Sex After Rape -- Victims' Coping Tactics
99The question: Do rape victims become promiscuous in response to the trauma?
The answer: Let's just say running out and having retribution sex is hardly the first thing on their minds. This hub is written primarily from my own experience, with some generally accepted guidelines thrown in. If you read through the many comments, you will see that some women do react to the trauma of rape by becoming sexually indiscriminate.
Whatever your own (or your loved one's) reaction in the aftermath of rape, I hope you will find some solidarity and healing here.
My Favorite Book By a Rape Victim
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One Rape Does Not Fit All
First of all, rape is an equal opportunity crime. Women of all ages, races, builds, income levels, education levels, and temperaments get raped. They might be sleeping in their bed, or walking home from work, or partying in a fraternity when the rape occurs. They may or may not know their attacker(s).
In short, you can't easily classify all victims pre-rape. In addition to the above, some women who get raped are virgins. Some are married. Some are sexually active, but within normal limits. Some "promiscuous" women do end up getting raped, too. But the victim's sexual history is not the issue. You see, rape is not -- despite what popular opinion, movies and courtroom dramas would have you believe -- a sexaul crime. It's a crime of RAGE and POWER. It's an overpowering of a woman using sexual force as the weapon.
A rape victim may be sexually active before her rape. She will probably, at some point, be sexually after the rape. The fact is, however, the rape itself will cause a major -- if temporary -- disruption in her sexual functioning. Because it will cause a major -- if temporary -- disruption in her functioning period.
Rape Recovery Resources
- http://www.hopeforhealing.org/
Rape recovery support including understanding and comfort to victims of sexual assault, rape or domestic violence and we give hope to the people who love them. - Women\'s Web - Health
Jody Foster as Rape Victim
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Paralyzed by Fear
My particular rape was perpetrated by a total stranger who cut the screen of my girlfriend's second floor apartment. I was spending the night with her after a fun evening hearing live music. This was before the era of cell phones. He did make sure we understood he would cut our throats and the phone line if we didn't cooperate.
The specifics of what he demanded and how we finally got him out of the apartment are irrelevant. Well, not irrelevant, but irrelevant to this hub. The important thing is he left, we ran upstairs to safety and called the police, and (blessedly) they sent both a male and a female officer.
I remember the police drilling into us (in prep for the grand jury hearing) the mantra "paralyzed with fear." As in, "Yhy didn't you go and check on your friend in the other room?" "I was paralyzed with fear." "Why didn't you rush him and run out?" "We were paralyzed with fear." Etc.
Surely we were paralyzed with something similar to fear for about 3 days following the rape. We retreated to my apartment where we alternately slept, drank copious amounts of wine, and chain smoked cigarettes. When we finally got up the courage to go back over to her apartment we were shivering. Irrational as we knew it was, we expected to find "him" waiting for us there.
Near-Term Coping Mechanisms
In the hours and days following a rape (and trust me, the rape does not have to involve vaginal penetration for this to be the case) pretty much the last thing you will feel like having is sex.
You feel dirty, fouled, crushed and bruised (emotionally if not physically). The sense of vulnerability is overwhelming. You may want to sit down in a scalding shower and scrub your skin to remove the feeling of filth.
There's also the rape kit to contend with. Imagine your body and clothing being culled as evidence. Yeah. CSI My crotch. Even more intrusive (for me) was getting jabbed in the buttocks with a tetanus shot and being forced to take the morning-after pill. Merely routine, they told me. Not for me, it wasn't.
A resource for abuse and rape victims
FREE Rape Counseling from a Hubber
- anjegirl on HubPages
Anjegirl is a hubber trained as a rape counselor. As you will read in several comments, she has helped others and would love to hear from you. Check her out. MM
But the Trauma Is Universal
Although the circumstances surrounding rape are virtually unlimited, it is a universally traumatizing crime for its victims. Women who live through rape go through the familiar stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally, if they're "lucky"(see book above), Acceptance. Another categorization of the grief of rape victims that rings quite true in my experience is this:
1. Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
2. Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
3. Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)
Ideally, the reorganization and re-entry into a more normal social life will include normal sexual functioning. The sexual partners of rape victims are essentially victims, too. Through no fault of their own, they end up having to help their partner pick up the pieces of her life.
Chat with other survivors here
- Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room
Online support group, message board & chat room for rape, sexual assault & sexual abuse survivors / victims. Join the message board for help after rape and sexual abuse. Also includes articles on sexual violence.
Rape: The Aftermath
Our case had a happy ending. Our rapist went to prison. Notwithstanding, my friend insisted the landlord install metal bars on her windows. She never felt completely at ease in her apartment again.
We both received rape counseling. I don't remember it being particularly effective. But then again, I had a pretty strong denial system working for me in those days.
So how did this experience affect my sex life? For me, I'd have to say it didn't. But my friend was traumatized for a long time.
All Purpose Rape Crisis Links
A helpful resource suggested by gmwilliams
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Is your rapist a SOCIOPATH?
Rape vs. Abuse
Now it is true that women who endure systematic sexual (or even emotional or physical) abuse from men can become hyper-sexual as a result. It's not uncommon for exotic dancers and prostitutes (for example) to report being abused in their pasts. Turning the tables on men, so to speak, is a way to regain their sexual power.
Promiscuity is also a common response to abuse. Girls who grow up equating their self-esteem with allowing men to "have them" sexually often repeat this pattern as adults. It's what they know.
But these examples represent responses to established patterns. Rape is different. Rape is a one-time shock to the system. Yes, it's horrible. It's violent. And it does involve sex -- unwanted, unbidden sex. But does it alter the victim's basic view of her sexuality? Short term, absolutely. Long term, I'd argue that rape does not make women promiscuous. If anything, it may make us more circumspect and reserved about our sexuality.
A Sad Response All Around
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Rape and Self-Esteem
As I said above, my rape was in many ways "best case scenario." I didn't get beat up, I didn't get pregnant. I didn't have to worry for more than about 5 seconds if or what I might have done to bring this on myself.
But most rape victims don't get away so easy. The rape itself is degrading enough. Too often the victim gets dragged through the mud all over again. Her reputation may become tarnished (think college campus). Her sexual history may be put on trial by the defense (think Kobe Bryant). Even family and friends may come at her with surprisingly caustic "analyses" of what she must have done "wrong" or even why doesn't she just get "over it" and "move on."
There's no doubt self-esteem takes a hit. Whatever you were before the rape, you now have a new identity: RAPE VICTIM. The key is whether you allow this new label to define you long-term or if you do everything in your power to heal and move on.
If you are in a sexual relationship when the rape occurs, it may take time for you and your partner to re-establish pre-rape intimacy. Don't be surprised if your first time back in the saddle brings up a range of emotions. Be gentle with yourself.
If you are not in a partnership, you have the choice to tell or not tell future partners about your rape -- including full vs. partial disclosure of the gory details.
Rape Crisis Resources for Partners
The Opposite Reaction = Promiscuity
Although it was not my personal reaction, promiscuity can be a reaction to a brutal rape. Several commentors have noted this, so I am hereby amending my hub to include it.
Last night I watched a disturbing movie called "The General's Daughter" based on a book by Nelson DeMille. I don't wish to give away the twisty ending, but suffice to say, it involves a gang rape and the victim's subsequent response. It's a bit over-the-top in terms of the Freudian aspects, but does raise an interesting point about how others' reactions to the victim's experience can make or break her recovery. Boyfriends, husbands, family members, counselors and clergy -- take note!
For Partners of Rape/Incest Victims
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What Do You Think?
Does Rape Impact Sexuality?
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Thanks, Lori. Again, I got off a lot easier than my friend. It was her apartment and that made a huge difference. There are a million scenarios in which I put myself at risk (back when I was a wild child). I'm just fortunate that the rape didn't occur as a result of my recklessness. It could easily have back in those days!
Rape is a loss -- and grief is the natural reaction. It's also a violent crime. It's easy to get stuck in "why" and wanting vindication/justice. But that won't help you process and move forward with your life. Help is out there. I hope all rape victims get it.
Thank you for an accurate, factual, and informative piece. I attempted for over 12 years to build a romantic partnership with a man who was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (and the Catholic church). It was like nailing jello to a tree.
Here are a couple of poems I wrote about it:
AN AFFAIR OF THE HEARThttp://www.associatedcontent.com/article/983196/an//www.associatedcontent.com/article/977438/apocolyptien.html?cat=42
The effects of rape and sexual abuse may run very, very deep and affect many or even all aspects of life. I finally gave up on this man. He had a defense for everything, no matter how good.
Oh dear, I'm sorry those links turned out so badly. Let me try again!
Thanks, JMS (that's my abbrev. for Justmesuzanne). I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Even sorrier to hear about his. Anytime sexual abuse involves children that just compounds all of the problems and makes it very unlikely the victim will ever function normally as an adult -- without lots and lots of therapy. And when we're also talking about the abuse of trust/power of a person we are supposed to look to for guidance (a teacher, priest, coach, etc.) that makes it even more horrible.
I dated a man for about 18 months who had abuse issues in his family. His sister's way of coping was to eat herself into obesity and become a lesbian (ok, becoming a lesbian may not have been a choice -- but I seem to remember him telling me she had been straight at one point). He also had some pretty strange sexual issues. I never did find out the details of what had occurred. But you could just tell that beneath the surface of this "perfect" family was something really dysfunctional. I got out quickly.
You are very brave to write this hub. I remember on our college campus several college students were raped in the early nineties, which resulted in many warnings that we should always use the after hours escort service. One man was even raped by two men, which goes to show both genders should be careful. From what I heard they never found any of the perpetrators, and some people felt as if they were being treated unfairly when they came forward. I cannot speak personally about these cases because I did not know the individuals that were attacked, but word was out about campus that people that knew those who had been attacked felt not enough had been done to make the campus secure. One girl's mom called the campus to let them know her daughter had been raped on the fourth floor of the library, but she did not want to come forward because she felt nothing would be done. I would want to come forward if someone did this to me, but I can understand some may be hesitant. It has been a few years since I graduated, but I hope this situation has improved. Thanks for your informative hub.
Mighty Mom Great u hav done nice job
Andy Naslas
34 Male
Welcome, Joula_Vegh. Thank you for commenting.
SwPie, see. The situation you describe is the polar opposite of my rape. It must be so difficult to have to stay on campus watching out everywhere not knowing if someone else will be victimized -- or if you will be victimized for coming forward, only to have the perpetrator go free. I encourage you to read "Lucky" by Alice Seybold" which is about a camput rape. Her first book, "The Lovely Bones" is (IMO) even better, but I just adore her writing.
Thanks for commenting!
very brave for writing about this mm - it is hard to take a step back and evaluate something that was/is completely out of one's control - and as you say it is a "power driven crime" and perpetuated by a bullying and a cowardly person who in your case luckily ended up in court. and enjoyed years in jail I hope. thanks cheers.
Well u hav nice topic here i hope to see u soon with some thing hot here....
MM, well I am stuck for words, Iv'e been back here 4 times.
Everything I try to write is cliche. This is not a subject to be trivialised, all I want to do is give you a great big Hug and tell you everything is going to be OK. So next time hubby comes close tell him to give you a big fox hug on Ag's behalf.
Good hub! I'm glad to say it doesn't effect my sexlife anymore. It did the first six months. But the worst thing for me after the second time(and sometimes it still is) is when I am on my own on the street at night or in the evening.
MM, thank you for writing this great hub. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who never discuss this at all (i'm one of em). I'm so happy to hear that you handled it in the way you did and that the person went to jail.
I think my biggest regret after being raped by two men was not reporting it. I still wonder how many other women they may have raped because I didn't do the right thing. These two men were tag team rapists, they worked together, and they ended up hurting me so badly that I had to be catheterized a day later to relieve my bladder.
But the point of your hub is how it affects a person's sexuality afterwards, and I don't even remember. I only remember being very angry and untrusting.
*Cyber hugs to Mighty Mom* :)
PS: Having major computer problems here, so if nobody sees me around, then that's why.
MM this was a brave hub, I'm glad you wrote it. I grew up in the era in which a woman who was raped better be a 90 year old nun locked up in her convent room at the time of the crime or else all the stigma was on her. I survived a brutal gang rape in my late teens that my parents refused to prosecute because they knew the perpetrators and were afraid, and because they felt that reporting it would 'bring shame on our family.'
Weirdly, it wasn't that bad because I had amnesia for the actual event for many years. When it all did come flooding back I had to contend with severe panic reactions for years and years while I dutifully trotted off to a therapist once a week. I'm pretty happy today and I don't have any PTSD symptoms or problems now and haven't for about a decade, but the five or six years I spent in treatment for it were some of the most painful of my life. What was strangest of all was how unreal it all felt, and how long it took to just accept it and move on--I was literally the last to know what happened in my own life--everyone else knew it all along. I'd remember a piece of it, shove it out of my head, remember another piece, poof make it go away. It's weird to be a stranger to yourself, and even weirder trying to glue all these busted up pieces of yourself back together over a period of years.Then after all that, there was the matter of the still free and still around rapists, and my relationship to my family, especially my folks, to sort out. Ugh.
I've thought many times of writing about it, but it's so horrible--I think, God, who would read it? And then too, what would it do to me? Could I write it and not re-experience it? I think at this stage of my life I could--yet I don't. My parter encourages me to do it, but even he has quit pushing me to write it, since he can clearly see it still gets to me after all these years. Not emotionally so much anymore--it's just the feeling of wanting to enjoy what's left of my life and not think about THAT anymore. But then, sometimes I think, maybe it would help someone else, and then I feel guilty for not writing it.
Sexual crimes are still rarely spoken about openly or disclosed even to friends. Partly I think that is because women who have been the targets of these crimes are very anxious to forget them and move on and feel good again, but partly it is because people don't know how to act or what to say or do. It's overwhelming and unwelcome information for most folks, so you learn early on to keep it to yourself.
Great hub, thanks.
{{{Pam}}} I know what you're saying. After making a simple and guarded comment about my own experience, I walked away from my computer feeling a rush of things that I simply don't want to feel and I really don't want to think about it at all. Only you know if you should write about your experience. I think what you've already shared is a big help to others.
If there is one bit of advice that I would now give to any rape victim, it would be to report it no matter what the circumstances are. And I'm not talking directly about you Pam, you were very young and at the mercy of your parents. In my case, I was in my mid 20's, and I could have done something.
I think the biggest problem (for me) is that initial stage of feeling numb, like it isn't or wasn't real. If the anger stage would come first, then maybe I would have handled it differently.
Very honest account - thank you Mighty Mom :o).
Dear friends and fellow rape survivors. Thank you for bringing your own experiences and reactions to the public of HP. In reading some of your very painful recounts, I remain stolidly convinced I had the "dream rape" of all rapes. But your responses really underscore the universality of our reaction. It is so surreal. Pam, that "feeling numb" rings so true. I chose to keep myself numbed for years and years in one way or another. Not just from the rape, but from everything in my life I was too immature to handle.
Truly, I did not set out to write a sage of MM's rape. I answered a request on a specific topic of rape leading to promiscuity. But I find it always makes things feel/sound more genuine when the details are your own, you know?
My heart and solidarity goes out to each of you strong and brave women. And Ag, you are a true pal and I just love you to bits for that. Don't cry for me Mr. Down Under. I'm a Nietzsche gal thru and thru. If it hasn't killed me yet, it's only made me stronger!
Final comment re: writing about your experience. I personally find the very act of writing cathartic. And, because this topic is so raw, I have NO doubt that if any of you rape survivors were to share your own stories, they would find willing audiences.
I do apologize for dredging up painful memories. Sometimes it's a good reality check to dip a little toe in the water to see if it's still scalding hot or if it has cooled some over time, ya know?
MM,
thanks for sharing your experience for advancement of understanding of the subject.
This is a difficult subject and you handled it very well. I think Pam is right, beyond the trauma of the victims, the family and friends have no clue how to handle it. I mean, who prepares for that?
This took massive courage to write. I salute you. (And Pam, I know jack-crap about this, but I have to say, in my guts it reads like you have moved past it. Can't see how dredging it up would help.)
MM--
I'm glad you wrote this. I won't apologize for reading some things 'not' as satire and commenting seriously on some previous hubs (Mr. Shadesbreath, ahem, above), though, yes, I understand you are far from a raging sexist and your articles, etc., show a very intelligent, humanitarian streak.
I do not pretend to understand this in a personal way--just as someone who strongly supports human rights across the board, and as someone who knows talking/writing about it seriously promotes understanding.
Thanks, Mr. Shades. It was not a hub I felt a burning desire to get off my chest. Was merely responding to a query. Do women become promiscuous after being raped? My experience -- seeming to be echoed by others -- is NO. If anything, it really messes up your sex life, at least for awhile.
I feel kinda bad I've dredged up traumatic memories for my friends Pam, Pam and Lazur and others who have been there. Great to get support from men like you and Ag, tho. Perhaps today we move back into lighter territory:-)
Hi Lita. No, this hub is not intended as satire. Although if/when I write the play-by-play of the actual rape experience, I will write it with comedic elements. Because it HAD comedic elements. Example: What kind of dumb-assed rapist drops his wallet in victim's apartment (where she cleverly hid it in the piano seat for the cops). What kind of rapist demands to take a six-pack of beer with him -- which the cops find (covered with victim's fingerprints, natch) in his apartment 20 mins later. I mean come on!
MM - I read your piece...left...read it again...left...read it again...and decided I have to leave some sort of comment. But you are right and so are others when it comes to knowing what to say when it comes to "uncomfortable topics."
I'm not ready to go into any details regarding my experiences, but i just wanted to let you know I thought you made a direct hit in describing the impact and realistic expectations afterward. And...in pointing out the repercussive differences between rape and sexual abuse in a sensitive manner.
Mighty Mom,
I was looking for a new book to read, so I will check those out.
Hi Spryte, Don't know what to say in response to your sensitive comment. Obviously you have personal experiences in the areas of rape and sexual abuse. All to many women do. Glad to have you as a kind and kindred spirit! Hugs, MM
Mighty Mom, you're indeed a very thoughtful person, please don't feel badly. You've handled a very delicate subject wonderfully, and I'm thankful to you and others who have bravely talked about their experience. I've never even tried to talk about this before, but I can see how it can be helpful. Sometimes we work so hard to keep ugly things buried, but in reality they need to somehow be released.
You're really right on about things like this making a person stronger. It's true. Life isn't always rainbows and roses, and how we handle the bad crap builds true strength of character.
This reminds me of a line from the last Rocky movie where Rocky is talking to his son about being a winner...I have to use my own words because I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something like, "Winning isn't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, then get back up, and keep going."
It's wasn't the best movie in the world, but that one line was worth the 90 minutes I spent watching it. ;)
You're so right, Pam. An essential (read: life-saving) thing I have learned is how damaging it is to bury ickiness inside. We may think we're being strong, but we're really poisoning ourselves by swallowing unpleasant memories like that.
I like youre Rocky quote. Very apt. A friend I know says this: "People used to tell me God would never gave me more than I could handle. But after my quadruple bypass surgery I realized God absolutely gives me more than I can handle -- thus insuring my continued dependence on Him." Good stuff.
WOW! MM, I love the twist your friend put on that saying! I've, at times, been put off when someone throws that saying at me because there are times, and we've all been there, when it seems like every single aspect of life is beating you to death. Times like that provoke me into being a little sassy with God, which I'm sure he doesn't appreciate, but now I can reflect on what you've shared and smile instead of getting all sassy. :) Thanks for sharing that, it's indeed inspirational.
Shadesbreath--I do believe I've moved past it, which is why I guess I don't spend much energy on it anymore or spend much (if any) time writing about it either--and that feels great BTW. I hope if I ever manage to write a book it's on a happier topic. I'd like to write a sci-fi novel.
MM--It's sad how many women have personal stories and how easily it's all dredged up. THings really are much better now than when I was young though--thank God. Not perfect, but much better. Thanks again.
