How does an alcoholic ruin your life?
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They say alcoholism is cunning, bafflling and powerful. One could say the same about the alcoholic. If you have an alcoholic in your life, you know this to be true.
This Hub offers some suggestions -- 100% my own opinion and experience -- on how to recognize and deal with an alcoholic. Oh yes, and regain your sanity.
It's a progressive, fatal DISEASE
The first thing to know about your alcoholic is that s/he is a sick person. Not a bad or weak person. A sick person. As hard as it is to watch someone self-destruct in front of your eyes, the person is not deliberately drinking him/herself to death. S/he is obeying the compulsion to drink. S/he is actually doing what comes naturally: treating the disease.
You see, to an alcoholic, to drink is to be well. It's their normal state. Not to drink is to be ill. Very ill. Until the "obsession of the mind/allergy of the body" is removed, the alcoholic is going to keep on drinking because he has to. He doesn't want to. He has to.
Until you get clued into this fact, the natural tendency is to revile the alcoholic. Tell the truth. Do you feel pity? Do you feel superior? Do you feel disgust? My guess is "yes."
But if your loved one (or work colleague or friend) had cancer, you wouldn't feel that way at all. Wouldn't you be supportive? Of course you would! Surely the alcoholic in your life deserves the same support.
The "Three Cs" of Codependency
I know, I know. That's a tough thing to accept. But it's true (at least current medical thinking is based on a disease model vs. a mental health model).
Again, if your loved one, colleague or friend had cancer, would you think you had caused it? Would you think that if s/he loved you s/he would stop having cancer? Would you blame him/her for acting sick?
Get over yourself. It's not about you! And you know as well as I do that's simply not true. Think about that. Do you believe you have the power to heal your loved one from a fatal disease? If you do, then you must be God. Are you God?
I thought not. So now that we've established that, let's move on to what you CAN do to help.
As you look helplessly at the alcoholic in your life, remember the Three Cs:
You did not CAUSE it.
You cannot CURE it.
You cannot CONTROL it.
Or let me change the emphasis: YOU did not cause it. YOU cannot cure it. YOU cannot control it. And frankly, neither can the alcoholic!
Control is an Illusion
Of these three, the third one is the hardest to swallow. Sorry. I know how difficult it is. But you really can't control the disease or the alcoholic.
In fact, the more you try, the more you fail. The more you fail, the harder you try. It's the vicious cycle of the codepent (that's the person who 'enables' the alcoholic to keep drinking).
Alcoholics are cunning. When that urge to drink takes command, they will do ANYTHING to get their fix. Pouring their booze down the sink may make you feel momentarily better. It may slow your drinker down -- a little bit. But trust me, at the very first opportunity s/he will find a way to get a replacement.
Equally ineffective tactics include:
Yelling
Threatening
Pleading
Guilting
Bargaining
Manipulating
Pouting
The alcoholic may appear to go along with your wishes. S/he may even be sincere, but more than likely it's just a tactic to get you off their back. In the end, you cannot reason with a disease. Alcoholism listens to no one but itself.
Only you can make you a victim
The road to recovery is paved with martyrs. That's because in order to stay in their disease, alcoholics rely on others. They abdicate responsibility for their own lives.
Why? Because they can!!
Any why is that? Because YOU allow it.
While the alcoholic is chasing their bottle, you are frantically chasing your alcoholic.
You believe you are helping. What else are you supposed to do? You recognize they can't manage their own affairs.
You give them a place to live, pay their bills, lend them money, call them in sick to work (when they're really hung over), be the designated driver, pick up their slack at work, etc., etc., etc.
The more you do for them, the less they have to do. Which is great for them, as it allows them more free time to drink. But it's not so great for you. You rightly end up feeling angry and resentful -- not to mention frustrated, defeated and scared.
Who IS This Person?
And you are absolutely right to be scared. This isn't the sniffles. It's serious shit.
As noted above, alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease. That means that it gets worse over time. It accelerates at different rates in different people. But in the end, it wants its victims dead. If left untreated, it will result in death.
The decline of the alcoholic over time
If you've known or lived with an alcoholic for a long time you've probably noticed the changes that occur. In the earliest stage it's difficult to distinguish an alcoholic from other hard partiers/heavy drinkers (although there are clues).
As the disease takes hold, the person starts acting more and more strange. Since you are not an alcoholic, this behavior will seem incredibly bizarre to you. You're right. The behavior truly is bizarre.
The person you once knew becomes seduced by the siren song of alcohol, which inevitably leads them over the rocks [not ice cubes, figurative but craggy, sharps, lethal rocks].
But you don't have to free-fall with them. If you recognize the signs in time, you can get help for yourself, and (fingers crossed) for your alcoholic, too.
Some More Subtle Clues
And here are some behavioral clues that the person you're dealing with is suffering from the disease of alcoholism. Bear in mind that the vast majority of alcoholics are "functioning" (meaning they can still hold it together on the surface) they are still addicted to alcohol.
1. Socially erratic. Blows off dates, family gatherings and other social events with no warning or explanation.
2. Decreasing job performance. As judgment becomes cloudy, it becomes more difficult to focus.
3. Chronic absences and tardies. Mornings are NOT the alcoholic's favorite time of day!
4. Poor decisions. If you find yourself saying, "What was s/he THINKING????" the answer is probably: "S/he wasn't. S/he was DRINKING!"
5. Initial high tolerance for alcohol (the one who can drink everyone else under the table) shifts to a low tolerance. By the end of their drinking careers many alcholics report they were never sure if they were going to be able to drink all night and not get a buzz or get totally trashed on one drink.
