Family Betrayal: My Sister Is No More
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My sister,
My sibling,
What have you done?
Betrayed me,
Dismayed me,
Who have you become?
Our father
Our mother
Grow older, regress
My heart aches
I care take
Yet feel no duress
They raised us
They praised us
Yet we’re night and day
You bully,
So bossy,
Must have the last say
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You’re oldest
One ‘tween us
I’m your “baby brother”
Does that make
You expert
On what’s "best" for Mother?
My honor
To Dad was,
To always be there
You diss Mom
Dismiss Mom
Do you even care?
So angry,
So artful,
You slither and slide
Your scheming
Day dreaming
I watch you connive
It’s all for your own sake
This fantasy care take
Do you think nobody sees?
Your sugary words
Masking actions like swords
I've prayed, and dear God quite agrees
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So needy
So greedy
I’m onto you, honey
Your pretense
An offense
It’s all for their money
As Mom becomes older
Your plot becomes bolder
Why must you treat her this way?
“Just sign here”
“Just trust me”
How much have you stolen today?
Life split you
Then spit you
All hardened by sin
Heart’s hateful
Ungrateful
No sunlight shines in
You deceiving,
Mom believing,
I told her you lied
We’ll fight you
God smite you
‘Cause right’s on our side
My sibling,
A stranger,
My sister no more
Just wait ‘til
Your own daughter
Evens the score
© July, 2009 Mighty Mom
Backstory
I penned this poem in longhand on a yellow legal pad over the weekend. Hubby and I finally declared a much-needed weekend for ourselves. We loaded the kayak (it's a tandem) and headed to Inverness on Tomales Bay for some fresh air to clear our heads. Ah, heaven is a waterscape!
Precipitating this impromptu vacation was Hubby's discovery that the Family Trust is soon to be 100% controlled by Evil Sister. The Family Trust lawyer told Hubby he now works exclusively for her, no one else in the family.
We had a bit of trouble explaining this concept to Hubby's mom. We desperately needed to just get away to clear our heads and figure out a game plan to fight this latest injustice.
No surprise, Evil Sis struck while we were gone, bringing in a "doctor" to declare my mother-in-law incompetent - the final task on her "grab the Trust" to-do list.
Stay tuned for further developments as the dynamic duo of MM and Hubby fight to bust the trust and rewrite it in the name of truth, justice, and sanity!! MM
Lies, Lies, Lies
Elder Abuse Resources
- Elder Abuse and Neglect: In Search of Solutions
This 20 page brochure was produced by APAs Office on Aging. Written for consumers, but useful to anyone who wants to know more about elder abuse. Topics covered include: what are the different types of abuse and neglect and why abuse occurs. - NCEA Homepage
- http://www.elderabusecenter.org/
- www.ncea.aoa.gov/
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Beautiful and heartfelt poem.
I hope that in time you will be able to go beyond all of this. The scenario you just wrote about happens in many families...where money is concerned but our familial relationships are not arbitrary. Family is where we spend a lot of time with that we may learn about ourselves.
Much love to you.
I went through exactly the same thing. He ruined us and himself too. Good luck.
Oh MM - I know so many going through the same thing - is there always one bad apple in the pile? How does it happen when all are raised with the same love and caring? Or does money almost within reach make you forget your humanness and be blind to all else? It must be so tough when it's your Mum.
You're so right - I've also seen it coming back in full measure and then some but that still doesn't ease the pain :(
Stick with it MM.
It's as if this is my mother talking to her sister a few years back. It was most horrible and I have to say I lost all respect for my aunt. My grandmother never saw it though. Aunt just came to "visit" and left my mother the burden to care for Grandmother who quickly came down with sever dimentia. Everything my mother had said about my aunt quickly made sense.
MM, if misery truly does love company, you've got plenty of it. In our case, it's not a sibling so much but rather my wife's oldest daughter who blames her Mom for "everything bad" in her life...and said daughter is nearly 40! We've had to seal this toxic individual away from our lives and cauterize the wound, but it's been worth it.
This is heartbreaking MM, unfortunately it happens all over, my brother is the one in our family, he managed to get thousands from my grandparents, will never forgive him , for the hardship that befell my parents because of it.
I remember you mentioning her before. Funny how the most beautiful poems come through when we are at the height of emotion!
How sickening that narcissists like that can rape someone of everything and show no remorse.
As hard as this may sound, you need to detach from it, once you have done your part to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Harboring deep anger like that isn't healthy.
Great poem, btw.
PS I hate it when you click "Post Comment," and it takes so long that you think you forgot to click it, so you click it again, and then here we are with the two comments right next to each other...and all I can do is "Edit Comment...."
I rarely see my own two sisters, and while the pain has mostly scabbed over after all these years, sometimes it still hurts. I'm sorry you are dealing with this kind of strife. I know it isn't fun. People can change, but they usually don't. (((hugs)))
Sobering poem, and I know many people will, unfortunately, identify with it. I'm not, by any means, second-guessing the thoughts/feelings expressed in this poem; but since the issue is such a widespread one, I thought it may be worth adding the following thoughts: I've seen so often, in my own life, how what looks like "evil" or betrayal in families is so often a matter of ignorance or of people being on far "different pages" in their thinking than we ever realize someone so close could be. The "different pages" thing or "completely-different-thinking" thing doesn't show up in day-to-day life until there's a big crisis, at which time people find it particularly important to "stand up for their beliefs" about what is right. I've so often been amazed and shocked at how certain relatively close people think once a crisis arises. I'd hope that people going through "hard feelings" with siblings or other family members aim to understand one another, even it takes seeing a counselor. It's one thing when a family member is emotional disturbed to the point of being "evil", but it's so sad if families grow apart over misunderstandings that could be cleared up if we truly knew how some family members are feeling/thinking. I guess my point is that I continue to be amazed at how people we believe we know can think so differently than we ever would imagine. Again, not second-guessing what's behind the poem - only offering what I have been shocked and amazed to learn over the years.
The difficult thing with elder abuse/exploitation is that sometimes the elderly person (who may or may not be every bit as clear-thinking as he's always been) actually prefers what's going on (which leads to question of whether he's thinking as his "independent self" or from being the victim of exploitation for so long). MightyMom, sorry for the long comment; but this is an important issue, and I couldn't resist adding thoughts. (My siblings and I - all close as ever - dealt with the issue of someone's exploiting our mother, and - boy - was it difficult then, as living with the knowledge of it remains difficult now, years after she passed away.)
OMG, how powerful was that? So sorry you have to go though this, but what a great way to get it out! And thanks so much for sharing something so personal.
Dear Hub Pages friends, I cannot tell you all how much your support means. It really helps to know so many of my favorite people (you!) have lived through similar situations, which tells me I'm human and so is Hubby and his Evil Sister. Still, living in what feels like a Greek tragedy is so disturbing, especially since my own siblings banded and bonded like champs when our Dad passed. This is coming completely out of left field (although if you have read some of my other Hubs about my father-in-law dying and my Hubby being Jan Brady -- you are in tune).
What I get from all of your comments is appreciation that families can be this way, and until a crisis arises we just have no idea what we're made of. Given that, I am happy to know what Hubby's made of and he is setting a good example for my son, also!
Wow this poem speaks to me since my brother and I have not talked in years. My situation is not the same but the emotions certainly are. Thanks for sharing. I hope things change for you and your hubby.
It isn't right when kids take advantage of their parents like that. She must not care how much it hurts her family. I wish you the best of luck. My wife works in a nursing home and it often seems like some of the relatives who never come to visit suddenly show up when they are looking for a piece of the pie.
TM, Thanks for your support.
Jim -- I bet your wife sees a lot of this. It's shocking, but common. MM
If there's not, there should be a special place in hell for those who exploit or otherwise abuse the elderly. Thanks for writing this, MM
I am going through that right now with my grandmother in a rehab facility for a broken hip, I have been at her requests put her vehicles and assets in my mothers name. The family hates it but I think it is best for the assets my grandfather worked all of his lfe for.
dori
I can so relate to this poem and situation. I have a similar situation with my brother! Good to express and let it out! All the best to you.
Tom, Now you know me well enough to know that it is not the sister, but Hubby and I who are the abusers in this scenario. I have written enough of the situation for everyone at Hub Pages (and the world) to know that we are neglectful, disrespectful (hey -- there's a rhyme, I need to go back up and edit this poem:-) kids. But thanks. I appreciate your comment.
Fortunerep -- Sorry you are going through a similar problem. It's amazing how the wishes of the elderly so quickly become secondary to self-righteous middle-aged people who insist "they know best." Sure. They know what's best for THEMSELVES.
Jodi -- Sorry to hear you, too, are in the same boat. Seems there are quite a few of us. I will not say misery loves company, as HP is not about misery. It's about self-expression and sharing and support. and yeah. It definitely helped to express it and let it out! Whew! Very, very empowering!!! MM
So well written, how well I can see, I have 7 sisters all younger than me.
There has never been a point in time we have ever all been on talking terms at the same time. As you so aptly put it, greed is the underlying cause, needing control of the money, the time, the love whatever, for the me minded concepts.
Best of luck as you work through the current circumstances. As always enjoy your poetic prose and can understand how much that alone starts the wheels into motion to actively engage the situation.
Hang in there MM...The truth will prevail. Your poem was heatfelt. It is so sad that at a time when the family should support each other, there is conflict. I saw this when my grandma passed in 2004; my uncles and aunt were fighting over trivial matters like who will read the scripture at her funeral. It was painful to watch because they were always supportive to each other. I chuck it up to grieving.
Take care and hugs...
MM
This is quite a personal hub and I appreciate the trust you have in us, your hubber friends. And they say the people who hurt us the most are the people we love the most. Again, thanks for sharing ;D
MM you know you have my unyeilding support with this situation . And I love the new avatar too !
Emohealer -- 7 sisters. Good lord. That's a lotta estrogen in one family. I hope this can serve as a cautionary tale (not sure where your family is in the parental aging/leave-taking process). Thanks for visiting.
DynamicS -- Many thanks. It's more shocking because I thought when I married into this family they were soooo close. Ha!
Cris -- Thanks. I have consummate faith and love for my hubber friends. I see this adult child tearing her mother's heart out and telling horrible lies about my Hubby. He is the most honorable man I have ever met besides my own father and his father. It breaks my heart. I know that truth will prevail, tho.
Tony -- you are such an angel. Thank you, my friend! And thanks for the compliment. I felt MM needed a little more super power:-).
Your poem is powerful and expresses the hurts betrayal and frustrations so strongly that you can almost reach out and touch it. Your sister in law may get away with what she is doing because right unfortunately does not always prevail, but what you and your hubby have is worth far more than what your S-I-L is trying to grab. Your mum in law is lucky to have at least one child that loves her for herself and love is the only thing we can take with us when we go. You are a special couple and an inspiration to many on hubpages, I pray that God will strengthen you and give you peace and victory in this awful situation.
I'm sorry for that sister's soul! Life can be so cruel, but not that much! But I think she will serve her right when her
own daughter
Evens the score...
So thoughtful Mighty Mom, thanks.
