Family Funerals: How to Keep Out Unwanted Guests
91Are funerals public or private?
When planning a wedding, it's easy to ban unwanted family members. Simply don't invite them. The bride and groom (and/or her parents and possibly his parents) get to choose who does -- and doesn't -- share the special day.
But what about funerals? Although they are also highly personal occasions, they typically are wide open. Anyone/everyone who knew the deceased may come and pay their respects.
If you are in the position of planning a funeral for a loved one, here are some things to keep in mind.
Can you restrict attendance?
Should you restrict attendance?
And what if the person you don't want at the funeral is an immediate family member?
Should you restrict funeral attendance?
Only you can answer that question. There are a few scenarios that suggest putting limitations on the final leave-taking event:
1. Your loved one has stipulated his/her wishes in advance.
Both of my parents were very explicit in their instructions. Well, technically, Mom was explicit. Dad simply said, "I want all the same readings and songs that your mother had." Easy, peasy.
Neither of them put any caveats on who could or could not come to their funerals. That would not have been their way.
2. Budget constraints.
Let's face it. If your loved one was so popular that 350 people show up to bid him/her adieu, it may not be financially feasible to invite them all out to eat afterwards. Of course, not everyone who comes to the ceremony will have the time/inclination to go to lunch.
Socially acceptable ways around this "problem" include:
a) Having the reception at the church or house of worship. Adjourn to an anteroom and have coffee, cookies and fellowship. You'll probably capture more of the audience this way, as they don't have to get in their cars and drive somewhere.
b) Have the interment directly following the funeral. You will lose some (or all*) churchgoers to attrition. You will then lose some of the cemetery-goers, especially if the drive to the ceremony is long and the interment service is drawn out. In short, you will end up with a smaller group for the after-party.
*Remember, you can make the interrent private, thus cutting your ultimate number down to a couple dozen -- or fewer.
3. Geographical undesirability.
This probably goes under "can you restrict" rather than "should you restrict," but I'm leaving it here, as it calls for some value judgments.
Let's say a patriarch lives for 40 years in Smithtown, RI. But when he becomes elderly, he moves in with a daughter in Flagstaff, AZ. He dies in Arizona, but his roots are in Rhode Island. For argument's sake, let's say that the matriarch predeceases him and is buried in Rhode Island. Where should the daughter have her dad's funeral?
You see where I'm going with this....
If she chooses Arizona, because Dad has made some friends out there, the funeral is limited in one way. If she chooses to bring Dad back to lie in eternity next to his wife, it's limited in another way (including financially, considering the cost to get herself, her family, and the corpse across the country).
Is there a right answer? Is there a wrong answer?
Yes. And no.
 | Amazon Price: $9.73 List Price: $14.98 |
 | Amazon Price: $9.90 |
 | Amazon Price: $0.99 |
Can you restrict funeral attendance?
The answer to this one is "yes."
There are five different levels of restriction (and, I daresay, variations within each):
1. Make the funeral itself (typically a religious ceremony) open,but make the interment (burial) for family only.
2. Make the funeral ceremony open, but the after-party by invitation only, and dissassociate the interment (if applicable) from the day's activities.
3. Announce the death with a notation that the funeral is private.
4. Announce the death after-the-fact. (Well of course you will be announcing the DEATH after the fact! I mean place the obituary after the funeral/interment have already occurred.)
5. Don't have a funeral at all. Have a memorial service scheduled some distance in the future. Don't promote it. Make people call you to find out your plans. Then you can decide on a case-by-case basis who you want to invite.
Each of these has pros and cons. Especially #5, as the last thing you will feel like doing while trying to grieve your loved one is try to remember who you did or didn't speak to, and who you did or didn't tell about the memorial service. Oy! Too much work!!!
Your Funeral Experience
Have you ever banned someone from a funeral or related event?
See results without votingCan you ban a family member from a funeral?
I've hubbed extensively on family betrayal and estrangement. Many of you know this subject is quite near and dear to my heart. But having received more comments than I ever, ever expected on my related hubs, I see I'm not alone. Not hardly!
So what about those black sheep* of the family? Can you prevent them from coming to pay their last respects? (Which, given their prior behavior, would be something of an oxymoron, as "respect" is seemingly not in their vocabulary).
*The feud may not be with a family member. I could be with a business parter or ex-business partner. For the sake of brevity, I'm using family member as my example. Extrapolate as needed...
I am genuinely curious to hear how others have handled this or plan to handle this when the time comes. Here are some of my thoughts/ideas on the subject (based, of course, on an all-too-real situation in my own family):
1. You can hope that the person in question "honors" their previous estrangement and stays away of their own accord. This is risky, however. You can't count on estranged family members to behave in a predictable or rational manner. There's a reason the word "strange" is embedded in estrangement!
They may either:
a) Not recognize their estrangement from the deceased. Even though they haven't seen or spoken with their mother/father/sister/brother/child for 17 years, in their mind they are fully entitled to sit in that front row and bawl like a baby. Denial is a powerful tool.
b) See the funeral as an opportunity to either vindicate themselves or atone for their past behavior. They may feel this is their last chance to make peace with the deceased -- either offering forgiveness or seeking it.
c) Attend to spite the other family members to whom they are also estranged.
d) Show up so that no one can later accuse them of not being there. This typically is financially motivated (read: inheritance) and has nothing whatsoever to do with their feelings (or lack thereof) for the deceased.
There are probably many other motives. Not being an estranged family member myself, it's difficult for me to think like a black sheep who would crash someone's funeral.
Nontraditional but functional
 | Amazon Price: $74.99 List Price: $159.98 |
 | Amazon Price: $13.99 List Price: $39.98 |
 | Amazon Price: $0.99 |
Ways to handle the black sheep of the family
So let's say your resident black sheep has the audacity to show up. For whatever reason, you choose not to exclude him/her from your loved one's funeral. Now what?
1. Forgiveness is king. Let's get the Christian solution out of the way first. There is no disputing that this is the best for all concerned. If the prodigal son or daughter chooses his/her parent's funeral to reappear into the fold, take it as a good sign. Assume he/she is there with good intentions. Realize how difficult the estrangement must have been on him/her all this time. Understand that he/she is a broken, damaged soul in need of forgiveness. And treat him/her like any other guest.
2. On the other hand... if you happen to know that the deceased would roll over in their grave knowing the black sheep relative was dared to show up, that's a different story entirely. In our case, the mother has made it patently clear she does not want anything to do with her daughter. She chose not to attend her daughter's recent wedding. She has not seen her daughter in going on one year. She freaks out when the daughter's name is mentioned. I think it's safe to say that if she were alive, she would NOT want to see her daughter at her funeral.
But of course, by the time we're planning her funeral, my MIL will only be with us in spirit. So we will be interpreting her wishes (adding a healthy -- or unhealthy -- dose of our own injured feelings). Nowhere is it written that the daughter is not to attend. So the call will be ours.
Needless to say, in two+ long, intense years of family feuding, I've had plenty of time to think about this. Here are some of my plans to mitigate this situation:
1. As the family eulogist, I could offer my services. Having honed my not-quite-personal but nonetheless biting insult skills right here in the Hub Pages forums, I'm confident I could manage to make a few pointed jabs without invoking a slander suit. It would be a challenge -- but nothing like the challenge my "dear" sister-in-law has put us through already!
