My Big, Fat, Ghetto After-Funeral Memorial Party
85I've been working on my funeral obsession. I really have. The truth is, I'm pretty funeral'd out, what with my dad's in December and my father-in-law's just last weekend.
Before I completely let it die a natural death (groan), I can't help but post one final hub on the subject. Kinda like my own little funeral for the topic of funerals.
Compare and Contrast/A Death Essay
Because my dad's death preceded my father-in-law's by only 3 months (and 2 days, but who's counting?), it's natural to associate the two. And equally natural (if one were so inclined) to compare various aspects of their passing, the families' reactions before, during, and post-passing, and, of course, the services honoring both men's lives.
I will spare you the details of the final days/hours of these dear men. I've written about them in other hubs. Today's topic is (once again) funerals. Specifically, some observations on what works and what doesn't. After all, what's the point of having these experiences and writing about them if future funeral planners don't benefit?
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Division of Labor
Best case scenario when a parent dies: all of the remaining adults in the family work in tandem. They (hopefully) intuitively know each other's strengths and divide the work accordingly. In my dad's case, the three adult children had already had a "rehearsal" with my mom's death three years ago. When it came time to organize Dad's memorial service, we knew the drill. And we got 'er done.
My husband's family also had a precedent to follow. His sister died in 2000 at the age of 47. I was not part of the family then. However, from what I hear, Hubby took charge and handled the logistics of cremation, etc. It sounds to me like many of the family simply fell apart. Understandable enough -- it was a shock and a tragedy.
But my father-in-law's death was not a surprise. He was 87 and in hospice. We saw it coming. When he stopped taking any solid food we knew it was just a matter of weeks.
For reasons known only to her, my sister-in-law chose to leave the country for 12 days with her new boyfriend. She said she had a special ticket and could return home on 24-hours' notice. Yet, when we called her on Sunday to say her mom needed her here, she claimed she could not get a flight. She kept to her original plan of returning Thursday evening.
My father-in-law expired at 3:00 am Thursday morning, approximately 18 hours before she got home.
Tears can wait, sweetheart
By the time they landed, the body was long gone. The hospital bed was gone. The hospice workers were gone. We'd already made the basic arrangements for cremation and were well into planning the memorial service.
The problem was, my sister-in-law arrived in full-on grief mode, more than likely fueled by guilt. This did not match our "still running on adrenaline" mode. There'd be plenty of time later to sit, reflect, and cry. But right now, we had a funeral to plan, dammit!
Sensing that grieving and productivity are mutually exclusive states of being, we made an executive decision. We pulled the entire planning function in-house. This made my Hubby the supreme commander of his dad's send-off.
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Don't drag it out
Some religions have strict guidelines on burying the dead within a certain number of days. I've come to believe it's to the family's advantage to do some kind of closure ceremony -- be it funeral, inurement, or memorial service -- quickly. One week or less is good. Two weeks is (IMHO) too long.
There's a saying that work has a tendency to expand to fill the time allotted to it. A prime example of this is the DVD slideshow my Hubby made of his Dad's life. Notwithstanding the fact that he'd started collecting and organizing old photos about 2 weeks prior, the presentation managed to take on epic proportions. He worked on it night and day up until the day he sent it off to the video lady for editing and synching with the music. Even so, we didn't get the finished product back until noon the day of the service. That's cutting it a little close!
Aside from spending so much time on the video, Hubby had quite a few other tasks to complete. Now that I think about it, he was doing the job of three people (e.g. my brother, my sister and me), not just one. Maybe all that coordination was necessary, but maybe he was a bit anal-retentive and hyper. All I know is, he did make a lovely service. We came very close to getting divorced during those two weeks, but the memorial service went off without a hitch!
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So what about that after party?
On top of the church service details, we could quite easily have taken on planning the reception. But we chose not to. Sister-in-law needed a part, and planning a party seemed like just the thing.
We volunteered the use of our home, but Hubby made it clear she had a "blank canvas" with which to work. This was Hubby's term, blank canvas. I was concerned it was too vague and might be misinterpreted to mean only tablecloth and napkin colors. So I insisted he tell her, in no uncertain terms, that her responsibilities included all food, beverages, ice and serving utensils required to host potentially 100+ people.
Don't be sad... Party!
Wait -- they're not even Irish!
Hubby's family is Lutheran. If you know anything about Lutherans, they are relatively tame in the party department. Casseroles, cake and coffee -- especially the latter for members of the older generation.