It was very brave of you to publish this hub. I think it depends on the person, but it can definately effect you sexually. It can haunt someone for the rest of their lives, but ONLY if you let it. Your right it's a rage and power thing. Woman need to take their power back. Im glad he got his punishment and is serving time. You must be so strong. Thank you for this hub
It truly is hard to know what comment to make on such a personal hub topic as this MM, but I do feel you have been incredibly brave opening up about what happened, and also giving others on here the confidence to tell of their experiences also. Just knowing others in your circle of friends have been through such an ordeal as well must be truly comforting for all concerned, even those who feel they are now over the worst of the experience they endured. Well done as always for being so strong.
Pam and Pam, glad to provide any amount of therapeutic whatever. You both seem to me to be well adjusted (at least from waht I see from your writing and comments). Miss G, welcome here. Glad to have new women to share the sistahood with!
Misty, guess I still have more processing to do on this issue. I really don't think of this hub as being personal in the slightest. I wrote it in response to a request. It was an opportunity to express my opinion and possibly set someone's head straight about what happens to a woman's sexuality after rape. Then again, there are hundreds of requests. So I guess I chose this one because I do have some personal experience to bring to light on the subject.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. This occurred in 1985. To me, it's a really, really old scar that hardly even shows or itches anymore. Meanwhile, as you can see from my other hubs, there are plenty of other HUGE life traumas in my current world that trouble me way more than the rape ever did. Maybe that's maturity (?)
Anyway, I do thank everyone for coming and sharing on this topic. Sharing is healing.
As to be expected M&M, a well constructed assessment. Thank you for this interesting and important article.
Reid
Somehow, a response of "my pleasure" seems not only inadequate, but somehow wrong. But I do thank you for stopping by and commenting, Mr. Basso!
I am so happy that you are now able to talk about this and sahre it with others, as doing this helps other heals and realize that they are not alone. :)
Thanks, Mighty Mom.
Reading about your experiences really makes the topic more real to me, and helps me to understand how rape can affect one person. In particular, I now have a better understanding of the different effect rape can have on adult victims vs. victims of child sexual abuse.
Reading everyone else's coments have helped clarify this horriffic phenomenon in my mind I think it's important for victims and non-victims alike to realize that, as you said, "One rape does not fit all."
A moving and thought-provoking hub.
Thank you AEvans. It's kinda funny. I don't feel I have been reticent to talk about my rape -- but have never written about it publicly. Would probably not have even thought to do so if I hadn't seen the request on HP!
Sterling Sage, I'm not sure if I'm glad my hub made the topic more real to you or not! But anything that sensitizes people to experiences they might not themselves understand or feel compassion for is always good. So thanks for sharing your reaction!
What a thoughtful, sensitive, and informative hub. Thanks so much for sharing this information. It's difficult to comprehend the heartbreak of rape, but you have done a great job of describing its implications for the victim.
Thank you Kate for stopping by and commenting. Victim is not a label I personally choose to wear. But I am keenly aware many (even most) rape victims don't have that ability.
What a wonderful hub, Mighty Mom. Excellent advice for both those who have lived through the trauma, and those close to them struggling to understand how to make them feel better.
wow what a find a honest brave inspiring lady kudos brave heart my heart felt thanks
Why thank you kindly, tinyteddy. You strike me as a soulful man. Glad to share my experiencce when it strikes a chord with readers!
I totally agree with your statement that Rape victims don't come forward due to the reputation of the victim/their families is concerned. In India the cross examination by the lawyers is sometimes more torturing than the actual act.
I don't know some people can be so myopic not to see the consequences of their actions. A few seconds of their act can bring so much tragedy in others and their lives. If someone is having Psychological problems which instigates them into committing such acts then even they should have counselling not just rape victims hence avoiding any repeats.
When I was studying in India during my undergrad days at that time stayed with my parents hence had no such issues. When I was doing my MS here in US I always managed to schedule a group of girls or some boy we could trust to walk us home from the campus. In your case there was nothing that could have been done and feel sorry that you were helpless being held at knife point. I hope you & your friend aren't scarred and have loving relationships with men in your lives.
I wrote a hub about my rape too. I did have the poromescuitti afterwards, but only for a short time and then I wouldn;t let anyone touch me for months. I am still in a sort of amnesia about the time of my rape. I still only know that it was between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that is all. I wish we could group all these hubs together so that we all cam be of help to one another. My hub is How My Rape Brought Me Into The Light.
What you lose is your sense of trust for others and it is something of a boundary isssue too. To this day my bubble or boundary is like 3 feet and if a man comes closer I will back up.
I really can't think of anything to say that wouldn't sound cliche. I'm just sorry that that had to happen to you and your friend.
I wonder how rape and the new growing demographic of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism) and D/s (Dominance and sumbission) relationships coorelate to childhood sexual trauma? i know that rape scenarios are a common fantasy for many woman....is this denial working its magic....the mind sexualizing a traumantic experience and turning into a "healthy" coping mechanism (hopefully). I wonder if there have been studies done on this potential coorelation.
Thank you for this hub and for being honest.
Well, Rape has never been one of my dreams or fantasizing----even before my rape. How about the rest of you?
Hi LG, Thank you for sharing this very personal trauma. It's interesting to me that you can see a person differently once you know this about their history. I would have had no idea from reading your frequent comments! Now I will definitely go and read your hub. And yes, it's a great idea to group hubs of like content together...
Ray, so sweet of you to take the time to comment. I know that this subject makes men very uncomfortable. Well, let me amend that. It makes good, decent men uncomfortable. Glad to have you here as one of the latter.
Goldenchild. I am sure there are studies somewhere to be found on this subject. I'm with Lady Guinevere tho. Rape has never been my fantasy either before or after. My uneducated guess would be that one of two things would happen if you are the victim of sexual trauma as a child. You would either grow up to be submissive, or grow up to be dominant in an effort to overcome that trauma. It's an interesting theory. Not sure I'm up for writing a hub about it -- how about you tho???
Hy ladies, I did attract my experience by reading the books about rape and by fearing of that. It was my second sexual experience. Could not enjoy sex for years afterwords, and was changing the partners because of bad feelings about myself. I have started to use it in fantasy (but with my real partner not the rapist) in order to overcome trauma, but many years after that happening.
Anyhow, now I do not feel as victim any more, nor I would not want that anybody see me like that: that was just life-experience what majority of woman have on one way or the other: in marriage, relationship or outside that. Sexual urge of men differs from ours, obviously.
Feeling as victim always attracts agressors to close the circle, with feelings as victim, we create some kind of agression again. I found out it is the best to heal that experience. Today, it is just a pale picture without emotions.
People need to discuss a lot among themselves about differency between male and female sexuality and work hard to stop the war between sexes: mutual understanding and respect will help to heal that problems, gradually.
Today I am in great relationship and enjoying my sexuality with love and passion.
You have my deep compassion, love, understanding and respect.
Beautiful, powerful words from a beautiful, strong woman. So glad to know you have moved beyond feeling a victim and are enoying a loving and passionate relationship! Cheers. MM
Being raped by a so called friend or stranger is something I have not had happened to me so I can't comment on the feeling of being raped. But I will comment on those people that can commit such a horrific crime. When they are caught they need to be put in jail regardless if this is a first time criminal act. First time offenders need to be put in jail for about 10 to 15 years, second time offenders should be put in jail for 20-25 years the ones that commit 3 or more should have their penis cut off and put in jail for until they are about 70 years old. The person that violates another person should not have any rights and when put in jail, they need to be placed in a cell with nothing, no tv, radio, no book to read, nothing to write on. They should only have the bare necessities to eat. They need to sit and think about what they did and why.
Thank you for commenting, Sherry. I agree with you, rapists are cowards and need to be should be dealt with harshly. And I truly hope you never have to endure the trauma of rape personally. Cheers, MM
rape is an evil act and i hate those who commit such crime! put them behind bars!
Hi mariane, yes, it's difficult to understand what would possess someone to use sexual force on a fellow human being. Men sometimes have very messed up views and take their frustrations out on women. I'm in favor of all women getting self-defense training! And yes, it sure would be great if all rapists were caught, tried, found guilty and put away to keep them from hurting others. We can dream! Thanks for stopping by. MM
You are a brave and noble woman, MM. I have recently come to know well the traumatization of a serious, life-threatening incident. I know our experiences are not the same, but I certainly identified with much of what you wrote. My resulting fears and traumas are not something I would feel comfortable writing about in a public forum. What I DID write about was difficult enough.
Good for you, Lady M!
Well hey there, CW! Where've you been hiding? Out for a long walk? You raise an excellent point that serious life-threatening traumas do have commonalities. I believe we all suffer -- at least temporarily -- from PTSD.
Anyway, I'm so glad we both lived through our ordeals and are here to share and find support from each other and our hubber friends! Cheers and welcome back. MM
Thanks, MM. I'm glad, too!
I haven't been gone, just trying to get a handle on this whole PTSD thing... and come out of it on top. Better than I was before. I'm determined, dammit!
It's more intimidating than I would have thought.
PTSD is something that takes time! Give yourself time CW. Love yourself and care about yourself first. Don't worry how you may think you look or feel.just give yourself permission to heal and you will do it. I just sent you some healing light to encompass your whole body.
Thank you, Lady G. Much appreciated.
I look the same and I think that helps (except for sometimes walking like I've had a couple good drinks). It's the thoughts and emotions that have been altered... ... Enhanced?
Great Hub. Very heartfelt and many people need to know about this. If this has happened to others, they need to know they are not alone and it's okay to feel the way they do. Thanks, MM.
HI LG, Thanks for the link. CW -- hope you read it and found it helpful. Heck, maybe we should start a PTSD forum (not kidding).
Thanks also RelSol1. Nice to have you here and I am glad you got something out of my experience. It is always ok to have feelings. It's what we do with them that matters...
Well MM. what are you waiting for with the forum. We can all add our hubs we wrote about out experiences.
Hi LG, I'll wait and see if Constant Walker feels like opening up about his PTSD. Mostly these days (heading into Thanksgiving) I'm more in the mood to keep it light. Speaking of which, I see you SPEED POSTED what -- about 5 YUMMY sounding recipes!
yes! I was digging in my recipes that I have on my computer and found those and posted them.
might mom...you have installed the coolest pic on the cover of your hub...By George!!! its a naked women...!!!...but wait...well...No its not!!!. pretty cute...pylos26
Hi,
You have so aptly defined rape- it is It's a crime of RAGE and POWER. It's an overpowering of a woman using sexual force as the weapon. Going by this definition, most often- rape or sexual abuse happens inside of a marriage. But society does not look at it in that way, many men think it is the moral duty or obligation of the wife to satisy their carnal needs, whether she is up to it or not. Many couples have at some point in time gone through this power play, but they will not bring it up, as it is not recognised as rape.
A woman may give in to the physical demands made by her husband, thinking she must, it is a part of marriage after all, she may have angry thoughts about the whole thing, but not be able to express it.
Friends, call me unrealistic if you want. But I refuse to even read about this terrible, Terrible act of Human Selfishness. Being abused myself as a child, I can imagine what people go through in this type or any other type of sexual abuse.
I really can't even comment much about it, all I would do is pray.
However, this hub has just inspired me to write a hub on a topic I became a pro at. That is the art of self defense, awareness and the right attitude needed so something like this can be avoided. On this topic I am well qualified.. Look out for my up and coming hub.
Peace, Love, Life, Health, Happiness.... JosephDiego
Pylos26 -- Hey, it got past the censors. I think they must see its relevance to the topic:-).
Vibhavari, you are so right. Husbands CAN rape their wives and it's not a crime. Only when the wife "snaps" from too many incidents and turns around and kills him is it a crime. Women are NOT property. But I won't go there today!
Joseph, I am really coming to cherish your strength and your attitude. I really look forward to reading your hub. Thanks for offering to share. MM
Excellent hub mightymom! This is not an easy subject to talk about, much less write about. Unfortunately, this is happening one too many times. Not only is it wrong, it is a terrible experience that woman should ever have to go thru. It is unbelievable that our society has gotten down to this demented level of morality! It is not fair that anyone should be subjected to this horrific crime.
marketingmergenow
Hi Marketingmergenow, many thanks for your thoughts. As I've said above, I wouldn't even have thought to write this if it hadn't been a request... But I agree that rape is a horrible experience. Cultures that allow it or encourage it make me really angry. I am now a big proponent of women learning self-defense...
HI MM - I followed you you today - didn't realise I'd come upon a hub that would touch me so much. I've always felt it was so wrong when the first reaction of most people was: Now what could she have done to deserve that? So cruel and callous.
You are one incredible lady!
both my best friends, my sisters and my cousin have all been raped. this is an issue of humanity, i have often taken a few moments to ponder the true depths of moral depravity one would have to stoop to in order to incur such intense psychological duress upon a fellow human being. the disturbing thing i have realized is that wretched things will go on for as long as we let them (holocaust, darfur, etc.) but the only thing stopping people from taking action is coming to full understanding of the brevity of these situations. rape is rarely spoken about and i commend you for taking this subject by the horns. nicely done.n there is a thing that people from all walks of life and race and religion need to realize- people will only do what they are taught. the problem with our society is that it shows actions without consequence, take for example, mainstream media: the formula for a hit television show is the following 1) copious amounts of flesh being shown in order to stimulate the viewers palate, 2) sexual escapades right and left 3) a plot that revolves around people living in the moment. NOW please, do not think that i am saying anyone having sex is wrong or that people cannot dress how they please, im all for it. im all for personal identity and i find that when media portrays lets say sex as a easy come easy go kinda thing, rarely stressing the need for safety precautions then i believe society has failed itself. why equip people with false realities. point being, rape is wrong and yet so many people have gone through it and some will never speak about it because they think thats that. no, we as a nation and as a world need to start addressing humanitarian issues on a scope broader than our own borders. "injustice shall shut its mouth". sorry i rambled i just care pretty deeply about this subject.
Hi Shalini! Hi Bekacowper, thank you both for your thoughtful comments. You know, I have to wonder if the cruel and callous reaction is people's way of processing something that is just too horrible for them to face.
Bekacowper, you're right (unfortunately). People do what they are taught. And what society allows them to do. And there is a horrible double standard of treatment of certain segments of the population. Rape has been around since the dawn of mankind. I would like to say we have evolved to a point where women are more higly valued, but obviously that is far from the case.
Sorry to hear about the sadness in your circle of female friends and relatives. My heart goes out to each of them. MM
You are a MIGHTY STRONG Woman. I Salute You.
Rape is a major crime and affects victim and victim's family tremendously. I am from India and here the scenario is same, but its effects are major. Sexual crime is rising here as most part of world. I think it effects most negatively than any other crime. My one friend's sister was in a local train unfortunately she was alone and got gang raped. I and mine friend were 10 years of age and we know her as a sad girl with no simile at all. We were wonders about her. But after some years my friend know the whole story and then he give his life for searching the rapists and then killed 3 of them and now he is in crime industry.
Interesting hub :) . I think that rape is done by those man that are incapable to communicate well with women and in general, therefore they don't have women in their lives and no sex. So they're sick of masturbating all the time and so they see a good momma on the street or wherever and they rape her. It's all a problem of self esteem. If a raper would have improved himself and would have solved his issues then, he would have got women in his life and as a result he would have been happy and no rapes would have been occured :D
That is not totally true! My rapist was married and had a son and his wife just gave birth to another son within that month! It has NOTHING to do with SEX or anything like that. It is strictly power over a woman to make themselves feel superior in some way.
I sure hope that you are joking and if so this is not a joking matter. I, for one, am disgusted with what you said.
Thank you DrRakesh and razvan_razvan. I am so sorry to hear that rape is a rising crime in India. That doesn't fit well with the image of women as self-sufficient. I do wonder what is causing that uptick. Your description of the sad girl who never smiled -- very poignant.
razvan_razvan. I appreciate your ideas. I do believe lack of self-esteem has to do with it. But as Lady Guenevere pointed out, it is not that rapists don't get sex from the women in their lives (even though as you point out, some may not have that healthy sexual outlet). The man who rapes has serious issues of self-control and anger against women. It is a horrific crime. And not all victims are by any stretch "hot mammas" -- grandmas can be raped, too. I also agree that happy men do not resort to rape!
Mighty Mom,
Thank you so much for baring your soul this way. I have a close friend, who I've known since she was about 11 or 12 and my husband and I would pick her up on the church bus. After knowing her for about a year, she disclosed that she was being molested by her stepfather. It lasted from the time she was 8 until she was 12.
Today, she is 27 and going through a divorce, partially because her husband could not handle the emotional after-effects of what happened to her. He was of the "get over it already" mentality and just didn't understand why certain things he would want her to do would make her uncomfortable.
She regularly comes to me for advice, and I've done my best to help her. She hasn't had therapy (though I've recommended it repeatedly) and I don't know that she ever will.
She's tried stuffing her feelings deep inside and ignoring them. That obviously hasn't worked. Now, she's at a point where she really wants to process what happened and get some healing for herself. But she's not comfortable going to a therapist.
If you could recommend only one book that would somewhat help her work through this, to get past feeling like the victim and achieve some peace and healing, what would it be? Perhaps I can get it for her as a Christmas present.
Obviously a book won't make everything better. But any steps forward for her would be a big change. Do you have any advice or recommendations?
Thanks again for sharing this. I wish every partner of a former victim would read it. God bless you.
I don't mean to cut in here but I can tell you why she doesn't want to go to counseling--because she wants to leave it in the past. Being a friend is the best thing you can do. Listen to her as many times as she talks about it--THAT is the healing. My fisrt husband was the same way as your friend's. He kep telling me to shut off the waterworks and get over it.
I would like to now what book Mighty Mom refers too.
Lady Guinevere - I'm trying to better understand so I can be of more assistance when she calls me. When you say she wants to leave it in the past - how does that mesh with needing to talk about it? When it all happened, and for several years afterward, she'd bring it up but then say it "didn't matter". She very obviously just shoved her feelings inside and tried to ignore them. Can you leave something like this in the past if you don't go through the stages of grief that Mighty Mom mentioned?
I feel at such a loss with her. I truly want to help, but feel I'm over my head a lot of the time. I know that just listening and telling her I love her and being encouraging are very helpful. And I know I'll never be able to "fix it" for her. But still, I wish I could offer more.
Anyway, thanks for "jumping in!"
When she brings it up and then says that it doesn't matter, tell her that it does and is important to wash those wounds out. Tell her she must open them up first so they can heal. It is VERY difficult to do this though because it is in this society that it is the women's fault---no matter how hard we try there will still be those who tell us otherwise. I had three clergy tell me that it was all my fault and I deserved it--so that was very hard to talk to anyone after that.
In my experience pushing it all inside eventually came out----I think of it like a volcano--you can push things so deep inside that you don't know how deep and then one day that volcano will erupt. I know that you are trying. When she calls you and want to talk try as hard as you can to tell her that she can talk about it with you and don't give her a time limit. Don't let her open up only to close so fast. Get her to talk--prompt her to talk about it.
Do you share a friend or do you have a frined that is a counselor? That may be helpful for you to get some questions answered for yourself in helping her.
There are lots of places on the internet that you can gt some help. I will try to get some for you later. I am going to be going out in a few, but will have something by tomorrow monring to post here.
Great big hugs to yu. I didn't have a freind that I could talk to and I am so glad that your friend has one.
This one has a place whare you can get answers to your questions:
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/sexual_abuse.htm
This has a nessage boards and other help:
http://www.welcometobarbados.org/friends.html
Here is another good site with symptoms and lots more information:
http://allpsych.com/journal/sexualabuse.html
This is a great site:
http://allpsych.com/journal/sexualabuse.html
Got to go will do more later. I hope this gets you started.