2. We had my father-in-law's after-party here at our house. That is now tradition, and we see no reason to break with it. Accordingly, it is a safe assumption that wayward daughter wouldn't dare show her face at my door. If she does, I would take great pleasure in slamming it in her face. She is not welcome in my home under any circumstances.
No wait. I take that back. In the unlikely event that she offers to make amends and is genuinely repentive of her sins against her mother and brother, I would definitely want to hear her out.
3. We have also tossed around the idea of forgoing a church service entirely. Since the family church no longer exists (literally -- it was sold) and my mother-in-law has no affiliation with any other church, we'd have to shop for a place to hold her funeral. That seems a little odd to me. Our hope is that we can invite the family pastor (assuming he's still with us when the time comes, as he's in his 90s) to our house for a memorial service.
You may call this plan diabolical. I call it practical and efficient.
And in the end....
Note to self: "It's not about you."
The important thing is to make the event a fitting tribute to the deceased. That's what really matters.
Whether you invite the universe or keep things private, spend lavishly or go the simple route, whether you include or exclude certain people, if you do what's in your heart, you will do the right thing.
It is probably premature, but I am sorry for your loss. I am doubly sorry that in your time of sorrow you're having to think about such a crazy idea as banning your own family member from the funeral! Regardless, I'm glad we both have Hub Pages to air our concerns. I hope my musings have given you some comfort.
All the best to you and your loved ones. Mighty Mom
Hey ho, let's go ... but not YOU
vote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (23)
- Funny (4)
- Awesome (10)
- Beautiful (1)
- Interesting (3)
CommentsLoading...
A tactful way to eliminate the attendance of a lone individual would be to hold the funeral and subsequent interment on a day that is inconvenient for the person in question to attend. :)
I recently had to arrange my sister in law's funeral and there was someone she did not even wanted us to inform of her death. Afterwards it resulted in some hurt feelings, but what could I do? It is difficult when the person does not realize that he/she is not welcome in that person's life, even after death. I have to ad, my sister in law had every right not to want that person at her funeral!
First off well done. You are so funny! Who would think to write about how to keep unwanted guest out.
Second, that is so sad a mother would not or does not speak to her own daughter and would not or does not want her at her funeral. I know it happens. My mom and I are not close. (Not by my choice.) I think it would be like the last blow if it were said I could not even say good bye to her.
I think this would be with someone the rest of their life. So sad
Tina
This is a really great hub. Unfortunately, there are people no one wants to see at a funeral. If someone never liked a person when they were alive, why do they feel the need to show up at a funeral? They are really there to socialize and nothing more.
Hi Mom!
My family has a solution that many will find Barbaric. We don't have funerals, we do a private cremation and some time later we arrange a memorial mass. Personally I think the entire death industry in the US is appalling with funeral directors using your emotions against you to get you to spend more.
Up and Useful
Hi, MM...what a GREAT hub! You know, my father had a step daughter from one of the four marriages prior to my mother who came to his funeral. She did nothing strange or out of the ordinary and said nothing out of turn - to me. But she said some things to my sister about my father that were really terrible. She also (literally) stalked me by phone and email for six months until I finally called her back (we barely knew each other, and it was always inconvenient for me to get back to her). She called to make terrible accusations about my father.
All I could think was that it would have been wiser to never let her know that he had passed, and then she'd have never dredged up the past the way she did. Her accusations were untrue, and she did nothing really except to upset her other brothers and sisters and me. It was ridiculous.
These are very good tips! And, incredibly practical.
Well done!
This is really a a practical hub to make plans before you are experiencing the grief of your loss. I think you have several good ideas. We also opt for cremation and a Memorial Service at a date of our choosing in my family. This seems to be more a celebration of their life and you could easily not tell the person you don't want to attend.
Excellent article.
Jeff-- Good point. I wrote a hub about funeral planning as well. Thanks for the reminder to link it. Thanks!
Tammy -- Brilliant idea. Or wait till you know they are out of town for a month. Yes. I like it! Thx.
Hendrika -- Good for you for honoring your sister-in-law's wishes. That must feel good.
Granny's House -- My mother-in-law has a very good reason not to talk to her daughter. Her daughter tried to steal her money and put her in a home. Amazing.
I do hope you and your mom can reconcile before it's too late. My prayers are with you.
Jeannieinabottle -- Death brings out some very odd emotions in some people. In general, I think it should be left up to the person to know s/he was not liked in life and would not be welcome in death. But then, there are other reasons to attend a funeral. I've been to a few where I didn't know the deceased. I went to support a friend.
chefsref -- That doesn't sound barbaric to me at all. Cremation is an increasingly popular choice. I like your family's tradition!
Motown2Chitown -- That story is exactly what I'm talking about. Some peripheral person with a grudge coming and runining other people's time/memories. She sounds unstable to me. But thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed!
MM
Pamela99,
Your family's approach is (IMHO) the best. I like doing the memorial service after the initial grief/shock has worn off. And a celebration of life is such a positive thing. No wonder they are catching on!
Think each funeral/memorial/family situation is so totally different there is no one way to answer this question, but I really appreciate the hub, as it hit home too hard from a totally different perspective, and I've been reminded by many for too many years to "let it go." Some things are extremely difficult to "let go." When my daughter's father died years ago, she needed her grandmother to come to his funeral. He was an only child, and although his mother had remarried many years before and reared three other children, she and he had remained very close, and I loved her dearly (as I had her son even after we divorced). Unfortunately, her husband had created severe rifts in the family, beginning w/my ex when he married his mother; but they/we had all 'coped'. None of us wanted him around for the funeral particularly, but would not have excluded him out of deference to his mother. Money came into play. He was loaded--money wasn't an issue, but he made it one so my daughter (18, in college and working) and I went in together to get her grandmother a round-trip plane ticket to attended her only son's funeral. The person (refuse to call him human--God didn't create us to be that way) to whom she was married refused to let her come. His son-in-law (married to his favorite daughter) was a good man and tried to reason w/him; he said he would take her to the airport (another city) and be responsible, etc. (he also brought up age--she was in her late 60's!). "I need her here to look after me. I had knee surgery a month ago, and I still need help." The son-in-law said they would take care of his needs (minimal by then), but he refused to let her come. My daughter has never forgotten it, and neither have I. Personally, I don't belief in an immortal soul, but believe death is a finality until a later resurrection. That's a personal belief, and it's kept me from thinking my daughter's father knew what happened. Unfortunately, his mother lived much longer, and when her heart gave out, her husband refused to tell my daughter which hospital she was in--we finally tracked her down but were "not on the list to get information" and when my daughter decided to fly up I was going w/her and the same son-in-law called the night before our flight to tell us she had died. Hate? I've tried not to. Forgive? I've tried. I call myself a Christian, but some people cause so much grief to others they don't deserve the honor of being present at one's funeral. It's an honor to celebrate one's life and mourn one's death; one whose life is that of selfishness and unbelievable hurt toward others does not, in my opinion, deserve that honor. Good hub. Sorry I got carried away--I have to agree w/Pamela99 and also w/chefsref--and, no, ref, I don't think it's barbaric!