6. Car crashes.
7. Broken bones and/or unexplained bruises and boo-boos.
8. Frequent changes of job, residence and/or relationships.
9. Financial problems (theirs) and/or missing money (yours).
10. Irritability. Alcoholics are very, very protective of their drug of choice and their "private business."
Here are some behaviors that identify an "alcoholic."
1. Hiding bottles.
2. Drinking, vomiting, then drinking more.
3. Drinking in the middle of the night (I'm not talking about partying -- I mean waking up at 2 a.m. to take a belt).
4. Shaking when deprived of alcohol.
5. Having seizures caused by alcohol withdrawal.
6. Being unable/unwilling to eat food, preferring to drink instead.
7. Not remembering where they were, who they were with or what they did. This is called a "blackout" and is very, very common among alcoholics.
8. Lying about the amount they are consuming.
9. Lying about who they were with (alcoholics find their equilibrium with others who drink like they do).
10. Promising to cut down or quit, but being unable to.
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So What Can You Do?
I believe the smartest thing anyone in your position can do is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism.
Get yourself a copy of "The Big Book." It's a blue book with the words "Alcoholics Anonymous" on the cover. It's like the Bible of AA.
Attend "open" meetings of AA. Listen to how members describe their drinking days and their lives in recovery.
If you can, bring your alcoholic with you. But don't be too upset or discouraged if s/he refuses to go. You will likely be able to find someone willing to come and talk with (not to) your alcoholic and plant the seed of recovery.
Practice "tough love" with your alcoholic. Remember, s/he will continue to drink until something changes to force the issues. As long as you are taking care of their needs, where's the incentive?
If your alcoholic is particularly stubborn, you may have no choice but to walk away from your relationship. Sad as that sounds, it may be the best thing you can do. It shows you're serious and you're not going to let the alcoholic rule your life anymore.
READ HIS STUFF!!!
- Doug Thorburn, Researching Early-Stage Drug and Alcohol Addiction
Doug Thorburn is a pioneering author researching early-stage alcoholism and other drug addiction problems. His reseach explains each sign of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction.
And Last But Not Least...
Since the average person is pretty much clueless about alcoholism there's still a lot of misinformation, guilt andshame involved. Even if you now understand what you're up against, it doesn't mean your parents, neighbors, boss or friends do. It's quite common for the "co" (codependent) in the relationship to isolate. That's only natural, given the amount of energy you need to expend chasing your alcoholic as s/he chases their bottle!
But you don't have to endure the insanity alone. Just as the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is here to help alcoholics become (and remain) sober, there is a parallel program for those affected by another person's drinking. That program is Al-Anon/Alateen.
Founded by the wife of one of the founding fathers of AA, this program is a godsend for anyone with a drinker in their life. Your alcoholic may never get sober. But you deserve some peace in your life.
God bless you. I wish you serenity.
Does this sound like you?
Have you dealt with an alcoholic close to you?
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Wonderful hub, Mighty Mom. I'm a recovering alcoholic and now find myself watching those around me struggling with their own addictions, remembering the real horror of drunk existence.
Well done.
Hi MIghtyMom -- I've had a few alcoholics in my life over the years and recognize much of the bizarre behaviour you describe here. Good article.
Hi Samboiam, thanks for visiting. It does destroy lives, and not just the alcoholic's.
Lorlie -- I know, me too! Being on the other side really opens your eyes to the insanity that we used to live, doesn't it? Wishing you lots of peace.
Immartin -- Good to see you, as always! MM
Wow what a fantastic hub. I am a recovering alcoholic and I agree with you 100% on this hub, I am blessed that I had the desire and will power to stop drinking, I came to realize that I had everything to lose and nothing to gain from drinking and I was able to quit cold turkey, I do from time to time go to AA meetings to remind me that I should never drink again and it is working well for me, I am a musician by trade and I can honestly say that I do not even have the slightest desire to drink anymore, I have been sober now for nearly 3 years
Thanks you for this hub I hope that it brings much needed knowledge to alcoholics and their families everywhere.
I hope God blesses you in everything you do
Hi Mighty Mom,
ALcoholism is such a sensitive issue and it is so common. As long as we do not know what causes it, we cannot really cure it. I know many people and families, including my own that have suffered so much trauma because of an alcoholic member. It is very important to recognise that all people who have lived with an alcoholic need healing and not just the alcoholic. Very often the people living with the alcoholic ignore their need for healing and the trauma continues to live in their memories...
Well done MM. You've covered it all in expert style, and I hope that every person out there who is in this position reads this. It's so very sad, and I think the key is to know that the alcoholic is sick and suffering from a disease, but that doesn't mean the person living with the alcoholic has to sink with the ship. Many times, I believe, the only answer is to save yourself and swim to shore. I like it on shore. ;)
What a great hub about a difficult topic. Very informative and explains some of the behaviour patterns I've seen in some co-workers & associates over the years, it's a tragic thing.
My alcoholic grandfather died sober and thats about it,Great Hub Mighty MOM...!!
The statistic is that over 50% of American families are effected by alcholism. This is a great hub full of information. I hope someone that needs help will read your hub and get it, as there are plenty of resources available. I heard someone is saving them a seat! ****If the alcoholic is to the point where they are shaking or at risk for DTs, any attempt to stop drinking should be under a doctor's supervision.
Dear sober friends and healing/healed hubbers who've lived the drama: Thank you so much for your comments.