Very well written .......... what goes arond comes around. glad you enjoyed your weekend
Shamel -- You keyed in on that, didn't ya? I certainly don't wish it on her, but that is exactly how things appear to be shaping up. Her own daughter refuses to be controlled and it's no accident lives 2 continents away!
Maggs and \Brenda -- Thank you for visiting. I am gratified to have you both here on HP.Maggs, you said it right there. Love is what we take with us. It feels so foreign to be having to "fight" for that, tho. And \Brenda, thank you also. Karma, baby, karma! Your presence, too is uplifting. Thank you!
This is awful MM, not the poem, but what is happening! is there anything you can do about it, like get the mom-in-law unclassified as having lost the plot? Money always brings out the worst in people, eh? Greed, just plain evil. Well, if she gets her greedy paws on the family trust, she'll get no enjoyment out of it, that's for sure!
When my grandmother was on her death bed....one of my aunts started taking my grandmother's watch off of her arm while saying,"Mom promised this to me!" My sister told the aunt,"If you take grandma's watch...I will kick your ass all over this hospital!" The watch remained.
It's rednecky...but it gets the point across. I hope you find a solution to the problem soon. Your poem was perfect.
Cindy -- thanks for your clarification that it's the situation and not the poem that is awful. But the poem itself is awful, too. I really do not like having to spew this way, but it is quite cathartic. I've got that righteous anger thing going on triple: for my Hubby first, my mother-in-law (sweet, sweet woman) second and also for me, as this whole thing has wreaked havoc on MY life.
As I write this Hubby is taking his mom back to her doctor to see if we can get her declared mentally competent. If so, she can revoke the original trust and rewrite it. If not... well, I don't know what our options are. But we are working with an attorney.
Tom -- I don't see that as rednecky at all. Unless you mean the threat of kicking one's aunt's derriere all over the hospital:-). I can remember even as young kids my siblings and I would visit my grandmother's house and lay claim to what we would want when she died. I recall the object of my affection was a metal stool in her bathroom! Can you imagine? By the time Grammy passed at 91, that stool was long gone.
Luckily, my brother, sister and I have all been quite civil about according each other various "extras" from my dad's life. He wanted my brother to have his car, which was fine by us. My sister snuck in and took my mom's engagement ring, but this, too, seemed fair, as she had done the lion's share of caring for Mom before she died. And I got the furniture I grew up with. The perfect extra for me and probably valued right around the same as the ring and the car! Voila. Easy peasy!!!
A good poem about a sad situation. I wish you the best during this hard time.
Thanks, Not Telling. We are reclaiming our power in the situation, although the emotional wounds that have been inflicted will take a long time to heal.
MM, you are a master poet. I believe only people genuinely moved by goodness in their hearts can achieve the status of master poetry. The true love you feel for your husband and Mother-in-law and the vehemence felt for the atrocious selfishness of the uncaring heart of your sister-in-law are found in the depths of your poetry. God Bless You. You will win this fight!
I hate stories like this. Money sucks. Hope it ends well. Great read by the way.
Kebennett1, You are wayyy too kind. I am good at rhyming lines, but hardly a "master poet" (we do have a few of those here on HP). I very much appreciate your comment. It is very true that I love my husband and mother-in-law and am beyond outraged at my sister-in-law's actions.
RB -- Money doesn't suck if it's yours. Taking it from a nice old lady totally sucks, tho! Thanks for visiting. And thanks for your good wishes.
God, I felt like I was reading about a few people...but this is as blatant as it gets. I'm really, really sorry. I couldn't feel that way if the poem hadn't been so ardent and articulate. Absolutely loved the end.
Hello sbeakr -- Yes, unfortunately our lawyer (and several hubber comments) indicate that this scenario is not at all uncommon. Thank you for reading and for your support. The end is not made up. It's absolutely in the works as we speak. Sad.
I feel for you. My sister has disowned me because I stepped in and put a stop to her taking advantage of her own son. He is 22 and autistic. He now lives with me and she no longer has control of him or his money. She is steaming mad and has disowned me and anyone else in our family who agrees with me that her treatment of him was unfair. I don't control his money either-I had him examined and deemed competent, he had to take some life skills classes and is handling his own money quite responsibly. Best of luck to you!
That poem is so powerful and sadly enough this type of situation happens all to often. Hopefully, your family will find peace. Be blessed.
MM this is such a powerful poem and well done too. It is sad that such human behavior is so common among our own. No one really wins and so many are hurt in so many ways. Hang in there girl, and best of luck to you and hubby.
Great Poem. That describes alot of feeling my wife is going through. Her sister has the "It's ALL about ME" attitude. She's very self centered and thinks that her problems are far more worse than anyone elses. It's very Aggrivating and I try to sit back and keep my mouth shut, but one of these days I am going to put her in her place. Everybody else is afraid too. I'm not, but I just don't think it's my place to say anything. One day I will voice my opinion and it will hurt, but at least It won't be balled up inside me anymore.
Thanks friends for your support. Seems like just about everyone has one of these self-centered, toxic siblings in their family (either biological or married family). MM
Karma dear MM.... your sister will get hers, if selfishness is at the center of her quest (money most often is).... my brother did similar as my mother lay on her death bed! He got her to sign over her home, everything as she lay dying. During the last hours as we all gathered around her, she yelled, even with tubes every which way, at him...angry at him for whatever he had done...she knew, he knew!! Karma: Her home was worth $400-500,000 at the time of her death.... he "paid off" each of the siblings, just to get everyone off his back... he paid out $90,000~~ the kicker...the home is now worth UNDER $90,000!!!!!!!! So much for greed!!!!!!! My heart goes out to you dear girl... but, you are coming from a loving place and that is always good and always brings good karma~~~
Hello MFG. Sounds like you've lived this scenario. Too bad your mother didn't have her wishes written out before then or he couldn't have duped her into signing over home and assets to him. Of course, I shouldn't say that. My hub 'how to steal your inheritance' details how my sister-in-law pulled off her little coup. But it ain't over till it's over. And we have a trump card we are getting ready to play.
Karma is right. May not be in this life, but I sure hope it is! Thanks for visiting and sharing your own experience. MM
Loved your words, MM. Sadly, I only know of one couple who have ever been victorious in this type of situation. It cost them quite a bit of money but in the end, they did prevail. I wish for you and hubby and mother-in-law, a peaceful and just end to this incredibly stressful and unfair situation.
Very best of luck!
This just breaks my heart reading about the greed of one person and how it impacts so many others. Sadly this affects so many families when it comes to money. Our own family has not escaped some of this and yes, it hurts relationships.
Remember the saying in biblical terms....something to the effect that being rich and getting into heaven is about as easy as a camel going through the eye of a needle? Your sister-in-law is gripping on to that camel! It just may come back to bite her.
Could not believe it could happen to a nice person like you. It is life cannot say anything right now but a passing phase she will get what she has sown thats waht karma is all about. What goes around comes around. Stay strong and count on your blessings dear. Be strong i mean it as unless you are a rock it is gonna be difficult.
hang in there MM - what goes around usually comes around - i have indeed noticed this - play your trump card and I hope you win for your mother-in-law's sake! and for also you and yours ...cheers
and as aside what exactly do the words "Family Trust" mean in this instance? The lawyer is employed on behalf of the FAMILY in a TRUSTED position but then the trust disintergrates followed closely by the family...shouldn't there be a law against this type of abuse by both parties (the sister and the lawyer)?
We need all the moral support -- and competent legal help --we can get. I know. Family trust. Both are disintegrated. We have to believe that right will prevail.
MM, this happens so much its totally unbelievable. We even had a relative go to her brothers funeral then start inventoring his stuff while his wife and family were upstairs grieving! My wife went to her fathers office to throw her aunt out and she was told its her right its her brother! His most prized possession his grandfathers pocketwatch he kept on his desk was never seen again.
I understand your feelings that is some of the worst behavior possible. What a bunch of creepy vultures! Keep your chin up she will eventually get what she deserves. Peace.
Powerful poem. I too think she will get what she deserves, a special hell just for her.
Many hugs and our prayers for you. Peace.
Right now prayers and reminders that "peace" is possible and desirable really help. I have never in my life lived in this much fear combined with outrage. I really try to take life as it comes. This is just so wrong on so many levels. Really hoping the justice system doesn't let us down! Thanks friends for your kind words and good wishes. MM
MM,
I will agree with your statement that "Heaven is a waterscape." I often visit the Blue Water Bridge in Port Huron, MI. I love to watch the water move and change its face. Water, to me, is powerful and peaceful, strong yet calming. The perfect remedy to balance that which is not.
Scott
Hi PS, Water is a soul magnet, isn't it? All I need to do to lower my blood pressure/stress level is go to the beach. Slightly less effective is going to the river. There is nothing more spiritual than seeing sunlike dappling on the surface of water. To me, that means God's smiling!
Here's a picture of my idea of tranquility. Enjoy.
www.city-data.com/picfilesc/picc42765.php
A Prayer for Susan's Family
============================
If life is all about getting money
then you're missing something honey
And all the lifelong bonds of love
by these actions you tend to shove
And there is still some time to retract
before its too late to reach any pact
there can still be a solution if we just talk
before its too late our separate ways we walk
I am still hanging on a very thin rope
out of this mess there is still some hope
We can still come out strong and survive
and your support is all it takes to revive
I simply hope you do not get me wrong
more than our misgivings our love is strong
I see positives even in this present sorrow
Because I am hopeful of a bright tomorrow
My Best Wishes to You and Your Family.
Oh CW, Your poem captured my heart. I am so very grateful for your friendship. And you have such a novel way of expressing it. Thank you, especially for the final stanza and the final two lines: "I see positives even in this present sorrow because I am hopeful of a bright tomorrow."
It's so easy for us to get embroiled in the emotions of today.
Things always happen for a reason.
At the very least (which is actually quite a lot, indeed) this experience has brought my Hubber friends closer to me!
Peace to you, my lovely friend. MM
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. It sickens me that it is based on this horrible reality, but it was incredibly well done. Thank you so much for sharing. It is the personal, heartfelt and often difficult realities of life that I find most compelling.
MM - my heart goes out to you. I have been in this situation and the most hurtful thing is that this person actually calls them self your sister. I don't know how they live with themselves - and all for money! It broke my heart when I went through it and it is still the most painful thing in my life. I'm truly sorry that you had to experience this. The most important thing you can do is to hang onto the truth of what you're going through and what you're feeling. After a while is does ebb, a bit. I think the only thing you can do is learn to live with it, because it sure seems like you never get over it. Hang in there - my thoughts are with you.
Moonchild --I'm totally with you. The difficult realities of life are the most compelling.
Madame X -- Thank you for the reality check. It is totally not the money that matters. It's the losing of the family. What has she really gained?
Oh well, I know my heart and Hubby's heart, as well as our consciences, are clear.
Appreciate your support. And love your new avatar! MM
Two Sisters, very similar situation!
So glad you wrote this hub! Many families seem to be going
down this road, it is very sad.