Hi Lisa, Hi LG, I'm just logging in sporadically today. I am so glad that LG is being of help to you -- and by extension, to your friend, Lisa. My heart goes out to her and also to you, because it's clear you are trying to do everything you can but also that you are aware of your own limits. Being a concerned friend is one level of support. But a trained counselor can help her process at a different level that we just can't get to. Even a support group specifically for victims of sexual abuse would be good for her -- at least everyone there is wrestling with the same issues. And those issues too often include the unhelpful attitudes of family, husbands, clergy, etc. who tell us the WRONG thing.
You asked me what book I would recommend. A wonderful therapist recommended to me "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It is published by Health Communications, Inc. www.hcibooks.com.
My other suggestion -- which is also included in his book, is a Twelve Step program. Not knowing if your friend is abusing alcohol or drugs, I can tell you that your description of her "stuffing" her feelings is all too familiar. The process of healing that comes with recovery is nothing short of miraculous. There are 12 Step programs for all kinds of behaviors -- I'm wondering if Al Anon, in which the participants are powerless of the actions of others (in her case, her abuser) would be appropriate.
I also hope these links helpfully provided by Lady Guinevere will offer some ideas for you. Wishing you peace, MM
wow! How courageous! to share both your tramua, and your gift of writing! Thanks!
I really like your hubs, keep it up! :)
To Mighty mom and the readers..
I said that I will write a hub on self Defense. However I was hit by something just as important, so I wrote another article first. http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-are-there-people-in-Am
And yes the topic does relate with this hub. You see in my recovery from substance abuse, one of the most important things suggested to me was, to get out of myself and help others.
And "Yes" It has helped me so much. Help other people who have gone through the same experience as you. Not only does it help the receiver but it also helps the giver, just as much or even more.
I have had a commitment at the local jail for 3 years now. This is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.. There are times when I walk out of there in tears because I am filled with such fulfillment, gratitude and a natural high that can never be reached with any drug or drink. Give it a shot, you will be surprised...
Peace, Love, Life, Health, Happiness and Lavish Abundance... JosephDiego
Hi Joseph, Sounds like you and I have been through similar experiences -- self-destruction into recovery. I so agree with you there is NOTHING like service to keep us grounded in what's real. I go to a women's recovery home every week and to the local psychiatric hospital 1x a month to bring in 12 step meetings. I really look forward to getting out of myself by giving back! I can't wait to check out your hub. Cheers and wishing you all those good things right back. MM
I just wrote a hub this morning that encompasses all this sharing too. I ti http://hubpages.com/hub/How-Have-You-Shared-Your-L
Here you go Mighty Mom..http://hubpages.com/hub/Defend-Yourself-101
Please tell me what you think. I always pray for the Gods words to flow through my fingers.. I did keep it simple...
I'm a rape survivor and I must disagree with some of what you say due to my experience. I was sixteen years old when I was beaten and raped by two strange men in their 30's. They violated and hurt me in a ways I never thought possible. I was a virgin up to this point and their actions destroyed and killed every ounce of innocence, self respect, and trust I had in the world. I dealt with my emotional trauma by partying and drinking the pain away with alcohol. This led to me being put in many situations where I was too intoxicated to control my surroundings. Out of fear I let them do what they wanted to me because it was so much easier to give myself away sexually then it was to try and fight it and be beaten and raped again. I became very promiscuous and engaged in risky behavior. It wasn't until I was raped by a co-worker at work that I had a complete mental breakdown and got myself into counseling. I'm now 23 and have been with around 35-40 men I don't even know....I hated myself so much that I was too scared to say no... I let men use me sexually and hurt me, degrade me, rape me, and well anything really. It's all so surreal it's like i soned out during it all. It took 2 yrs of rape counseling to get me to stop and deal with all my issues. I currently graduated college and am getting ready to start med school in the fall. When i'm not doing that I spend my time as an online RAINN counselor.
Dear Nikki, First let me say how deeply sorry I am to hear about your experience. But I'm very glad to hear you got counseling and are doing better. I can totally relate to numbing yourself out with alcohol -- I did that for years, too.
Thanks for commenting and showing the other side of rape's horrible aftermath. Your reaction definitely shows that promiscuity can be a response to rape just as much as going the other direction and becoming frigid.
Mostly, I'm just so happy to hear you're finally thriving in your life. Keep doing the great work you're doing. I wish you every happiness that you so truly deserve to find. MM
One of my friends have been raped by her Boss and friend and it took several months of counciling for her to be normal again. Atleast she had a supportive family, boyfriends and friends but most rape victims are not very fortunate there.
Hi Anamika. So sorry to hear about your friend. It's doubly disturbin to have the bond of trust broken with your boss. That's a total abuse of power. I am glad she is doing ok. You're right. The norm is not to get that level of support from family, boyfriends, etc. I am sending your friend a hug. MM
Wow! I just want to say that is a great hub. It is very informative. Great hub. Mighty Mom
Thanks for visiting. I sincerely hope you never have a personal need for this information. But if you do, there are many, many veterans of rape here on HP and we are happy to help if we can. Bless you. MM
If you are in a sexual relationship when the rape occurs, it may take time for you and your partner to re-establish pre-rape intimacy. Don't be surprised if your first time back in the saddle brings up a range of emotions. Be gentle with yourself.
Hi Rajan_Roy22, Thanks so much for commenting. Your gentle tone and wise advice tell me you know this situation. I think it can be devestating for the rape victim's partner, too. Gentleness and patience -- for both parties -- are essential.
i cant believe the clergy and others who say its the victims fault.i would like to kick them in the shins.please report all rapes and leave any 'date rapists' and marriage rapists a.s.a.p. Guess its not that simple,but they should pay for their crimes and we need to drag the unsympathetic out of the dark ages.maybe some males who committed rape could say why they did it,if victims could tolerate this.
I looked up the word *rape* and read this hub. It is not only brave (MAJORLY) but very insightful as it recently happened to my best friend (10 days ago).
I was thinking of writing a hub on rape but I am not so sure now.
You also have a talent for expressing yourself with words - and that is a major part of healing IMO.
Best - Melanie
P.S. I don't think *any* rape really has "a happy ending"...
just an after thought...
Melanie
Hellow Privateye2500/Melanie (I tend to use people's user names when corresponding on HP). I appreciate your reading my hub. I can only imagine what your friend is going through now, and you, as her friend. I hope my hub has provided some ideas of how best to comfort her.
So much of the victim's response and ultimate healing is tied to how she is treated by the police and the courts (if the case gets that far). Also her friends and family. It's so easy to make a horrible trauma even worse. I hope she gets rape counseling. It may not seem helpful at the time, but it does sink it. This is my experience, anyway.
I guess for me the "happy ending" was some degree of closure. Knowing the Anthony Canejo was behind bars was a huge relief. I can't imagine how I or my friend would have survived the rape knowing that the perp was still out in the city stalking others -- or possibly us again.
Best of luck to your friend and to you. MM
wow brilliant hub i can relate to this story very well, as I too was a victim
Mighty Mom in a way If I not experienced rape too,mine was very traumatic,but if I hadnt I would not have been able to fully understand what you have been through.You have described this crime with a true writer's heart and I admire you for telling this story.
Well I now raise a glass of champagne for us two girls,because looking at you,I am inspired,I love u to death,your wit and vitality. Our celebration is, even though this happened to us, look at us now, moving on,shaking our groove thing, going on with life,plotting a scandulous story yeaaa.
If you are in a sexual relationship when the rape occurs, get out asap
Rapists are animals, not men. I would recommend euthunasia for them.
Thankyou for writing about this hub. Your hub is really great and wonderful, I really appreciate the way how you had portrait everything.
forget the past and facing the bright future.
this is good stuff. It is so right on. It's good for people to have a place to go and read up on what to expect after rape! thank you
Hi Kim, Thanks for visiting. I hope rape never occurs to anyone you know. But if it does, I hope that person gets appropriate counseling. And has supportive friends. That makes a big difference. MM
Sad story. I have published for the first time a rape story about my patient. You may want to see http://hubpages.com/hub/Nursing-Story-Would-You-Su
Hi Greggy. I appreciate your taking the time to visit. I don't think my story is sad. I think it is triumphant -- but many other rape victims' stories don't end as happily.
I will check out your hub. This is a topic that interests me. Thanks. MM
This Is Very Good Writing and We The People Should Think About This
Nice hub Mighty Mom. It took a very strong person with a lot of courage to write this hub. I commend you.
I was raped a year ago by a stranger, my whole life fell apart just after, i was terrified to go out side the door for three months, i lost my job, I couldn't possibly work, missed mortgage repayments and nearly lost my home. The relationship with my partner fell apart within 2 months. It has been the toughest year of my life. I did go for emergency crisis councilling, which helped somewhat. But now i find myself needing to rebuild my life and my self esteem and confidence is at rock bottom. any ideas how to rebuild self esteem and confidence, before the event, I never had a problem with these, was a very outgoing person, that enjoyed life.
i am starting to see men now again, but find i need to see more than one, which is i know is some sort of protection thing. its like a defence mechanism to keep from true intimacy with one man, I'm seeing three men, and sleeping with them, which i didn't do before, which is leading to a reall feeling of loss of identity.
Hello Luna. I am sorry I was not on HP yesterday when you commented. Let me start by saying how very sorry I am to year of your rape experience. Each of us wears our devestation slightly differently. Sounds like you have had a really hard year but things are looking up.
I am not a professional counselor -- but I hope you are able to get some follow-up counseling, as the 1 year anniversary can be really, really challenging.
One things that can help regain self-esteem is to take up a physical challenge or hobby. A kick-boxing class, self-defense class, karate, etc. Or anything you are interested in. Self-esteem can come from any number of areas. Volunteering your time is a great way to get out of self and realize that as tough as things are in your life others have it worse (I use this one still).
Another way to regain self-esteem is on the job front. Excelling in your chosen profession can help you regain a sense of self confidence.
Self-esteem from relationships is secondary at best. Feel good about who YOU are independent of any men or sex. But what you are doing by seeing/sleeping with 3 men at once makes perfect sense to me. And it is a way to regain control of your sex life. Yes, it's a defense mechanism. But is that really a bad thing? When you feel ready -- and feel trusting of your partner -- you'll let love in again. I wish you all the best and will put you in my prayers. MM
Hi MM,
Many thanks for your kind reply, I do understand the need for some more follow up councilling and rang to organise an appointment today, As i see a definite pattern of binge drinking and getting angry and lashing out at people closest to me. I know its all self destruct behaviour, so for my own sake now have decided I need to try and find other coping mechanisms for now at least. Thats interesting about the kickboxing etc, something i've never really thought about getting into but may look into it.
In an other way I have some work coming up and I think at the moment that will be the best thing, as I think there is a certain frustration from the complete loss of control over my life since the event.
So hopefully lifes will pick up as i things are getting a little better and more positive.
Thanks for your help and kind words, its great to have a site like this xx
MM
I do hope sometime soon I will be able to copy your positive attitude, its great.... but for now, whats it they say baby steps.
Hello Luna,
Your coping pattern sounds oh so familiar. I did the binge drinking/revenge f-ing also. Wasn't really even aware I was doing it as a self-destructive pattern, but in hindsight...
Yes, throwing yourself into your work -- ANYTHING that you associate with positive self-esteem -- is a good choice. When we feel helpless in one area of life it's good to have another area where we can focus our energy.
As for being able to copy my positive attitude. LOL. My rape was in 1985. If I wasn't "over it" by now I'd probably be dead! By the way, a HUGE contributor to my healing was that the perp went to jail. That helped a lot.
This hub really touched my heart.....thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much Vshining! Hope you never have to endure the trauma of rape. MM
Thats just it hon, in one way part of me is ready to let go and move on cause lets face it, no one likes dealing with emotional pain, of any sort..... but in another way wiith the legal system taking up to two years,,, there is a certain element of awaiting justice, and until thats done there seems to be no closure. xxxx
Hello Luna dear.
This is the essential dilemma. Should you work on moving on now or sit in a holding pattern until the trial? Seems like pain avoidance is a strong motive for you. And since there is no guarantee of "closure" (or even justice) through the legal system, you could be stewing in yucky feelings basically for naught.
I will share with you an experience a really good friend of mine had. Her son-in-law and infant grandson were shot to death. No one came forward. No leads. No one would say what they knew. Basically, there was no justice and probably never will be. Or maybe if there is it won't be coming for years if not decades.
My friend reacted very differently than the rest of the family. The other family members, including her husband and daughter (stepdaughter, actually) became frozen in victim mode. Without vengeance or justice, they simply could not move on. My friend, however, went in a different direction. She knew she had to process her grief for herself -- it didn't matter if the culprits were identified, caught or prosecuted. It simply did not matter to her.
She turned the whole thing over to her God. She knew God had a plan and she didn't have to like it, but to heal, she had to accept it. She became even more spiritual and as a result, he is calm and serene today whereas her husband is a basket case.
So if you can, keep moving forward in your healing NOW. Holding out for that closure is just prolonging your victimhood. Victory may or may not come (although I sincerely hope it does). Either way, by the time the legal system catches up with you, you'll be well on your way to being "over it." rather than participating in a trial still feeling vulnerable and like a victim.
The phenomenon of taking back one's power after a crime is not unique to rape victims. I don't know where you live but perhaps there is a victim assistance program available through your police or court system.
Good luck. And please keep me posted as you get stronger! Hugs. MM
hi ich bin adeeli ich lebe im deutschland adeel_aea_yaro@yahoo.commm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Many thanks for that inspiring message XXXXX
adeeli -- I don't speak German, so since I wasn't entirely sure what your comment said (is it "My name is adeeli and I live in Germany"?) I decided to accept it. And thank you for visiting.
Luna -- good to see you, hon. Hope you are doing well. Been thinking of ya. MM
xxxxxxxxxx thanks hon xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey Luna! Good to see you. Thanks for the kisses. Right back atcha. Be strong. You ARE strong! Hugs, Mm
thanks Mighty M.
i happened to have googled my way to your post, seeking coping assistance. and have spent the entire day on the post and the comments.
we were very new into the relationship. my girlfriend was going out to meet a male-friend of hers with who she'd watched a movie the previous evening. i stayed in, dealing with inane work.
she called up at 9 enquiring about my dinner plans. i asked where she was, & learnt she was at the guy's pad, i joked about it, and asked her to go ahead with her earlier dinner plans with the guy, or join me, eitherways.
she got back at 11, asked about my day and work etc. and for the next hour or so didn't talk to me about HER DAY.
i was thinking about the obvious-es & the not-so-obviouses, till she broke it to me, in terms i again misread - 'coz she said "he was too strong for me".
and i thought this was her way of telling me of her attraction for him ("strong"). a moment later she broke-down, having meant he'd overpowered her, and raped her.
at some point in the night she fell asleep like a doll, hugging my arm against herself. i stayed up the whole night, sick with anger.
and spent the next day not having a clue if talking about it was a good idea or bad. my girlfriend alternated between going completely silent (mostly), and suddenly talking about it revealing painful details (she was technically a virgin at the time, hymen-wise, and bled painfully).
she was sure about not wanting to report it, because of her family, and the inevitable blame of 'having invited the misery' that would come along with it. she nevertheless suffered blaming herself for the whole thing, while i kept privately blaming myself for not acting on THAT 9 pm call.
she's back with her folks now who're in a different city than mine.
not before us making love, afterdays of the incident.
when she seemed to be all into it, and then suddenly announced that her hymen's been finally broken-into - resulting in her breaking into, and reducing me to, tears.
on another such occasion, she just couldn't go through the whole love-making thing she excitedly initiated, telling me of what really happened, in terms that wasn't spoken earlier.
the rapist did his raping because he seems to have been sure he could get away with it. seems like he already has, on serial occasions.
makes me sick to think of it.
it does hurt to imagine what she must be going through when as her partner at the time's (few days ago) been spending a considerable amount of his time at the local bar.
as reiterated in your post, nobody comes prepared for a violation of this sort, and it kills me to remember the times my buddies & i, growing up, traversed distances in pursuit of 'scoring'.
and i don't know what to do now.
i want to experience the boisterous laughter that my girlfriend inflicted me with. i want to hear her laugh, always, as she used to, in copious amounts.
Dear Missed Takeoff. First, let me say how very sorry I am to read of your girlfriend's experience and YOURS. We don't often hear about the impact of a rape on the partner. You have written so poignantly about how devestating it is on both the victim and her man.
The most often occurring thoughts in any rape are "coulda, shoulda, woulda." If ONLY she had done something different then the rape would have been avoided. If only YOU had insisted she come to dinner. If only, if only.
The fact is, it happened.
Date rape in many ways is more difficult to grapple with because the victim DOES feel a sense of the blame. I was date raped years before my stranger rape. I also chose not to say anything. Even at the tender age of 18 I knew it would be a he said/she said battle.
I am glad to see you are not blaming your girlfriend.
Sad situation.
I hope you both get some counseling.
You're doing a great job trying to understand.
And being patient with her -- sex afterwards can be extremely hard.
I send you my prayers and good luck. MM
thanks very much Mighty Mom. glad i spoke to you here.
I rarely respond to posts of this nature, but today I will. Thank you for your honest Hub. It is hard for a rape "victim" >hate the word victim< to assimilate back into a life... not to mention a sexual one (especially if you were, are, or will become romantically involved). Rape is different for every person who was victimized. It is a life long struggle to remember who we are is not a result of the attack, but who we are is why we survived.
Dear LM, I appreciate you reading my hub and commenting. What you say is absolutely true. I LOVE your last sentence. What a great way to get past the victim label and reclaim our strength. I hope rape counselors everywhere are using that line, because it's the most empowering I've heard. Many thanks for sharing it! And glad to know you are healing. Please consider writing about it -- it's quite cathartic. MM
Have been traumatised by the onset of physical intimacy from males since I can remember, dating back to before I ever actually knowingly had anything sexual with anyone. I've heard of scenarios where victims of abuse block things completely from their memories as a defense mechanism, but I honestly dont remember anything happening to me in my early years that should explain this thing =(
It became intense when I was about 15, riding on the bus to school, where I'd sit there and in calculating concentration imagine pulling my vagina, uterus, ovaries, breasts out of my body and throwing them out the window. Every day. I've always had guy friends, i have three brothers, and was a 'tag-along' with my older brother and his pals. I only ever felt comfortable if regarded as 'one of the guys' and felt physically sick and had trembles and shivvering fits and shakes if a guy ever admitted 'liking me'. I'd then avoid them, and fear them. It was odd, because I had massive crushes on guys at school, but always from a 'safe' distance. Even these boys, if they ever displayed an interest, were shunned and feared.
One day I was essentially 'date-raped' by one of the big brother's mates, had been over to just watch a movie, then he'd rolled over onto me and the sex had pretty much happened to me. I was in shock and couldn't stop it for some reason, and just bawled my eyes out afterwards, while he gave me an awkward hug (probably confused) feeling like some *thing*, not a person at all. Something he'd used.
Many other similar feeling scenarios followed. Feeling confused into events, and unable to slam on any breaks, feeling like i must have lead things to 'here', so who was i to tell them no suddenly, and hurt their feelings or make them angry. I've always been a 'blokey' chick, totally able to have conversations and make dirty jokes and be ribald and robust around them, and feel betrayed by the very fact that im a female with an attractive body when they want to have sex with me.
Like I stop being a person, and just become a *thing*...
Wow, all coming out here. Fingers shaking on the keys, think I have PTSD, just read an article on it, and it has shed a little light on my life till now, with my reactions.
I can't be promiscuous, in response to the discussion above. I've given it a try, thinking about it during the day and being intrigued by the freedom and power it seems to represent, and hip-hoppy songs about it make it sound glamorously assertive, but when the actual event has come up, the trembling and shakes and fear has happened. Happy to say that recently, I have said no. Felt like a huge victory. You see, when a guy clambers over me, and i know he's not thinking of me in a loving and emtionally caring or intimate way, but in the *thing* way i tried to describe, I'm instantly repulsed, and retreat. I'm in no way engaged in the event from then on, in the past having to retreat into a place in my head where I'll be safe til it's over and i can do the whole scalding shwoer and skin scrubbing and sobbing thing.