You all raise excellent points -- and HappyHer, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT and I think that the medical issue deserves its own hub! When an alcoholic finally agrees to go to treatment they tell you NOT to stop drinking till you get there. Seizures are a real danger. Thanks for reminding me of that!
Here's to everyone swimming to shore and (with God's help) being able to lure their alcoholic out of the drink, too! MM
Great to read your superlative hubs again MM! I see families around me breaking up because of the bottle and yet there's no positive step towards trying to heal the problem - just trying to hide it. The idea of a support group for the ones close to the alcoholic is such a comforting thought!
Hello Dear Shalini! I feel like I've returned "home" after a long, arduous journey. I've missed HP and am glad to reconnect. Thanks for visiting and welcoming me back. Hugs and hubs, MM
thank you so much! your hub is very useful for me. Fortunately I don't have alcoholics in my family and among my friends, but since few months I working with alcoholics and their families, and your information help me to understand them and help them better
Insightful and well written article. The only thing worse than a drinking alcoholic is a dry one!
Hi fucsia. Glad I could be of help! MM
Hi NN! Good to see you! Hmm. I'll have to ponder that one for a minute. Different misery, I think. Dry drunks are emotionally nasty, no doubt.
You know the saying, once you take the ALCOHOL away, you're still left with the "IC" -- and it's soooo true!
Wonderfully and honestly written. I think so many people don't realize that alcoholism is a disease. Here's to hoping that people who need this information will find your hub. There are so many people who really don't understand how to cope with the alcoholic in their lives.
Great hub with lots of good information. I lived with an alcoholic for 20 years. When I was forced to leave for the sake of my children, I carried a tremendous amount of guilt because I couldn't fix it. When I accepted the fact that there was nothing I could fix, a weight lifted and I could accept my ex as he was. Oh and just for the record only about 25% of alcoholics recover. So congratulations for all who licked it!
Hi Bevspaper -- I know! I encounter a LOT of people who carry old stereotypes around.
Reddog1027. So glad you were able to escape. I know how difficult that must have been for you and your children.
I'd love to think your 25% stat is correct, but I think it's a little high. More like 15%. *sigh*
Wonderful advice...I have had my share of personal experiences with relatives who had the sad disease of alcoholism. It is devastating and dangerous condition. I am sure this hub will help many who need the advice...good job chica!
Gracias, Chica! Love your new pic. Very retro!
Mighty Mom, outstanding...very well said! The three C's are right on. You write with much knowledge, thank you for an exellent hub!
Madison
MM, great hub. I think this may be a help to some. You know prescription drugs are be coming the new thing.people think they are ok because the doctor is giving them to them. Next thing you know they are hooked. My sister died from an overdose on them. We need to watch family members and friends close for this one too.
Hi Madison. Yes, I've got firsthand experience with both sides -- family members and myself (now in recovery). And I've done a lot of reading on the subject. You might say I'm on a crusade.
Granny's House. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. You're so right about scrip abuse. Oxy and liquid morphine are particularly lethal, but the wrong combination/quantity of prescription drugs can enlarge and stop your heart. Thanks for helping spread the word on those.
God bless! MM
Excellent hub Mighty Mom!!
You said:
"Control is an Illusion" and "only YOU can make you a victim".
Well said.
It is such a heartbreaking issue in families. Wonderful and informative!
MM, you've breeched a very serious topic here, and you did so in a wonderful, insightful, informative, and useful hub. I'm giving you full superpowered kudo's here to my avatar cousin.
Mighty Mom, This is an excellent hub on alcoholism. It is impossible to control anyone's drinking as you noted.
I lived with alcoholism as a child and with my first husband. I would say the most important thing to do is get into Alanon and get a good sponsor that has been in the program for a period of time. If you are living with a violent alcoholic, get out, especially if you have children. The violence will also progress. If they are not physically abusive, are they verbally and emotionally abusive to your children. That is an important thing to assess. If they are more of a happy drinker or quiet drinker, then use Alanon to work on your part of the relationship. I thought your suggestion of getting a AA Big Book and going to an occasional AA meeting is also good.
Hi AM Gwynn! Sounds like you're experienced, too. Thanks for visiting.
Wesley -- So good to see you, friend! I've been off superpowering in other areas of life. It feels WONDERFUL to return to HP and know my buds are still around. Thanks for the welcome!!!
Pamela99 -- You raise a good point that people who grow up with alcoholism often repeat the pattern, however unwittingly, when they marry. Glad you were able to get out and heal YOU. God bless. MM
Great hub and great discussion. Thanks Mighty Mom.
You never have to suffer alone. Be friends or family and always talk about your feelings. Crying is also recommended. Changing your lifestyle, eating habits. Walk a lot. Have a meditation or yoga party,. Never dwell on your disease. Or what your mistakes,. Learn and move on. I have faith in you.
Hi kimh038 and nikki1, two new (to me) hubbers with amazingly cool avatars. Thanks for stopping by to comment!
Yes, we don't have to sufffer alone...
MM
MM, this is a wonderful hub...so well organized and full of useful information. I am fortunate, I have never had to deal with alcoholism in any form. It must be a terrible thing to cope with.
I do have a close friend who's mother was an alcoholic before she died, but my friend doesn't seem to have a problem with drinking herself, although she does go to Alanon meetings, for the side effects of having had an alcoholic mother. She's told me a lot about it and it sounds pretty intense.
Hi Alekhouse. You are SO fortunate! I don't think I know a single soul who has not been impacted by alcoholism in their life. It is rampant.