I like chefsref comment. I too think the industry is using people's emotions to make money
I saw a program on TV. where they even said this
Back in the day the deceased was kept at home and the family took care of them. Each family member would even take turns sitting with the deceased all night so they would not ever be alone.
My mom doesn't even know her great grandchildren. She doesn't care to. She knows her neighbors grandkids better then she knows her own. I have asked her to birthday parties and she turns me down every time.I have invited her to Christmas and Thanksgiving and at the last minute when I call to let her know I am on my way she will say she is not coming. This Mother's Day I call and asked her if she would like to go out for Mother's Day, she said yes. That morning I called and called to let her know I was on my way, she did not answer the phone. So I called my sister(her favorite) and told her mom will not answer the phone. She called her and guess what? Mom answered right away. She told my sister she was sick and was not going. Yet she would not answer the phone when I called? Sounds fishy to me
Oh well. It will not happen again. I will not set myself up to be hurt again. I am DONE!
I have a great relationship with my kids. It hurts them to see how my mom hurts me. I will not do that to them anymore.
Sorry for the rant.
Tina
Thank you. Through your Hub and comments we can see it is alright the way we feel if we do not want someone with us at this time.
Hey Mighty Mom, that's one nicely laid out hub. I have limited experience with funerals, but have had enough people in my family who have died. I was not in charge of any of the funerals I have attended, so I wouldn't know much about unwanted guests. However, as an example, my mother, who is still presently alive, has chosen to make sure that only specific people are allowed to attend her funeral. She has already bought and paid for the services, sometime back(like 7 or 10 years ago).
The only people who will be attending her funeral services are the people in the know of her death. It will not be displayed in the newspaper so other people can know about her death or attend any sort of services. There will not be a reception afterward, so that is not a problem. There will be only specific people in attendance during her short ceremony. She isn't being buried in a cemetery, because she is being cremated. Great Hub! Very helpful to others, as always. :) Thumbs up! :)
Hello hubber friends. I have been off HP for a few days (will explain in another hub or forum post). I am actually delighted to return and see that my hub has invited ranting. That's the idea, IMO. Many of us have unspeakable hurts in our families.
We can't make sense of them and forgiveness is a giant stretch, even pulling out every Christian (or other) stop in our toolbox.
Teylina -- Your story breaks my heart. Adults behaving badly in front of children. You can see this man is sick and controlling. He deserves what he gets. You did your best. I'm so sorry!
Granny's House -- My heart goes out to you and everyone in your family. Whatever is causing your mother to act in such a childish, petty way? From where I sit, the best (only) way to deal with it is what you are doing. Back away. Sometimes that causes a vacuum and the other person comes toward you. But not always.
Meantime, you have to protect yourself. And your kids, who are innocent bystanders, as are their children. That's a lot of wreckage from one vindictive woman!!
I have a term for going back to family members for emotional support (or even normal behavior) in spite of repeated rebuffs. It's called "going back to the well." I swore to myself many, many times I would not. But my nature never allowed me to give up hope.
With my sister-in-law there is no hope. She is not worth any effort and our lives are calmer without her interference.
I hope you will be ok with your decision. If you feel like it, hub about it! I bet you will get a lot of empathizers!!
Cags -- It is good that you know what your mother's wishes are. Too often we don't. And we are left to guess and interpret without any real grasp of what our loved one would have wanted. Your mom's wishes are very specific. She obviously has her own reasons for wanting the information and acknowledgment of her death held closely. That is her choice and knowing you, I know you will respect it.
Thanks for the thumbs up, friend.
P.S. I think I will write soon about cremation as the modern alternative to burial. Lots and lots of advantages...
Thanks again, all. Come back anytime with updates! MM
Wow, your hubs are so fun to read! You should write a book about your family experiences, etc. I'd definitely buy it! :)
Wow MrTrustStore,
I appreciate the compliment. But can I really TRUST you? How do I know you don't work for my evil sister-in-law? LOL! Seriously. Thanks. MM
Interesting topic. I am actually considered the black sheep by a family member, so I am sure this will be a problem in the future. Hmmm.
s-i-g-h- - -
A most interesting and informative hub. One never knows. sigh.
I had an elderly male friend who passed away about 2 years ago. He told me, more than once, that he did NOT want a certain local politian to see him lying in his casket. A mutual friend now living in Alabama called to ensure I was up to the matter at hand.
This person did not appear at the wake - a full day's worth of wake. He DID appear - LATE - for the service which was held at the funeral parlor.
I thought I was off the hook! Nope - this cretin arrived about 5 minutes late after we had all been seated. I crawled over about 5 people and got him as just he and his buddy were entering the parlor proper.
Kind of went like this: Me: "Out! Now!" (in appropriate tone with finger pointing out the door. Yes, I know pointing is rude. Him: "No-this is a public place." Me: "You are not welcome here. Leave NOW!" Funeral Home Guy: "It's okay," Me: "NO IT ISN'T! Leave here NOW!"
Bozo Town Supervisor tried to wheedle his way through Funeral Home Guy 'cause Bozo was SO important. "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah...
Bozo DID NOT come any farther - he left. My dear Wes had his final wish of me granted. In spades. People STILL talk about it!
GOOD FOR YOU, 34th BOMB GROUP. Way to honor your friend.
SueShepard -- I was the black sheep for years. Then my son took over the dubious honor. But in our family no one is that ostracized that they wouldn't be welcome at a funeral. If you have any problems, give me a holler and I'll come over there and support you!
Nellieanna -- Not sure what your cryptic comment means, but thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I hope it doesn't bring up unpleasant thoughts for you!
34th Bomb Group -- I'm with M2C (usually am -- we think alike!). You are DA BOMB! That is the perfect story of honoring the deceased's wishes. You were great!
Where can I reach you? When the time comes I may need reinforcement to keep my evil sister-in-law OUT, NOW!!!
Ha! This makes me happy that other people have actually experienced this! MM
My grandmother died this past weekend and was cremated, I voluntarily chose to stay away from the plundering of her belongings before the service had even been planned. Did not attend the service will instead pay my respects privately ...
My opinion that my dysfunctional family put the dysfunction in that description and the older I get the less I can handle the family insanity!
When my time comes to go I'm making arrangements to do so privately and not inform the rest of the clan until after all is said and done...
Great hub...timely topic!
Been keeping up w/this hub of MM's because it's one kinda 'close to my heart.' 34thbomb: way to go, man! Quite the friend one really appreciates. Better to make a small scene than feel you've let your friend down for the rest of your life! and DayLeeWriter, I am sorry about your grandmother, and I definitely understand your being less able to handle the dysfunction that all-too-often rears its ugly head! This has been such a thought-provoking and fascinating hub, it needs some special attention--not sure what. Any ideas, anybody? Mine are all sorta macabre
Teylina, I totally agree with your take on 34th BOMB GROUP's actions. DayLeeWriter, I also want to offer my condolences on your Grandmother's passing. Will send some positive and healing thoughts your way today. :-)
Thanks for writing this hub. I'm only middleaged, but going through death of parents, and death of friends parents, I want to set things up better. I didn't want to plan my own funeral, because i thought it would be self aggrandizing, and funerals are for the living people not the deceased anyway, but i am realizing planning your own funeral is a great gift to the living. They can focus on greiving instead of practical decisions while they are in the initial shock phase.