Hello okmom23, Nice to see you and thanks for the comment. It is shocking to find how many families are going through the same thing. Never thought it would happen in this family. But you know what they say, the only things certain in life are death and taxes. Never say never.
WOW! That was brilliant! To make a poem out of a real life situation is genius. I look forward to what follows. Please consider writing a book. This is the stuff blockbuster movies are made of.
Hello Fastfreta, Unfortunately, this situation is all too real. And it's still going on. I've written another hub about it called, "How to Steal Your Inheritance." Waiting for some kind of legal outcome to write the third/final hub.
Thanks for your kind words. I don't know about blockbuster movies, but certainly can see this as a Lifetime Movie Channel movie! Only on Lifetime usually it's the males who are evil (although not always). Cheers! And here's to FAMILY. MM
OMG - I can't believe all of the people that have responded to your beautiful and honest poem about family betrayal It would seem that many people have suffered from this "flavor of abuse" from a family member. Betrayal cuts so deeply, especially when money is at stake (too many are greedy these days!). Sorry to hear of your suffering, and hope that all who suffer from this human "absurdity" prevail. Keep the faith!
Sending you a Warm Hug... I wish you peace and Happiness in your family Life.
MSPhD - Thank you. The support of my hubber friends is what's keeping me from going over the edge these days.
Lady_E -- Exactly what I need. Bless you! MM
I should have responded earlier. Thanks for appreciating my poem and hope things are improving on the family front. Belated Happy Friendship Day. :D
Oh dear, dear CW. It is always soothing to hear from you. You leave the lovliest of messages! Things are still crazy, but everyone's "lawyer'd up." Sigh.
Happy Friendship Day to you, too! MM
It's unfortunate that you and your husband are having to deal with this, but I'm glad you wrote about it and I'm interested in follow up hubs about it. We have one in our family like this. He has no more control than the rest of us and yet he has tried to sell a home that is being left to the 3 children (he, my oldest brother, & myself are all on the deed) and what is worse, our mother has a life time dowry on it.
Just remember "what goes around, comes around" ... it may not seem like it right now, but karma has a way of settling the score sooner or later.
I wish you and your husband good luck in this, I truly do.
Hello Pink Mingos! Your situation sounds somewhat similar. My sister-in-law has at least inquired with the County about putting HER name on the deed to the family home. Not sure how far she got with that.
It is a truly unfortunate situation. Of all the horrible things I have been through -- and there have been plenty -- this is the worst because it is an INFAMIGLIA (against the family).
The situation is now in the very capable and very expensive hands of lawyers. So ridiculous. There is not a lot of money in this family trust, and it will almost all go to paying attorneys' fees.
There will definitely be a followup hub, believe me. Right now we are in a lull before the big "mediation" on September 2nd.
Thanks especially for the karma reminder. There is at least 3 years of negative karma in here -- abuse of the parents and their money. I really don't want to be "right" I just want this to end so the family can heal and move on and my poor husband and his mother can live in peace.
My other hub "How to Steal Your Inheritance" is also based on this situation. Not sure yet if the 3rd one will be a poem or not. Gotta wait and see how it plays out! MM
MM -- so FAMILY-IAR. You seem to have this well in hand. SpouseMonkee had similar thing happen. Hope your Knight (lawyer) is well armed and competent to do battle with this EvilDragonSister.
MoneyMonkee say take a lesson for yourself from this situation. Think about how to avoid this battle among your kids -- come up with a plan NOW.
MoneyMonkee believe best plan is to spend it all -- give it away, reverse mortgage the house and travel (or whatever peels your banana) -- leave nothing.
That MoneyMonkee thinking! Have fun in the jungle!
LOL MoneyMonkee! Sounds like you have been through these dramas also. I like your plan. You should write a hub about it -- link to mine if you like! You're a friggin financial genius! And a swinger, too! MM
I read this poem, and never thought I would say this, but it could have been written by me. In my case, my father's been gone 19 years, and my sister who has never been nice to our mother, seems to be nosy and mean to mom. My sister even went through our mother's jewelry box! There's more, but you get the idea.
Oh Chicky,
I keep hearing that our situation is not that unique at all. I hope my poem can serve as a cautionary tale in your family. Some children simply do not appreciate their parents. Some people feel "entitled" to whatever their parents have. I don't understand it.
Most important, I sincerely hope you are spared the horrible heartache and expense we have gone through with this financial coup.
Good luck to you! MM
MM - thanks for your kind words. The really bad part is, we lost two siblings (it will be 6 years ago this year) to cancer. We lost them both about 4 1/2 months apart. We also have one brother, but he lives out of state, and does not want to be involved at all.
Why is it that these things seem to happen in waves?
Well, I hope you are able to protect your mom from the meddlesome ways of your sister.
We are still working on that one -- we refuse to give in!
MM
P.S. Very, very sorry about your siblings. That has got to be tough on your mom.
I loved the poem. It is hard to hear that people treat their Mother the person who gave life to them can treat the parents life so badly when they should be doing all they can to help. She WILL get what is coming to her.
Thank you Granny's House. Since I wrote this the sister has really become estranged from her Mom. She called on Valentine's Day and wanted to bring her Mom a valentine, of all things. Her Mom told her "I don't want a valentine from you!" For me, no amount of money could make up for being banned from my parents' lives. But then, I'm not her (thank GOD!) Thanks for reading and commenting! MM
Sorry to say, but things have gotten worse. In fact, last weekend my sister came to MY house and accused ME of all the things that she is doing. I kept my cool, which really drove her nuts. After she was done screaming, she stormed out of my house. I plan to send her an email (which I have re-written 10 times) that says she cannot abuse me or our Mom anymore, to not contact me until she gets professional help and starts treating Mom with respect. I think this is only going to go downhill from here. :(
Oh dear, chicky. That sounds awful -- but also very familiar. I commend you for keeping your cool. No good can come of indulging in a screaming match with a lunatic.
Don't hold your breath, tho, waiting for her to "get professional help" as clearly she believes she is not the one with the problem.
A restraining order might clue her in that you are dead serious!
GOOD LUCK to you and to your Mom (who must be sooo upset by all this crapola). Take care and God bless, MM
MM. Mom still has all her "faculties", and is happily living in a senior apartment and loves it! Mom is upset that my sister and I are at odds, and that she is also getting the brunt of my sister's abusive words and actions. However, unlike me, Mom is willing to still talk to her and ler her come over. I have still not sent the email to my sister, but the subject will be "I am done".
That sounds familiar, too. My mother-in-law started out wanting it all to just "go away" and didn't want her children fighting. It took a long time for her to realize the magnitude of what her daughter had done and to realize how lucky she was and is to have my husband on her side.
It has been hard to listen to her EVER say anything nice about her daughter. We kept going, "But don't you realize what she's DONE to you?"
Believe it or not, over time, she has changed her opinion. She has kept her daughter at bay and when she absolutely HAS to see her she complains about it. I guess she finally got the message.
I know it must be really hard on you to know your mother is not only being abused by your sister, but is allowing it to happen. That sucks.
But good for you for standing up for YOURSELF.
I only mention this because I hope you will have peace surrounding your decision and will still be able to support your Mom without getting dragged into the drama.
Good luck.
And once again, GOD BLESS. MM
Thanks MM. It helps to know that aomeone supports me. My sister called my house and left me a message. She was "crying" while she was speaking, and said that she is "sorry" for getting angry with me. Oh, and she "can't take this anymore" and "I really want you to call me back, but I'll understand if you don't" (I did not call her back). Hmmm. I think she realizes that I have control of mom's estate, medical, and legal issues if anything happens to mom. I erased the message, and now plan to re-word the email that I still have not sent yet. Seems I've re-written this email 20 times.
sorry for the typo.
I really appreciate your support and understanding.
Mighty Mom's advice: Sit tight. Your sister has made the first move. Don't go to her. Let her sit for awhile in her immaturity.
Let the dust settle on your last interaction.
If you still feel like you want to send the email in 7 days, run it by someone you trust before you send it.
Meanwhile, don't communicate with your sister at all.
BTW, from your description, I have to wonder. Does your sister have a substance (esp.alcohol) abuse problem?
I am so sorry about your situation. My grandparents gave power of attorney to my uncle with the evil wife. In less than two years they where both dead. Both put into a nursing home less than 3 months of giving the POA. However, in those three months...they stole their checks and rationed what was left for scraps not food. When my grandparents where put into the nursing home...my uncle and his evil wife had rennovations done to their home and bought a new car. So, I can tell you from experience...I know the frustration you are feeling. I don't see how someone could do their parents that way.
Thanks Sweet Mocha-Monroe,
Those of us who cannot conceive such a thing are left scratching our heads by those evil family members who think nothing of stealing money from their parents. It's sick. But I know OUR consciences are clear!
Thanks MM for the advice. Yes, I have sat on the email. I have now made it short and "sweet". Still have not sent it yet, but the gist is that I am done. That I will not take her abusive behavior towards me. That if Mom still wants to talk/see her, there is nothing I can do. I can only make my own decisions. If she continues to accuse me, and launch harsh words at me, I have no room for her in my life. I do however still have to talk to her, as I do not want her to try to bully mom for more money, or talk mom into changing her will.
My sister does not do drugs. She does drink alcohol, and sometimes to excess, but I really cannot say if it's a problem for her or not.
My mom wants me to "let it go", she does not want to "go to her grave knowing her daughters are not getting along". Mom sure can lay the guilt on me.
I told mom that there is more to this than even she knows.
I really hate this stuff!
Hi Chicky. I've been away camping for two days with no access to the Internet.
I reread your last entry twice.
So here's what I hear you saying in the above. You have edited your emailbut the gist is the same. It tells your sister you are done and won't tolerate her abuse anymore.But then you say you can't NOT talk to her because you still want to control her relationship with your mom. So if you send the email and truly cut the communication cord with her, how are you going to have any influence on her bullying your mom or getting your mom to change her will?
It would seem to me (now that I think about this more) that sending such an email will just enrage her further and justify (in her mind) her opinion and actions toward you.
As to your mom's reaction -- that sounds frighteningly familiar to me. I LIVED that exact scenario with my husband and his sister and their mother. The mom only wanted her children to get along. But any observer could tell you that by the time the situation got high priced lawyers involved, "getting along" was NOT going to happen.
My mother-in-law has FINALLY come to grips with the truth. But it's too late. She signed a mediation agreement that gives her daughter 50% of whatever money is left when she dies (my hubby gets the other half). My mother-in-law did and does want to disinherit her daughter, but can't. It totally sucks.
Of course I don't know your relationship with your mother but she does seem to be operating with blinders on. One thing that is very difficult for any parent is taking sides with one of their own children against another one. But having said that, perhaps you could be honest with your mom and tell her the whole story. That should make it clear why you cannot just "let it go."
If your mom is of sound mind and she does choose to change her will, that is her prerogative. It is her money. Alas.
Good luck! I hope it all works out for you. Or at least gets better! MM
MM - as usual you are giving good advice. I have not sent the email. Now that I read what you said, I probably won't send it. I want my sister to understand how her actions affected me. She called my house and left me a voice mail. I deleted it without listening to it. Yesterday her husband left me a voice mail. I deleted that one as soon as I heard it was him (he did not call from their house so I did recognize the phone number).