I'm glad your friend is getting Al-Anon help even after her mother's death. The scars of growing up with an alcoholic don't go away by themselves! Please wish her the best from me -- oh, and you too, my dear! MM
Mighty, most people assume that only drug addiction is fatal, many don't realize that alcohol is equally as bad. Keep Hubbing!
Wow, you were thorough in your hub - Very nice, BTW! I divorced a man like that after trying everything,finally tried giving up and that worked - for me. As I got healthier, he got more controlling and 'drunk.' Thank you! I'm looking forward to reading your other hubs!
Hey Jiberish. Wonderful to see you! Yes, alcohol rivals any drug out there for addictiveness and lethalness. If you happen to be susceptible, it will take you DOWN!
mwatkins -- Glad you were able to escape. Too bad your ex didn't get the wake-up call that HE needed to get healthy, too. I will put him on my prayer list! MM
Mighty mom- just wanted to let you know that he woke up by my leaving. He stopped drinking 2 years afterward and married a woman who recently passed away. He became the man I originally met, hoped and prayed for, but not until after I left-15 years ago. I can't describe the heartache that goes with acknowledging that last step of walking away(it is hideously painful). I can only say now that as long as I fed into it and stopped taking care of myself then I enabled that sickness. For both of us. I am 100% responsible for 50% of any relationship. He's a good man today - still sober. Thank you for your prayers.
Hi again mwatkins. Your message is a powerful one! If you have the desire/energy, please write about your experience and we can link our hubs. Sounds like you have a solid recovery in place. God bless your man, also. Glad he woke up and grew up -- even if it took losing you.
MM
Great hub, thanks. At this stage I understand alcoholism as a combined result of physical and mental triggers; a surprisingly complex two part recipe in which both must be present for it to manifest.
That the alcohol is the physical trigger is obvious. The difficulty is determining what the counterpart internal trigger is. It could be said that both triggers are physical, in the sense that our minds, and therefore our thoughts, involve chemical reactions; this is why addictions can even occur without external substances being introduced - Recent studies into the brain chemical known as dopamine, have many suggesting that IT, not alcohol, actually becomes the addictive substance; the alcohol just serving as catalyst.
However, is it simply a human/alcohol chemical reaction that triggers the addiction, apart from any other input from the addict themselves? Or are the resultant chemicals involved also due to other, less obvious, contributions? For example: in relation to brain chemistry, did that certain chemical mix come about before the thought or because of the thought? The power of our incorrect thinking as a trigger to addiction has grown in scientific validity over the years (http://www.time.com/time/interactive/0,31813,16402
This isn’t raised so as to pass judgement on addicts, only to suggest that the subject must be addresses holistically, focusing on part(s) of the problem is insufficient to properly addressing it for the individual. Having said that I will end my comment with what may appear a contradictory quote from Dr. Nora Volkow;
“For nearly a quarter-century the U.S. has been waging a war on drugs, with little apparent success. As scientists learn more about how dopamine works (and how drugs work on it), the evidence suggests that we may be fighting the wrong battle. Americans tend to think of drug addiction as a failure of character. (You just need more will-power; you're not trying hard enough.) But this stereotype is beginning to give way to the recognition that drug dependence has a clear biological basis. "Addiction," declares, "is a disorder of the brain no different from other forms of mental illness."
"That new insight may be the dopamine hypothesis' most important contribution in the fight against drugs. It completes the loop between the mechanism of addiction and programs for treatment. And it raises hope for more effective therapies. Abstinence, if maintained, not only halts the physical and psychological damage wrought by drugs but in large measure also reverses it."
Hi Parrster,
Thanks for the excellent scientific addition to the comments here. It would be fascinating to study the brains of alcoholics vs. normal drinkers and see how their natural dopamine states are. I would guess the alcoholics seriously lack this natural "feel good" substance.
We also know that the livers of alcoholics actually process alcohol differently.
I've often thought it would save a LOT of time and heartache if people could be diagnosed in the early stages by a simmple blood test -- instead of waiting for the alcoholic to 'self-diagnose' years and tears later.
I also wholeheartedly agree the "War On Drugs" misses the mark entirely, as do punitive programs for people who get DUIs.
Would love to see you write more on this subject -- we could link our hubs:-). MM
You are so mighty -Mighty Mom!
Thank you, Micky Dee! Recovery is a mighty thing and getting family members/friends out of their misery is definitely a good thing! MM
Thanks for this hub and thanks for laying it out as you did, make it easily assimilated. Alcohol is not something I've ever been into but the tips you gave, I know I can use them in the future if needed.
This is an amazing hub about drink, I just wish Laura ( Wordscribe ) had left her alcoholic hub up, although I did keep a copy of it, great hub MM xx
Check out the new hub by mwatkins -- she writes it raw about living with and ultimately leaving a drunk husband.
Thanks for visiting and the comment, TG! MM
I will my friend because I guess I am I just on that thin line between being a problem drinker and an alcoholic. plus I love yer hubs x
Yikes,TG. I hope you don't cross that invisible line. There's no going back and being a slave to the bottle totally sucks. But being an alcoholic in recovery is pretty cool, so there IS life after draining the glass once and for all!
Great Hub to read. Always, always awkward, difficult, patience wearing and tiring trying to deal with a person whom is very close to oneself, whether it be a close friend or family member that has this kind of nefarious addiction.
Hi Kangaroo_Jase. You sound like you've been there. Nefarious is a good word for alcoholism. I hope whoever it is in your life that's been suffering got into recovery!