I also really like the idea of cremation. I have one question for those who know: what are the choices for what to do with the ashes? I've heard of scattering. Does that mean there is then no "marker"? Is that psychologically hard for the family (Not having a place or object to associate with the deceased)? If you don't scatter, then I think there is some type of container. I just wouldn't want a container to be a burden to one of my kids. These days people move alot, and i don't want to leave them with an object they need to cart around. Sorry if i sound too practical. I feel like I'd rather leave a letter or a picture as something to remember me by. What I'd really like to be remembered by of course is how much I cared about them. OK, I feel like I'm rambling, but maybe someone could tell me what worked out best for them as a child in dealing with a parents remains.
MM - Thanks for the reply. Sorry about being too cryptic. Now that I think about it, I can understand!
Sighing was merely a gut response to personal memories of loss, as well as sort of disgust with a general commercialism of funerals which also creeps into weddings.
But they are important ceremonies and should represent the participants' comfort by being arranged as the deceased would have preferred and the survivors can best treasure.
My most recent experience was almost 3 years ago with the death of my beloved husband and soul-mate. It's ever fresh on my mind so this didn't exacerbate it. If anything, it reminded me that the actual ceremony was lovely and memorable and the guests were pleasant and caring. I've lost my parents, all of my siblings (one with her entire family of 3 children & husband), plus several life-long friends. Death is a natural thing, however much we might wish otherwise. For survivors, it's a greater challenge, perhaps.
The impact of death varies with circumstances but it is an intensely personal one when it involved loved ones. The actual formalities of it serve to help one accept it and resume living, so how it's experienced should be for the benefit of those who must do so. The spirit of the deceased is in another sphere unaffected by the proceedings, with the body being left behind to "return to earth". Memory of the person is a kind of immortality.
Unwanted guests would be most disturbing, no doubt. Any bad motives for attending seem bizarre to me! I've never experienced or even considered that occurring. I didn't realize it was an actual likely problem area, but I suppose it's only realistic that it could be. That's what my comment "one never knows" meant.
Your hub is very valuable!
Hi there, grace (MM, hope you mind me busting in here). My mother was cremated...eleven years ago it cost just under $1500. As to options after. They offered us an urn. We declined, because one of my mother's friends gave her a plot in the local cemetery (my mother lived in a very small town). So her cremains were returned in a very sturdy black, plastic box, and we buried them. This is something I know that you don't have to worry about, but if your family member/friend is Catholic, then the scattering of ashes is not an option. They may be kept in an urn, or buried, but not scattered. I don't know if there are other options or not, but those are a couple that I'm aware of.
Peace!
Soooo great to see the discussion going on here.
This hub seems to have attracted the smart, articulate, sane and wonderful women of Hub Pages. Wonder why that is.
DayLeeWriter, I add my condolences on the loss of your grandmother. Good for you for handling the family dysfunction with such maturity. I'm sure Grandma will appreciate your private memorial to her.
Teylina -- Welcome to the Mighty Mom Macabre Club:-).
But as pointed out by Nellianna, death IS part of life. And funerals are really a ceremony on par with marriages. They're the last chance to officially, publicly (or semi-privately) honor the deceased. Their 15 minutes of fame, if you will.
So I don't think it's dark at all to talk about the possibilities!!
Re: Cremation. My mom opted for cremation and as a result my dad, who had planned to be buried in a military cemetary, chose the same. They have side-by-side markers in a lovely Catholic cemetary. To me, it is important to have a place to go and speak to them.
My sister-in-law (I never met her) was cremated and her ashes scattered at the beach. We visit the spot often (actually, hubby and I got married right above it on the bluff!). Her spirit is DEFINITELY there!
We have the box with my father-in-law's ashes, waiting for my mother-in-law to join him in death. Then we will scatter their ashes together...
You can pre-pay your cremation with the Nautilus or Neptune Society. They handle the whole thing -- come and remove the body from the house (or wherever) and are very professional.
One thing you do NOT need to do with a cremation is pay for a casket! At least, that makes no sense to me.
Unless, I guess, you want to have a wake and viewing of the body before cremation. But to me, that's a huge expense that serves no useful purpose.
Anyway, ladies. I have to go back to work. Please do carry on in your discussions of families and funerals.
Thanks for visiting ALL! MM
There are so many issues people just don't think about and when the time comes, they are forced to make decisions when they should be grieving.
I experienced a similar thing. My Aunt wanted to be cremated even though we are Jewish. I knew some of her friends may not understand or appreciate her desires and I was wondering if they should even be told about the wake we were planning. My Aunt left clear instructions that she wanted her friends to be able to come to say goodbye. So we did it. Little to my expectation, a couple who I thought were her good friends never showed up.
Goes to show that one never knows what's right. But one thing remains clear... do what the diseased had requested if they did leave instructions.
Your Hub is very inspiring and useful. Thanks for writing it.
Thank you for all the positive comments... It was quite the scene.(I never liked the guy so it was kinda fun.)
My parents were cremated. My arsehole of a brother showed up after Daddy died.He'd been sent to the crematory by the funeral home-another stupid rule which costs you more money.
Brother arrived in the middle of the night-Daddy was dead.Too late! He had the hospital "shock" a corpse! (He's a M.D. & throws his weight around.)
He then had his wife and 3 kids come down.THEY DIDN'T KNOW MY PARENTS!!!They, thankfully, went to a motel on the beach.My mother hadn't seen them in a couple years and I spent the next few days playing taxi.Then his in-laws showed up! WTF??????
THEN he played a few games like taking Daddy's ring & a few other things.Fortunately, I'd UPS'd the art work, etc.to my lawyer.He came back about a month later-we were taking too much time.Really...That's when he talked my mother out of the car, and other things my Dad said I would get 'cause Sonny didn't bother with them.He took my Mom for two days.Wow...Then I went to leave and, of course, went to get Daddy out of the closet-he was gone. Little pr13k had TAKEN HIM!!
I was livid!! I knew where to put him.He left very detailed instructions with me-orally. So my Mother died 2 1/2 years later. As my son and I were leaving the nursing home, my Aunt told me that Sonny had sprinkled Daddy where SONNY wanted him.Excuse me?
Last Summer I went through my Mother's files and discovered that this Aunt had taken about $4,500 from my Mom's bank account. I didn't even know she had this!! I arranged for the State Police to pay her a visit.(I can do this.I'm a prosecutor-White Collar Crime)I haven't spoken to any relative of my mothers since then.I'm not missing anything.
I also turned the Memorial Service ONLY for my Mom into one for both of them.Boy were those relatives pissed. Too bad.Sonny didn't know what to say so I sent him a draft of what I was gonna say about a week before. Imagine my surprise when Sonny started telling them MY eulogy! So-it was then my turn, and having Sonny telling them MY ideas I started telling stories.I'd see a friend of theirs and tell a story-I did this for about 15 mins. and had the place roaring with laughter.