I think I will have to make some kind of peace with my sister, but it will never, ever, be the same for me.
Mom is of sound mind, but she hates conflict. She also has a hard time believing one of her children behaves with such ulterior motives.
I have a very close relationship with my mom. I have taken her on trips, we talk a lot, and do other things.
My fear though, is that if I let my sister back into my life, all she will want is to badger me about mom's financial status.
Can I amke it conditional? I will "tolerate" her as long as we never talk about mom? :)
Have to get to work.
One more quick thing. I have asked mom several times to stay out of this situation between me and my sister. The less she is part of it, the better. But of course, mom will not stay out if it, so I tell her as little as possible, and only when she asks me a specific question.
I know my sister is telling her stuff, because mom asked me "did your sister call you, she said she was going to."
groan! Just cannot win.
SweetMocha - I am so sorry. How awful that so many people are going through similar situations. It amazes me that there are so many greedy people, and those people are "family".
Hi Chicky,
You should open a Hub Pages account and write about all this stuff! You have a great story and obviously (from the responses to mine) we are not alone in this.
It sounds like the balance of power has shifted! You are now in control. You're not responding to your sister or her husband. They'll get the message.
Can you make having her back in your life conditional on not talking about Mom? Ha ha. Do YOU think that's possible??? Seems to me that that is the ONLY thing she wants to talk about!
Keep us posted on the Cold War:-)
Excellent poem!!! Love it!! I am going through the same thing. My sister who lives with my mother is stealing her money (money that might of been for me someday). She stole all of my fathers savings when he got sick. Helped herself to his money. Even admitted to it. Most of it was spent on the lottery. Dad died a few yrs ago. She talked my mom into taking a reverse mortgage. Said she couldn't pay the bills. They had no mortgage, they were deferring the water bill and taxes. She couldn't pay the bills because she has a gambling problem. My mother took the reverse mortgage. $242,000.00 a little over a yr ago. I believe 2/3 is gone already. My mom never understood the reverse mortgage. Always said and still says she has no money. Meanwhile my sister has her identity. Calls the bank and believes she is my mother. Has my mothers atm card on her all the time. Writes checks and signs my mothers name. My late father worked hard all of his life. Two jobs most of his life to pay for the house my sister took. I know my father would of wanted all of his kids to get something someday. I wouldn't mind if the money was being spent on my mom. But I know my sister is plowing through most of it for herself. I have nothing. Husband is laid off. I get real mad thinking of what might of been mine someday. Now thanks to her I will never have anything. I really hate my sister. She collects an SSI check and food stamps. Lives for nothing and takes what ever money she wants. I no longer talk to her or my mother. I sent my sister a nasty email telling her what I think of her. I tried telling my mother what was going on but she insists she has no money. She is 77 yrs old. Has no clue. When the dust settles someday I want to take my sister to court. They can look at the bank statements and see how much money she stole from my mother and her siblings. I wish something could be done now. So frustrating just thinking of her. I guess I am not alone. Looks like this goes on in other families as well. What a shame.
Hi sisterhater. Well, your name says it all! Your situation is not that unusual, unfortunately (if you read the many comments from others like us).
I don't know where you live, but I imagine you could have your sister investigated for elder abuse. Sounds like a clearcut case to me.
Does your mom have all her mental faculties? Should she be declared incompetent and a power of attorney appointed (that is NOT your sister)?
Do you have documentation of how your sister has squandered the reverse mortgage money on gambling?
Or... as is probbly the wisest choice (because trust me,you DON'T want to get lawyers involved unless you absolutely have to!) is to let go and let God.
ANother option (if your mom is NOT incompetent) is to have a family trust drawn up with a third party responsible for paying her bills. Take the control LEGALLY out of your sister's greedy hands.
Meanwhile, I feel for you.
Nothing tears a family apart faster than a sibling who believes the parents' money is theirs and theirs alone!
MM - your poem speaks to me as well. I have a sister I now call "the spider" and another sister that enables her. We all made allowances out of respect of my mother. I couldn't do it anymore and somehow I've become the "bad guy". I've taken a break from both of them now and have no idea if/when we will even speak again. Love the lies lies lies video that went along with your poem and explanation.
Oh my, oh my.
JBeadle, I am sorry to see you here, reporting yet another situation with siblings-gone-bad.
I see in your story such a parallel -- the primary evil sister gets her power from an enabler. We definitely have that too.
And, like you, "we" are painted as the "bad guys."
What makes this all the more upsetting to me is that this is my Hubby's sister, not mine. But that doesn't matter. I'm as caught in the spider's web as he is.
I guess we can take heart knowing we are NOT really the bad guys. And hopefully the truth will eventually come out. But I'm not holding my breath for that....
I wish you love and light as you stay out of the dark place created by your sisters. MM
Mighty Mom. Hi. I read your poem with tears running down my face, It was so very sad and it also made me mad to think this excuse for a human being is trying to or already has ripped off their parents and family for money.
They say what goes around comes around, but in your case it has not come around quick enough.
I have been in a similar situation and it is heart breaking , where to go and what to do next.
I hope you are hanging in there and that you get the upper hand in the long run. These greedy,money grabbing family members have to learn their lesson in the end hopefully. Not always so, but you can only hope.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I do hope things have improved in your favor. :) :)
I'm very sorry to hear you've been through anything remotely similar, oliversmum. But I do thank you for visiting. "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord." I've gotta put it in His hands, as there is no justice in this situation, unfortunately.
It really is heartbreaking -- it's a betrayal in the worst sense. Some days I think it's best not to think about it....
Thank-you for sharing your poem. I too am in the same situation. My sister lied and has stolen from mom. I wont go into all she has done..She is not my sister anymore and my 4 other siblings agree she is not theirs either. She is going to have a very lonely life..
Hello SUNRISETX40. Thank you for sharing your story. It never ceases to amaze me how many of "us" there really are. If there is any silver lining in your situation, it is that you have 4 other siblings who are on the same side as you.
In our situation, there were only 2 siblings left (the third died in 2000). So the lying, cheating, stealing sister has polarized the family.
Oh well. As my Hubby says, she will have a big old piece of karma fall on her head!
Well, here is my update. My sister showed up at my house one day just crying and telling me the "situation" is eating her up (what is really eating her up is that I am the one in control when something happens to mom). So here is what she proposed "let's just not talk about it and move on". Then of course she had me call our mom, because she had mom in on this and mom "needed to know right away that we are not fighting anymore". whatever. so I said what I had to, but later on I told mom not to trust her. I know I never will.
Hi chicky! Thanks for the update. Man, can I see the misguided hopes of your Mom at work in that little scenario. Why are our parents so dense when it comes to seeing the truth? Knowing what they must know about the siblings, why aren't they more mistrustful? I guess I can answer my own question. Because it is incomprehensible to them to accept they've been betrayed by their own child.
Oh, and the showing up with the water works and the "this is eating me up..."proposal, yep. Sounds oh, so familiar to me, too.
Well, I guess the upside is that your mom feels like her girls aren't fighting.Let her believe that. She's either going to figure it out about your sis -- or she's not.
As for you -- DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN! Good luck!! Keep me posted if anything changes, ok? Thx, MM
I so understand this! Going through an identical scenario right now. And so it goes. Be strong...and at peace.
Hwllo Bodijo! I would really like to read how you, with your metaphysical outlook, are handling it. It's been just over a year now for us. Strength got us through.
We are mostly at peace now that "she" is out of any position of control of the trust. But the betrayal still stings. It's taken a huge toll on my mother-in-law.
Anyway, thanks for visiting my hub! Glad to see you getting active so quickly! MM
Hang in there MM. Hopefully things will get better down the line. I know others who have been dealing with the same thing.
Thank you, wjames.
Things are already better with her out of our sight and daily lives. But the memory of what she did, and how she has lied about her brother (and me) to cover for herself -- still lingers.
Gotta let it go.
Or, perhaps you (your avatar) can bite her for us:-)?
Thank yo for visiting and commenting. MM
My guard is up - still. And it is staying up. My sister has now started to make my mom feel guilty for not making her (the older of us) in charge of mom's affairs.
Hi chicky.
Tell your mom the smartest thing she can do is appoint someone other than her children to be in charge of her affairs. It is a no-win situation for her and you and basically your mom.
You can't "guilt" someone into giving you control of their life/money.
It's not a question of who is the oldest anyway.
But the SAFE solution is take it out of any of the kids' hands.
Trust me. Lived this one!!!
Good luck!!!
Thanks for the advice MM, so I tried talking to Mom about that. The response was "Well, you if don't WANT to do it, then I will just change it to be your sister." groan!!!
MM, Curious how the competent test came out. I too have an evil sister and two supportive sisters. The social worker who has gotten involved recommended getting dad (97)retested by a neutral tester. My sister had him tested and through discussion had him declare dad incompetent. I pray for you and your family, also anyone else dealing with this problem. Please in return pray for our sweet and loving father. Thanks for a poem that says it all.
Hi sisterstress. It never, ever ceases to amaze me that this problem is so common!
I have to assume that at 97 the chances of your sweet, loving father passing the competency test.
Originally there WAS no competency test done. It was scammed into being by my sister-in-law who was having my father-in-law declared incompetent (he was, due to Alzheimers). She tricked my husband into having the doctor sign a form for both parents. He was sick when he found out what he'd been party to.
When we figured it out, we did have my MIL retested. Her doctor did the test -- she BARELY passed. Her lawyer also administered the test and she passed.
But one of the main reasons we decided not to fight to the bitter end in court was we knew that eventually (and probably sooner rather than later) my sister-in-law would bring in a "neutral tester" and get her re-declared incompetent.
It's all so dirty and underhanded.
I am putting your family in my prayers. MM
Money really is the root of all evil! This happens so much nowadays!
another Mother's Day approaches and I dread it. The "fake" caring from my sister towards our Mom is sickening.
I soooo hear ya, chicky. Mothers Day has always been a tough one due to conflicting priorities. Am I supposed to be a daughter (even thought I'm the daughter-IN-LAW) to my MIL? Or do I actually get a day for me and my son? Never been too clear.
I wish I could advise you. I would suggest "giving" the day to your sister to be with your Mom and you do something on a different day. That way your Mom gets twice the attention but the day isn't a complete fake for you. On the other hand, often all parents want is for their children to be around them and to get along.
You being the bigger person can do that.
Bite your tongue, sit on your hands, and know that you are NOT alone!
Good luck. And oh yes, Happy Mothers' Day to us all:-)! MM
thanks for the kind words. Turns out I am "hosting" Mother's Day at my house. I am doing all the cleaning, cooking, etc. Oh, and picking up/taking my mom home again (she will not drive out to where I live - country roads and she lives in the city). My sister and all her family will be coming. My kids? Not coming. My son lives too far away and my daughter just does not want all the drama and stress, so she wants to spend an enjoyable day with her kids/husband. I do not hold that against her at all! So ... ought to be a great weekend. lol
Sounds really bad, I'd hate it if one of my siblings did this to our parents. What a terrible heart break, stay strong though I know God is on your side with this. My Mother works with the dying elderly here and I did too, I just can't imagine living with yourself doing this to somebody. Thanks for sharing, even though I'm sure it's still kind of hard.
well a strange turn. my sister now wants to schedule some vacation time with just me and her, for a "sisters" long weekend. hmm... I am suspicious!