I. Am. Fucked. Up. Cervical smears, even when done with the smallest thing the nurses have, is so painful I cry, because I tense so much down there at the intrusion. "relax" is something i cant; just tell my body to do.
I've had one relationship where I felt like I'd healed, because the guy was young, and a virgin, and full of idealised love and devotion, and I felt like his sun. He was gentle and extremely careful and caring. He helped me through all the past, I told him everything I could remember, and he was very gentle.
4 years later, he'd cheated on me twice and tossed me aside eventually for a girl who liked it up the arse, and scathingly told me I was the worst thing that had ever happened in his life. After the first time he cheated on me, I spent a whole year begging him to be with me again, and he was with me, just constantly rolling away when i tried to be intimate and saying he 'didnt feel like it' anymore.
A year after he's gone, I am trying to move on, but the shakes are back, and i have had to fight huge anxiety attacks just around the fear of seeing him again, and falling to bits. He left me in tears and suicidal, but he was the only "okay" time I'd ever had with a guy. Guys since then have been pulled away from either before sex has occurred, or during, and shunned. One guy was suprisingly patient when we met in a park for sex (how is that for promiscuous) and I burst into tears and shook. He just waited til i was okay, and didnt mind when i called a halt half way through. He was okay talking about it, and seemed caring. I reacted badly to a later sexual go with him, where he just rolled over after getting his and fell asleep. I felt like the *thing* again, and kicked him out. Apologised later, but he wasn't interested after that. can't blame him.
I'm exhausted. there's a side of me that knows somehow I can be okay and happy with a guy, but it will be such a tenuous thing. A prefectly nice guy I've been chatting to at the gym tonight just suggested a hint of something like cooking me a decent meal, and I ended up freaking out because of my reaction on the way home, irrational fear-crying like in school.
What's wrong with me... Wow, my own small novel, right here. Sorry for taking up such a big space. Just felt so good getting it out.
I hope i can heal some day, from whatever it is that triggered all this. To be honest, I just crave someone to hold me, with nothing sexual, when I'm lonely, and not ask anything of me in that area, just to hold me.
My love and support to anyone who has any form of sexual trauma in their lives. One day we will be butterflies...
xoxoxox
Dear Squirrel,
As I read line by line through your comment I kept saying to myself, "Oh no, that's not right!" and "How awful for her."
I am not a trained psychologist, just a woman who's been through a lot in her life and takes the time to be around others whose life experiences are not always Betty Crocker cakes and white picket fencesa
It's clear you have some major trauma going on. PTSD sounds like just the tip of the iceberg. Panic attacks at the thought of sexual contact. Severe difficulty forming attachments.
Everything you desire in life -- a compassionate mate to hold you and love you and eventually, when you feel safe, have a mutually gratifying sex life -- those are all normal things that we all deserve.
It sounds to me like you recognize that something very traumatic has caused this reaction pattern but don't know what it is. Regardless of the cause, you need to get the symptoms treated. It's painful even to read about your experiences with boys/men. You deserve so much more!
You can become the butterfly you are meant to be much sooner if you get some professional help. Right now you are hiding in your dark cocoon waiting for the transformation to occur naturally. It more than likely will not.
Do you feel comfortable getting some therapy?
As for the guy at the gym. Hooray! You do know -- I hope -- that you can accept a nice home-cooked meal and not have an obligation to do anything sexual with him. People can and do take relationships slowly. Get to know him as a person and see if he's someone you enjoy spending time with. For long-term relationships that is a much saner approach than hopping into the sack all lusty and starry-eyed anyway!
Good luck, my dear. You are on my prayer list. MM
(((Squirrel)))
Hi MM:
I was raped in April. It's been difficult getting back into a normal way of life after.
I'm married, and our first anniversary will be this September. The night the rape happened started out as a normal night at home, my spouse was at work and I was at home. I felt a little tired after getting the housework done and lay done to take a nap..this was about 10PM and my spouse gets home around 11.
Not long after, I hadn't even fallen asleep yet, I heard footsteps come into the room. I assumed, mistakenly, that I had fallen asleep and the my spouse had come home. By the time the person was standing next to the bed, I realized, too late, that it wasn't anyone with good intentions. I started to sit up and the next thing I remember, is seeing a flash and having a horrible pain in my head.
I woke up just before my spouse got home, feeling pain in other areas than my head.
Luckily my spouse was supportive. We chose not to take the morning after pill and let things happen if they were to happen. My mother, who lives a long way away, was very supportive through phone calls and email. I feel lucky that I was unconscious for the rape, it could have been much worse if I remembered it. I did get pregnant, but miscarried.
I've found that I react more quickly since, and I get angry and argumentative quicker. For the first couple months sex was out of the question, but I've gotten back to an almost normal reaction to intimacy again. Being married helps this, I think.
The police have no idea who did it, they think it was an opportunistic robbery gone wrong. There weren't any signs of breaking in, but a window was open, and I suspect that I may not have closed it all the way before laying down...it is a hard window to close so now if it has been open, I slam it shut and lock it instead of just sliding it shut.
This is the first time I've told anyone except my spouse, my mother, and two of my best friends what happened. I don't consider myself a "victim," I'm just a woman who had an unfortunate experience, and is recovering from it.
Suiiki, I'm truly sorry to hear about your story. It is a huge violation to have someone come in through the window. That's how it happened for me, too.
I give you props for how you are handling this. Not labeling yourself a victim is huge. That will help you heal so much faster! Glad you and your lovely spouse are able to be intimate again, too!
BTW, I hope the police did a thorough investigation including fingerprints, a rape kit to run DNA through the lab, etc. Saying, "We have no clue" isn't a very good answer. Whoever did this could do it again.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Very courageous. Wishing you strength and serenity. MM
Thanks MM, i think i'll go back to the nice big powerful Maori lady who helped me through some stuff last year. She was awesome in helping me deal with the aftershock and distress of the cheating and the dumping from my ex, and I think she'll be a good person to help me deal with this, now that I'm waking up to it and what it's doing. She awakened in me some pride in being a woman. Maybe that's a good start.
Another thing that has plagued me is sexually explicit and distressing dreams, since very young. Sometimes the dreams have been of family members. Sometimes it has been of me being promiscuous and revelling in it, only to wake up and feel horrified and loathing. In the dreams i can actually FEEL sex, and my body reacts to it in a hungry way, and sometimes I've woken up all warm, like I've orgasmed. This is all followed by shame and disgust at my body and my subconscious. My mum once mentioned hypnotism or some other such thing to try and uncover possibly blocked or buried memories, to try and figure it out, what might have started it. Do you know of any people this has worked for?
Part of me is scared of what i might find...
I seem to have an aversion for 'older' guys, that I've felt all along, like they were more threatening. People's dad's would creep me out sometimes. I can remember incidences where I noticed men looking at me, and it always frightened me, where young guys, or guys younger than me, didn't have the same effect.
This may explain why most of my willing encounters, though they haven't lasted, have been with guys younger than me. They don't threaten me so much, for some reason. I have never been with a guy physically taller or much heavier than me either... I wonder if this is a safety mechanism.
So much to figure out now. I am frustrated, because in the light of day, when I meet people and there's just flirting and chatting, or texting and joking, it all seems fairly simple and fun and something good, and i look forward to more... it turns to custard at crunch-time though. It's hard to imagine it being that bad, til I'm there and am dealing with it =/
lafndlgknaoerngvna;wehog...
squirrel
Hey Squirrel,
Lots here -- to much to respond to this minute as I'm off to a business meeting. However, I must say you seem to have quite a good sense of self. More self-awareness than 99% of the people I know. From what you describe it's entirely possible there is abuse in your past. The question is, do you want to confront your possible demons and get through them? Or can you live with the way your sex life is now? We have all been hurt and disappointed in love. Cheating and leaving is rough -- but minor compared to the rest of what you've been through. Consciously or unconsciously I think you -- like the rest of us -- are seeking out sex partners who are non-threatening. That only makes sense.
But at the same time, there is ALWAYS a personal risk to letting someone become intimate with us. Do you feel your internal temperature taker/character judger is working well for you or needs a tuneup? Maybe you can learn to attract a different kind of person to you so you will feel safer.
Meanwhile, I would be thrilled to have a Maori woman advising me! That's so cool. Good luck and big hugs to you:
(((Squirrel))) MM
My little sister is a rape victim. That's how she lost her virginity at the age of 15. She had a steady boyfriend for 3 years after that. After they broke up she was raped again...this time by two men. She never reported it and no one was prosecuted. But she knows who they are. It has very adversely affected her sex life but to the other extreme of being extremely promiscuous. She has ongoing post traumatic stress disorder and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and they added a new diagnosis yesterday: cyclothymic disorder. All of these disorders stem from the two separate rape occurences and their lack of treatment. Back to the promiscuity...she is not the same person she was before the rapes. Obviously not the first one since she had never had sex before that. But she calls me every day and tells me of her various exploits with men. Its unhealthy and I wish I knew how to help her. I have never been sexually assaulted so I don't even know where to begin. She has seen counselors for years and none of it really seems to help. Does anyone have any advice in dealing with this. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for this.
Kimberly.
Hi Emma,
One of the hardest things to accept about rape is you don't get immunity -- lightning can strike twice, as it did with your sister. So sorry to hear about her two traumas.
YOu say she has seen counselors and it does no good. Given her mental health diagnoses, I hope she is seeing a good PSYCHIATRIST who can prescribe appropriate drugs to help stabilize her moods. If she could get her cyclothymic disorder under control the promiscuity might taper off, too. I do know that promiscuity is also one of the symptoms of bipolar (cyclothymic disorder is a milder form of bipolar). So what I'm saying is this: It's possible that these underlying mental health issues were already in play before the rapes (or at least the second one).
You are a caring sister and I wish I had better answers for you. Your sister is obviously in a ton of pain.
I hope she gets to see a good psychiatrist (it's essential it be a psychiatrist because they understand brain chemistry and can concoct the right cocktail for your sister's symptoms). Good luck!
Kimberly -- Thank you for reading! MM
thanks for posting this article I have been a victims of sexual abuse and rape as a child at the hand of my brothers I wrote about my experiences and the emotional turmoil that i went through in my book Crossover to Healing... you can view a couple of excerpts at crossover to healing dot com
Angela, I am so very sorry to hear about your childhood experience. I have a good friend who had a similar situation. It takes incredible strength and courage to get through it.
Would it be ok with you if I posted a link from your website to this hub? Hugs to you, beautiful woman. MM
Thank you for sharing. I was a victim of abuse growing up emotional, physical and after mom divorced my dad and got a new boyfriend it turned into sexual abuse. He was the one who actually took my virginity at the age of 12, then 5 months after that I was raped by one of my best friends whom I looked up to like a big brother.
I've had to deal with lots of emotional healing through the years because, somehow I was marked so to speak. When my mother left her boyfriend, I was happy and sad at the same time (I know people think that's weird), my therapists have all told me that's because what he gave me was a false sense of love and self-esteem. Then in high school I was raped twice, both times were at social events. I tried to not let these experiences hinder my social outings.
I got married young (19 years old), to a man I thought was wonderful until we had been married for a year, then he wanted me to do things I wasn't into doing and he would do things to me while I was sleeping and get angry at me when I woke up and pushed him away freaking out. Needless to say I'm not married to him any longer, but that put a lot of fear of men into me.
I was alone for six years after him and thought I'd never be able to trust another man in my entire life. I'm happy to say that wasn't the case and I've found a man who is amazing and has been helping me grow and helps me through the emotions I still go through whenever he and I are intimate. It's not every time but there are times where I just burst out into tears and cry uncontrollably.
I do fear that he'll grow tired of it sometimes and it makes me not want to be intimate with him as much but, he does reassure me that he loves me and it's every part of me and he's here to help me get through things like this. It makes me feel good that I've got him in my life, there are good guys out there that can be understanding and loving :)
JWeber, your story brings out a mix of emotions. Although it is your unique story, this kind of ritual abuse occurs all too often. And can ruin a woman's self-esteem. I'm so glad you got help and mostly that you have a wonderful, supportive man in your life now.
You have given an outline of so many incredible episodes. I hope you will share details with us here. Writing about our demons really helps to tame them. I would love to read more about how you coped with the abuse and the rapes and your mixed feelings about the man (I understand that totally).
Again, welcome here to HP. Hugs, MM
Well written on a very difficult subject. It helped many to express their suppressed feelings and I hope some healing took place. Rape is indeed a shame on this civilized society. And its a weakness on Govt part. There should be death sentence for a proved rape case. Not less than DEATH Sentence. Hanging in public view. I dont know why women are not pressurizing their Govt. for a death sentence for the rapists.
Hello Mighty Mom,
First off I would like to commend you on your bravery! The reason why I wanted to post a comment is because I believe it was my husband who submitted the question "Do rape victims become promiscuious after being raped?" He has a real issue with wanting me to tell him every second in detail about every sexual experience I ever had in my past before him and for the last year and a half our lives have revolved around this issue, literally 24/7. It has starterd to take it's toll on both of us and he insists on asking me the same questions over and over again. He knows about my rape and he is kind enough not to push the issue there, however everything I tell him in regards to my past sexual experiences he doesn't believe me and I am now a liar about every little thing. Him pressing the issue has made me lie to him only because I am trying to protect myself and get him to stop accusing me of lieing when I'm telling him the truth. He believes so intensly that what ever he thinks is the truth that he won't back down until I basically agree with him and tell him the lies he has created and believes is the truth. Hell, he's even gottan me to believe some of his ideas as to what the truth is even though i know deep down inside they are lies. He's even gone so far as to have me take a polygraoh test on the internet that is based on vibrations in the voice, which I think is a cheap internet scam but he believes it when it says I'm lieing. Every time he asks me another question I automatically get stressed out and irate, simply because this has gone on now every second of every day for a yesr and a half.
When I was 18 years old I was more than brutally raped, I was basically murdered by 6 assailants. It wasn't the rape that I had trouble coping with the most and please no body take offense to that, it's just that on top of being raped I was drugged with something that resembles truth serum and was aware of everything that was happening but was unable to move to fight off my attackers. Believe it or not, this wasn't the worst part of it. I was pregnant at the time and my 6 rapists were part of some cult that literally took my baby from me for some sick human sacrifice type of ritual. I'm not sure if you can understand what it feels like to watch someone taking your child and doing the things that they did and being completely helpless in protecting that child, but I think that you all might be able to meet with me on some level with this because being raped sometimes is like taking the child that you are away.
Needless to say I for about 1 year secluded myself to my bedroom and freaked out anytime anyone came within 10 feet of me. But then the fear went away and the numbness kicked in.. The feeling that no one was ever going to want me after this had happened and I just didn't care anymore about myself and I became a little promiscuious. This lasted for a year or more of which I really honestly can't recall much of anything during that time period. Then again I would go into a state of not wanting to be touched at all.
More recently I had a daughter pass away from leukemia in 2003 and again it was like I didn't exist. I was here physically but not at all in any sense spiritually and became promiscuious again. I was a single mom of 3 at the age of 22 and I feel that maybe I was just looking for love in all the wrong places until I met my husband. Coping with my daughters death alone was very difficult for me. I admit I have made many mistakes in my past but I feel like alot of those mistakes are due to my rape and the trauma of losing my daughter to leukemia. I don't agree with a lot of the things I may have done in my past and I am deffinitely not proud of them but is it so hard for him to understand that dragging up all of my past sexual experiences is making me relive the trauma of all that I have been through and it's not easy for me to answer all of his questions especially since I can't answer them because I honestly can't remember? Is it fair to me or right of him to push the issue when I'm not real comfortable discussing my past sexual experiences? Your advice would be much appreciated.
I think you are a strong, one of the strongest, women there is and you have a beautiful and kind spirit that will help many women heal from their rape experiences. I wish you all the happiness in the world and may God truly bless you!!!!!
Angel In Disguise
(Please excuse any spelling errors, as I was typing all sorts of feelings begin to erupt and I know I probably made many mistakes.)
Dear Angelindisguise. My heart goes out to both you and your husband. You have endured more trauma than most people ever see in a lifetime. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. But totally get your emotional reaction. Numbness is a protection from too much pain.
But it sounds like you have a long, long history of dealing with more than your share of horrible things.
I hope -- and I don't mean for this to sound trite -- that you have gotten some counseling.
I also hope you will -- if you feel strong enough -- write about some parts of your life experience here. I have found it very therapeutic and know other hubbers who have also.
God bless you.
MM
P.S. Your husband sounds like he could use some reassurance also and I don't think it can come from you. Has he talked to anyone about trust issues? Paranoia? Controlling behavior?
hi MM,
i read your post and i identify with a few of the symptoms..to begin with i wouldn't like to call myself a victim,just someone whose trust was violated.. i was raped by a friend of mine, though we had not known each other for long but had spent some time together. It happened a nfe months ago and that time i had just got into a new relationship. My boyfriend was busy so i decided to catch up with this friend.. earlier too he had tried to flirt but i had told him no uncertain terms that i was involved with someone else...it was like just another normal day....i really enjoyed his company...and as usual we were laughing and joking... he had a thing to make others laugh...i guess that's we were friends...when it started i told him to stop but it never did... i was scared as he is a very big man n though i am no midget i just couldn't make him stop...i remember at a point i even told him he was raping me but that didn't seem to effect him...i was new in the city and didn't know my way around...i had to depend on him to drop me back as my boyfriend at that time was busy....and i dont think i wanted to narrate it on the phone...on the way he even asked me if i didn't enjoy it at all...and later profusely apologised saying he had lost it at that time... even after dropping me at my boyfriend's place he had the audacity to wait in his car...telling me to ask my boyfriend if i can stay the night with him or not...i just couldn't wait to put as much distance between us as i physically could....i couldn't tell my boyfriend immediately as his mother was visiting in the meantime he kept texting me to go with him...well i didn't respond to any of it....
Later when i told my boyfriend he didn't know what to say... he just asked me to take some action for it...but i live in India...the system here is screwed up....more than help it would have made it worse....and my family ....i dont know how my family would have reacted to it...most probably saying i brought this upon myself...and i was at a place i wasn't even supposed to be....so i didn't do anything...i just let it be.....
And to say my boyfriend has been a great support is no small thing....i just went silent (my trademark)after giving him just the little details...as little as possible...i remeber next few days as very silent ...i wouldn't talk...i couldn't sleep well....i had nightmares of someone grabbing me....i just went around like a zombie....and sex for the first time after this incident....i dont know why but i just couldn't do it....
i had my boyfriend worried for a while there...i guess he was waiting for me to break-down or something...but neither did that come....for a very long time i couldn't talk about it but slowly after a lot of persuasion and subtle side comments from my boyfriend i told him all about it in a span of a couple of months....
i tell him that i ain't traumatised by it....i do believe i ain't...there was no physical abuse....though my boyfriend says he is traumatised by the incident....
i guess my way of dealing with it was just pushing it in the farthest most corner of my subconscience and not think about it....i am very good with it i guess...i have tried it with a lot of things and i have been fine....but my boyfriend says that i shouldn't do that as someday out of the blue it might hit me and hit me bad....but it hasn't till now...and i am back to living the way i did before...just that i dont trust so easy now....
i guess if i needed some medicine for it, it was my boyfriend who did the work....he brought up the incident a few days back saying that i should do something about it...but i dont want to...i just want to forget about it and live my life with him....
Hi M, So sorry to hear about your experience. So-called "date rape" can be even more difficult than stranger rape. In your heart I know you know that you did NOTHING wrong and nothing to cause this. But, given your cultural situation and the extreme difficulty of "proving" your case, I think(and I hate to say this) you are probably wise to not try to press charges.
Your boyfriend is very wise and you should listen to him. If you aren't up for therapy, at least get some books on surviving rape. I will try to get some recommendations and add them as links here.Good luck.