No matter what you do-someone will be offended. Do what YOU want. Ask your parents NOW-they have their ideas. And never let your brother go into the closet.
You did a fantastic job of making a difficult topic interesting and so helpful too. It's too bad that we have to think of things like this but it is what it is. You have a great sense of humor which I enjoyed. Loved the Ramones too.
Glenn Stok, Thank you for your comment. I know the Jewish faith is very strict about burial and within a certain timeframe, too.
In the end, it was your Aunt's decision! I'm glad she got her wishes honored, even if some so-called "friends" didn't appreciate them.
Good story!
34th Bomb Group -- You are a pistol! I have officially met my match in the crazy family stories department. Seriously, you should expand these stories into HUBS!!
You are a total crack-up.
I reiterate my offer. When my mother-in-law dies I seriously want you here to help me deal with my sister-in-law (she is like your brother....). I'd like to LOCK her in a closet!! Tee hee...
Thanks for the additional yucks. I guess I shouldn't be laughing. Death is a serious business. But what the heck. Can't help myself!!
MM, death may be a serious business, but we have to realize that there is so much surrounding it. Sometimes, we MUST laugh or we'll wind up in grief, pain, and despair ALL the time, and that's not right. :-) I'm proud to be a member of the MM Macabre Club, frankly! And, man oh man, there are definitely some hubs brewing out of these comments, for sure!
Hubs a brewin' -- go for it, girlfriend!! You've got such a wonderful take on life! I'm so glad you're here and part of HP!! MM
Wow, MM, thanks a bunch! That is very high praise from such a wonderful hubber, and I appreciate it a great deal. You're not so bad yourself, you know! ;-)
Good hub on a touchy subject Mighty Mom. When my brother-in-law passed away, he specifically requested that my sister (his ex-wife) not attend his funeral (they had a messy breakup and no love was lost between them!). If you know when you are going to pass away, as was his case, you can make these kind of requests, however it gets very dicey if you pass suddenly and don't make your requests known to others. No one likes to bring it up, but it may be worth letting your loved ones know who you do and don't want at your funeral now, even if you live another 30 or 40 years. At least that way if you do die suddenly, your requests (hopefully) will be honoured.
Mom, you know I'm just a touch morbid right? I laughed out loud in several places. A fine hub it is! To wake the dogs and renew chest pain with such laughter as the stitches and staples are just healing, but Option number 666, just call me at BR549 and have a few holes dug to accommodate the intruders and provide pictures and I'll do the rest, I figure two to the hole is good. Not responsible for twins and look alikes LOL, 50
chrisand -- I hope the ex-wife honored his wishes without having to call in the family enforcers. Sorry to hear of your loss.
I think you can make requests at any time.
My dad had everything written in a book. We didn't "like" to review it with him (sort of morbid) but in the end were very glad it was all spelled out!
50! Great to see you, you wild man! I hope you are recovering nicely and that the stitches and staples did not suffer too much of a setback for you.
I like your style and think this could be a second career for you, dude!
When the time comes I'm definitely calling you at BR549 666. Got my shovel right here!
Thanks!!!
Hi MM-I thank God that most of my family passed long ago, hence I'll probably not face banning those family nightmares! Funny though, my remaining family is so very polite that they'd never consider vocalizing their distaste regarding a family member. They simply seethe-silently! ;)
Ooooooo, silent seething - the worst kind. lorlie. But, at least come funeral time, they'll either not show or seethe silently. :-)
Silent seething -- what a visual! I hope you don't have any funerals to go to for a long, long time, Ms. Lorlie! I still remember what happened when you went to your uncle's. I know lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place, but still. If you have to put yourself anywhere near any silent seething, please make sure you bring lots of hubber support with you:-)! Good to see you!!
M2C -- my sentiments exactly. Although I must admit, until Lorlie wrote it and you reiterated it, I didn't know I HAD any sentiments on silent seething:-)!!! MM
Hey, sadly, there are so many silent seethers out there...I think we all have some sentiments on them. We just haven't tapped them yet. Usually don't, MM, until we're in a face to face encounter. :-)
My condolences on the loss of yr Grandmother. May she RIP. http://www.micocrane.com/
A perfect idea for a Hub and something I've never seen or read before. This is something that funny but still can be very useful to someone who may not have experience in organizing a funeral/memorial and who wants to stir as little trouble as possible to ensure the event goes okay. Thanks for the Hub!
hey chica! I have missed you!!! I am back on here to write again, I go through my spells of writers block and disinterest in reading at times, then it comes back. Its almost seasonal. lol. This was great advice. HUGS
There is only one type of person that should ever be banned from a funeral, and that is the Westboro' church clan.
I really do not care who comes to my funeral, I just hope I can't hear any of them.
My husband and his parents were less than sympathetic when I lost my father at age 20. So I have said I will go out and have a good time when his dad dies. Although I won't do it in front of the family out of respect,lol.
The only time I wished to keep anyone out of funeral was at my mom's. After the funeral, while we were waiting to go to the cemetary, I slipped back in the church to use the restroom. On my way out, I'm stopped by a woman who tells me she's so sorry. Later, I realize who she is: someone who I stopped talking to after she made several remarks on how my mom was a bad Christian for daring to allow my sister to live with her (now ex) boyfriend. If I had thought she'd dare show up, I would have banned her. I had the hinky feeling she only showed up to feel superior, like she felt that God struck my mother down for not being as righteous as she. It still angers me when I think of her sitting at the funeral (which was all she showed up to. She skipped out of everything else, which was smart on her part).
Good discussion of a difficult topic. Thanks MM for the hub.
Draigcoch,
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and your family's non-support. I really hope that you will have many, many years of happy life experience before your father-in-law dies. You may well mellow in your feelings (age and experience does that -- I'm proof!). But going out and partying (discreetly) also sounds like a good plan!
Thanks for visiting.
Stephanie,
Those holier-than-thou Christians give Christians a bad name, don't they? This woman obviously felt a twinge of something -- guilt? Remorse for her harsh judgment? Regardless, I'm glad that she didn't intrude further on your memorial. At least she had the sense not to force herself into the grave site or post-funeral gathering.
tirelesstraveler. Thanks.
I had NO idea that anyone besides me had these "moral" dilemmas! Ha! Thanks so much. MM
I enjoyed your hub and I agree with you totally. Funerals are too wide open and I have always thought that they should be on a invitation only basis just like a wedding or something because it just gets too loud and crazy and then in the instance of a murder or something the killer can be sitting there on the front row like nothing happened and no one would know it....privacy is much needed in these situations unless like you said there are wishes that they deceased wants to be carried out
Now there's a cheery thought. The killer sitting in the front row (how bold). I bet that happens more than we think!
Odd to think of it that way, tho.
(And of course now I won't be able to get the idea out of my head!)