Blessings, MM
a very informative article thanks for sharing with us
Good information. Very thorough.
This article was very helpful to me. I gained a lot of knowledge.
Hi friend
how r u
keep in touch
plz visit my profile
& blog
Hit+++
Excellent Hub, MM. This one really cuts close to the bone here. Had a SO who just couldn't quit, and I made a pretty good enabler. Until I got tired of it all, and in the ensuing six months ran two interventions and nursed her through one case of the DT's.
About the only positive thing that came of all this was I put up my own moderate drinking habit for good, and later began addressing my own codependent issues.
I could be full of it here, but I think when you come to the realization you can't fix anything, you go through the same four plateaus you go through on other major changes (denial, anger, etc.)
Thanks for sharing.
hello ericsomething. Sounds like you know this territory only too well.You don't mention if she ever got sober, but I hope so.
YOU're absolutely right that coming to that realization is recognizing a huge LOSS. Co's need to grieve their loss of (perceived) control just as much as an alcoholic getting sober grieves their "true love" (even though it's a love/hat relationship) alcohol.
Would like to add it's NEVER a good idea to try to nurse an alcoholic through the DTs. If your SO was that bad, she should have been treated medically. You can have seizures from withdrawal.
Anyway, didn't mean to lecture. See you around the rooms of Al-Anon!! MM
Screw this shit.It's not the object of addiction: alcohol, a person could be a workaholic - which is praised in this culture. I suggest you read:
Lance Dodes, M.D., 'The Heart of Addiction' 2002 ISBN 0-06-095803-0
A book review is @
Thanks for your comment, ptosis. Perhaps you missed the caveat in my opening paragraph that this hub is 100% based on MY personal opinions which stem from MY personal experience.
You are right, tho. Addiction can take many forms. And behavior done to the extreme in an effort to keep from feeling your feelings is addiction. Could be work, sex, gambling, shopping, exercise, food.
I will check out the book review, tho.MM
I have a very dear friend who's an alcoholic and hasn't touched a drop from the time I met her. I know her struggle and can't imagine her drunk, here's hoping she never takes a sip and all others face their addiction as did she and deal with it. Thanks and Peace :)
Hi katiem2. When you meet a sober alcoholic it's hard to imagine how they were before. Even hard-core "I was homeless" drunks can regain their dignity and lives in sobriety.
Much different if the person is in your life and struggling to get sober in the first place. That is a TOUGH thing to watch and live with.
Congratulations to your friend. She's doing the right thing by not taking a drop -- it's the "insanity of that first drink" that is so deadly for alcoholics.
Wishing you serenity, MM
This is an amazing hub, very well done! I celebrated 5 years of sobriety on May 24, 2010. We alcoholics don't realize the things that we put our family and friends through.
Hello claramj3. CONGRATULATIONS! That is absolutely huge. I know what you mean. We are like tornadoes roaring through people's lives obvlivious (literally!). Then we wake up and realize that we weren't just hurting ourselves. Thank God there's a process for getting over THAT guilt!
Glad to have you here as a fellow recoveree. Cheers, MM
really heart felt hub, I could feel you writing it and that is what make a great article when it comes from the heart. What you said is all true with the three c's but that goes for live as well.
Hi dawnM,
Thank you. Yes, I've lived both sides of the alcoholism/addiction family scenario. Honestly, it's easier (in some ways) to be the one on the inside. At least you're oblivious:-)!
And yes, you are wise to recognize that the 3 C's go for life in general...
Good article, most people don't realize that there are functioning alcoholics. You imagine someone almost in the gutter but it is not always that obvious.
Hi Fionaxmalone! I love your name!
And yes. You're so right. The typical alcoholic IS functioning. Many continue to work -- not even missing work. The bum with the paper bag is an unfortunate stereotype. Much more dangerous (IMHO) is the "professional" who's addicted to alcohol. In my own "circle" I know a recovering pharmacist, psychiatrist, judge (2, actually), several lawyers, and more NURSESthan I can count. That's scary!
It's all about the relationship with the bottle.
Thanks for visiting and your comment. MM
Great hub! Much useful to the people who are suffering with this addiction and those who are surrounded to the earlier. Thank you for publishing such a wonderful hub for the interest of public.
Many thanks for reading and commenting theindianblues!
Thanks for the topic. Had one amusing aside happen in the 1980s - husband was in 40 day program; I went to the "Family Four Day" (at Carmel, NY) twice. First time, 20 of us affected were seated in a circle. The leader asked us to introduce ourselves and say our relationship to the alcoholic. After the first five Irish names, I started snickering. Everybody turned to look at me, but I was saved by the leader. She went on to explain how logical that was because of heredity (I'm Scotch/Irish). I learned a lot in those four days - and again the next time he was in for a longer period. T'ain't fun by any stretch.
God love ya, MobyWho (and your hubby). It's true. Certain ethnicities are more prone to the disease than others -- the Irish being right up at the top (surpassed only by Native Americans and Russians these days).
I recall going to those family days when my Mom was in treatment. It all went over my head at the time. Nowadays I'm what I might call an expert on the subject:-). Good to see you jumping into HP!! MM
Thanks for your insight. My wonderful husband was sober when we met and married. After a year, he drinks all day. Vodka. At first he lied. Said the bottle fell and broke, etc.. I told him I don't mind the drinking, but I don't want to be lied to. He drinks all day, and his insides are falling apart. I thought I had done something wrong. I see perhaps, it is not my fault. Thanks.