But really, don't think that just because you haven't broken down now it means you are "overit." You are not. Trust me.I was also date raped -- years earlier than my "real" rape. MM
Hi MM,
I wouls really appreciate those links. I know i didn't do anything to bring it upon myself but still thinking about the incidents which led to it i believe maybe i could have done things differently and avoided the whole incident. You are right in saying i am not up for therapy, but do you really think i am not over it and as my boyfriend says it will come back to haunt me?? And yes one more thing, when you say my boyfriend is right and i should listen to him, in what exact context do you mean it?
Hello again M, I have added some recovery resources below, including a really good site with many 'chat rooms' for various people involved in rape. If you don't want to go for traditional counseling perhaps you would feel comfortable talking online (?).
I of course don't know you personally so only you know what tactics will work for you in coping with the aftermath of your experience. The thing is, it DID happen. And processing that with people you trust and feel safe with (e.g., your boyfriend,perhaps female friends) helps take the power out of it. Writing about it also helps -- why not write a hub of your own about how it felt to be betrayed that way by a man you thought was a friend?
It sounds like he just could not take your rejection of his romantic advances and took his frustration out on you by overpowering you. Gotta wonder what kind of boyfriend he would have made had you not already had one!???
I am glad you're safe and I wish you and your boyfriend much closeness in your relationship.
Good luck! MM
Thank you for everything MM.I am glad i spoke to you here.And incidentally while i was going through the previous posts i came across one that sounds uncannily like my own experience but said through my boyfriend.I believe he did write here at the time when it happened.I am doing it much later as it takes me time to get to it.Though i kinda knew what he must have been going through, its a revelation to read it here, that he went through the process of googling and everything.
About writing about my experience, i dont know.I have my anonymous blog and can write about it.I dont know much about hubpages as i had myself googled my way to your post.I guess i can figure it out and if i feel upto it,just do it.And yes its easier for me to chat online.Thank you for all the links and help.And everything.
Godbless.
M
God Bless to you and your boyfriend, M. I'm so glad you found my hub. Always here if you feel like coming back for another hug. Best of luck.
And don't let that sick man steal your joy. He's sick. You are beautiful! MM
Thanks
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, but I'm glad you didn't let it defeat you. Rape is such a sick and cowardly crime in my eyes, I think it should be punishable by death.
Tamarii2,Thank you for visiting.
MistHaven.It is a sick and cowardly crime. To me,the worst part is that so few rapists don't even get caught!
Great Hub!Thanks for sharing. Good information.
Okay this really hit home for me.... I really think that when I was raped in my teen years it made me more promiscious, definitely. I had just lost my virginity a few months before and was hurt because he just used me and left and it really messed me up inside for a long time. Not only did I feel used but I felt cheap. I confided in someone who then in turn blabbed to the entire school, it was bad enough that I was given a bad reputation when my friends found out I lost my virginity. Everyone looked at me like a skank and by that time, I said "What the hell, why not!"....so I started dressing hoochie and doing my makeup all wild and going out and partying all night....it was all a disguise of the hurt little girl I was inside....just hungering for love. And I ended up looking for that closeness with older men which I guess made me look even worse. Its really a sad thing when someone is hurt by a man that you willingly give yourself to, and its even worse when you are raped by a man you didn't want. I thought of sex as something to "DO" not as an act of affection or love for someone since I had been hurt so bad inside. It took a long time for me to readjust my mind into combining love with sex again. I am happy that I met Tony later when I was 19..he really showed me love and that I was worth everything and never to settle for less again! Thank you for this hub!
Aw,sweetie. That story is very sad. You should write a screenplay about your life. It would make a great movie.
It amazes me how much strength you have gained in your life. And how giving you are. The whole story you just wrote here would make a good hub, too.
Love ya, Chica. MM
love ya too Chica!~ thank you I should compile it all into a book huh! Thanks so much for the encouragment. Maybe I will make a hub about it! You are a wonderful friend! =)
Right back atcha, Chica. You are a treasure in my life. MM
Hi I'm 18 and I need some help. I was sexually abused by my grandmother's boyfriend for a while when I was around 7 and again by the next door neighbor a couple years after, also for a while. I've had relationships that went on for a few years when I was in high school, but I never had sex because, frankly, it was on the top of my Never-To-Do-List. I had no problems being intimate, per say, like making out or even goin around a few bases, but never sex. I'm just wondering what advice you'd give me now that I'm in college and obviously have to get into that are of exploration. I don't mind the idea, I actually think it would be pleasurable, I simply find myself hyper aware of everything he does and totally uncomfortable and turned off as soon as he makes a move to go below the border. And I've never had therapy or any of that. I'd appreciate it you sent a copy of your reply to futurelibkeeper@aol.com--just so I know when you answer. Thanks so much! I appreciate it!
I have created an account..I'm Heather lol...so you can just respond here...tank yous.
Hey there Heather (or futurelibkeeper). Thanks for visiting and sharing your experience. You've definitely been through a lot and it's no wonder you're feeling the after-effects.
And no wonder you associate sex in such a negative way.
You've been traumatized by this molestation.
You say you haven't had any therapy. If your college offers it, I'd suggest you arrange to talk to a professional.
The goal is to learn to dissociate intimacy in your current life from forced intimacy in your past. You CAN retrain your brain and your body to relax. But someone has to teach you how.
This next piece of advice is coming as much from Mighty MOM as from MM who was also raped. Given your discomfort and your obvious vulnerability, wait till you meet someone you want to be in a relationship with, someone you trust. Yes, I know college is (or can be) about sowing wild oats. But your needs are different. I would really hate for you to become MORE damaged by having serial sex with guys who are just out for fun.
Anyone worth having sex with will understand and be gentle with you.
See also the recovery resources below. And good luck! MM
Can't believe I missed out on this hub?! Considering the fact that rape has occurred numerous times in my life. I'm glad to hear that you got your culprit in prison. Some people don't realize how much of an impact it can really do to us. I hope that your friend has recover.
Hello dear May. Good to see you!!!
I'm very sorry to hear about all the rape in your life.
Getting that closure/satisfaction is apparently quite rare so I consider myself very lucky. Probably one of the main reasons I've been able to heal. And thanks for asking about my friend. She is happily married and living in a different part of the state from where the rape occurred (whereas I live 3,000 miles away).
I hope something I wrote here was of some help to you. Maybe you should write your own hub about the impact on your life. We can link to each other's if you like. MM
I was never physically raped; but I had bad sexual experiences. When I finally came to my senses; I realised what I'd done and became almost phobic of men for two years and watched no porn... then, one night I just had casual sex with someguy in my class as if it didn't matter...
Mighty Mom-you have already helped so many people i almost feel bad asking, but do you think you could maybe help me?
im 20 years old now. my whole life i was abused by both of my parents. nothing sexual, but the emotional/physical part was pretty bad-they would beat, cut and burn me like it was nothing. to be honest i still live with them and the abuse; i feel like being over 18 makes it embarassing to say, but turning 18 didnt give me enough money to move out. i think this has messed me up bad enough, but then more came. one day my boyfriend told me he had a surprise for me, blindfolded me and took me to his room. once we got there he threw me down on the bed and tried to pull my pants off. i had to fight him, but i was able to get away. i dont consider this a rape (though i may have if i hadnt gotten away) but it brought back flashbacks from the past. ever since then i have flashbacks to me being raped years before, apparently a repressed memory i had.
a few weeks ago i was raped again by my father's best friend. i still cant say it out loud, but i wrote it! i am recently engaged and my fiance (same guy) started blaming me for making him depressed because i wouldnt have sex with him. i just couldnt. he said our relationship had become the worst part of his life. i got so mad, i told him about how horrible MY life had gotten, even though i wasnt ready to talk about it yet. he keeps torturing me with questions about it now, i cant handle it. its hard enough to get off my mind without him reminding me every day.
i feel like im so messed up, ill never be normal again. what do i do? please help =(
Dear Laura, my heart goes out to you. You are not the first battered women to still be with her abuser -- or in your case, abusers.Finances are finances. But you know what? There is ALWAYS a way out.
I believe you would be much better off living away from your parents. Could you get into roommate situation?
As for your fiance --don't show this hub to him, but...
he needs to go. Not only did he try to rape you, but he's now abusing you also. Do you see that? What he is saying is emotional abuse. If you are the worst thing in hislife, how does he expect marriage to be?
He may be a perfectly nice guy,but you deserve someone who supports you and builds UP your self-esteem, not tear it down.
I know therapy seems to be the all-purpose recommendation for every trauma. I don't really believe it "cures" us of our emotional baggage.However, you do seem to be suffering from PTSD (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) and there IS help out there for you.
You are not messed up. You are a strong survivor. You have already lived through the worst of your life, so that's huge. I hope you will get into something-- a job, hobby, volunteer work (perhaps with rape survivors) that makes you feel better.
Keep writing your experiences -- writing our horror takes the power out of it.
And thanks for writing here. I appreciate your confidence in me that you would listen.
Best of luck. Take care of YOU!
MM
thanks so much...its nice to hear the word 'survivor' associated with it instead of 'victim'. its also nice to just get a response, journals help, but dont provide much comfort.
im in therapy now, i started it a month or two before i was raped to deal with the physical abuse before i get married. it helps, but talking about it makes it harder too. i wanted to get 'fixed' before i moved in with my fiance; i feel like im messing everything up enough with him, i didnt want to move in together and make things worse, so i figured i'd just stick it out with my parents for a bit longer. you really think he's got to go? he really is a nice guy, most of the time...
what you're doing here is great; i must have called a helpline 100 times, and hung up every time. i need someone to talk to, my heart feels like its going to explode, but i cant say it out loud yet. knowing theres somebody out there helps.
thanks for listening,
laura
Hi again, Laura. You might want to check out this website: http://www.pointswithpurpose.com/MYPWP/home.php
I discovered it quite by accident but it appears to be a wonderful online resource for survivors of both rape and abuse.
Glad you are getting therapy.
Let me clarify my thoughts on your fiance. It is natural to want to escape where you are. Ask yourself, "Am I running away from my parents or am I running toward this man?"
Only you know the strength of your relationship. It pains me to read taht you feel YOU are messing things up with HIM. That kind of thinking is victim-like and not healthy.
At minimum, can you slow down your timing on the formalization of your relationship into marriage? You should be feeling on solid, not shaky ground by the time you marry each other.
I say all this from personal experience.
ANd trust me, it's a lot harder to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of a house or even a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You are still so young. Why the hurry to marry? Work on getting your mental and emotional stability back, then reassess in maybe 6 months. And do feel free to ask your therapist what he/she recommends....
Keep in touch if you like. I'm always here! MM
thanks-maybe i will make myself a dot! it would be the first time i wrote my story. i want to read the other stories too, its nice hearing that other people can relate.
trust me- i am in noo hurry to get married. everybody else just seems to want me to...i always wanted a long engagement, but now that theres a ring people are trying to rush it. either way, it'll be awhile. im going to school full time, working three jobs and coaching a soccer team-i have 2 hours of free time and what do i do with it? i go to therapy! so theres no time to plan a wedding if i wanted to. we've been together since i was 16, so i guess he felt like he had to propose.
you probably don't know, but i figure its worth a shot asking... the place i go right now is JBWS, the jersey battered women's service. the therapy there is free, but my therapist says she wants to send me to 'someone who can help me more'. the only problem is im under my parents' insurance, so i can't go through that or they'd find out and kill me. would you happen to have any idea how much therapy would cost without any insurance?
Hi Laura,
Glad to hear you are holding off on tying the knot. Being engaged is a good thing,tho.And you do sound too busy to be planning a wedding.
As for therapy, it can be anywhere from $60 to $180 or so an hour. There are places that offer a sliding scale.
The key is to find a therapist you click with.
I bet there are psychological centers somewhere close to where you live where you can get low cost therapy. I agree going out of insurance isusually the way to go on this anyway. Insurance companies typically limit the number of visits you can have.
It's also possible one of your employers has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that offers you a set number of free counseling sessions...
Hope that helps.
There should also be therapists who specialize in sexual trauma. I wish you good luck finding someone who can/will help you! MM
thanks! i'll look into it, i really like the woman i have now and she said she'll pick a few people she thinks ill like and go with me to meet them, which is so nice of her. hopefully ill be able to afford it...
i guess ill leave you alone now, but if i need someone to talk to again sometime in the future, am i allowed to come back here?
thanks for doing this...you really are helping people!
HI Laura,
Good luck! Of COURSE you are allowed to come back here. Anytime. You can also post to the Forums and talk to other women who have experience -- I am only one hubber. We have thousands of friendly, compassionate people.
Get involved with HP. It is a great place! Best always, MM
Hey everyone. I just found out last night that this girl I know who i have know for the past 4 or 5 years was raped at the age of 15 and she is now 18. This girl means the world to me and and At first when i heard this all i wanted to do was find the guy who did it and kill them. After awhile I thoguht about it and realized there was nothing I could really do about it now. She never told anyone except one other person and it wasnt even family but she has been to counciling since the event. I have tried to look around and see if anyone has suggestions on how I should go about this or anything at all
Hi, I am 32 years old.I was raped 2 months before my 16th birthday. It affected/still is affecting me to this day. I still blame myself. I feel like I have no identity. I am and always will be a "rape victim". Being raped have seriously shaped my sexuality. After being raped I became promiscuous. In my own opinion it was to gain control, and for the sake of being raped again. When a man made a move on me, I just let him take me because I was scared if I said no, he would take it anyway. I was raped by a man of a certain race which I will not mention, and even though I have friends of that race, I hate the men. When I look at them, all I think is "RAPIST!". I know this sounds crazy but i'm just trying to be honest.
hey everyone...i found a great website, its called pandys.org, its for rape survivors. i like that they focus on being rape 'survivors' instead of rape 'victims'. the people there are really supportive, its a great site with a lot of others who can relate. just wanted to share for anyone whos interested =)
Hi,
you have posted great hubs on hubpages.I wannna join your fan club.It will be good for both of us to exchange our articles.
Thanks
IT PRO
I can't even begin to imagine what that whole experience would feel like, and I feel for anyone who has gone through it. I think you are right to point out that there are many aspects that lead to it—either on the part of the rapist or the part of the person being raped—but that ultimately, it is no one's fault when one is raped.
There's a buddy of mine who used to always see a woman dressed in very little clothes and he'd always say "she's asking for it." I think we all tend to view women who dress like that a bit...oversexed?
But the point is that even if you are oversexed, you still have the right to choose who you want to sleep with. It's still a personal experience. When you are raped, that choice becomes someone elses to make.
In comparison, a teller may leave the door to the safe open but that doesn't mean they want me to go in and clean out the money for them.
Hello Springboard,
Thanks for taking the time to write.
"She was asking for it"is a common excuse men use.
The vast majority of women who are raped are NOT dressed provocatively. But you're right -- those who do dress with few clothes are looking to attract attention to themselves sexually. And yes, even though they invite attention and even sexual advances, that is NOT the same as an open invitation to have sex with them without consent...
I can so relate to this incident. I'm so glad you survived this horrible encounter. I had an experience similar to this one at age 18 but am glad to say the actual sex act didn't take place. Something stopped him at the last moment, but it didn't minimize the trauma in the least. I dealt with a lot of guilt over it because I had gone over to his house, sat down and drank a beer & smoked a joint with him & let him kiss me. But I said no to anything else. He didnt' want to take no for an answer. It was pretty scary to say the least. Two days later my then boyfriend went over & beat the crap outta the guy. I hope & pray he never hurt anyone else. Thank you very much for sharing your story. It takes bravery to speak about it with such boldness. I admire you for it.
Hi DNF,
Your story sounds traumatic. Glad your would-be rapist changed his mind. And thankfully your boyfriend didn't end up with an assault charge against him!
I appreciate your comment and taking the time to share your own personal experience.
Peace, MM
I don't think there will ever be a clear answer. I lost my virginity to a rape and was singled out for it. The backlash from reporting (or not for 6 days) was worse than the act itself. To be persecuted by your peers for being raped is like being raped all over again. I did not become promiscuous afterwards but I no longer held myself in high regard. My sense of self-worth had been dramatically depleted and I veered away from guys who attempted to treat me well because I did not feel like I deserved it. It brought me down a path that led to my entering into an abusive marriage. After six years and four kids, I finally snapped out of my self pity and got out.
I know how very, very lucky I am to be in a healthy loving relationship now and I know I am worth it. It took me eight years to recover. By recover I mean I have forgiven him and I have moved forward. I still hurt. These posts bring everything back and I have struggled to keep reading but I did because they needed to be read. I still contend with issues from that night occasionally but my husband understands this and is absolutely supportive. I know now what it means to make love. It's great.
Dear Chaotic Chica, Thank you for sharing your experience here with us. Not every rape has a happy ending. I'm glad for your sake you were able to move past the trauma and degredation. ALL women deserve to be in healthy, loving relationships. Recognizing our value is not always easy. I'm so glad you are where you are. And also here on HP to share it! MM
hey i have a question
look my Girlfriend was sexualy abuse "raped" like 6 or 4 month ago they got the guy but my problem is that i think that my girlfriend after the was raped she become more freaky or something like that i dont know how to said like more sexual addicted im no sure how to tell since my english is no that good but i was just wonder if that is possible? does woman get more freaky after being rape or its just her or its just me? im kinda uncomfortable about it! can u help me with ur answer thanx u in advantage
sometimes i feel her like she can not get enough when we are having sex. i dont understand
Hi Antonely,
I am very sorry to hear about your girlfriend's rape. Being raped is very hard for any woman to deal with. We seem to react in one direction or the other. One is to close up and not want to be sexually active at all. The other is the opposite.
It sounds like your girlfriend is trying to overcome something through sex.
And it seems like she feels safe with you, so that's a good tthing!
Have you talked to her about her feelings about sex and you?
You sound like you are a very supportive boyfriend.
Good luck.
And as I always suggest, try to get her to go for some rape counseling. It really helps.
MM
i really admire you MM.its been 8 weeks since this unpleasant ordeal befell me, in my house, at night, sleeping. when 2 unknown men broke into my house.and apart from doctors and the police,there has been no one i can confide my fears and thoughts in, except for writing in my jounal which helps, its like am talking to God. because my family and friends, i cant cry around them, let alone talk about it.
so finding your hub is the greatest thing now, i can relate to other survivors.
thank you.
I was raped as a teenager and am now 25. I have been hiding it for about a decade now and it is just ruining my relationship abilities. I am terrified of men. I hate myself when I have sex. I end up crying and then the man I am with worries he's done something wrong. Then I feel awful that I am worrying him and that I am so weird. It's time to move on and I'm having a hard time. Reading your posts helps. Thank you.
SMR9142, I am so sorry for what happened to you. What you describe is so common. Other than time and a supportive partner, the only other thing I can think of is therapy.
You know you haven't done anything wrong but you are still carrying the burden of past trauma around with you.
Good luck, and please feel free to keep in touch with me if you think it would help.
Dear MM
I was raped by my brother when I was 9 years old. I am 27 now. It only happened the one time but for years I saw it as something "naughty" we did. Not really seeing the impackt it will have on my future relationships.
I had my firts long term bofriend when I was 19. I did tell him I wanted to wait before I had sex because in my mind I was stil a virgin. I told him that I was raped and after that it was like he could not see why I wanted to wait, since I wasn't a virgin. We had sex after being together for a few months. In the end the relationship didn't work out.
Now I'm in a new relationship after being single for about 7 years. I decided a while ago the next person I will sleep with will be my husband. I told him that and I told him I slept with my eks. My boyfriend respects that but it is difficult for him because he has a very active sex drive. I am scared when we start having sex I will not be able to keep up. I do not remember ever having an orgasm during sex. I usally get so tense the sensation goes away.
I really like him, but I am scared I am not the right woman for him. I just want to see him happy.
I have not told him about the rape. I am scared about what he will think.
Please help.
PS:
I once read in a romance novel a quote that sums up the way rape hurts so perfectly ,I know that author must have been raped too:
It hurts, not all of the time not even some of the time. It just sneaks up on you now and then and slashes at you.