Thanks for sharing, MM
Informative article about Family Funerals. Thanks for sharing.
when i lost my grandparents, there was much speculation about who should be invited and who should not. They were key players in a small town, and with that comes friends and foes. in the end the people who were not welcome didn't show up out of respect, they chose to make the right decision and let us grieve in peace. but before there was a lot of stress about who they would or would not want there. This was a very insightful hub! It's nice to see it spelled out for people who are grieving . I can see it as comfort to them! good Job!
Thank you, Kimberly Crocker
I'm happy to read that your grandparents' funeral went smoothly. Good that the unwelcome folks were smart enough to stay away.
Glad you liked my hub!
Not sure how our "test" funeral will go. But it will be interesting to see what worms may come out of the woodwork...
Thanks, MM
In my immediate family we keep things very private. After all the point of a funeral is to ease the passage of someone's death for the living...not the dead. I figure that it is much better to shower a person with kind words, flowers, cards, etc. while they are alive. But each person has to make up their own mind on how to handle it. Those who have pre-planned funerals or at least have told their family members how they want it handled, make it so much easier for the living, money considerations aside. Of course that also plays a part.
You have given people much to consider! Voted up, useful and interesting.
It's very true. Funerals are for the living left behind. And when you're in shock and beginning stages of grief, it's not the time to be second-guessing what your deceased loved one would have wanted. OR worrying about who else feels the need to pay their final respects...
Thanks for your comment and vote, Peggy!
MM
Excellent hub, MM. It helped me answer a couple of questions I had about what to do with my daughter when making my wishes known. I appreciate that. Voted up and useful.
Well cool. Glad I could be of help. Hope you won't be leaving us anytime soon, tho! Cheers. MM
Thank you for such a wise and compassionate discussion of the complex mess that families and people make of things.
Xenonlit, you are way too gracious and kind.
I never thought about the politics of funerals before it hit my family.
And the worst (but thankfully last) is yet to come:).
Thanks for commenting, friend. MM
Some people will always be clueless and ignore normal social cues to their own advantage. Sounds like the ex was like that. On the plus side, hopefully this is the last funeral she will "crash" in the name of her former family ties.
Love the bouncers idea,tho! I'm picturing mafioso (somewhat inspired by your "pretenda lastnamedas" -- very cute!
Thanks for commenting. MM
Hi Mighty Mom, this is one interesting hub. Not only the hub, but the comments it elicited. I've been on this hub for over an hour, just reading it, and the comments. Very good, both, (hub and comments), something I never do, but this was really good. Voted up, useful, awesome, and interesting. Hope you got my email.
Hi friend!
I have been working on a hub and not on emails so will go check. I hope you are not writing with sad family news.
All the best to you and thanks for reading and commenting. I never in a million years thought this hub would catch the comments it has! MM
I have been shunned from my family after recovering memories and then for exposing that my mother slit my wrist when I was ten and that I was raped while under my fathers care as a teenager. Sounds awful right! My family made it clear that if I beieved these things that I was not part of the family. I am 46 years old now and have long anguished over the denials, pain, betrayal, rejection and isolation I have endured. And, I have made some strides in recreating a family on my own terms. my father had a heart attack the day after I was married last October. I had not invited him to my wedding. The family blamed me for his heart attack. He recovered. Last week he had a stroke. The family is protecting him from me. I'm anticipating that I will be notified of his passing after the fact. As that is one of the ways families deal with their embarrassments and to save face during their time of grief. Your article is insensitive. "Black Sheep" are usually the family scape goats. You make them sound like the problem. So, if a "black sheep" needs to come to a funeral it is just as likely he/she is greiving and needs closure just like everyone else. Funerals are not for the deceased but for the grieving.
SO you are saying Black Sheep are people too and need to be included because they're grieving like everyone else?
How about if imposing their grief on the other grievers causes the rest of the family grief?
In my experience the "black sheep" are not the scapegoats but rather the true black hearted evil betrayers who don't fit in because of their own actions. In short, yes, they are the PROBLEM.
If I were you I would try to go around the family and get directly to your dad before it's too late and make things right with him. Then you won't have to worry about whether they hold the funeral without you, because you and dad are cool. The rest of them can do whatever they're going to do.
Good luck to you!
Wow! That's cold. I have no desire to "go around the family." there is no way to "make things right" with people who are in denial. The family who has a black sheep does not want to face something. Here is one definition:
In psychology, a black sheep is the member of a rigidly triangulated family who holds the rest tightly together by being identified as the bad/sick/deviant one who causes all the family problems. In this situation, the rule enforcer in the family is charged with the job of controlling the black sheep from revealing the family secrets. The black sheep is seen as an outsider, but only because he is a teller of truth.
Black sheep too,
You are not hearing what I'm trying to say. I certainly do not mean to be cold to your situation. What happened to you is terrible.
This hub is actually written from the perspective of people planning funerals and the pain and awkwardness of what to do when a family member who the DECEASED would not want at the funeral.
It is written from the perspective (my own personal situation) in which the potential "black sheep" IS deviant and she is NOT the teller of any truth and she is truly a BAD SEED.
Your situation goes well beyond a funeral.
I offered what I thought was a reasonable suggestion: Go talk directly with your father so that whatever happens to HIM (e.g., he doesn't make it after his illnesses) you and he have had a chance to talk and clear the air between you. That is all.
I am not suggesting trying to make anything right with the rest of your family.
I will state this, which I suspect you will find equally cold. You are holding an incredible amount of pain and anger inside you. The secrets are hurting you more than they are hurting them. It's not fair or right, but that is how it is.
As you point out, the family doesn't want to face your truth. You have no control over their actions or reactions.
The only one you have control over is yourself.
The one and only way I have been taught to rid myself of RESENTMENT (which is toxic and potentially lethal) is to get the sickness out of me and learn to FORGIVE. Because the other people in your scenario are sick. Sicker than you.
I truly hope you are getting some support (therapy or informal survivors' support groups) around your abuse.
MM
I stumbled upon this site looking for an alternative way to say goodbye because i am the black sheep. The pain i feel is so intense, she was my mother. I cant believe you are promoting this. How about this, God is the judge, not the family. Why should anyone be excluded, just because they do not fit in. This was enlightening and cruel to read
Hello, disgusted. I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. And I'm sorry for the pain you feel.You don't say why you are considered the black sheep in your family so I have no context. Certainly you deserve to pay your respects to your mother. And it sounds like you feel like you don't fit in, so the public channel of your family's memorial may not give you that release.
It is certainly true that God is the ultimate judge.
Are you comfortable telling your family that?
As for my family and the extremely black (read: EVIL) sheep this is written about, I sure hope she finds an alternative way to say good-bye to her mother. Because for the amount of pain she has put her brother and her mother through, she can take whatever guilt or remorse she may feel (if she feels anything at all -- that's debatable) and do her own funeral.
Note: Feel free to write an alternative hub from the perspective of the black sheep. I'd be happy to link to it to show the other side.
Good luck to you.
I have been hurt by my parents over and over again for a number of years. My husband asked me how many times I need to be hurt before I walk away when they call for a favor.
I am of the opinion that an abused child/adult owes the deceased parent nothing, and that's exactly what they're going to get!
There are no hard and fast rules on who hosts the funeral. You certainly are within your rights to say no to hosting the party. Good for you.