In addition, the service was set for 2pm on a Sunday afternoon. Prime drinking time for the hardcore, perhaps. But not for people having to navigate the freeway home in end-of-weekend traffic.
I knew we'd be serving alcohol. I just didn't expect my home to be turned into a saloon. Sis-in-law and the boyfriend shopped Costco and brought the bar contents over on Saturday. Here's what they delivered:
One large bottle of Coke.
One large bottle of Diet Coke.
One large bottle of Sprite.
A case of sparkling water.
Five cases of white wine.
Plus another sixpack carrier of 1.5 liter bottles of wine.
A gallon jug of vodka.
A gallon jug of Scotch.
They lined all the wine bottles up on the bar table like an army marching into battle.
Well, I thought. We may not have any food, but at least we can feel like good hosts, knowing each guest has their own bottle of wine!
Some Gin & Juice Perhaps?
All's well in the 'hood
Of course the food did arrive (my ex-brother-in-law owns a deli and is very generous). And it was beautifully presented and delicious. The fact that "someone" had forgotten plates, napkins and silverware only momentarily stopped the festivities. The ex-brother-in-law was "blamed" and duly dispatched to the store to buy these items. Whatever.
But the high point of the party (at least for me) was not the food, or even the wine. It was actually the BEER.
Trying to minimize potential glass breakage on the patio, we'd decided against bottled beer. Hubby had specifically requested Heineken and (I believe) told "them" where they could get a small keg. We had the ice bucket all set for it and everything.
Imagine my surprise to walk outside and see, instead of a pony keg of Heineken, a dozen 40-ounce bottles of MGD and Bud Light on my table! In my wildest dreams I would never, ever have thought to serve 40s to guests at a party (not even when I was drinking underage).
I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or hand out brown paper bags!
I now pray that my mother-in-law doesn't leave us anytime soon. I don't think I'll be ready to handle another memorial service like this one for a long, long time.
Feel free to drink to that. I'll fetch you a straw -- and a bottle!
Other Death-Related Hubs by MM
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Keep a forty for me in the freezer, By the time I finish the first one, it will be nice and chill.
sorry to hear of the loss MM, wish the best for your family and give the hubby a handshake hug for me
Gosh MM, I'm so sorry you had to go through this so close to your own father's passing, I'm also sorry for your husband's loss. :( I don't know what to say or think about your sis-in-law, so I won't! :X ;)
As Cris said, even though this is a very sad subject, you managed to write it in such a light and very entertaining way...interjecting some giggles at just the right time.
Very nice MM! :) I hope you don't have to attend any more funerals for a very long time.
I had no idea MM, sorry for the loss. I'll take a paper bag for my forty please.
Sorry to hear of your loss. My heart goes out to you.
Talk about planning your own funeral, I have a friend who has already bought her casket. She has lined it with crochet items and blankets. She says, if she going to be in it a long time, she wants it nice, and also, she wants some of her personal items there for when she resurrects. For a while, you would go to her house, and the casket was sitting in the middle of the front room. And best yet, her husband did DJing, and used an old hurst to haul his equipment around in. They are a hilerious couple. He actual is the 50-60's singer, Jerry Martin. I guess I need to do a hub on him.
Keep on Hubbing!
I've got leftover 40s for anyone who wants one. And if I run out, the 7-11 is just around the corner, so I can restock my supply. Sorry for your wine drinkers -- "they" took all the remains with them. Big surprise, there were approximately 4.5 cases left after the party:-).
Thanks all for the sympathy. I truly, truly hope I'm done with funerals for the year, anyway.
Eovery -- you really must write about this couple. Casket in the living room, eh? Sure she wasn't part of the cast of "Twilight"???
An amusing look at a difficult subject, but one that everyone can identify with. At least you had some booze. There are two very obvious sides to my family. On my mother's side, after a funeral is a morbid, sad, and dejected affair with none of your demon rum or any of it's cousins. On the Reilly side - the Irish side, obviously - it's a party, full of funny, "fall on the floor laughing" stories, lots of love, and "what'll you have?" In a way, it's unfortunate, cause now if somebody dies in my family, I hope it's a Reilly!
Great piece!