Heck, chicky. I am suspicious, too.
What are you going to do?
My thoughts: Go and keep copious notes. Listen hard.
Don't give up ANYTHING! But it could be a good learning experience. SHe's bound to either state outright or let slip her agenda. What fun!!!
MM - I have no idea what to do. If I say "no", then she will become even more conniving and probably run to Mom, saying that I am the one who is ruining the family. If I say "yes", I will be trapped in her company for days. UGH! I like the idea of keeping notes! Never thought of that. :)
Hey Chicky,
Yeah, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't on this one. I think you gotta go or else Mom will get an earful about how awful you are!
But if you do go, you will know your "enemy" better.
I would even suggest taping conversations. I say this because these sneaky sister types have a way of saying things when no one is around and there are no witnesses and so they can deny it later on. It's your word against hers.
But if you have her on tape... well, that's pretty hard to refute.
Do you have a spy store near where you live?
Tee hee.
Oh, and in terms of being trapped in her company for days (ugh is right!) can you set a limit and say you'd love to go for a quick weekend but don't have a whole lot of time so maybe 1 night (?) something like that???
IDK. It sounds a little fishy to me. I bet to you, too!
GOOD LUCK. Solidarity. Strength.
Right beats might. Just remember that!!
extremely cute Hub Mighty Mom...really loved going through it...great job.
Thank you, Freegoldman. If I've managed to convey a gut-wrenching family betrayal in a way that doesn't plunge the reader into despair or homicidal rage, then I guess I've done a good job!
Appreciate your comment. MM
That's a great dramatic poem with many meaning
Im sorry you had to go through that. I know exactly how you feel. I too have had a similiar situation with my sibling. It is very sad that they could do that to their parent and to their siblings. Greed takes on a whole new life and changes people. I have lost all trust in my sister after what she had done. When I read your poem it hit home. Thanks for posting it. It gave me some sort of peace to know that I am not the only one going through this and this type of thing happens all the time. I just keep telling myself that I took the high road and that in the end she will have to answer to her maker and in the meantime she lost me as a sister.
So sorry to hear you also had this situation, oldersister. Once I started writing about our experience I've gotten a lot of feedback from all kinds of people who've been through similar hell with their families. It's just such a betrayal.
Like you, we took the high road. We know we are right with God in what we've done and how we've conducted ourselves. But it's still a huge loss. Not her -- we're actually happy to have her out of our lives. But the money can never be retrieved and now it's hurting my mother-in-law. So we're reliving it all over again.
Anyway, glad to hear from another "good sibling."
We should start a support group! Cheers, MM
Hi, I was betrayed by sister too. It is already 3 years since we found she stole many things from the house. She convince parents i am insane and they believe her. Now I am happy she is not in my life. She was like a poison, ruined the joy of the life.Now i feel relieve she is out of my family life. Thanks got i found she steals.Since things started to disappears=from home i wss so suspicios and finaly cought her.
Hi Ziti,
So sorry to hear about your situation. It's more than just the things she stole, it's the betrayal and the fact that she got your parents to believe her not you.
I have to believe that one day the truth will come out...
Good luck to you. And thanks for visiting and sharing your story. MM
wash your hands of the money. she wont be happy with it if it comes from a bad place.
Good call, the pink umbrella. We have washed our hands of the money. But the evil effects of her greed are still coloring our lives. Still, as hard as it has been for us, at least we know our conscience is clean!
Thanks so much for the wise advice. MM
Been there and done that Mighty Mom. No More Drama for me! I hope the same for you :)
Oh noooo! Not you, too!
Nope. We're still in the thick of it.
Out of the frying pan (evil, greedy sister) into the fire (evil, greedy, duplicitous "professional" fiduciary).
Sorry to hear that about your family.
Glad you're out of the drama.
Gives me HOPE.
MM
Don't let them defeat you .... you are the better person :)
Oh, we know that. Nothing to hide on our side.
But you know all those sayings about rewards in heaven, etc.
We're not holding our breath here.
But thanks!
MM
well, the "sisters" away time is almost here. 5 days in vegas. actually, what happened is, I have a work conference there, and my sister decided to come with. the good news is, I get this "get away" thing done and I am in meetings most of the day until 6 or 7 pm. I will keep you posted on what her agenda really is - I know it's not to spend time with me. She wants something, I just do not know what. wish me luck. we leave in two weeks.
Hi chicky,
I have to chuckle at the venue. Vegas! If ever there was a place to roll the dice on anything and lose money...
Hopefully you will play your cards with sis close to the vest and keep your wits about you.
In this case, what happens in Vegas will be shared with the Hub Pages world.
Good luck to you, chicky.
Hold strong!!
MM
I had never looked at it that way, MM. LOL! but you are right - what a perfect place for rolling the dice. I think I am going to try to find a small recording device - just in case. What do you think?
i think that is a very smart idea. if your sister is anything like my SIL, she only says things in private that cannot be corroborated by anyone but you. Then when confronted with them she denies them.
I would also, if she wants to "talk to you" take out a notepad and paper and write down her comments (all the while also recording them):-).
You can't be too overprepared when someone is so underhanded!!!
BTW, let US (Hubbers) know when you are going and when to expect you back. Weird shit happens in Vegas so if we need to send a posse of our meanest, most ornery hubsters out there... we'll know where to find HER.
Ha ha.!
OMG MM you are so right how they say things in private and then deny it.
Hello oldersister.
You give me such a scare -- I keep expecting "our" oldersister to come on here and threaten me with a liable or slander suit or something.
Glad you are not "her" but sorry you know what I'm talking about.
My husband calls it living in the shadows.
In our case, "I don't remember that" and "That's now how I see it" and "I never said that" are commonplace.
Not sure what part of that is selective recall of a boozer (I often wonder how she convinces herself of thse inaccuracies but she does) and part is just her being a controlling byatch. Like the distinction matters:-).
I like chicky's idea of getting a tape recorder.
LOL I am sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I don't think it is slander when you are not using her name or yours.
In my situation my sister took everything out of my moms house that she could. The jewlery that was suppossed to to be split between us and the grandkids she took and replaced it with her own junk jewlery and stuff she no longer wanted, One of the items she replaced it with was a bracelet I gave her for being my maid of honor. Did she think I would have forgotten that I gave it to her. When I confronted her she told me that my family didn't deserve anything. The house was sold and split according to the will but the personal items, the ones with sentimental value she refused to give us. I have not spoken to her and to see her at family functions make me sick to my stomach. I will not talk to her anymore. I don't trust her and everything out of her mouth is a lie.
After reading your poem, I wrote my own and posted it on here. It kind of helps to ease the pain by talking on this blog. People that have not gone through this can't understand how you can not talk to your sister anymore, but it is your sister they tell me. She is a stranger to me. Never would I have thought my sister would betray me and steal from me and my girls like that. How do I know she won't start stealing my things when she comes to my house? Maybe my check book or credit card. She is poison. Check out my poem on her it is called Betrayed by my sister
"we" leave this Sat, then return the following thu. I will post when I am home, safe(?). lol
LOL, chicky. You are reminding me of friends going on dates with guys they met online. Always smart to let people know where you are going to be and when to expect you home. That way, in case anything happens we'll know who to point the gun (oops, I mean finger) at.
We will look forward to your full report, chicky.
I think you should write a hub about it!
GOOD LUCK. Stay calm and don't even react to anything she asks or says. Just take it all in.
Or, as my lawyer is fond of doing, give her enough rope...
MM
I'm back. It was not "bad", but now I am even more worried. She was way too nice, but I also noticed she paid way too much attention to my wording and syntax when we talked about certain things. I did not get a tape recorder, but she'd still deny she said stuff even if it's her voice on tape. Now, I just wait for the shoe to drop - likely around the holidays when she will twist my words and tell our mother something I did not really say.
Hey chicky! I want you to know I have been thinking about you and wondering/worrying about your Las Vegas visit. Was briefly concerned that your sister had done away with you and dumped your body in the desert. Glad to see that is not the case.
I wish I could be amused by what you wrote above. You say your sister would deny saying what she said even if it was her voice on the tape. Yet now you expect her to be quoting you based on your conversations. And what is to prevent you from denying YOU ever said what she tells your mother you said (based on her own agenda)?
I am sending you vibes of strength and perseverance.
The sister in my poem is backed into a corner now with nowhere to hide. May a similar fate befall your evil lying sister, too. Oh yes, and Happy Thanksgiving:-)! MM
Chicky,
Bottom line is that you know that you have not done anything wrong. People like that will eventually be found out, They lie so much that after a while they can not keep up with the lies and they get caught lying and now one will trust them any more. I am sure Mom knows that your sister lies, she may not admit it but deep down she knows. Hang in there. My sister too is a liar and she twist things as well. My Aunts are starting to catch her in her lies. She tells one aunt something and the other Aunt something different. She hates to talk on the phone she would rather text so that she can think about what she wants to say and it makes it harder for people to ask her direct questions. Any time she is asked a question she quickly directs the attention off of herself and changes it to someone or something else. People like them are devious and up to no good. Stand your ground and stay honest to yourself. The truth always comes out.
Thanks for all the support. Not that I would wish this on ANYONE, but it helps to know others are dealing with something similar. The shoe is starting to drop ... my sister informed me that she could potentially lose her house and her/husband will likely have to file bankruptcy. HINT HINT. If she thinks I am not going to warn our Mom, she is crazy. I want Mom to be ready for anything - including my sister asking her for lots of money, which Mom does not have. UGH!
Hi Chicky! Pretty cool that others are jumping in with advice, isn't it!???
It's been AMAZING how many people have dealt with evil, greedy siblings.
Can I say something here? It's not really your place to warn your mom of your sister's financial woes. That is HER BUSINESS. In these times MANY people lose their homes and file for bankruptcy. It's scary and it sucks, but it's a lot more common now than it used to be.
Your mom may choose to give or "lend" your sister money if she wishes. Parents have soft spots when it comes to not seeing their children suffer.
So be prepared.
But just be careful. If you warn your mom it could wayyy backfire on you from both your sister AND your mom.
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.
Just my two cents from the very lonely high road. MM
MM - again you provided me with some sage advice to cool me down a bit. It's not the economy, but my bro-in-law's lack of working for 4 years, without trying. He's on "disability", and my sister has, for 4 years, said to him that they cannot make it on one income. Then the economy tanked, and he had more reasons not to look for a job. But, you are right - this is all their business, and I wish my sister had not told me. I don't want to know about their finances. Ok, I will not say anything to my Mom. You make some valid points. To all - have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Right back atcha, Chicky.
Chances are very good that your mother is well aware of her son-in-law's deficiencies. Probably your sister confides in your mother.