Namaste.
Hi Deborah Demander,
I'm really sorry to hear that news. Your husband sounds like he is really stuck in his disease. He knows how it feels to be sober, so I hope he is able to get back there. You say his insides are falling apart. It will only get worse and eventually he WILL die from drinking.
Hopefully you will convince him -- for your own sake -- to quit again.
God bless. MM
Hello Mighty Mon and Blessings. This Hub touched my heart because I work with Alcoholics and drug addicts daily! To watch them waste away to nothibg hurts my heart! Some I have helped and some I couldn't help but did refer them to other resources like treatment centers, therapist, etc. What really hurt is they are people who has fallen and can't find there way back. Wonderful Hub my friend, Blessings!!!
Hi drpastorcarlotta. The work you are doing is important, but I know disheartening at times (okay, often). So difficult to realize that no matter what you do you are not going to be able to help some people.
They have to help themselves...
God bless you,
MM
Thanks for educating people on how alcoholism is a disease. This was a good article.
Hi, this was a very good article, and I wish I had read it a while ago, my friend is an alcoholic, and it was a nightmare, she used to turn up at my house every day with drink, smelling like a brewery, I tried to get her off of it, but in the end she got so bad I had to get her out of my life, she brought men around who were just as bad as her, and expected to stay! i think she is still the same, but my mental state is better for letting her go. thanks nell
Hu Sunnyglitter -- thanks for your comment. Trying to spread the "gospel" that it's an illness.
Nell -- I had a friend like that also. She would get so drunk and be so outrageous. No boundaries whatsoever.
And you are describing a phenomenon that's common among alcoholics. Hanging around with others who drink like them makes them feel better about their own drinking...
Hey Mighty Mom, I found your hub very useful to many people and very well written. However, I'm of a different understanding, for which, always leads back to choice. In the end, some choices are made too hastily and without knowledge or wisdom to reinforce, so people use their faith to maintain a control over their desire to drink. This makes them fail, simply because they do not understand themselves as of yet, but begin a dangerous path for both mind and body. But, I chalk these actions up to chosen ignorance about alcohol in general. Many people cannot wait to turn 21 years of age, so they can drink, without truly grasping the hazards that come with the territory. I was accused of being an alcoholic without actually being one. I drank sometimes 6 or 7 hours a day for weeks at a time, depending on paycheck. I spent countless hours in bars drinking and gambling to top it.
I would work and a good portion of my time not at work, I was drinking somewhere. Some people told me it was a problem and I kept telling them that there was no problem, because I had it under control, which was actually the truth. I drank when I wanted to, and stopped when I wanted to. I appeared to have a problem, but there really wasn't a problem. You can see an alcoholic, by when the abuse begins, because at that point they are no longer even listen to their conscience. Again, wonderful hub. :) Btw- I have not had a drink in 4 years now. I found it fairly easy to walk away from it and have no regrets in doing so or the path I walked to get where I am today. :)
Hey Cags,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience. I'd have to agree with you -- you certainly were a heavy drinker, abused alcohol even. But are NOT alcoholic.
The tipping point is when the choice to drink is taken away -- a real alcoholic would have a very, very, very difficult time walking away from alcohol like you did.
Notwithstanding, I bet the people who used to tell you you had a problem are happy that you've quit!
Congratulations. Life after booze is really quite rich, isn't it?!!! MM
Hey Mighty Mom, I have a wonderful life without booze, and I had a wonderful life with it as well. All those people who told me I had a drinking problem are not in my life and have not been for sometime. It simply showed me that my friends really were not what I call a friend. Not once did I have a family member tell me I had a problem, because I was trusted to control myself and those people understood me better than my friends did.
It's a damn shame when people choose to be ignorant about the choices in their life. There is so much information made available to people, yet alcoholism continues to threaten people's lives. It's a poor choice to begin with in it entirety, when you know nothing about it. :)
Mighty Mom, We have had many functional alcoholics in our family, and I was addicted to methamphetamine, now many years drug free. My beloved niece spent a month in rehab, which we both know is not that long, and does not appear to understand that alcohol, like prescription drugs, is a central nervous system depressant that has the same effect as the prescription drugs. as is often the case, she has alienated her family, and worse of all, her children. And this is someone who once home schooled her children to protect them from destructive forces in our society. It was kept from me until last week, by her request, and I am now suffering from the blow of learning about it. I don't feel better, that she appears to be protecting her alcohol addiction by denying that alcohol is a problem. I can't even talk to her, because my sister has sworn me to secrecy, and I am not supposed to know. It is the same old story; she is losing everything for which she worked, most recently, a job she earned after two years of completing an associates degree while working full time at minimum wage. I've counseled many families of addicted people, but this is the first time I've ever suffered in this way with one. I already know all the rules, i've coached others for years. JUst wanted to vent. Thanks for being here.
Also, to the person above me, many people can drink too much forever, and never become alcoholics. It may not be the best lifestyle, but I agree there is a difference. Whether it is emotional stability or heridity I do not know, but I know such people exist. MY father was a problem drinker for years, but when he got ready to quit, he simply quit. He never lost anything substantial due to his drinking, though it was a problem for his family. Still, he was able to just quit, and many are unable to do so. (:v
Hi Valerie,
You are welcome to vent anytime -- either on HP or offline.
I often say it's harder on the family than the addict/alcoholic. At least they get to obliterate themselves.
So sorry to hear about your niece. Obviously she is aware on some level. Your sister knows but you are not supposed to know. Um hm. We are as sick as our secrets.