Up to you if you even want to attend funeral parties hosted by others. You will attract some heat. But maybe that's okGood Luck. MM
You don't know how glad I am to have found your hub. In our family, we have one of the black sheep's, the kind that has of her own poor choices gone down the wrong road via drugs, which of course always spilled over into the rest of the family. At some point she became so bad by stealing money from my sister and dad, (deceased for 10 years).
Of course she's always been estranged. She's never come with any remorse. Also, her grandmother and other family members have always taken a very lax policy about this person, never wanting any of us who were willing to tell her like it is, this would be my sister and me. She has a history of being estranged. But every now and then, she reappears, especially in the past when her grandmother and mom's sister used to give her money anytime she'd show up at the family home. The day we buried my dad, she asked if she could talk to me. I was of course in the throes of grief, so my defenses were really down. She wanted to know why I didn't speak to her. Now she didn't do this in a humble fashion. So I told her the laundry list of offenses she'd committed over a long time. She didn't like hearing this at all. I also told her that some of us in the family, weren't like grandma and her aunt who allowed her to take advantage of them. Anyway, she decided to make the real smart move of trying to bring up things about my past, she said she'd heard about, now she is my neice. At hearing this, I became so angry. So I told her this dicussion was now over. Well recently this niece mysteriously appeared at the family home where mom lives. Mom's sister was going through a Hospice situation. My sister was/is in charged over there. My sister says that she visited w/my aunt for an hour. When she left, my sister followed her outside, the neice says something like, "I'll be back on Saturday." Well, sister let her have it, telling her not to bother, and asking her why she's showing up at this late stage in the game."
This aunt died last week, funeral is this weekend. So of course, we expect this niece w/show up, as my brother (her uncle), seems to keep in touch w/her. My sister & me w/be seated w/mom, and I cringe at the thought of this relative coming to try to give hugs to me and my sis. The only thing she comes to do is cause drama. I haven't seen her in ten years, yes at dad's funeral. Also, do you have an inheritance blog? Of course, there are lots of issues connected to this. Wonderful hub, thank you! Margeaux
Hello Margeaux,
You must be my twin sister. The story you are telling about addicts/fair weather relatives. Well, I've been living it for years.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. As you can see, it is not that uncommon a problem.
The trick I have found (for this second -- subject to change based on the next assault) is not to let the turkeys get you down. You can't control them, you can't even talk to them. They believe they are right and thus everyone else is wrong.
Yes, I have SEVERAL hubs about inheritance issues.
You might want to read them to get the full flavor of what sick people with drug problems can do to a family and its finances.
Good luck to you, my dear.
All the best and I am praying for you.
MM
In both funerals that I have been involved in the planning of, there was family dis-function and all kinds of family snares. My sister is usually the one who is overcome with the guilt of her indifference to our family and becomes a complete mess, unable to help in anyway. Also, in dealing with my grandfather's memorial service, we had to deal with his second wife (not my biological grandmother) and her capricious children. Generally though, we tried to take the high road, because we had no regrets about our relationships and did what the deceased would have wanted. That seems to be our family's death motto- we do it if they would have wanted it, and we do it as they would have done it. In the end, the point of all the ceremony is to honor that person and what better way than to honor them with our actions?
Mighty Mom,
Interesting hub and I certainly enjoy your humor. Based on a few other posts by "black sheep" and being the wife of a sweet, terrific "black sheep", could I just suggest that you put a "caveat" at the beginning of your post? Maybe something to the effect of...
There are always two sides to every story, but this hub is from the perspective of a person who is related to another person considered to be unhealthy and unsafe. Please note that there are cases where the "black sheep" is not really a black sheep, but this hub does not consider that situation.
Thanks, in advance, for consideration of those on "the other side" and who are very glad to not have to deal with those from the REAL dark side!!!
LOL, catsrule1962. I have certainly had some backlash from black sheep, that's for sure.
As the resident black sheep of MY family, I am glad none of my siblings saw fit to write such a hub and/or plot to keep me away from my mom or dad's funerals:-).
I guess the larger issue here is who is the real "black" (hearted) sheep of the family and who gets to decide that?
Perhaps that is the subject for another hub.
Yes, I think that may be a good idea! Thanks for suggesting it (unless you want to write it yourself -- it is, after all, your idea).
Thanks for commenting and pointing out that of course there are always two sides to every story.
Cheers,
MM
Mighty Mom,
I agree with your larger issue question...great point!
Some day, I may certainly write my own hub because I have some passions for helping people develop healthy, loving families...but, only those people who really want to have one! :)
Just so you know, I ended up on your hub while looking for some input on the black sheep member attending the funeral of his mother, who passed away last night. We are leaning toward not attending the funeral, but my husband is such a precious guy and feels like it is wrong to not attend, as it may reflect poorly on his mother in the eyes of the people who do not know all of the issues with the family.
I do not want my husband to be hurt by his siblings in any way, though, as they have hurt him enough for a lifetime. Based on these things, I just wanted to make sure we were both as "informed" as we could possibly be in order to make the best decision and/or handle this in the best possible way.
In our case, I actually wanted to hear both sides of the situation, so that we could be prepared for the worst case scenario...no matter what decision we make. As you have either stated or implied in another post, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own behavior. We cannot control anything that the siblings do, but we can attempt to prepare ourselves emotionally for any shocking or hurtful things that may come our way.
Thank you for your commitment and dedication to your hubs! I commend you for trying to take a difficult situation from your life to create something helpful for others.
My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother-in-law. Thank you, too, for taking the time to shed so much light on the sensitivity of this issue. My hub, of course, is somewhat tongue-in-cheek and clearly assumes the black sheep (BS) is the evil one and her presence would be hypocritical and disruptive.
I'm so sorry for your husband. Obviously I don't know the particulars of his family situation.
In the end, it comes down to what is in his heart?
It sounds like he is in a "damned if he does/damned if he doesn't" situation with his siblings. My gut tells me he will be more damned if he doesn't go. If he wants to go to pay his last respects to their mother -- which he has every right, as her son, to do -- then he should go. If he stays away out of fear of what his siblings will say, they will only say whatever they were going to say anyway. And he will no doubt regret staying away for the rest of his life.
As cynical as you probably think me, hope does spring eternal in my heart. I wish for you and he family the peace you all so deserve. May you possibly find common ground and healing all around.
My sympathies again.
Good luck in the decision and execution of the decision.
MM
My granddad recently passed away, on my biological farthers. Due to my parent spliy when i was 13 i only stayed in touch with a few family members on his side, ive seen my granddad twice mainly as i got older, and wad banned from visiting him in hospital.. Now i have also been banned from the crem because i told a family member i stayed ib touch with about his death, tjey also banned from visiting. Can they do this, my real father and uncle.. Can they ban me from saying good bye?
Hello Lou,
I'm very sorry about the loss of your granddad.
Legally, no. No one can "ban" you from attending your grandfather's service.
But someone has obviously given you the impression that you are not welcome.
It's not clear from your post what exactly has your family so polarized. From an objective perspective, your story seems like maybe there is bad blood between the family, perhaps based (in part) on your parents' split. An "us" vs. "them" mentality and you are on the wrong side?