Hi Nel,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know quite a few women who were raped by their brothers. And so young, too. It should be a distant memory, but of course is not (LOVE that quote, btw).
There are two ways to get past what happened to you and live in the present.
The first one is the 'right way' -- get therapy to work through your feelings about your brother and your parents (do they know? how has it impacted the family?) and get healthy. This will help you let go of the past and let yourself live today and be the full, sexual woman you have a right to be!
The other thing we rape victims do -- sometimes effectively -- is to push the pain deep inside and don't let it see the light of day.
As for you and the man you are with now -- "I really like him" is (IMHO opinion and experience)is not the level of love and commitment needed for marriage. If the only reason you want to marry him is so you can have sex, that's very short-sighted. Also, if you cannot be honest with him about the rape (which will help explain your reluctance to sleep with him) how do you expect to have an honest marriage? Gotta get that stuff out on the table or it WILL bite you in the butt later on. If he cares for you he will understand.
And as for not being able to keep up -- when you fully love and trust someone sexually there is no 'keeping up' -- you are in tune with each other's needs. Letting go of fear goes a long way toward opening your body up to orgasms!
Good luck!! MM
Hi MM
It's me again.
Thanks for the reply.
I was in therapy for awhile about 5 years ago. I did deal with what happened on the emotional side, but not the sexual side of it.
The problem is I live in a really small touwn and we do not have sex therapists or people like that.
My boyfriend and I have only been together for a month now, we are still getting to know each other. Thats why I said "I really like him". We have not have time to let it grow into something more. The problem is that we are about 2oo km from each other. We see each other about twice a month for a weekend. And because we don't see each other that often when we see each other it is really intense. We had a long dicussion last night via mxit (its like instint messaging through the cellphone). He asked me how long he still had to wait before we could sleep together. I reminded him about our dicussion 2 days into our relationship (about me wanting to be the next guy I sleep with to be my husband), he said had he did not know how he would be able to wait for about 3 years. But that he does respect my decision.
I've never seen myself as a coward, but I'm scared of sex.
I have been in conflict with myself since last night. I thought to myself, I will just dump him then all this does not matter. But then I realised I will only be postponding the inevitable because any man I have a relationship with will want sex. So I may as well face my fears now.
Well I will still wait atleast another month or 2.
Do you think I should wait a little before I tell him about what happened, or is it a case of the sooner the better?
thank you for listening. Sometimes it just helps putting it out there.
Nel
Hi again, Nel
Thanks for putting your relationship in context.
What I do when I need to make a decision that isn't obvious to me is make 4 columns. I list the "pros" and the "cons" of one decision (tell him now) and the "pros" and "cons" of the other decision (wait to tell him until you are ready to actually face your fear and have sex with him).
What is the best case scenario for you? For him?
What is the worst that can happen?
I think you know then answer already in your heart.
As to being a coward and being scared of sex -- perhaps you could "practice" feeling sexually aroused by reading racy novels (or movies or whatever) or pleasuring yourself so that the sensation becomes natural to you.
I will be praying for you and your man! Good luck. MM
Dear MM
Thank you for all your advice and for the prayers. I know that is the only thing that works is to pray.
Good luck to you too.
Love
Nel
Glad to hear you have spirituality in your life, Nel. I have found my decisions are much wiser when I stop trying to solve things myelf and turn it over to God.
Wishing you lots of love and happiness (sexual and otherwise), MM
i admire your courage for surpassing what you have encountered and for sharing to us about the effect of rape. i hope there are more women out there who'll draw strength from you. more power and God bless!
Thank you, lilly_dens!
When I look at your adorable avatar the idea of rape is the furthest thing from my mind! Concentrating on the good, happy and loving things in life really helps.
Thanks for visiting. God bless you as well. MM
Too many women are drama queens. It's just sex for God's sake. Lay back and enjoy it. Women get off on causing trouble.
Tom B.
I sincerely hope none of the women in your life ever get raped. God help them. God help you, too. You are living in the wrong century, pal.
MM
I have to say congratulations on the reply to Tom B. I would not have been able to be so polite to him.
I would have used a few words that had to have a # or @ in.
And I was thinking: I wonder if he has ever raped someone. Because it sounds like something a rapist will tell himself to justify what he did and to make himself feel better about the monster he is.
Nel
Hello Nel,
The Tom B's of the world are cowards. Coming on here anonymously and trying to bait me -- if I fell for it he'd get some perverse satisfaction.
Real men -- by that I mean ones who have penises -- do not think anything like that!
Thanks for commenting and your support, tho! MM
Lucky was a great book... I really admire Alice Sebold's writing in general but that is her more powerful book because it is her own experience.
My sister has been raped twice, once by one of my "friends."
My current girlfriend has been raped and sexually assaulted.
I have a good male friend who was raped.
My mother was raped, and I am the product of that encounter.
None of the aforementioned have been reported to the authorities.
Personally, I think rapists are the scum of the earth.
If I ever meet a man who takes pride in it, boasts or has been convicted of the crime, I will beat him black and blue. Not for revenge, but for punishment. A small taste of justice.
I have seen firsthand the damage rape does. It is on the same emotional level as a death of a loved one or someone close to you.
It has been hard for me, since the men who raped the ones close to me have either moved elsewhere, are unknown and unidentified, or the ones close to me won't give me their names. I can understand where they are coming from though. They don't want it to be dug up, and violence is not the answer.
But it's all I know.
As a boxer, I could give punish them quite well. I protect what I love.
These thoughts plague me every day.
If I could only take my loved ones pain away. If I could bare their burden, I would.
MM, these posts have made me understand a lot of what victims go through.
It's very insightful.
I wish you all the best in life.
Hello Rachael. Glad to meet another Alice Seybold fan! Thanks for visiting.
Detlef -- Wow. You have had more than your share of sexual trauma in your life but have a great and supportive attitude toward the women you love.
You raise some excellent points about the man's point of view (please correct me if I am misreading -- you could certainly be a lesbian and a boxer!).
If you feel up to it, I think it would be really helpful to others for YOU to write a hub about your thoughts/experiences around the pain you have felt/seen around you. God Bless. MM
its 5 months now, since the two unknown foreighn men broke into my house, in the middle of the night, and hurt me reall bad. i go over that night every day and night, i moved houses, i changed locations, its hell. and reading from this hub makes me feel there are other friends out there. last month the police called me to id one of the suspects, only to find they have the wrong guy.
i see their faces everyday, sometimes its like they are following me around. i hate crowds, its like i have to study every face i see.
i just wonder and i dont know what will happen incase i see his face, one of them. i will kill him with anything i have.
right now, i take defence classes, i have weapons in my house, in my handbag. some days i dont go out,some nights i dont sleep, i sit and wait, i am afraid if i fall asleep when i wake up there will be someone in the house to hurt me.
Hello ikel. My heart aches for you. I remember that horrible paranoid feeling. But can honestly say "vaguely" as time does reduce the memories. Right now you are still in trauma/shock. All so fresh.
I hope you are getting some counseling and the defense classes are empowering. I encourage you to WRITE your experience out -- the mere act of putting the anger/hurt/defilement/fear on paper can be cathartic.
Also check out this website below: hopeforhealing.org and I'm sure you will find support. God bless you! MM
Every assault is different.
I think the worst part of my situation was it wasnt taken seriously, and I wasnt heard.
In the long run, I did act out. My behavior; its hard to explain. I havent had the healthiest relationships or encounters. But that may also be due to the patterned abuse that occurred and the self worth I had. It caused long term depression (which I slip in and out of) and psychologically, I am angry.
Though I am much better now than I was 10 years ago. And I am much more able to cope now.
For the record, I was 13.
Hi KatsaMum,
Every assault is different, you're right. But there are some common themes to the damage an assault inflicts on the victim. I have just returned from a 3-day retreat with strong women healing from abuse (and self-abuse). There is so much healing and cleansing just being HEARD and knowing that your pain is UNDERSTOOD and SHARED.
I hope you are able to connect with other women (it's important!)who can help you continue in freeing yourself from the past. God bless, MM
I was raped in March of this year. Reading your hub and the comments has really helped me to see that I am not alone. I have a good network of friends and have told some of the closer friends. I've not dealt with it yet I don't think. Possibly due to police involvement still. I'm struggling with the future at the moment. I lost my virginity in the rape and I find it hard to trust men. I can't see myself in a functional relationship in the future and this upsets me. Having read others comments of how they have gone on to have loving relationships and marriages has been good to hear. Thanks for writing this.
x
Hi Han,
Sorry I didn't see your comment when you wrote it. So very, very sorry to hear of your recent rape.
I'm glad you do have a support system and am very glad you found this hub and know you are NOT alone!
As to the future, my advice(from my own experience) is not to future trip. Take things one day at a time. You never know what life is going to bring you. God bless, MM
After almost 5 years of burying it, I looked online about the laws around rape. I was never sure if I could really call it 'rape' because for so many reasons I felt it was my fault, and at the time, when I was 16, my friendship group rejected me as some crazy girl who decided to 'cry rape' rather than admit cheating on her boyfriend, and my mother's reaction was that I shouldn't have gone round there (to my "friend"'s house in the middle of the day... yeah i definitely was asking for it eh.) which was heartbreaking. I thought that they must all be right, I must have deserved, it, I must have wanted it, I must be a slut basically. So from then on, despite attracting non-threatening guys in general, no doubt as a result of what happened, I thought it was normal to sleep with them quite quickly. In fact i kind of thought it was expected. So I suppose I reacted in the way of becoming more promiscuous. I think that part of it is to do with needing to show myself that I am in control, so by being sexually confident, and showing myself that I am desirable I feel the need to pick up guys. It has all got less and less so since the rape, and especially since I want to have respect for my body, so although I feel that the male attention is empowering, I generally don't jump in the sack before getting to know them a bit. I was just in a relationship with a really sweet guy for almost a year, and he had a really sweet view of sex, and we waited for quite a long time before having it, which really made it special, kind of like how i wish my virginity had been. However, his perceptions of my 'past' made me judge myself and feel really bad about being so sexually confident, because I do wish that a lot of times i hadn't gone through with it. I guess i did because i didn't feel much sense of self-worth and or the sense of the sanctity of making love. I felt a bit dirty and used, and its hard because i could sort of only blame myself- all the guys i had chosen were nice people. I guess i realised while i was with this sweet boy that the rape had affected my boundaries and my self-worth especially in sexual relationships but also just my general relationship with men. And i realised that I am a really caring person, with a big heart, and i never wanted to hurt anyone, or act in a way that disrespected myself. I guess i was just a bit confused about how i should act, and i was trying to convince myself that i was fine, in control and beautiful. For a while i changed my personality, and brought out the sweet side of myself, and didn't go out so much. But in so doing i lost the bubbly side of myself, the playful cheeky me that people tend to like. I guess i became a bit boring really, and a bit repressed. S o i recently decided to break up with this guy, because i felt he was bringing out a side of myself that wasn't the whole me. Since then i've restored some of my firnedships and been expressing my playful side more, but i missed the sweet guy so much. I really had loved him. I started dating a new guy, more by coincidence to be honest, he asked me over for dinner and he turned out to be really lovely too, so we dated for a few weeks and i tried to block out the fact that i wasn't over my ex. I slept with this guy, as usual a bit quickly- not necessarily by normal standards, it was the third date after all, but it was less than 2 weeks. I later decided that i had to tell this new guy it was too soon for me to be dating and i had to see my ex because i missed him so much. But he was so disgusted that i had slept with another guy already- he couldn't see me as the sweet happy girl he knew and loved. I just broke down because i realised that i've always been like this, trying so hard to act in the right way, to know where the boundaries of propriety are but i just don't feel them. There are no intuitions there to guide me and it makes me feel so ashamed and worthless. I didn't see how my getting with a new guy immediately was like a big 'eff u' to my ex. I guess i was trying to put on a front of being fine with everything. And i really feel it's all because of the rape.
I hope this can help people understand why people become promiscuous after rape. I had my first session with a counsellor today and i feel really good about it, although it all feels a lot more real than ever before and i feel very drained from facing up to this trauma again, and talking to my ex about it which was weird. He felt for me and said he could see im still the person he fell in love with and he wants to be there for me and support me. But to be honest at the moment i don't want him or anyone to touch me because i feel so ashamed of myself and i don't want to touch him having been with another guy already and just in general having this boundaries problem. Its not really noticeable to others, i just come across and very confident but really im scared of myself. I don't trust myself completely and although i have come a long way since a few years ago- much less promiscuous and i always get to know guys and try to put off sleeping together even when it feels expected (which is just my perception not them being pushy), and in my last relationship i never actually cheated which is a real success for me, because i was terrified of my ability to hurt people as i cheated on my previous ex and hurt him so bad..
I suppose my thoughts are all a little chaotic at the moment because it really is at the forefront of my mind again but i hope you can see from this that i am feeling really grateful to have finally unlocked this scar that i've ignored for so long and i am finally ready to face up to it, and i am very lucky to have the support that i do. As for my ex, he seems to want to get back together but i feel so unworthy at the moment and i feel i need to work through things so i suppose we will see what happens and leave it to fate.
Anyway, MM thank you for writing this hub. It has inspired me to start telling people about my experiences and has really made me feel less alone having read all of the comments from people in similar situations (thank you to everyone).
Also i noticed that a few people who have been recently raped seemed to think they were fine about it. I was the same. I think thats ok, its just your mind's way of dealing with it but you must accept that one day you will have to address the issue and will learn all sorts of interesting things about yourself and how the event affected your unconscious beliefs about life and yourself.
Some interesting facts are that i am petrified of being pregnant, i think it is something to do with the lack of control of something being inside you. Also i don't go for a certain type of guy, especially tall guys, with the name of the guy who did it to me, and that i am very blase about walking at night or in dark places because the only time my safety has ever been threatened was by a friend in a 'safe' place so i suppose i subconsciously think that the chance of being raped outside is a lot less. Anyway i find all these facts interesting...
Anyway better go now! My heart goes out to everyone reading this and everyone who goes through something traumatic like this in their lives. I hope we can all forgive ourselves and let go of our anger, guilt, blame, shame, fear, etc. and realise that certain events in our lives don't define us, they just give us the opportunity to grow and become something more than we were before. Peace x
Wow! Your comment could (and SHOULD) be a hub unto itself, showing the opposite opinion/reaction to mine. You nailed it with the words "Control"and "Boundaries." It's so difficult to regain that sense of sexual control -- especially if you never had it before the rape. And boundaries are a huge challenge, too. That's why we seem to veer to one end of the spectrum (repressed) to the other (promiscuous).
I'm so glad you are getting counseling and are working through your issues -- you do seem to have good insight into your own experience. But there is also some "magical thinking" going on -- just because you were raped once and it was by a friend in broad daylight does NOT make you immune to the very real dangers of walking alone at night!
I do hope you get it all sorted out and give yourself permission to be YOU -- the real you, the whole you. Whether that ultimately includes the sweet boyfriend or means you are solo for a good long while while discovering who that is.
Good luck and God bless. Thanks so much for adding a very valuable perspective to my hub! MM
Wow. Linked to your hub and I am speachless...
Thank you for writing this article.
Respectfully,k9keystrokes
~always choose love~
Hello K9keystrokes. Thank you for reading. Hope it helped.
Like your closing -- love is alway the best! MM
i was raped at the age of six and i pretty much turned out fine. it wasn't a one time deal either the only problem i have is random sexual overdrives. i have not been intimate ( with intercourse) since the ordeal. i'm 17 now by the way. i don't do any intimate ordeals execpt like kissing and caressing maybe, rarely that.
Hi Noir. I'm so sorry to hear you were sexually abused as a child. You seem to have a good attitude about who you are today. I do hope that when the time and person are right, that you are able to enjoy an intimate relationship that satisfies you. God bless! MM
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's a strange and twisted web of psychology and social constructs when you deal with the topic of rape whether it's sharing with others or your own internal processing functions.
I also had an experience with a sexual assault 5 years ago. Technically, you could call it date rape, but I've always been hesitant to call it a rape and have always had mixed feelings about what happened, and I usually refer to it more as a one night stand. He didn't threaten my life, he didn't have a weapon, and he didn't physically harm me or threaten to do so. Obviously, I was attracted to him or I wouldn't have gone out with him, and everything put together has always made feel like I didn't do enough to stop it from happening. So why didn't I do more? He somehow made me feel helpless. The kicker is that he called me the next day to tell me he was sorry if he did anything that "offended" me the night before and that he wanted me to know that he could have been stopped if I really wanted him to....which tells me he knew what he was doing and that he recognized that I didn't want to.
People truly don't understand when you talk about it. They don't even want to think about things like that because it makes them uncomfortable. It happened during an off period with an on-again, off-again boyfriend. I tried to tell him what happened, and he said, "Yeah right" when I told him it wasn't exactly voluntary on my end. For over two years afterward, I struggled with sudden bouts of depression and anger. I went to a counselor about it, and she wanted to talk more about my family issues than what happened. My family completely freaked out. I told my mother in confidence who just had to tell my dad who was hurt and offended that I didn't want to discuss it with him. They both tried to convince me to call the police and weren't sensitive to the fact that I just wanted to let it go.
I didn't really have sexual issues that I noticed immediately but one night about a year later, the same boyfriend with whom I tried to talk about my experience was being pushy about sex when I was tired and didn't feel like it because we were having a minor disagreement. It totally changed my attitude, and I wasn't in the mood for several months afterward, which started a cycle in which my lack of libido made him try to pressure me into sex which then further suppressed my interest which made him more pushy and on and on. It was a frustrating time because we had moved in together by then and it had become a nightly ritual/argument. I too also feel it was a control issue. But instead of trying to feel empowered by my sexuality, I wanted to feel in control of choosing when not to have sex.
We broke up for good last year, and I recently bit the bullet and gave him full disclosure on what happened. He got upset and told me that I tell people different stories. I think he still doesn't believe me or take my experience seriously.
I'm still finding new ripples in my life that have been caused by my brush with rape. When I started dating new people, I realized that I absolutely do not want to be touched on first dates (it happened on a first date). He can be the nicest, most articulate, professionally successful, and talented man, but if he tries to get physical in any way in the first few dates, I lose all interest and attraction. I often feel like I'm too strict with my boundaries because a simple hug, a guy trying to kiss me, or something that should be sweet and kind of romantic like brushing crumbs off my arm completely turns me off. When I'm out, however, with someone I knew pre-rape, I'm ok with affection right away. I guess the familiarity makes me feel safe.
It's strange how after 5 years, I'm still processing and living with the repercussions.
Hi coolmompublishing. Thank you for your honesty. You have a lot of insight into your situation, your reactions, your motives and so on. And,not surprisingly, substantially more insight than anyone around you.
I won't try to psychhoanalyze the situation with your on-again/off-again boyfriend. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know there's ego and jealousy and possessiveness going on on his end. He simply can't allow himself to believe this happened to you.
I do understand and agree with your need to control your sexuality. In your case,it's by holding it in check vs. letting the anger loose on "unsuspecting" sex partners.
Seems to me your reaction is quite "normal" for post-rape.
For the record, I think you were smart for NOT pressing charges.The circumstances were unclear enough that you would have been dragged through the mire and the chances of him being convicted not that high. So what would that get you? Worse off than you are now.
Sorry your therapy didn't work out. I'm not a huge therapy person myself, but... I know there are therapists out there who specialize in sexual trauma.
And I hope you will check out the resources below. Sharing with others who have been through similar situations can be very life-affirming.
Good luck to you and God Bless. MM
Yes in the past as a family counselor, I had worked with women and men that had been raped and it is very difficult for many to have a normal sex life without working through the rape in counseling. For the person that has been raped when having sex again they will have muscle memory of the rape and a disconnection will occur from mind and body. Yes many will become promiscuous, but if the relationship become serious with that person and they begin to feel for them than sex may stop all together. The solution is to connect the mind back with the body and work thorough the trauma until the person is healed and becomes a survivor instead of a victim. The one problem, I have seen being a marriage counselor and working with sexual issues in peoples marriage is that a women who was sexually abused may have great sex with her spouse in the beginning and then when she feels deeply for him, sex will become real to her and if she has not dealt with the trauma, sex in the marriage will stop altogether or there will be problems.