Unfortunately, this isn't a secret that should be kept (why am I telling you this?).
I know that a quick spin-dry is inadequate, but I hope it opens your niece's eyes to where she is headed.
Meanwhile, I hope the rest of the family -- her kids included -- get to Al-Anon.
Good luck.
I empathize 100% -- for what that's worth. MM
everything you say in this is true. And being the person who has experience from the outside lookin in this is all so true. voted up, bookmarked, and useful. Iwish there was a powerful button because i'd add that as well.
Dear Rebecca,
It means a LOT to me that you got something useful from my hub. I may not be an expert in much, but this is one subject I know from inside out and back again. I was the daughter of an alcoholic decades before I became one myself.
It never ceases to amaze me how many of "us" (alcoholics) in recovery can be so totally clueless as to how to deal with other alcoholics in our own lives -- especially alcoholic children.
There are quite a few hubbers in recovery who are more than happy to share their experience, strength and hope.
On a personal note, I hope that your situation -- whatever it is -- gets better for you. Wishing you serenity, MM
Amazing hub. very informative. voted up.
Thank you, triosol. I hope that whoever is in your life gets help. Blessings. MM
very well written, I thoroughly enjoyed this article even if I've heard it repeated already in al-anon meetings. That's a keeper. Thanks for the all-inclusiveness of so many of the high points of this subject.
Thanks, cyclrmom.Glad to know I'm on the same page with Al-Anon. Addiction/alcoholism really sucks for the loved ones. I wish you peace and serenity. MM
when was this written?
Hello Danigirl. This hub was published 5/12/10.
Why?
My brother is an alcoholic. Some in the family don't want to admit it. His marriage is being affected. His young children are hurting inside. It is truly heart breaking...
Dear Mary's Daughter,I am sorry to hear about your brother and his family. My first reaction to the line "some in the family don't want to admit it" is -- how common is THAT? very. If your brother had heart disease or cancer, would the family be reluctant to "admit" it? Of course not!
I hope you are able to get his wife to put her foot down so his disease doesn't take her family down.
But truthfully, the only person who can decide to do something about it is your brother. I will pray for him. MM
Good topic, how common, good advice. Keep it up!
Thanks SGFR. It is all too common, unfortunately. Thanks for reading and for your comment. MM
The only thing is you can not really attend AA meetings unless you are an alcoholic yourself, not knowing that you are of course you can sneak in, but at the same time it is really meant for those addicted. Alanon of course works for the families, and of course Child of and alcoholic group. You really can't fix them, or change them, although you would like to you can't, and your only hurting yourself and them by staying there going along with it.
Hello HattieMattieMae. You're absolutely right that you are hurting yourself by staying and going along with it. They call it a "family disease" for a reason. When one person in the family is alcoholic, it makes the whole family sick. So sad. But treatable!
I don't know where you live, but where I live we have two kinds of AA meetings. Closed meetings are for alcoholics only. Open meetings are just that: open.
Anyone can attend. I stand behind my assertion that it's a great way to really understand how alcoholics think, how they tackle their disease. You might even find some helpful friends there.
But when all is said and done, as you pointed out. If the alcoholic in your life refuses to get help, you are not helping him/her by staying around and going down with his/her ship.
Thanks for the visit! MM
oh yes forgot! lol, been awhile back since I been there! lol I forgot I did attend one that must have been open when they tell their stories. But most of the time they have closed meetings here.
I read this and I'm just so glad I don't drink. Anymore. Thanks, MM, for another awesome hub.
Hey friend. I knew there had to be more to you than just healthy eating and movie reviews.
22 and no more drinking? Bravo for you. I imagine there's a story there. Which you probably wish to remain private.If you ever decide to hub about your experience... it would be really cool.
More cross links, perhaps! Have a great night, Jet. MM
I'll think about it writing that hub. Haha. There's more to all of us. That's what's awesome about people. :)
Wonderful hub and I hope to touch on some of this soon in my own hubs. You forgot to mention in your poll as an option, "myself." I am a recovering alcoholic and have been in recovery for over two years. I cannot tell you how absolutely grateful I am and only an alcoholic understands what it means to say that it was God's grace, because I could have never stopped alone on will power and this could turn into a novel if I shared my war story and how alcohol has damaged my life and the lives of my family members. My father died in 2007 from this disease and it is just that.
Being an active alcoholic for most of my adult life was changed by the 12 step programs. It does work if you want it to. Thanks for your input. Hope to read more from you.
Thanks for sharing that, Milkman Mike. I know there are people who are able to get sober without a program, but I believe alcoholism needs to be treated. Either we treat it the "natural" way with alcohol (until that stops working for us) or we treat it with a recovery program. It works for millions and millions of people worldwide. It works if you WORK IT!
Glad to hear you're one that does! MM
Great hub. Thanks for enlightning many people that may not have really understood. So many people thihk that they can control the use of their loved ones. It is such a myth. People don't understand that alcohol (or drugs) have caused the person they love to lose control of themselves and their lives. I started with hubpages because I hope to pass on info such as u have/are doing. I hope u get the chance to check out my hubs as well. Voted up and useful. Each one teach one... Thanks for sharing!
Hello justfortoday,
Glad to have another voice for the JFT lifestyle!
Wishing you serenity and a wonderful Hub Pages experience! MM
Excellent article, Mighty Mom! Been there, done that. Voted up and useful!