Giving your sister and brother-in-law any money at all -- whether in the form of a gift or a loan -- is not going to help them. In fact, it will simply forestall the inevitable. It will, in recovery terms, "enable" your brother-in-law further to sit on his butt and not work. Because the pressure will be off.
The big problem here is between your sister and her husband. Trust me. I TOTALLY understand this scenario and I feel for your sister (don't worry -- I am NOT switching allegiance from you, my friend). Just sharing some hard-earned/hard-learned after-the-fact wisdom.
The harsh reality is that the economy has really f-d a lot of people over in unimaginable ways. We are forced to confront our way of life and adjust downward. It totally sucks.
Could your brother-in-law maybe get a govt grant and go back to school and retrain in something different?
How about online income? Maybe you should turn him onto Hub Pages and he can write here and make some cash.
I am serious, btw. No reason NOT to tap into the wonderful world of online marketing!
Good luck to ALL OF YOU.
Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy your family time:-). MM
I'm so trying to figure out how the evil sister in this poem is also my sister, despite the fact that I don't know you! It is sad how many evil siblings there are. My friends and I once sat around a table, there were 8 of us, and we all but one discovered we each had an evil sibling. The one who didn't have one was worried because we pointed out that if everyone had one and you don't think you do, maybe you're it. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that Karma is an even bigger bitch than my sister. Great hub, thanks.
MM - I am sure my Mom knows about all the shortcomings of my bro-in-law! lol. Last night I get home late from work and there is a message for me to call my bro-in-law, but not to call on the house phone, call his cell. I have not called. :)
greatparenting-it is sad we are all in this boat. Not sure it was a good idea to tell your friend that the evil one would be him/her.
On to better things - a joyous holiday season!
greatparenting -- That is a GREAT story! I myself do not have an evil sibling (this poem is about my hubby's sister who is evil enough for 10 families). Does that make me "it" by default? Oh noooooo. I'm a hypocrite! Tee hee.
Chicky -- Ah ha. The plot thickens. Sounds like things are coming to a head in your family. I do hope that your sister and your brother-in-law straighten out their 'stuff' and that you get to see that in your lifetime. More important, that you MOM gets to see it in hers!
Cheers, sistah, MM
Hello Mighty Mom ~ Reading this saga, now two years old, I'm concerned that you are okay? After reading your totally honest opinions on the forums and somewhere else (I forget where) I found you here. It's taken ages to read from top to bottom the course of events. You could easily turn this into a best seller, including the poem. No doubt, the tense sibling relationships have hit some nerves in most families with similar scenarios. Your fellow Hubbers stand behind you and we feel your pain. I'm hoping for a positive outcome to your story. Health and blessings, Debby
What amazes me is that you are raised and brought up with the same values and the same parents yet siblings can be so different. Why is that?
Thank you so much, Debby. There's no words to explain what it feels like to have war declared on you by a member of your own family. It's bee quite a learning experience.
It is still going on (see my hub on fiduciaries -- the most current). I will write about the legal journey we are currently on.
One of the most disturbing things has been finding out how common this is. Who would have ever known that the black sheep in families are actually plotting and scheming behind their unsuspecting siblings' backs?
But the flip side is the incredible support I've felt and felt I was able to give to others in similar situations. HubPages blows me away.
Oldersister -- The answer to that is very, very simple. The sibling in questions is a raging untreated alcoholic. That's a subject I know quite a bit about. And it doesn't excuse anyone's behavior, but helps explain otherwise incomprehensible acts. Her mind is twisted and warped from years of anger and rage fueled by alcohol, which her body and brain cannot process (but she refuses to keep trying -- just like any alcoholic who is not allowed to suffer the consequences of his/her drinking). Sad. Criminal. Heinous. Take your pick. They all fit...
I never understood the person who steals, lies, uses, and abuses their parents as they increase in age. Aren't there enough people in the world to take advantage of the aged? I am so sorry to see that you have to battle this.
Dear MM ~ If I have the energy and time I may write a new hub on this topic of siblings, jealousy, deceit, stealing, lies. This heavy duty subject steals our energy and resources too. Living on the lighter side, like when you go off camping, heals our souls and hearts more than we know. Blessings, Debby
Moms-Secret, you're absolutely right. There are tons of people out there who can and will gladly abuse the elderly.the fact that their own children are at the front of the line is scary. It tells me we have broken down somewhere in our morals. This seems incredibly widespread.
Debby Bruck -- I would love to read your hub on this subject as you always have such a wise perspective.
Good reminder about living in the light. This evil darkness saps our souls. But we DO have the antidote.
Blessings back, MM
And so the drama continues .... my sister and bro-in-law are close to bankruptcy and want us all to know it (I guess because we should feel guilted into helping them out financially). I have no interest in their problems, but I do know I have to protect my mom from them. not just my sister anymore, but her husband too. UGH.
Hi chicky,
Well, you called this, didn't you? You saw it coming.
The thing is, bankruptcy could be the best thing for them. Force them to reevaluate things in their own lives and give them a fresh start to rebuild.
I am not inside your situation but from what I know, even if your mom had unlimited money (which I'm certain she does not) and wanted to "save" her daughter and her husband from financial ruin, continuing to toss money at this couple is not really helping them. It's pouring gasoline on a fire. They will just keep asking for and taking more $ and not "getting the lesson" that their own habits should be teaching them.
The best thing your mom can do is support them in declaring bankruptcy. NOT enabling them with funneling her own money into their money pit.
That's how I see it, anyway.
Sorry this is heating up in your life, chicky.
Do whatever you can/have to to protect your mom.
Desperation does weird, weird things to families.
Thanks for sharing!
MM
thanks, MM. And thank you for your feedback and being a sounding board all year. I wish you and your family a blessed Christmas. Here's hoping we can all get through the holidays "unscathed".
Hi chicky,
Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. We had a crazy day before Xmas Eve here. My sister-in-law laid down an ultimatum which my Hubby stood up to her on. Then she put her husband on the phone. Hubby went to 10 and said things he should not have. But did call back 2 minutes later and apologized. Well, the next thing we know the husband is threatening to come down the hill and beat my husband up! All because his beeyatch wife decides -- after not seeing or calling her mother for 3 months -- the she is coming down tomorrow at 2pm. And ordered my husband to make sure my mother-in-law is home then because that is when they are coming. Never mind that we have plans. We are to change our plans because this is what she is doing.
We are so sick of her thinking she can just swoop in when it's convenient for her. She even had the nerve to say we had to change our plans!!
What a crazy way to start the holiday. With a police report. Of course he was so drunk he probably couldn't even find his pants, let alone drive all the way down here (if he did he probably would have copped a DUI, that would be just desserts, I'd say!).
Anyway, the insanity continues.
I hope things get better on your end!
Have a happy holiday.
MM
MM - so sorry she is at it again! How awful to do it anytime, much less at the holidays! My sis is also at it. This time it's all about losing her house... and if she thinks I or our mother is going to help, she is out of her mind. But I wait ... I know the "big" fight will start up again.
My sister and her husband went to a lawyer to find out what "they" can do to get themselves out of the mess they are in financially. My sister told me that they need help from me AND our mother, in order to stop from drowning. When I asked her what the lawyer said, she would only say "not what we wanted to hear". What does that mean??? I am in no position to help, and neither is our mother. They over spent, are supporting adult children (one is 29 the other 22), and I told her it's time they sell the house, move to something smaller, and have the "boys" move out on their own! She replied that if they had to move, they would ALL move together. I give up.
oh chicky, my friend in family crisis. I always wonder when I am going to run into you again. Unfortunately, I always know when I see you you are going to have an update (or I am) and that is NEVER good.
Since she has a lawyer involved, any solution to their debt problems can and should be written into a legal document. We are talking about 4 adults here, not just a couple. They need to make a cost reduction plan.
They are not the first American family to have this happen. Many have gone before them and lived to tell about it. How about declaring bankruptcy???
But if either you or mom DO help out, make sure your contributions are noted IN WRITING in a contract written by the lawyer. Not loosey goosey that they will turn around and claim you never said they had to pay it back.
Honestly, from the situation you describe, it sounds like your sister doesn't want to help herself. She wants to be bailed out of her bad habits.
I'd probably say, "Well, do what your lawyer told you. He's the expert."
Throwing even a few thousand dollars at them with no PLAN on the other side of how that is going to be applied to reducing their debt vs. just continue them in their bad habits.
I hope they also ALL get financial counseling. It's a great wake-up call.
Good luck and stay strong and if you want to keep your mom strong, insist that the family (including mom) meet with the LAWYER together so HE can be the one explaining the options, not your overwhelmed sister.
P.S. I am sorry for her situation but as I said, many have gotten through it and they will too, with some changed attitudes and hard work. Not bailouts.
If you come from a family with siblings numbering more than a few...everybody has at least one. We've got one but I don't think she's quite this bad yet. GOOD write!
Have been there and done that. My sister was ready to do a short sale on her house and move in with mom with her two adult children, husband and 5 year old. Mom ended up sick with cancer and passed away before she could move in. Then she started working on me. I had thought about allowing her to move in moms house ( which we both inherited) and legally have her pay me my half as if I was the bank. After talking to the lawyer it was more hassle than I wanted to have. I would have to make sure she paid taxes, the homeowners insurance would have to be in both our names in case something should happen, and last but not least if she didn't pay me I would have to foreclose on her and hire an attorney to do so while trying to pay taxes as well, After thinking about it I decided we would just sell the house and she could do what she wanted with her share. This she did not like. She went in the house took all of moms personal items, jewelry etc. People like that feel that they are entitled to things and they expect everyone to help them out every time they make bad choices, When I could not help her she wanted nothing to do with me or my family. She stole moms jewelry and thought it was ok because she deserved it more than me. She honestly believes it. After seeing what she did I was happy that I did not cave in and let her move in the house. I would have lost everything.
It has been a year and half since mom passed and my sister and I do not talk. She does not come to extended family functions and I do not invite her to mine. I have to keep my distance from this leach or she will suck not only the life out of me she will steal , lie and manipulate to bleed my accounts dry.
It is very sad. You love them and would like to help them, but when you do it still is never enough. They want everything to be handed to them, blame everyone else for what has happened to them, and they will never learn from their mistakes. You can keep helping them and they will keep falling and doing the same things over and over again, Sometimes you just need to step back and let them figure it out for themselves.
Thanks, Nightflower. It's pretty sick when there are only two living siblings, as is the case with my Hubby and his sister. That's 50% rotten.
Oldersister: I am so sorry. As right (and righteous) as you are in standing firm on your side, I know it still hurts to be estranged from your flesh and blood. I cannot even imagine how painful this is for the blood siblings. So grateful that my family didn't disintegrate over my dad's money.
But from all the comments I get on my family betrayal hubs, I can see this is an all-too-common problem.
Thanks for sharing your experience. MM
I don't use yellow college-ruled notebook pads when I long hand, you might want to change that to white.
Thanks shirlee for sharing my private FB work so widely, I appreciate your support and obvious respect for my writing.