Hi DawnM. You bring a really interesting professional perspective to this topic. The phenomenon of great sex at first/sex becomes real/problems or no sex at all is very interesting. If you have not already done so, I hope you will hub about it, as it would be very beneficial to many women and men dealing with the aftermath of abuse! Thanks for commenting. MM
Thanks mighty mom if it will help people out I will write about it. It is an important topic, I did touch upon it in my latest article about women not wanting to have sex with their husbands, it is the reason #1 that I have on the list but I should really expand on it in a seperate hub. Keep up the great work yourself happy to have found you!!!!
Mighty Mom (and everyone who has posted on here) – you are amazing!
Thank you mighty mom for sharing your story and for all your encouragement to others. This is exactly what I need. I haven't been to counseling yet but what I really want is to hear how others have coped and to hear from others who have been raped. I appreciate all of you for sharing your experiences. Believe me, I have read pretty much every single comment on here.
A side note: About rape being punishable by death – I don't think so. Yes I think they should be put in jail and not allowed to harm others but I don't think they should die. However I was very fortunate in that I was not brutally injured, in fact I was barely injured at all. I do not know how my feelings would change if I was brutally injured or if someone I knew endured the same thing. If my sister were raped I know I would go ballistic.
I was raped a little less than a month ago. I am going to try not to give too many details because there is an article in a local newspaper and because the rape is currently under investigation. My husband is amazing, the police on my case are amazing, and really truly the SART nurse and advocate I had were exactly the people I needed in an awkward situation.
I do not know if I would have reported the rape on my own. But when my husband came home from work I told him and he called the police.
About the topic – I am very fortunate I am married and have an understanding husband. I cannot imagine being raped as a virgin, I know I would never feel comfortable having sex after that. I have not had sex with my husband yet since the incident and it is awkward feeling the touch and hugs, etc of a man, even though it is my husband. It is especially hard because that's how he feels loved, by hugs, kisses, etc. Even my husband scares me sometimes but he is the nicest man in the world and would never harm anyone – but he is a man. So for my part, no I am not more promiscuous after being raped, actually less so and I especially don't like kisses at all and in certain places, and unexpectedly. I can't even watch people kissing on tv anymore it grosses me out. I think what troubles me is fear, not trusting anyone, and random spurts of anger and lack of concentration on anything except this, I guess.
Anyway, so far I think four things have really helped me 1) I am 99.9999999% sure I was able to identify the rapist in a photo which means I am no longer completely afraid of every person who is of his race and sort of meets the description – now only lack of trust (but of any man) 2) we moved to a different place 3) I read about various reasons for rape, etc. and I think learning more about rape and how to prevent, etc. and understanding the criminal mind is helping me 4) chatting with people online when I can't sleep and my husband's asleep but I hear noises...it gives me this false idea that someone is there even though they aren't physically here.
I went to church for the first time since the incident last Sunday. The church was amazing and it was really important for me to understand that praising God is important. I am trying to cope with knowing God is here. I locked myself in the bathroom after the rape. I had begged the man to go and I saw him leave the hallway but I did not see him actually go through the door (I was crying like crazy and a bit senseless). I locked the door and I took a shower right afterward because I felt so horrible. I felt like I betrayed my husband for the sake of my life. Then I realized I had not actually seen the guy go out the front door and then I became paranoid that he might still be in the apartment. So I waited for my husband...locked in the bathroom, making as few noises as possible. I was paranoid.
I could not convince myself that God was behind the bathroom door and it was ok to unlock and open it because I could not convince myself that God was there when that man raped me. So that is what I am struggling with in my faith. And praising God...it's important and I needed to see people praising whole-heartedly because I certainly am not at this point but I want to be.
Sorry this is soooooooo long. SUPER LONG.
Anyway, I don't think there's anything more to say. I also felt like my rape was the least possible horrible rape. And I know I am so much “luckier” than others. My life was threatened but trauma and emotions aside, I was pretty much not hurt physically. But my life shattered that day and it's like I'm seeing the world through different lenses. My husband keeps telling me I am so strong but he isn't there when I am weak many times and he cannot read my mind. There are many things I tell him but there are many things I just can't. The police also were amazed at how well I handled their questions but I know I could not have without my husband and they certainly did not see the paranoid woman curled up on the bathroom floor who slowly peed into the sheet she was wrapped in so she wouldn't make a sound flushing the toilet. I wouldn't even open the bathroom door if it wasn't for my husband.
---I hope to hear more of your stories and how you cope with daily life. I am really encouraged by the strength of so many of you in the face of so much harder situations.
I totally understand you still lost. I don't hate them, but I am afraid of them. And I never was before. I was even kissed (but only on the cheek) by one before – he was a good friend. I was surprised by it but never afraid of him. But I am not afraid of the females. In fact, my advocate is a female of this race and she's got to be one of the best people in the world.
Kisses creep me out now...for good reason...
dawnm – I would be interested in knowing how women are able to cope with sex with their husbands after being raped.
hiya i dont no if this will work because i ent fount much help for getting over rape so here goes my girlfriend has been raped twice by two different people she has only had three boyfriends me being the 3rd and one of them was here so called best friend (her last boyfriend) so i am trying to get her to open up so i can teach her about sex because she didn't pick up much at school she don't mind talking about the past . we agree to take it sage by stage make it into little games so its fun she now feels safe with me i no it takes time my girlfriend don't want to see a shrink because she wants to get though it off our own backs just wondering if anyone can give me tips on what to do next
Thank you so much a_woman and james_woods for visiting and commenting.
There is no one way women cope with the trauma and sexual degradation of rape. You just don't know how you will react until you have to.
Having a strong support system, including the professionals (police, victim advocates, rape crisis therapists), can make a huge difference.
Bear in mind that the significant other is also victimized by the rape. There is no natural blueprint for them on how to act or what to expect and when.
I do encourage you both to log into the hopeforhealing website below. It will connect you to others like yourselves.
God bless and thank you for sharing your own experiences.
MM
i was raped when i was 12, a boy, im not sure if he was a sixth former or a year 10/11 out of uniform, but he diddent look older than 15. my dad was going to be late picking me up, so i stayed after class to help the teacher clear up, as we had an activity style lesson. when i left, the teacher stayed in to do paperwork, and i left. on my way out, the boy grabbed me by the arm, covered my mouth, and dragged me into a book store cupbord. he told me if i scream or report it, he would kill me. then he yanked my skirt up, ripped my tights, and yanked my pants down. he raped me. he threatened me. he ran.
i have dyspraxia, which made me clumsy, and caused social difficulties, i had seen this boy around the school quite a lot, and i later started to think he had been stalking me for a while before the event. he knew i diddent have friends, he knew where i got picked up, he knew where i got dropped off. he turned up at those places sometimes, and just wacthed.
that evening, i sat in the bath for 4 hours, long after it got cold, scrubbing, i got through 6 bottles of shower gel. by the end if the week i had tried to kill myself, i could not stand seeing the cupbord, seeing him, reliving it.
i cannot even think of having sex, even though im now 17, i cant even think of having a romantic relationship, but i have a dirty mind. to this day, whenever i walk or drive past that school, i am terrified, some days, even the logo or uniform leaves me in a panic attack. as i write this, i am in floods of tears, i just want to be able to move on. to have days where i dont relive it in my mind. to be able to have a boyfriend. to get out of the depression. to stop upsetting my friends with my 'front' that i put up when im having a hard time (at the moment, most of the time).
my parents still dont know about it, and i dont know how, or even if, i should tell them.
its not the only thing that happened in that school, but it is the thing that has the biggest effect on my life now.
the worst thing i have found is that nobody seems to understand, even this 1 girl who has been through it too. i was so young, old enough to know what rape is, old enough to know its wrong, but not old enough to really understand, at 12, sex is the butt of a joke, and little more. for most.
its not the only traumatic event in my young life. i have been on the wrong end of a gun, and a knife, a gang would put a jumper or jacket over my head from behind, push me to the floor and kick me, i have seen drug culture, and people have tried to force me into it. all this happened at this one school, in less than 1 academic year. i had no friends at that school. i was alone, even in a crowd. sometimes, i still feel like that, but now i am slowly making friends.
the thing i am finding now i have friends, is that i upset them so much, i deal with hard thoghts by putting up a 'front' and that front is not really nice, kinda nasty sometimes, but its not me, and i am depressed too, and it is really hard on them, which makes me feel worse.
this is the first time i have put so much detail anywhere, please dont make fun of it, or pick holes in it.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your innocence at such a young age. ANd for your ongoing pain. That is a lot to be exposed to so young, but people do, and they get through.
I know what you mean about feeling like you have to put up a front. It is difficult for people who have not experienced this kind of personal trauma to grasp. That does put a barrier between you. In my experience talking with others who have been through similar traumas is really helpful.
But mostly what comes through in your story is the depression. I hope you are able to get some professional help for that -- you don't have to live with crushing depression... And a professional can help you sort through the past so you're not carrying it around with you like a heavy rock.
I wish you all the best in your healing journey. Thank you very much for sharing here. Check out the website link below - -- it's full of people like "us."
God bless, MM
im in the UK. if i go to the police, do you have any idea what will happen. i am meeting with social services soon, and hope they can help me find what to do best. i really dont want my parents to know, as there is enough stress in our household already, dad is ill, and still trying to run 2 businesses. i want the fu**ing tw*t to be caught, but im scared what he will do to me, and i know he wont be in prison long (if at all), and itll just make him hold a grudge against me.
what do you think i would be best to do? anyone?
Hello ahpokins,
I'm very sorry to read of your situation. And your reluctance to bring it forward. You don't say how old you are.
I do understand your very real concern that punishment for your attacker is not a foregone conclusion. But hopefully the details of your case are strong enough that he would be imprisoned for a long time.
I'm glad to read you are meeting with social services. They should have good advice on your options and the strength of your case.
While it is never "okay" to roll over and pretend the rape did not happen, it is often (too often) more traumatic on the victim to press charges.
I hope that social services hooks you up with some rape counseling to process your anger and fear.
In the meantime, I encourage you to visit the websites below for additional support.
Good luck and God bless you. MM
Thank you for writing something about this. I was raped 9 years ago and suppressed the whole scenario up until last year. When I finally addressed it, I went through massive panic attacks. Today I had to deal with rape cases (I am a lawyer) and just getting on and reading what other women have written makes me not feel so weird/alone. It's hard holding it in all the time, especially when dealing with rape cases at work. Thanks for writing.
This kind of topics are very helpful to rape victims as well as their friends and family, it helps one understand the pain and agony the victim went through, it also gives insights on how to overcome the trauma. Thanks for sharing.
Ok I am looking for some assistance here and I hope someone here might be able to point me in the right direction. When my wife was just a very young child she was raped several times over about three years by at least one family member but due to things she has said in passing I think there was also a second family member involved. She has repressed the events (lack of better words) for about 25 years. But after our daughter was born something was triggered within her memory bringing back the horrors that she endured years ago and as our daughter has gotten closer to the age my wife was when it started the memories have gotten worse and she keeps reliving the events over and over again in her mind. No matter what I do I always seem to trigger her memories. Something as simple as a hug or kiss will trigger the rape to be replayed in her mind. Needless to say it has put a ton of stress on our marriage, and for years I have begged her to seek help. Things finely got to the point where I had to tell her that if she didn’t get help I would have to leave. The ultimatum finely opened her eyes to how her past was not only affecting her but our marriage as well. She has started counseling and is working diligently on her path to recovery. Once she and her counselor believe she is ready we are going to start marriage counseling. But in the meantime I am looking for something to help me be more understanding and supportive for her. So if anyone knows of any books, videos, magazine articles, or blogs that I can read to help me help her please let me know. Thank you in advance.
Hi Husband72032,
You raise such an important issue -- the effects of rape on the survivor's partner or spouse. Knowing what to say or do for your wife is not something that comes intuitively, I know.
I would imagine your wife's rape counselor could offer you some suggestions.
I did a Google search and found what looked to be an AWESOME resource for you. Let's see if I can make the link work!
Back again, Husband
I found the link to that website and have added it above. I've also included some books -- one a workbook for partners of rape survivors the other for partners of incest (which it sounds like is what happened to your wife).
I wish you all the best during this emotional challenge.
God bless.
P.S. As you gain experience and insights, please share them with others by writing your own hub(s). We can all benefit. Thanks! MM
I am sorry but I don’t see the links. Can you please try to copy and paste them into your message?
Her counselor has yet to meet with me and I don't know when or if that day will come before we start or marriage counseling. But for now we are focused on getting her the help she needs. I know her doctor has her reading a book right now called the Hidden Scars by Dr. McNeil if that helps anyone reading the hub. Other then it being a small book of about 150 pages I don't know much about it because she writes in the book and I do not want to invade her privacy. When or if she wants to share that information with me I will be here for her.
Hi Husband,
The link is in the body of the Hub above the comments. It is on the right hand side under a heading "Rape Crisis Links for Partners" (In a blue box). Here it is again. The books are also in the hub itself. I'm sorry (actually, guite GLAD) that the comments section of this hub is so much bigger than the hub itself).
I wish you and your wife all the best.
Here's the link. There are others the come up on Google but I checked this one out and it seems to open a lot of welcoming doors:
www.ibiblio.org/rcip/partners.html
Thank you Mighty Mom you are my new hero.
I was able to plug a few keywords into Google from your post and it sent me in a different direction. I was able to find some book and I already ordered them. As soon as they arrive I am sure I will devour them. I also took your recommendation and started a hub for secondary victims/survivors of childhood rape and incest. This way others will not feel like they are alone. You have been a huge help. If you do not mind can I pick your brain from time to time?
May the lord light your path in all that you do.
Here is a link for partners looking for help on this topic. http://hubpages.com/hub/Spouce-Are-Victims-of-Chil Thank you again Mighty Mom you are a true hero
"Don't Ever Rape"
If you are in sex mood, go for the ladies interested to do sex or do it yourself.
Even if you are uncontrollable after seeing the (sexually explicit) lady, try to make her also for sex otherwise ask her to Don't exhibit your body/cover it properly.
I don't know why these ladies are inspiring these men
I am the husband of a woman who was raped as a child and again when she went away to be with an online predator. I think she once again is in a forced sex situation. Because of her PTSD, she ran off again with a man who helped her with an attack while she was working. they have since been together. I kicked her out and now knowing more about PTSD wish I hadnt. I have had a bad feeling about this man she gave great detail about him.
How can i get her to admit she is being raped cause in talking to her memory is erratic, she speaks of sex as an obligation and says she still loves me and cares about me. What can i do?
E2E -- I agree. Don't ever rape. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all men took that attitude?
Timba113 -- Your wife sounds like she has been through some huge traumas and is in reactive mode. The very best thing you can do for her is to get her to get some therapy for her PTSD.
Getting her to admit she is being raped is not the issue -- she may be engaging in consensual sex with this man.
I also recommend that you get some therapy so you can better understand and support your wife. God bless you both.
Timba139
Please check out my hub I am working through the same problems as a spouce of a rape survivor. here is the link. if you would like I can talk to you more about it.
You have put in a nice researched topic which i find very informative.Despite physical and emotional trauma, there is in fact greater challenges left in front of the victims.
It takes great courage and strength, though healing is still far removed from reality.
Hello chubatemjen. Thank you for visting my rape hub. You are so right -- the physical and emotional trauma have both short-term and long-term effects on the rape victim and her partner (if she has one). It is a devestating crime. BUT, it IS possible to emerge from it and become even stronger. Peace. And thanks again for your comment. MM
i have been raped, by my step brother. and i found that when ever i have the sexual arousal that the feelingd of flith always come back. but what i ifound was the worset is the nightmare that are a constant problem. and i have come a long way. but the nightmares are a constant reminder of the abuse i lived throught.
Hello victim to survivor. Thank you for visting and sharing your experience. I am very sorry about your by your stepbrother. In many ways it's worse when the perpetrator is someone you know.
You don't mention how long ago your rape occurred. However, the recurring nightmares are a classic symptom of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
There is effective treatment for that that can help you get through the nightmares.
Good luck and God bless. MM
I NEED HELP..My partner was gang raped and when we have sex the things she wants me to do makes me feel like a rapist....Im uncormfortable but do it because she likes it..
Slaps,chokes,insults,she even asked me to cut her slightly with a knife(i aint doint it)what can i do???do i bring it up???PLEASE HELP..This is dissturbing me mentally...Thank you
Dear survivor,
Sorry about your partner's gang rape.
The sexual practices you say she asks for are somewhat out of the mainstream, for sure.
Is her desire to be choked, slapped, insulted, etc. directly related to her rape?
Or maybe she just likes masochistic sex.
The main issue is that YOU are not comfortable in the role she wants you to play.
So yes, you should definitely bring it up.
Shouldn't you be able to express your feelings and preferences in your sex life? I think so.
Good luck. MM
I find the articulation of the article and comments quite interesting. I was molested most of my life starting at 4...and raped twice at 16 and 23. I truly thought I had moved past it after getting out of abusive relationships and an abusive marriage...I think about it a lot...I have the best husband anyone could want now and because I am now in a "normal" safe relationship..I don't know how to cope so well..and it has came to the point that my husband had to push me towards therapy again. I know and accept the fact that I need the therapy again but I struggle with the accepting of it because of my profession and knowing how I should handle things yet I can't so in turn it frustrates me. I won't go in details much but until my husband I felt and still do at times..that no one wanted me for who I am but only for what I could do for them sexually. There was a time shortly after being raped the first time that I decided it was less painful and easier to just give the person what they wanted and then so be it...there are times I still struggle with that thought process. I alternate between being hypersexual..though now just with my husband..and then just pure out having an intense hatred for men and not wanting even touched by one..have not yet went through that cycle with my husband..but it has truly altered my mind setting of myself and of men...I dont think I have ever felt the anger because on few times I have felt anger I didn't like it..it wasn't me and it was so hateful and rageful...but I keep being told I need to let myself feel that anger and deal with it..but the anger is extremely strong and I am terrified of the anger I feel........I appreciate the sharing that has occurred here ...it helps many.
Hello Teresa. Thank you for sharing your story. You've been through an awful lot -- much more sexual trauma than anyone should ever, ever have to endure.
Your description of yourself and how you are coping reminds me of putting a tiger in a cage. The tiger is contained, yes. But it's still a tiger. And the longer it's pent up in the cage unable to live naturally and freely, the angrier the tiger will become.
I do understand your fear of letting all that anger out. It is scary.
But I also see you living under a pressure of your own making. You say you know you "should" be able to handle it and don't want to to therapy because of your profession.
There's nothing shameful about getting professional help for a bona fide problem. Recovering from rape truly is not something that nature will make happen with no human assistance. You owe it to yourself and your marriage to find a safe, therapeutic place to process, grieve, and heal.
Good luck. I appreciate your honest sharing. MM
Thank you for this post. It really helped me.
Thank YOU realife for sharing. I'm really glad I could help. MM
I was raped several years ago by someone I trusted. I did not report the rape because I was too scared and too ashamed. Years later I am still dealing with the after effects of this event, it has literally changed my whole life. I cannot establish trust to maintain a relationship, I cannot have sex wihtout having flashbacks....it is ruining my life. I have sought counseling previously and thought I was making progress until I encountered an aggressive sex partner in my last boyfriend. His actions have sent me back to the mental state I was in following the rape, I am in such a dark place, I do not know how to cope with this.
Hi kw. I'm very sorry to hear about the after=effects of your rape. It sounds to me like you may be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Definitely something to ask your counselor about. All these years later there are definitely levels of trauma that need to be dealt with.
I'm not going to tell you to climb up in the saddle and ride again, this time with a gentler horse. If/when you are ready for a new sex partner, you'll know. And be honest with him about your need for gentleness.