Hi MM, thanks for the wonderful hub. I have seen too many families destroyed due to this social drink when abused or placed in the wrong hands. The info is very useful to all groups of people. It is very hard to watch a very high achieving individual become useless in the end. Keep writing!
Hello gift61.Thank you so much for your comment. Over achievement is a classic early stage alcoholic coping mechanism. "More,more more" in all things, including money, prestige and power. Sort of compensates for the big hole in our souls. But if the disease is left unchecked, the mighty WILL fall. It's devastating to see anyone succumb, but I think watching someone who has seemingly had it together for a long time crash and burn is even harder to observe.
Thanks again. This is a subject very, very near and dear to my heart.
The definition of a codependent is NOT NECISSARILY the same as an enabler - please don't spread misinformation.
Co-dependent behaviors are about not having healthy normal boundaries (you put up with things you shouldn't), caretaking, obsessing over the alcoholic's drinking and your ability to control it. There are other destructive behaviors, but that's codependency at its core.
Enablers, on the other hand, are people who help the alcoholic continue drinking, and never allow the alcoholic to suffer consequences due to his drinking. Examples include: drinking with the alcoholic and driving the drunk around, thus allowing him to be drunk with no reprocussions.
This is a very important distinction because people who live with these addicts need a ton of therapy to become healthy people again, and they generally abhor the alcoholism and these are the people to be focused on, the innocent spouses, children, patents etc. whose lives are destroyed by addicts.
And it's not fair to say all codependents are enablers (some are). Codependents need to get help the most, as they are the ones who lose out biggest with alcoholics.
Hi Gina,
I reread what I wrote above and am not sure what misinformation you feel is there (?). I outlined some enabling behaviors. By definition anyone who lives with an active alcoholic is codependent. I could argue (although I did not say this above) that at one time or another all codependents engage in some enabling behavior. Even the innocent children. It's not intentional. It's all part of the sickness.
Regardless, we agree it's a family disease and the dysfunction perpetrated by alcoholic in the center is widespread.
ALL members of the family need help to get well.
I would argue here that the #1 person who needs help is the alcoholic. S/he is the only one who is suffering from a progressive, FATAL disease. If s/he can get into recovery that also affects the rest of the family (in a positive way). Which is not to say they don't also need their own programs to gain/regain their own health. For their own sake they need to do whether their alcoholic remains active in the disease or not.
Thanks again for commenting. MM
Good hub. Yes, it is a difficult situation but it can be dealt with. Blood, sweat and tears but it can be dealt with!!! http://georgethegent.hubpages.com/hub/I-admit-it-I
It's so hard to understand alcoholic behavior sometimes. It just seems insane! It's especially hard to watch parents have to deal with their alcoholic children.
I had a crush on this girl in my first year of college. She was shy, caring and intelligent. Nobody talked to her. But then she took up alcohol out of peer pressure to get attention. I saw her changing before my eyes. It's unbelievable how alcohol can turn a lovely person into a shadow of herself. There are still glimpses. That's why it hurts even more. I don't want her to fall. So, it's even harder for me to leave her.
Hello DrivingPeace,
It IS insane. You hit the nail right on the head there. It's hard to deal with any alcoholic in your life. I do tend to agree it's hardest for parents to let go and let God. We, as parents, feel like we should be able to "fix" it or that we are responsible for our children. Very hard, indeed.
Thanks for your insightful comment!
Hello Rahman,
Yes, I recognize all too well what has occurred with your friend. If she truly is an alcoholic (and your brief description indicates that she is), she took one sip of that magic elixir and suddenly was outgoing, not shy, popular and seemingly on top of the world. The lovely person you knew before she looked to alcohol for validation is still in there. I do hope she rediscovers her true self before she falls flat on her face and loses you and herself in the process.
Sounds like she needs a big wake-up call.
Good luck. MM
Hi Mighty Mom.
You've certainly touched a nerve with your hub based on the number of comments you've received. It's a great, though sad read in many ways.
Under normal circumstances, alcohol is a social lubricant that can and does bring a little joy into the lives of millions when used in moderation. Unfortunately, 1 in 10 people in the industrialised world are dependent on it, and over time it becomes the most important thing in their lives, bar none!
Because of the devastating effects alcohol can have on both the drinker and those around him/her, one can't help but wonder sometimes why a drug like this is perfectly legal whereas other, less harmful mind altering substances are totally outlawed.
The problems with alcohol seems to be getting worse in modern societies, and in the UK it's said that a huge percentage of middle-aged men drink daily. Although they may not be drinking 'alcoholically', it's it's certainly a worrying trend nonetheless.
To every problem there is a solution for those who want it badly enough. So I guess for both drinkers and those affected by their drinking, it might be more positive to fight FOR a life of sobriety rather than constantly battling AGAINST alcoholism. Easier said than done, I know…
Andy Aitch
Hello Andy Aitch. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
As long as the statistic remains 1 in 10 alcoholics to normies, there's no reason to ban alcohol. Drinking daily shows a habit, possibly a dependence. But hey -- if you can do it with no ill effects, where's the harm, if the drinking is in moderation. Middle aged guys getting hammered daily -- that's nae good, as they say.
I really like your last comment. Sobriety takes work but millions work for an maintain it every day. Battling AGAINST alcoholism is fighting a losing battle. It is a powerful, progressive and fatal disease (that is my belief, anyway). Sobriety, on the other hand, is choosing life. Worthy every bit of the work...
Thanks again for commenting. MM
samboiam 2 years ago
Thank you for addressing this very important topic. I have known many through the years whose lives have been destroyed becasuse of alcoholism.