I don't understand your comment at all concept originator. Don't know who shirlee is or what your private FB work is. But thanks anyway for taking the time to stop by and share.
Shoes, shoes, shoes ... are dropping. How many feet can one person have? My sister and her husband are so under water it is overwhelming. So, now that I have the "whole" story, I am supposed to "help", and also then "help" them with getting "help" from Mom. I can't do this. I feel guilty even typing that, but this is just not right. Thanks, MM, for giving all of us a place to "vent" and share all our alike stories. Too bad they are not positive ones, but at least we have each other, which is more than we can say for our "family".
chicky, my sister in family insanity. I must admit when I read your first line I thought your sister was out buying a bunch fo BOGO shoes. Or maybe had an Imelda Marcos collection and was putting them up on eBay. LOL.
So you say now you are "supposed" to "help." Who says you are supposed to help? That doesn't at all sound like YOU talking. And who is directing you to get your mom involved in helping?
If I read between the lines correctly, you are being pressured (blackmailed?) to give money to your failing sister. And she is pulling you in to present a stronger front to your mom so mom can also donate to the (losing) cause. Is that right?
NO. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Wake up.
This is 2012. There are millions and millions of Americans who have lost their jobs and lost their homes and figured it out and gotten back on their feet.
THey have done the footwork and looked at all the available programs out there to get rightsized with their spending. Some are able to hold onto their homes by working out a loan modification.
What I hear (or think I hear) your sister saying is she wants you and your mom in her sinking ship with her.
You know as well as I do that any amount of money you lend her, whether $20 or $20,000, is just postponing the inevitable. Why? Because they have shown themselves unable to manage money. They aren't changing themselves, they're just moving into a new supply of money. Yours.
Now I'm the one sounding harsh. But not guilty.
What I could see -- but it's up to you to determine if this will even work with your sister -- is a family meeting where she and her hubby come clean to all concerned. Lay their cards on the table. Instead of jumping in to "fix it" by opening your wallets (which is all they want, I'm sure), your help is providing them with a list of resources. If they are incapable of doing the footwork (and I'm guessing they are totally in shock and overwhelmed) this is the gift you can bring to the table. The best donation you can make to their cause is facts and financial guidance. Surely you know other people who have turned their finances around in this economy. As how they did it. DId they use a government program? A financial planning professional?
Read everything you can about loan modification programs. There are loan brokers out there who are now offering these as part of their business.
In other words, the answers are out there.
This is NOT your responsibility. If you feel generous and want to pay for an hour of credit counseling (with a reputable firm/person) that's awesome. But handing over money or allowing your mom to hand over money is just opening the money pit. They need to relearn having money. They need to do the work and not take a handout.
Am I clear here?
Just say NO to family terrorists!
Reposting - with correct spelling. I hate typos.
MM, thanks - again! I have said no to just handing over more money. I also refused to help coerce Mom into anything. My sister says that they are seeking some help, and based on that outcome, will determine how much or how little I will be involved. My sister did not say what kind of help, but as long as it's not having their hands out at my door or my mom's door, then I am all for it.
well, not that this is important, but it's weird. My sister call me to tell me she "got something in the mail from the lawyer who did mom's will." I asked her what was it, and isn't that unethical? My sister is not the executor or power of atty or health care (that's all me). It was an old Power of Atty, from when our older sister was still alive, and it was she who was on it. I told my sister to shred it, and it as not right she got that. The atty is a friend of my sister's and her husband. My sister then asked me "did mom redo her will and did she use the same atty?". I said she did about a year after our sister passed on (she died in April 2004). What she does not know? mom redid it all again last year with a different lawyer. Just don't trust this friend of theirs.
Hi Chicky, Boy it sounds like your sister is playing games again. Sounds so familiar.
I'm no expert (although I sure feel like one after all we've been through), but it sounds like your sister is thinking about challenging your POA status and possibly your mom's mental capacity to be making new wills.
I sincerely hope the attorney your mom used to redo her will this time around is SOLID.
I'd say don't trust your sister. But of course, that's a given.
Keep me posted on what goes down.
Sorry to be so paranoid, but I certainly have the right to be!
Good luck, friend. MM
My Mom passed away suddenly on Tuesday. The night she died, while she was still laying on the floor in her apt, my sister and her husband kept searching everywhere for the key to mom's locked file cabinet! If I hadn't been so full of grief and dealing with EMTs, firemen, and police, I probably would have been screaming at them.
Dear Mighty Mom ~ Just read the sad news of your loss. May she rest in peace. Perhaps you mom can pull some strings in heaven and end the earthly war, so you can also find a quiet place. Sending plenty of hugs. Love, Debby
Thanks, Debby. Hugs appreciated.
Chicky, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I know you are grieving and it is very hard to think strait but get all the important papers out of moms house. Including any old wills. When mom re did her will be turned over the old will and gave it to the new attorney who destroyed it in front of us. See if you are allowed to change the locks on the apartment so that your sister can not go stealing anything, including personal items that you may want to split between family members, I feel so bad for you, I was there two years ago and went through the same things as my sister, If you need to talk or vent I am here
Chicky,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom. I hope she didn't suffer!
Please contact me via HP (here) or offline if you need a shoulder. It's a lot to process, I know.
Agree with oldersister (another ally in 'our' cause) that keeping your mom's papers safe is the smartest thing you can do right now. It has been my experience that after the initial shock wears off we get quite calm and deliberate in our actions to get through what must be done. You have known for some time you would have to content with sister and brother-in-law.
I can just picture them stepping over your mother's body in their frenzy to find that key. Sounds exactly like my sister-in-law.
You've come too far to let your guard down now.
We are here for you and wish you resolution and vindication.
Hugs.
MM
I buried my mother this week, and now the tug-of-war begins. I literally just want to hold up my hands, tell my sister to take everything and just leave me alone for as long as I live. ugh!
Hi Chicky. RIP your Mom. This has been a tough road for you and I'm sure this last week has been emotionally draining.
I understand how you feel about your sister. Feels oh so familiar when all we want is HER out of our lives. Just please go away and leave us alone. I hear ya.
And letting her take everything sounds like a plan -- right now. Is it giving in or is it the really smart way to get her off your back? Will you regret it if you don't take what's rightfully yours?
If it still feels like the right decision in a couple of weeks, then it is. But right now, you should just put up a giant BOUNDARY and tell sissy to take a chill pill while you grieve.
You've earned that, girlfriend. She can just wait till YOU are good and ready for a change.
Hang in there. It's going to be rough for awhile, but ultimately, you will find freedom here. I feel that.
Your friend and kindred assaulted sister, MM
Hi MM, I haven't read through ALL the comments here, but, this story hits a "chord with me". You see, what you accuse your older sister of being, is what I am accused of being, but am NOT.
It can work both ways - the siblings that do nothing, only to blame you for "taking advantage" of the older parent that you take care of full time, only because, by taking care of that parent, that parent is also financially supporting me. And, I'm here because the parent WANTS me here - of course, the siblings justify this with the idea that the parent just has dementia and is not of sound mind, but, I consider all of these spiteful reasons a product of jealousy that my parent loves me very much.
Yes, I do get some financial "gain" out of it all, when our parent passes away, but, I'm not here to take advantage of the situation - I came at a cross road in my life at the same time my parent did, and, we have, and are, helping each other right now - its a wonderful thing, yet, jealous siblings and family members are accusing me of being here for a greedy reason - they have hurt both of us - and does that mean I'm going to attempt to take "everything"? NO.
Please tell me, is your older sister trying to just take everything and leave nothing to you?
Hi Sandy,
May I say you are NOTHING like the older sister in our situation. You are actually providing the hands-on care for your parent. That's a huge difference.
It is a thorny situation -- and it struck a chord with you as it strikes chords in lots of others because with aging parents so many of us are dealing with this exact situation. We were just talking to friends yesterday. The husband in that couple is one of the "do-nothings" watching his sister do the lion's share of work with aging mom. Yet what is fair when it comes to splitting the inheritance?
I think the key is to have all the family sit down and discuss what's being done and why. Don't operate on illusions. The situation looks different for you than it does for your siblings. You can justify your financial reward by saying you are trading care for financial security now. And that's totally appropriate. But your siblings may see it otherwise. It may be jealousy or it may be GUILT that they cannot provide the same service to mom or dad that you are providing...
Anyway, the big difference between you and the sister in my poem is you really are providing the care. My SIL wore the title but never did any actual caregiving. She wanted control of the estate so she could use it to buy clothes and travel. She is not a caregiver and never was -- although pretending to be to the outside world. Very dishonest.
Her plan was not to caregive MIL but to live with her until she found a better situation (which she did- she found a sugar daddy to marry her).
Her plan always was to dump her mom in a care home.
In the very short period she was in charge of the family trust she showed herself to be a horrible money manager except when it came to paying her own bills with MIL's money. We didn't realize until then what bad financial shape she was in (desperate, really).
So my perspective is, you are doing the deal and actually providing care. She was not.
I do suggest you sit down and try to clear things up with your jealous siblings, tho. It will only get worse and you don't want your family to end up like ours!
MM
Dear MM ~ Sending a special prayer your way for the endurance and perseverance you have demonstrated as a strong advocate and friend. Blessings, Debby
THank you, Debby. YOu are always so kind. MM
Hi MM, thanks for your response.
How could she say she was a caregiver, but then not actually be caregiving? Was there someone else doing it while she was out and about doing her own thing?
Sorry if I'm so late on the chain with this story...
Unfortunately, I don't think out situation is something we can just sit down and discuss. It has gone beyond that.
Hi Sandy,
It's a long, sordid story. I'm finishing up my book on it -- if I hadn't lived it, I would not believe it could ever happen.
How could my SIL say she was a caregiver? It's amazing how people believe surface appearances and convincing liars. That's how. She moved her parents out of their home to a rental home in a chi chi neighborhood ostensibly to "watch over them." Reality: she lived rent free in a cottage in the back of their house while isolating them and applying "undue influence" to get them to sign a family trust document making her executive of the estate. Livig rent free also funded her 6 week trip to Europe, during which time her parents were EVICTED from the house.
She let her own apartment go as soon as her dad died and moved herself in with her mother, again, ostensibly to help Mom out in adjusting to widowhood. Once again, rent free.
The arrangement was for 3 months until - once again -- she set off for a 2 month European vacation.
Are you seeing the pattern here?
You, as a legitimate caregiver, may wonder who is caring for the parents during SIL's extended vacations?
Same person who has always been on the real frontline of caring for M&D, day in and day out, whether SIL is in the country or not: their SON, my husband.
For reference read my hub "How to Steal Your Family Inheritance" and "Where to Put Granny and Who Gets to Decide" -- those will give you a flavor of the HELL we have been through.
But as uncomfortable as it may be in your family (and I do not doubt emotions are HIGH), you are way ahead of the game in that the person doing the caregiving is actually doing the caregiving.
And you know what? The #1 lesson I have learned through our ordeal is, that is a privilege that not every sibling is capable of assuming.