I've been to a lot of funerals (somehow everybody sees me as the "solid as a rock" type of person - no idea how that happened) and as such, I have seen a lot of things. One thing I know for certain - I DO NOT want to go to another of my family's funerals EVER again. They make it was too serious and there is lots of coffee and little else, and back at the house afterwards for the reception or whatever you want to call it, it's light laughter with a heavy overtone of servititude and religion and blah blah blah. However, I absolutely LOVE going to funerals a black family has had a hand in preparing. Now this is a group of people that know how to send off the dead! The sermon is lively and upbeat, there's dancing in the aisles, and the after party...well, you need a coupla days to recouperate from that!!! There is little to no sadness during the whole process, it's jubiliation and happiness and fond memories till you collapse laughing on the ground. Great hub mm, and as far as whether you're done with funerals, well, if the total number divides easliy by three, I'd say you're good for a few. If not, well batten down the hatches cuz here it comes again! Best of luck!
What a riot. i think I'd just die. Laugh about it later, but die in the interim. Hope it lasted a long time and everyone had a blast. That will be one funeral party they'll be talking about for years. Thanks for sharing this one. I'm sharing it. Paper bags LOL!
I think a lot depends on the circumstances of the death. If someone dies tragically and young, you can't help but have a funeral service that's downbeat. But I agree with you, Rainbow Brite, that the best ones send the loved on off with humor and grace and laughter. Lots of happy stories about the person's LIFE.
CR -- I hope that no one in your family dies soon. But if someone's gotta go, I pray it's a Reilly, too. Being also of the Celtic persuasion, I know just what you mean. Alcohol is necessary for those who require it. At my dad's after party we brought out a bottle of Jameson's (even though Bushmills is the preferred Irish whiskey, the party was at my brother's and my niece is named Jamison). By golly, it got consumed. And after that party the family went out to dinner and invited dear Father Culligan. And what a grand time it twas!
Frieda -- I hope you don't think me a snob:-). I have nothing against 40s -- I recognize that's the perfect breakfast of champions for some people. God bless them. Just the juxtaposition of having them at my HOUSE for a relatively elegant event -- I just scratch my head and (once again) ask, "What was she THINKING???"
Thanks all for visiting. BTW, haven't heard anything about that soap-on-a-rope party at Christoph's in quite awhile. But if it ever gets rescheduled, 40s would be a very appropriate beverage to bring!
Hi Mighty Mom! Sorry to hear that you father in law passed away.
I enjoyed the read immensely, thanks to the funny and humorous approach to a supposedly serious and straight faced topic. This article, together with the others where you talk about death, is in my humble opinion a great way to help others see that death can be talked about with flair and humor and doesn't need to be a taboo or a wailing recount. I was tempted to smack the sis in law upside the head a couple of times there, I admit :-)
It sounds like quite an event. Sorry to hear about your father in law.
Thanks, Elena and SP. Next time I throw a funeral I'll be sure to send invites to all my Hubber friends. Having you around would (actually DOES) help immensely!
Woo hoo! Soap on a rope party at my place. MM's bringing the 40's!
MM lovely take on a sombre occaision. I have over the past few years attended a few funerals or rather memorial services which now seem to be the vogue - no coffin, videos of the person and eulogies which are humourous stories. Your take on this was at least uplifting and although you lost an in-law, you gave him a send off which I am sure he was proud of as he looked in on the prodeedings. perhaps he had a grin at the 40's too.
MM! So sorry about these major losses to you and your family.
This being a rather morbid subject I still got my chuckle out of your point of views and how you handled things. You're a real gem and definitely one of my fave writers here on hubpages.
Greetings and my thought are with you Zsuzsy
MM, you have a truly wonderful talent for turning a sad experience into one that brings a chuckle and a smile to people's faces. I only hope that when my time is up that many people get merrily drunk and laugh their way through my wake!!!
My family does something similar. After a funeral they all go out, get enough drinks to drown a small army and party. They call it a "home-going" celebration.
Tootles!!!
Hey there, Mistygal! Where ya been hanging? You know fer sure that when you check out of this life there will be a giant tribute party for you!
Nayberry -- Wonderful to see you here tonight, woman! Home-going is a wonderful term!! Hope you're doing aok. MM
death is a hard one for me....
My fiance passed and I literally overdosed on a bottle of Presidente and sleeping pills...Never to do that again! And I guess God wasn't ready for me to die yet.
My dad's passing I had a flask in my purse and drank outside..my sisters got high in the car, they were very depressed. Afterwards the giant Mexican gathering...food, booze, grandma crying hysterically....sadness all around.
My grandpa passed just December....he was old and had been in hospice as well. He passed in his bed...it was only a matter of time and he went peacefully. The funeral mellow the gathering after was nice...alot of Champagne and Orange Juice....
I guess alot of us deal with Death and Alcohol together huh? =)
(No Old 'E" for me or Mickeys! yuck!)
GOOD HUB!