I'm just guessing here.
Unless there is something you yourself have done that has caused you to be ostracized by that side of the family...
Realistically, if you know where your granddad's service is going to be and when, you have the option of attending. It may (or will) make some people uncomfortable. It may (or will) be uncomfortable for you to be treated poorly by some who are there.
But can they ban you from saying good-bye?
No.
As a practical matter, I would suggest not going somewhere I know I am not welcome. I would quietly go to my grandpa's gravesite or cemetary (if his cremains are going to be put somewhere public) and say good-bye on my own terms with no one giving me the evil eye.
Good luck to you.
Know that no one can ever take your memories of your granddad from you and if you have faith and believe in an afterlife, you can continue to have a relationship with him from the other side.
All the best, MM
I just found out tonight that I am not welcome at my ex-mother n laws funeral. She specifically wished for myself not to attend. I guess I am feeling hurt and bewildered. Probaly help if I give a little background.
Myself and my ex are still very close and I like to think good friends. We had been together quite a few years. I didn't have any real concerns with my mother n law in actual fact always bent over backwards to make sure she had plenty of contact with her grandchildren (as live quite far from her)it has been very expensive over the years but whats money to family time.
Not so far back my partner and myself split up this was due to a few concerns at the time my partner wanted to move to be closer to his mother, as his mother was not well, at the time I was the only person working and I didn't believe I had enough security meaning savings or a job to go to in order to do the move and support my children.
There was other factors as well in our break up myself working all the time neglecting the relationship and so on. But not once did I betray him or was unfaithful to him.
We did look like reconciling for a while there but his mother was still unwell and I felt we were still on two different paths. So I told him it was best for him to care for his mother so that she wasn't alone.
Time has gone on and we are still really good friends and speak regularly. Since this time I have taken the children to see her as she was in hospital and stayed with her for a few hours nearly every day I have reassured her, listened to her - I have sent her flowers and spoken with her on the phone when she was well enough.
She passed over just a few days ago and my ex told me not to take the children and for myself not to go as I am currently in a new job. I said I will respect his wishes.
However, my mum has offered to care for the children so that I can attend the funeral and support my ex (whom I still love dearly)so I organised tickets and messaged him - he kept saying not to go and I asked why and in the end he said mum wanted me not to attend. I asked if she hated me and he said no just was hurt because I didn't move down to her and I guess reflecting on it she probably saw her son hurting as well at that time.
I guess I still don't know whether I have made the right or wrong decisions but I have made those decisions based on whether I can meet the needs of my family at the time. But since this time I have travelled to see her and taken the children spent time with her.
I'm sorry I just feel completely bewildered, I don't normally do posts but I guess I am trying to make logic of it all.
Currently I have been advised I am not welcome at the funeral even though my ex is apologising to me. As said earlier this is the request of the now deceased and the reasoning given to me was because I didn't move down there. I feel completely outcasted from the family.
I don't think I am a bad person I try to do the right thing within my means. And now I also feel completely betrayed by my ex whom I have and will do anything for. In that why didn't he say 'mum thats not right' I don't understand. I just wanted to support him and pay my respects to her.
I have been to a few funerals within my extended family but have never known this to happen. I feel like she wanted to hurt me and has succeeded. And I don't know whether my ex and I will ever be able to move past this because I feel he hasnt tried to defend me to his mum or advise his mum that shunting someone because of that was inappropriate or of exteme in comparison.
Could you move past this?
Hello Disgraced,
I'm sorry for the loss of your ex mother-in-law. I'm sorry that issues that should have been put on the table years ago got swept under the rug while you did what you thought was best to COMPROMISE on the situation.
It sounds to me like your exMIL has held a grudge against you for a long time and this is her vindication. You see, you may have done what YOU thought was best for your family, but you didn't do what SHE thought was best for your family.
There is no right or wrong here. Divorce sucks no matter what. Had you moved close to her it still would not repair the damage of divorcing her son. Pure and simple.
Who knows how long your ex has really known about Mom's final wishes? And not told you.
Well, regardless. Your ex has chosen to uphold his mother's final wishes and has told you repeatedly not to attend. He apparently is less in need of your support than you think he is.
If you go you will be putting him in an awkward position. If you feel outcast from the family now is NOT the time to test that out.
Wait till the dust has settled and there is a happier occasion to see the family, including your ex.
Motives can get confused when emotion gets involved.
Who is a funeral really for? Is it for the deceased, who isn't there? Or is it for everyone else? I believe the latter. But at the same time, it's important to respect any stated wishes of the deceased. My parents, for example, were explicit in what they wanted done at their funerals. It would not have occurred to us NOT to do everything that they had spelled out.
I'm really sorry that your exMIL is so spiteful. Your ex has really no choice but to uphold her wishes on this.
You've paid a steep price for your independence, it seems.
But at least you can save the $ you would have spent going to the funeral.
In time, I hope you and your ex can resume your close relationship. Give it time. All around.
My two cents. Worth exactly that, or probably less:-).
Good luck to you.
MM
My mother just passed and I had to deal with a sister who came into her house and took many things that did not belong to her. We have been estranged for years (after my fathers death) and had a huge fight the day after mom died. I regret letting them know she was passing and now I am not sure if I will invite them to her grave site service. Realize that I should but to put up with them after what they have done is too much for me.
Hello Sue Wright,
I'm very sorry to hear of both your mom's passing and your situation with your sister. It sounds very much like our situation.
What's done is done. There is a reason you did let your sister in for your mom's passing. That was the right thing to do because that is what you did. Maybe your mom needed to see her to finish some unfinished business so she could pass in peace (?)
I can relate to your anger toward her. I can relate to wanting to exclude her from the grave site service.
I can tell just from reading what you wrote how difficult and annoying your sister is. Entitled, right? That's how she feels. Yup. I get it.
If the service you are planning includes other people, I think the practical thing is to suck it up and allow her to come. If you don't, she will make your life hell and others may question why she's not there. The last thing you need is to give her an excuse to pound on you any further or create drama or negativity or lobby other people against you.
If you take the high road, even if it makes you cringe, you will be better off in the long run. And after that, you don't have to deal with her anymore.
Revenge sounds like a really good idea when we are emotionally hurt and upset.
Only you know what's the right thing in your situation.
The right thing is what will enable you to grieve your mom's passing, get through the service and live with your heart free and clear for the rest of your life with no regrets about YOUR behavior.
Hope this helps.
All the best to you.
MM
There are a few individuals that I would never never invite to my funeral. I guess I have a ways before I go there but definitely will be doing that.
Hopefully you're right and you have a long time till you have to be thinking about it. But you know, accidents do happen. Might want to have that guest list written in a binder for your family to find so they know what you do/don't want. Never too early...
But i have a feelign these dudes aren't the type to pay last RESPECTS anyway...
Yep. One can never be too careful these days.
LOL mikeydcarroll.
One never can be too careful. No doubt!
Jeff Berndt Level 4 Commenter 12 months ago
It's good of you to write this, as funerals are not something people generally plan for (even though everyone is going to die). It's good to arrange things ahead of time as much as possible. This will be one less thing to worry about for your surviving (and grieving) loved ones.