A thought just occurred to me: If your siblings are having trouble wrapping their inheritance-grubbing heads around the value of what you are providing, or if you are not sure what it would cost to replace you should you decide this familial/financial arrangement is not worth the aggravation (not that you are likely to do that), check out what in-home care would cost.
Get a variety of pamphlets from agencies (those are going to be more $$$). As a general ballpark, plan on $150+ per day. Do the math and that's $55K a year.
So if you are accepting anything less than that from your parent in exchange for your services, your siblings are actually getting a bargain and should be grateful!!
MM
Chicky don't give her everything. I did not want to argue and when we went through the house she took it all, She was going through the house like a scavenger hunt grabbing what ever she could. I let it go. My husband kept telling me let her have it, why fight. Well when it came time to sort out the jewlery she had taken all of my moms jewlery and replaced it with costume jewlery, Jewlery that was hers , One of the rings was my sisters from her confirmation and one of the braclets I gave my sister for being my made of honor. Hold your ground. Split it evenly. You will regret it later. I am so sorry I didn't speak up because now it is too late, and I have nothing sentimental from my mom for myself or my kids.
Dear chicky, oldersister, Debby Bruck and Sandy and all those who have commented here over its lifespan.
Well, I, too, am closing out my saga. Chicky, our paths are almost completely parallel.
My MIL passed this afternoon.
If a death can be perfect, hers was.
She was surrounded by the people who love and care for her -- her son, me, her caregiver Joann and Joann's mom.
And Joann's sister and aunt were also there as her breathing changed and then she drew her last breath.
I was able to get the chaplain over earlier today to administer last rites.
The hospice nurse arrived about 5 mins before the end. How convenient is that!??
This part is just amazing to me: The Tongan women who loved Della so washed her body, changed her into her favorite clothes, combed her hair and even put on makeup and her slippers.
Our ordeal is over.
I am sad, but relieved that Della got to go out her way in her own home in her own bed.
Right now fighting over the small amount that is left with SIL is the last thing on my mind.
But I absolutely appreciate your insights, oldersister.
Chicky, I do hope that in the light of day you are rethinking the let your sister have everything.
Hugs to all my friends and thanks for your support. MM
Mighty Mom, I am so sorry for your loss of your MIL. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are a wonderful daughter in law. If you need anything I am here.
MM -
I am so very sorry for you loss. And yes, it sounds like your MIL went as peacefully as anyone could hope for. What a blessing! My thoughts and prayers to you, your husband, and family.
Hi oldersister and chicky. How awesome is it to have you to completely understand what I am thinking and feeling at this moment? We have our own special club surrounding parental death and sibling greed and betrayal.
You will both really appreciate this -- a partial vindication for any of us is a victory for all "good" daughters and sons (and daughters-in-law:-).
In the immediate aftermath of my mother-in-law's passing yesterday, which really was a beautiful and blessed transition, all things considered, my own sister was putting the full court press on me to "do the right thing" and pick up the phone and call my sister-in-law.
I get that she (my sister) is all about family and honor and all that is good in families. She is the one who has been a stellar executor of my dad's estate.
But it's clear she simply does not understand the level of infamilia perpetrated by my SIL.
I finally got her to back down by saying I have to honor my husband's wishes on this. He would have my head on a platter if I defied him on this. He feels (and I do agree) that someone who has betrayed and defiled theirmother, their father and him so completely has no right to share in this moment.
It's been frustrating and annoying that our Uncle Stan (Della's sister's husband) who has taken over as POA financial now, has been cc'ing my SIL on financial information. After all, she sided with the evil fiduciary against her mother and brother -- but that's all done with now.
How appropriate -- how brilliant in its simplicity -- then, that Uncle Stan informed his niece (who is conveniently out of the country AGAIN -- that's two for two parent deaths she has missed by being out of the country) of her mom' passing via a passing condolence comment in his latest financial update.
It's a small, but really significant thing...
Hi MM, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, but yes, it sounds like your MIL went the best way anybody could go. I knew a couple in their 90s, the husband passed away last year, in his own home, with all of his family around him. It was still a loss, but, he led a very good life, the couple was married for 70 years and, you couldn't ask for anything better as for how he passed.
I think, when my parent finally passes away, it is only going to magnify the raging emotions that are going on right now.
I appreciate the time that you have taken to respond to my messages here on your blog.
You are correct, I plan on doing the research to work out how much I would make, should my parent be paying me to do what I do. I have been here now for 8 years, so, I'm sure that would be a healthy pay check. I don't plan to leave - my parent wants me to stay until she dies - so, what's wrong with me getting some kind of benefits?
But, not only that, my sibling has received several hundred thousands of dollars for her children's tuition and other things over the years. In fact, at one point, my sibling was getting money every month from our parent, like, some monthly allowance.
Yet, I'm being accused for staying here just for the money?? What makes this even worse, is, other distance family members and friends sympathize with my sibling!!!
As for trips, yes, that really sucks about the trips for Europe. Just so you know, I, too take trips - trips to places that are on my parent's bucket list to go to - and I take her, and plan to take her on more!!! Do I enjoy them? Sure I do!! I like going to places, but I also get joy out of taking my parent who gets pleasure out of it. I would not just go on a trip for myself - I always take the parent with me, and only go IF SHE WANTS TO. I would never ever want to go on a trip, if my parent didn't want to go or, if she was physically unable to. It's a lot of work - it's like traveling for 2 people and yeah, I never do the things I would do, if I were traveling on my own.
I think, unfortunately, what I am running into is sibling jealousy. I don't even think they are after the money necessarily, but, are using that to attack me and harm my repute with the local area.
I can understand feeling "rejected" or "second best" in all of this, but, I cannot tolerate the spiteful, hateful rumors and insituations that are going around and then sent to me as indirect messages (when I try to nail my siblings or other people on it, they go in denial about ever insinuating anything).
I've gotten to the point where I just go on living my life as best as I can, make sure I'm legally sound, and take the best care that I can for my parent.
What is really unfortunate in all of this is, the parent's feelings in this do not seem to be taken into consideration - it's like, my siblings and their families no longer come to see her or call her (one of the siblings changed his phone number and didn't even tell her), thinking that she's just lost her mind after a stroke and that I'm just taking advantage of her...
It's just sick, but, I don't think there is anything I can do about their decisions or thoughts in all of this..
Hi Sandy,
I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing so much of your situation with us here. Because your experience is really important and people can learn from it!
As you describe your actions and your motivations it is clear that you have NOTHING to apologize for. You are doing not only what you think is right, but what your mom wants you to be doing. That no one else in the family seems willing to step to the plate and help with.
That is really sad. And it's really obvious (to me, but of course I am very sensitive to these things) that your siblings are feeling GUILT for not doing their part and taking it out on you.
One thing I learned through our experience, however, is that as much as we want and expect our parents to be 100% fair and even in what they give to each child, they may not be. My parents were. My dad kept detailed records of every dime he gifted or loaned each child so that it all squared up completely. He was like that.
My in-laws, however, just gave. Gave generously and openly to whoever they felt like helping. Much of their generosity was not direct cash, but time helping one sibling and her husband start a business. They gave my husband money over the years, some of which he paid back, but I doubt all of it. They didn't keep score.
But you can bet my SIL did. She had her eye on every penny that her brother got and demanded as much -- and more -- for herself. She was obsessed with her parents' money. So sad.
What I'm saying is, what your parents gave for a grandchild's tuition or to help a son or daughter out in a pinch -- that money is gone. It was theirs to give. And it may not be fair that one got extra. And obviously some in your family feel like you are "getting" something now that they're not.
Yes, you are. You are getting the experience of a lifetime. You do not complain that you have "given up" your life to do this. Instead, you are doing it because it's the right thing to do and enriches your parent's life. I imagine none of the other kids are taking their parent on trips anywhere, am I right?
I wish I could tell you the secret to turning the other cheek and not letting lies and rumors, etc. bother you. They are awful and hurtful. I have watched my SIL spread such lies about her brother. He is sickened by her betrayal.
But at the end of the day, he is the one who can hold his head up high. He is the one who in his heart knows he did the right thing and who has been here for both his parents. She can continue to spit falsehoods out and probably wil. It won't change the facts of what really went down here.
So take heart, Sandy. As one who has lived through losing an entire family -- only the father and mother to actual death -- I can tell you you will survive the slings and arrows. They cannot hurt you if you are pure of heart.
I wish you peace and keep doing what you're doing!
MM
Sandy - you are doing the right thing! No money can buy the memories you are making and the quality of time you are spending with your mom. Let the others talk all they want - no matter what you do, they will still talk. That is just the kind of people they are. I find that no matter how hard you try, you cannot please everyone, and if someone wants to, they will spread any lies that make them look better than you. Hang in there, we do understand.
You tell 'er chicky!
Hope you are doing well and regaining some equilibrium after your loss.
So glad I found this hub
Hello drownedinsorrow. It may sound trite but you are not alone. There are many, many of us who have been betrayed by immediate family members. It's the worst but at least we have somewhere to come and process the pain, anger, hurt, devestation -- all of the above.
Glad you found us.
Take heart.
MM
Hi drownedinsorrow - feel free to post your story or just vent here. MM is amazing - her site here has been wonderfully theraputic. WE care.
hey chicky,
Thanks for the kind words. We do care. And someday, some way, we will all heal.
Meanwhile, I just discovered another piece of the betrayal. Quite by accident. I wasn't looking for more evidence of the plot. And yet, there it is.
Made all the more poignant now that the fight is over and it's only about waiting for the final bills to come in and divide up the paltry thousands of dollars (less than $10K total) left in MIL's estate.
If there was ever any doubt about SIL's intent -- EVER, it's been exposed now.
I found out that back in May 2009, right after FIL's death, she made herself the sole beneficiary on her father's county pension after her mother. I'm not sure under what circumstances she would/could collect money. Her mom has been receiving county pension since her husband died. But the point is, she put herself ONLY, not herself and her brother as 50/50 (which of course is what both parents would want). And she likely coerced her mother to sign the form. Or else she forged it.
Along with getting the house put in HER NAME, it's pretty clear (to those of us who are paranoid, at least), that SIL was planning to cut little brother out of his share of the inheritance.
She will deny this till her dying breath -- oh no, I would never do that.
But her actions speak much louder than her protestations.
Anyway, it's a moot point now, as little bro (and me, his paranoid wife:-) stopped her plot.
It sucks bigtime to see how much of FIL and MIL's money has been taken by SIL before we stopped her legally. And how much has been handed to greedy lawyers who don't care a whit about us or our family -- just as much money as they can bilk from us.
But it feels good to know we DID stop her and them.
And it's some small consolation to know that SIL isn't taking everything. She's taking 50% of the very, very small amount left over. I hope she feels her efforts paid off. We know ours did.
It still makes me feel sick to my stomach, tho...
And even worse to think how stupid and horrible my hubby would feel to see the house proceeds NOT split with him but deftly stolen by his psycho sister.
MM
shibashake Level 5 Commenter 2 years ago
Wow - sorry you have to go through this MM. It is difficult enough seeing parents grow old, but to have to deal with such a sibling makes it SO much harder. Money is the root of many evils.