JJRubio, You are one brave and strong woman. I've read about your fiance passing and it tears my heart every time. I'm glad you made it through. God had other plans for you, obviously. And we're the beneficiaries.
Yep. Booze and mourning tend to go hand in hand. Especially young people need to get out of themselves, cuz death is just not part of their normal worldview (until it is). I understand that and was the same way when my uncle died in 1985. His funeral is a blur... I guess a lot depends on the circumstances -- the difference between your dad's passing and your grandpa's is striking to me. Hope you don't have any more losses in a long, long time! Cheers, MM
yes...With my dad it was a shock. We knew he was sick but it was so fast. Within a month he was gone. My sisters had a falling out with him and didn't get a chance to make up with dad...so by the time they came to see him he was already in a coma. They never have forgiven themselves and I know Dad would not be mad at them. HE loved them so much. I being the older sister try to assure them of that as often as I can. I still remember Dad asking me...where's the girls? and I had to say " they are coming soon dad"...
With grandpa we had seen him suffer in his old age not being able to get off the couch. His very existence had become torture to himself. He was able to be at peace when he left. As sad as I am, it was almost a relief to know he was finally resting. No more suffering.
Hello again JJRubio, Thanks for stopping back by. I am reading your comment from 10 hours ago on a sunny Friday morning. Interesting how things look different at night than in the day, eh?
You don't know this, but you have helped me tremendously with what you said above. Falling out with parents is just so unbelievable to me. I can't imagine that. But I know people who haven't talked to their own children in decades! I can only imagine the guilt your sisters feel. Good for you for assuaging their guilt. One thing that I could suggest is that your sisters could write an amends letter to your Dad. Not sure if he is buried somewhere or cremated or what. But the physical act of writing down how sorry you are and how you wish you had it to do over again can be extremely cleansing. They could put the letter on his grave or just write it and then burn it. It's symbolic, of course. But very, very therapeutic!
Meantime, you've reminded me that it's not for me to be outraged at my sister-in-law's actions (or inactions). She did what she did, we did what we did. Her father was asking for her at the end, also. If she asks me, I will offer her the same advice about the amends letter. I know my father-in-law loved her and would not hold this against her, so I should not either. Thank you for being a good example on that point! MM
OMG!! I chose this hub randomly because of the title. Little did I realize! My daughter and I occasionally go into fits of laughter regarding "a 'foty' of "Od E.' That's what they call it in my neighborhood. This is so ironically hilarious. Oh, and my son-in-law is Lutheran, so I understand. Thanks for sharing, as they say at the meets.
LOL, Druneric! I think "foties" are "foties" no matter where you are. I will never know if ODE (clever, isn't it?) is superior to King Cobra. Don't think I ever tried a Mickeys either, but too late now!
Lutherans are lovely people. My Hubby is much wilder than the average, but also very devout.
Thanks for visiting. See you around the Pages! MM
Hi MM!
Hey CR! Stopped by for a cold one, eh? Sorry I wasn't here to play hostess. Maybe later. I suspect we may all be chasing that saucy wench Chi Chi around again tonight:-)!!
I tend to believe hubbers read what they need to read for a reason.
Your ghetto memorial service should make the big screen. Dying is a cause to celebrate and is to be expected. Your family members decision to buy 40 ouncers for the after party reflect who they are. The ones who drink wine will clearly have a different hangover then the ones who drink beer.
I concluded after reading this engageable, moving story of your father-in-laws passing that I wanted to know more about what the scotch drinkers did at the after party and after the after party. And did you have any vodka left?
This could give me a clue of what to expect for my 84-year-old father's memorial after party.
Well, having been involved in some funeral planning and being invested with some Irish chromosomes myself, I enjoyed this hub no end. Maybe it's the Irish in me, but I don't find talking or writing about death unnatural. And families are gonna have at least one person who's beyond the pale. It seems to be a rule. They go their own way, determined to be selfish pigs, then are struck by remorse (supposedly) when they miss something important. But they keep on being selfish pigs, so don't take it too seriously. They'll rationalize it on their own!
Laughter, storytelling and booze are also in the genes, I think. After my mother's funeral, my youngest brother insisted on going to a bar for karaoke. We had a great time; I just remember feeling miserable in between songs because Mum wasn't there.
Off to check out more of your hubs.
Margaret
Love your writing. Got all the details needed to charm even the worst of situations.
Hello Margaret Morris. Sounds like we are both cut from similar Gaelic cloth.I love the story of going out for karaoke after your mother's funeral. That's priceless!
As it happens, the person in question was only revving up at that point (March). More recent hubs chronicle her escapades.... unbe-f-ing-lievable.
Anyway, glad to see you and thanks for the comment.
Whistler -- Thank you!!! Charm even the worst of situations? My goodness. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my writing! Can I hug you???
The last funeral I went to was a 3 ring circus. No booze though. It could only have helped. They are still fighting over who gets what. It started immediately after the death. I am only an observer, as it is ex-family, but can we have the remainder of that there booze?
Hello Whistler!
We still have the 40s but all of the unconsumed wine (99% of it) somehow walked out of here with the person who had bought it. By now I am sure it's all gone.
We'll be watching football today so come on by for a drink and a ham biscuit!
Hi Mighty Mom! Enjoyed reading your Hub. Was fun, in spite of the subject matter. And very well written.
I'm one of those people who say, if you want anything done (right), better do it yourself -- this very much proves that point ...
All the best, Camlo
Mighty I do just so happen to have a music video for you. You blog inspired me to share it with you. Sit back grab one of those forty's and check it out aight! LOL
No disrespect to your father and father inlaw I hope they both are up there smiling down on your family playing golf in the clouds. Wendy
Hi WeNdYpOoPoO,
I will check out your video heck, might just add it here.
Funny thing about the playing golf in the clouds. My father-in-law was an avid (and quite good) golfer. He played with my husband 3 weeks before he died.
But in addition to lymphoma, he also had Alzheimers.
Every time he saw my father he always asked him: "Do you golf?" My dad always said, "No."
It got to be a running joke...
Anyway, thanks for coming by. Off to check out your video! MM
OMG,W -- that is PERFECT! I'm adding this video.
And inviting Snoop Dog to our next funeral. LOL! MM
OMG LMFAO you go girl hehe. I am sure as long as there are 40's he will be there and if that is the case can I come to lol. I am glad I could put a smile on your face and make light out of a bad situation. Happy Hubbing Peace Out Home Girl!!!!!
LMFAO is right.
It wasn't funny at all when it happened, I can tell you that!
We gave the extra 40s away (that would be basically ALL OF THEM) to our nephew.
If you are ever to come to my house I will serve you gin and juice. LOL!
Happy hubbing back atya. Home girl -- love it!
MM
MM,
You better be also dusting off the old snoops CD's and popping one in.
Love this hub. An uncle of mine passed. I loved him a lot. Everyone loved him. The night before his funeral family and friends came from all across the country. We ate, drank, exchanged stories until the wee hours. I'd like to go out the same way.
Hello Mimi721wis. Thanks for visiting and commenting. That sounds like a lovely send-off for your beloved uncle. I hope your family and friends continue the tradition for you. But not for many, many, many years:-)! MM
I'm so sorry for the loss in your life. But I would like to tell you how much I enjoyes reading your hub!
God bless you, ChristineVianello.
I haven't revisited this hub in a long time. We had another death -- my ex-husband, father of my son -- two months after this one. A trifecta, if you will.
It's good to reread this, as we know a funeral for the last remaining parent, my mother-in-law, is in our future (we're just hoping she makes it to 90 in Sept).
Thanks for stopping in. All the best to you, MM
Mom, just did a drive by on the dead pool and didn't see any morbid advancements and saw this hub.
We've established my morbidity right?
I can't force myself to type what I thought and vividly saw in my mind concerning your out of town sister in law, hell I just got my my eyes dry from laughing I have to make bad thought leave me and wait for the coffee buzz.
Great hub,
Dusty
Hey pal,
Good to see you still have your sense of humor.
I know. I've way overdue on the wrap up on the CDP.
Do you by any chance have the time/desire to host even a first 6 months pool for 2012? You know, 50 Caliber instead of 100 Caliber. LOL.
Faster to fame, faster to payout. Maybe that's the way to do it this year:-). Especially considering many doomsayers predict we will all be clocking out before the end of December 2012.
Hurry hurry coffee buzz. I hope you will get all jittered up and caffeiny and agree to do HP the honor.
It's really calling your name.
Dusty, Dusty, Dead Pool, Dead Pool......
....sings: Aint no party like a 40 oz party cause a 40oz party don't stop. Oh, wait, you did say funeral reception. My bad. Lol. That's hilarious though.
Cris A Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
Despite the rather "morbid" subject, I had fun reading your account. It sounds like a scene from Four Weddings and a Funeral. Thanks for this tongue-in-cheeky hub MM. You sure could tell a story! :D