And speaking of that, be gentle with YOURSELF.
I also highly recommend writing -- you could write a hub about your rape and what it's done to your life. I know it would be valuable to many people! MM
The effects of rape and sexual abuse may run very, very deep and it affects in all aspects of life.
So I am 16. And when I was raped by my cousin five years ago, I was one of those girls who detached herself from the situation. For years I remembered bits and pieces of it but for the first year I had no emotions. I felt dirty like you said. About a year later, I had sex. I was only thirteen but the entire time all I kept thinking is "Fuck Alex (the boy who raped me)this experience of sex will be better". For me, once someone forcefully took my virginity, sex was no longer a sacred thing. I'm not proud of my response, but I had sex with countless teens. I kept trying to erase the memories of the rape with memories of sex with people who cared about me. Then I learned that no matter how many times I have sex, I will never be able to excape from the awful and long term effects rape has had on me. It's been five years and I am still trying to heal. But I'm not a victim; I'm a survivor. And I have every intention in making my life mean something as opposed to being that easy girl all the boys can get with.
Hello Manduh. You ARE a survivor! I like your strength and your determination to heal. Time can do a lot, but when you are traumatized at such an early age, there's a lot of natural growth/maturation that gets warped.
I hope you have had some rape counseling.
I also hope you find a partner who is gentle and caring and loves you. You've gotten past the numb stage. You've gotten or are getting past the "I will regain control by having sex with anyone and everyone I choose" stage. This is all healthy.
I wish you good luck and a fantastic sex life! MM
Hi Mighty Mom, I came upon this hub trying to search for answers as to why I cannot be intimate with my boyfriend (or any guy for that matter). The thought of even feeling a penis on me is horrifying and makes me freeze everytime he wants to do it. I might break up with him. He seems to feel like sex is what matters because he wants intimacy, but being religious I don't think being sexual before marriage has ever brought me any luck. And I honestly dont know if it ever will. And this is why:
When I was 12 yrs old, my mother has just moved us back to Denver after she served a year on assignment in the Army, so she was always away. This guy in our neighborhood was well liked and a gang member, so everyone looked up to him for protection. Being a little girl, I never liked or trusted men for good reason. They made me feel uncomfortable. I always felt like men liked staring at me and wanted to do things and this was exactly what this man was doing. At 13 he was making subtle moves on me (like touching my leg) but I was not assertive enough to tell him to stop. My mother was also abusive to me and her and the family often invalidated any feelings us children had. So I became scared of him and did not speak up. I didnt even trust my friends because they were sexually active. I couldn't even scream for help when he found me walking back to my aunt's house one night (only 8pm on Sept. 11th) and that date has creeped me out for years. While people fly flags for 9/11, I cry and break my furniture while I remember not standing up for myself and refusing to believe I had become a victim of sexual abuse. I couldn't even cry at that time because I thought it was something everybody did. What I didn't realize was that it was wreaking havoc on my life when I moved to Germany and finally told someone that it had happened. My mother was in tears and felt at fault for what happened, but this was later recanted, as she made a comment that "I was always the victim of something" when he came back to rape me a second time. The first time, no report was made and I only went to a doctor-very traumatic, as I had been a virgin at the time and did not feel like being touched. I became very depressed and angry and could not even defend myself when the second time happened. We had moved back to Denver and I was 15 at the time and staying at my friend's house.
My townhome was not far away and I don't know how he found out where we lived, but I know he came to the door and asked for me. I didn't know who it was until he walked in and I felt extremely helpless. He walked me to a park and tried to undress me, when I started fighting him back. I was angry, I didn't want this. I wanted to go home. I wasn't showered and his breath smelled of hard liquor and drugs. I couldn't escape when he grabbed me because he had a dog with him and threatened to kill me if I made any moves. I couldnt breathe after the encounter and he followed me back home and demanded I let him stay the night. My older sister was sleep upstairs and did not make any attempt to come down to check on me as she would usually do. The look I knew was on his face stopped me from ever making eye contact during sex again and his breath smelled so badly, I can't even let a guy be intimate with me if he stinks or hasn't showered. I couldn't gain any access to the phone until he left with his dog the next morning and I rushed to my friend's house to call police. The startling remains of that day consisted of wanting to send someone out to kill him or call police. We called police. More consisted of the examination, more violation by a speculum in my body, pulling half my pubic hair off me and smelling him on my breath and clothes. I cried more and more as I realized what was real. When I tried to tell my sister what happened, she retorted with a hoarse voice and said "go wash yourself and you shoulda notta let him done it". Bastard. I wish I could go back and punch her for what she said because she continued to use it against me for the next 5-6 years. We dont talk anymore. Police also didnt do anything, as he was incarcerated later, sentenced to 15 years for it, but then ended up getting right back out. My mother did not seem to care and my family retreated to the darkness, not wanting to talk about it anymore. No one would talk to me. About a year later (and this still does happen), the anniversary dates affect me. Sept. 11th and Dec. 17th weeks always get me into a rut of rage, anger, crying and raging revenge. I wanted to kill him when I saw him again at my family's picnic on Mother's Day. But I couldn't and left in my car so I wouldn’t end up arrested for something stupid I know the police would make up. My sister still remains nonchalant about it and thinks I made the whole thing up. I hate people like her, they have no understanding of how violation of physical boundaries have played a role of almost shutting you down so you wont be stigmatized by the community any further.
I am now 21 years old and have just got out of an abusive relationship last December where I ended up standing up for myself and getting out of a situation where the guy could have killed me, but once again I called police and I ended up in jail instead of him. THIS IS UNFAIR. Although the charges were dropped and he's in jail, I dont think justice was served enough to put the guy who sexually assaulted me in jail because he's still roaming around! I know my boyfriend loves me, he really means no harm, but his sexual tactics are not making things any better and I don't want him touching me in places where it triggers those painful effects of my memories. I know it was long, but I never said anything in detail until now. Can you suggest feedback? Counseling has helped, but I need more. I want healing. My therapist is suggesting I don't need sex and shouldn't focus on it, but I would love intimacy with a man I want to marry in the future and I don't want my assault to get in the way and I feel like she doesn't understand this. Please help if you would like.
Hi Michaela, Thanks for visiting and sharing your story. I need to start off by saying I am NOT a rape counselor, but I am a rape survivor. And I know a LOT about healing and moving on with life rather than letting other people control us. And that's what it sounds like is still happening with you, all these many years later.
Are you justified in your rage against the man who sexually assaulted you, not once, but twice? Absolutely.
Are you right to be angry that the justice system failed you? Yes.
Are you sad and disappointed that your family didn't/doesn't support you the way you would want/expect? Certainly.
And even though you have a right to feel rage, anger, hurt, disappointment, they are not doing you one bit of good. They are holding you prisoner. Until you can get past those negative (although justified) feelings you will not get free.
It sounds like your trauma is still very, very vivid and fresh in your memory all the time (overpowering your relationship with your current boyfriend).
As to intimacy -- you deserve a happy, healthy sex life with the man you love. I totally understand you don't want your assaults to get in the way. And they absolutely ARE.
I don't quite know why your counselor says you don't "need" sex and you shouldn't focus on it. Maybe she means she wants you focusing on processing the past events first....
I would suggest that a RAPE counselor specifically might be more helpful. And at some point -- when you're feeling ready -- perhaps a sex therapist as well.
I wish you strength and hope. Let go of the toxic past -- you CAN do it! Good luck and God bless. MM
Hey MM,
Thanks! I can understand how this has driven a wedge in my life and that more counseling is needed. I just wanted to get an opinion from a survivor that has triumphed as opposed to someone who "could only imagine". You do a great job of seeming to be a counselor! I've struggled with this for years and only hope that it'll come to that point where I let it go. Again, apologies for the lengthy paragraph :P It really helps along with therapy and healing to have someone who will at least listen to you. I have much faith that I'll find the way.
Hi again, Michaela,
I'm so glad you see how very much your life is still being negatively impacted. We are all different, of course. And the circumstances of our assaults play a role as well. As that goes, I consider myself a "lucky" one. My rape was "best case scenario."
A thought just occurred -- you might check into sexual ABUSE counseling (as opposed to RAPE) as you have been victimized by your family's emotional abuse, too.
Check out the pointswithpurpose website (see link above) as well.
Good to hear you've got faith. I hope you will soon be feeling stronger and more in tune with your body. At 21, the best is yet to come!! God bless, MM
Thank you so much for this post.
Ever since my encounter I have developed a lot of what was said here. Rape takes away so much from a person. Your feelings of trust, safety, even health.
Ever since my encounter I got some form of PTSD with HIV. I abstained from sex for months, would get tested regularly even though I wasn't sexually active at the time and even when my results would come back negative.
Even now I still will go into a panic attack when I think about it, start trembling, and feel an overwhelming sense of terror. I'm if-y on therapy but I'm seriously thinking about it since I haven't really talked to anyone about my expeirence...
It affected my relationship with my now (ex) bf when I started freaking out and crying and accussing him of having AIDS and making him go get tested. I am officially terrified of sex now. Each time I have had sex since then I can't help but have this fear and reoccuring feelings of panic... I just decided that I simply will not have sex again until I am married because the sense of terror is too much to handle.
Hi jujubeans, your experience sounds like it is still crippling your life. The panic attacks should diminish over time, but since they haven't, I definitely think some professional help is in order. It's not like grief -- a natural, organic pain that goes away by itself. It IS a trauma and you have every right to feel freaked out.
But I must comment that given your reaction to sex with your bf don't expect things to be any different just because you are married. You may not have the AIDS fear may go away, but it may not. Please go see a rape counselor or someone who specializes in PTSD. Good luck. Glad you found this hub and feel free to come back anytime. MM
im a 19yr old female i was gang raped over a year ago when i was 18, at first i blocked it all out til the point i've became pregnant with my first child, it was just recently that i recieved something in the mail from the d.a. and it has caused my life to truely crash...i was sliding down hill this whole time i lost all my friends i quit college ive became angry and sad but it wasnt to this point that i started remembering things from my experience, i was passed out during most of it but events are comin back, i cant sleep or eat unless i take some pills, i just wanna know how i can get through this
Hi torn. I'm so sorry to hear of your gang rape and your subsequent life decline. Angry and sad are natural reactions to what happened to you. Time will help you heal, but that could take quite awhile and you are pregnant and have that child to consider -- and that joy to look forward to. However, not being able to eat or sleep without pills is not good (period, but even worse for the baby). Can you talk to your obstetrician about your rape? He or she can no doubt hook you up with some much-needed counseling.
It's important to know you did not cause the rape and you did not deserve what happened to you.
Although you don't say this, I suspect the letter from the DA says s/he can't prosecute.
We don't all get justice or vengeance when evil people do evil things to us our our loved ones.
But your life must move forward and to do so you need to process the experience and not either obsess about it or numb it out (even though that is our first impulse).
I hope for your sake and your baby's sake you are able to get some rape counseling/crime victim counseling.
I wish you good luck. Feel free to check back in anytime.
Meanwhile, I do recommend the book "Lucky" as I think you would relate! Blessings, MM
hey MM
well can i just say that i found this hub purely by chance while searching for guidance to my thoughts and feelings on what happened to me almost a year ago to the day.in absolute brief as it still hurts like crazy even typing the words..im a 33year old nurse brutally raped in my own home in my bedroom by a so called friend...it statrted off as general chatting til the early hours of the morning then when i said i had to go to bed because i was on a night shift that night....his demeanour changed and turned into almost literally someone that i didnt know. he looked raged and massive all of a sudden standing in my doorway, pinned me down,hit me in the groin abdo and face and u know what happened next :( in a nutshell i told 3 of my best friends and a guy that im seeing who seems to ignore whats happened and wonders why when he gets intimate with me sometimes its ok and sometimes i cry coz the flashbacks come back with a vengeance and i cant carry on..i just feel like he doesnt get it..maybe because he doesnt understand..but sex is not high on my list of 'things to do'...if i never have sex again that would suit me fine,if it just means that i dont have to relive the awful fright and numbness i felt at the time...before this trauma life was great...now i dont go out with my friends as much, i check my door to make sure he isnt there (irrational i know but i know he has been in troble befor for aggravated burglay..i didnt know this at the time though), i sleep walk,nightmares,dont eat properly, cant sleep in my bedroom so sleep on the sofa...and so it goes on. this has changed my life so much and i dont really think my friends understand..they dont talk about it...mind u i dont bring it up but sadly he knows where i work and he knows whee i live which is awful. moving home seems ridiculous coz i'll still be in fear..i am not moving jobs..i really value my job and love doing it.its amazing how someones actions of a few moments can ruin someones life just like that. i eventually managed to speak to one of the doctors i work with who sidelines at a rape counselling service and she put me in contact with them so ive been having counselling for 10 months which i suppose is helping as i can be honest with her about how i feel..its easier speaking to her as she doesnt know me..whereas i feel like my friends say nothing coz they dont know what to say and im not one for going on about me.i can be open and honest with my counsellor and most of the time it involves crying ( im not one to cry at the best of times).Anyway..this is not a therapy session but its just a message to all those including yourself who have come through this ordeal that i admire your strength and courage to continue with your lives..i hope one day i will get there and feel safe, confident and happy again and hopefully move on from this then all these awful feelings of guilt,moood swings, anxiety will disappear as aquickly as thay came after the rape..this hub has made interesting reading and im glad i found it by chance..thank you mighty mum :)
Hi Isc. Thank you so much for sharing here. Your experience is your own, of course, but is also universal for a large number of rape victims. You said soooo many important things. Friends and family want to help, but they can't. They don't have the experience base to empathize. But talking/sharing with others who have been through the trauma really can help. I'm glad you are getting counseling and able to cry. Those tears are therapeutic,my dear. Don't hold them in.
Your experience is still quite new. The memories are still fresh. My rape was in 1985. I can still remember it like yesterday, but what's gone away is the FEAR. I don't live in fear that he will come back. I live 3,000 miles away and my life is totally different.
You WILL get to that point. I wish I could promise it will happen soon,but I don't know that.
I would suggest that anything and everything you can do to feel a greater sense of control over your life is good. Can you move to a different house/apartment, since that was the scene of the rape? A fresh start is very freeing. So what if he knows where you work? You are surrounded by support there. He can't touch you.
Meanwhile, I am sorry for rambling.
I am so glad you found my hub and please, feel free to come back any time. I would love to know how you're doing. Yours in strength, MM
Thank u for replying MM :)unfortunately my family dont what happened to me as they know him and right here right now i dont have the strength to prosecute, its a violation that i would never want to discuss/go through ever again...rape is (i assume) very different to other crimes..theres such a stigma attached to rape...its just not easy to talk about. it is such a personal horrific ordeal.Up until now, only 1 friend knows exactly what happened moment to moment coz it just hurts so much to talk about that im keeping it in. My counsellor knows all the gory details and suggests i tell my friends so i can process my thoughts and feelings without bottling it up and over time the traumatic feelings, realness and the other symptoms of PTSD will get easier.I know shes right its just doing it which isnt so easy. I just take one day at a time right now.As u said a big problem is fear..and yes im fearful in my own home which isnt good. The police have done all they can to make me safe in my home but theres nothing stopping him coming over and gaining entry...ive thought about moving but financially it would be difficult with the current housing crisis in the UK.Maybe in time it will be an option.Im scared that if he comes to my workplace what my reaction will/wont be in front of my colleagues (bearing in mind i work in a busy A&E (ER)department.Anyway i have to believe times a great healer and knowing that so many people have come through this im not alone..(although it feels like i am a lot of the time). Thank u for your kind words MM :)
Isc,
From what you've revealed about the situation, I agree with you about not prosecuting. It would only serve to re-victimize you, and you're right. There is a stigma about rape (and it brings out some pretty unpleasant biases).
Keeping yourself safe, however, is a priority. Do you feel threatened that he may come back and harm you again? Do they have restraining orders in the UK?
What my friend did (our rape occurred in her apt) was have the landlord put bars on the windows. At minimum, could you install window/door alarms?
It's terrible to feel vulnerable in one's own home.
As to work, it does sound like if he were bold enough to come there, there would always be people around to protect you.
I do agree that processing your thoughts and feelings and not bottling them up is great therapy. I know the tendency to just internalize. But it leads to health problems down the road.
Journaling can be a very therapeutic tool. Something about writing it down takes the power out of it. It helps process.
I am not a trained therapist, but based on my experience (both with rape and alcoholism/addiction) I disagree with your therapist. You should not talk to your friends about the rape. That will only end up making you feel worse. Even if they try to sympathize, they can't empathize because they don't have that experience. They will be lost as to how to react. And you may well encounter some of those surprising biases I spoke of earlier. When we have something this big to process it's essential that we turn to others who GET IT. Alcoholics who come to AA find a group of people who have an instant bond of experience. Rape victims, like cancer survivors, have a bond that no one who hasn't lived their horror can share.
I encourage you to seek out rape survivor groups. Your therapist should be able to point you in the right direction. If not rape-specific, at least PTSD groups.
There are also online groups you can join.
Try the Points with Purpose link above and see what you think.
Once again, my best to you. It DOES get better. One day at a time... MM
From CA, where left is right! I absolutely love that! I am from Canada (also where left is right)!
Canada rocks! It is where my hubby and I would want to move if the extreme right takes over the US.
Well you better start packing!
Hi. I'm fifteen. Last year, when I was fourteen, I was raped in the locker room of my high school. The rapist took my virginity. He came up behind me while I was changing alone and hit me, then pinned me onto the floor. I still get ridiculously frightened, beyond the normal little jump, when someone sneaks up on me. I recently was babysitting and the kids started jumping on me and pinning me to the floor, it gave me a panic attack. I've had sex now more than any freshman should, and I know I'm looking for something I'll never find which is a way to validate what happened. I just wanted to say that I think when you have never had sex before, you have sex after just to know what "real" sex feels like. My then boyfriend and I had sex six months after the rape, partly because he took advantage of me and partly because I wanted to know what it was like. Thanks for writing such a great post, it was pretty much describing how I felt for a long time after the rape. The one year "anniversary" is on Thursday, that's why I was searching this. And also, the man who did it is in prison for 25 years. Additionally, I wanted to say that talking to my best friend and telling her what happened helped me in that I got to vent and also feel less alone, but my therapy group is what really saved my life. God bless you:)
Brave of you to publish this hub "Mighty Mom". Rape and sexual abuse, it affects in all aspects of life.
I'm Here To Help Society; I'd Sacrifice Everything; Just To Idolize For One Person; I'll Give Myself Just To Be Able To Help Someone.
I'll Give My Body To A Person Who Loves And Cares For Me; If That Person Even Exists.
use a wedding planner for your special day 4 months ago
"i dont think sex is essential before marriage.... those who have sex before marriage really they are good for nothing" - oh cmon amish friend !
babarushe 4 months ago
This is an exciting hub. It is actually one of my principal areas of writing and speaking at seminars and workshops of singles.
I have written a book on this titled The Irony of Love, Premarital and Extramarital Relationships"
The damages of sex before marriage are not exciting at all apart from the spiritual warning.
I had a lady friend who was hooked up to a guy for marriage. Incidentally, things went sour and they parted. I remember that one problem that made her recovery very difficult was that she gave her body to the guy who later dumped her for another girl who invariably stayed clean with him until marriage.
I have a blog dedicated to this issue at http://www.singlesmarried.blogspot.com
freeenglish 2 months ago
The expression 'life's so short' is used so often, though a portion of the people who use that expression will also say 'wait till you're married', it defeats the purpose of stressing how life is so short. What are we waiting for and why should anyone wait unless they're really not interested? I should also add that life without sex is unhealthy and yes that's a fact, sex is well know as a stress release.
chetan 7 weeks ago
I do not favor sex before marriage. I am also not in favour of extra martial affairs. Well... then that's me.
izettl 2 weeks ago
a woman needs to be comfortable with it and herself emotionally before having sex before marriage. When a man has several sexual experiences before marriage be thinks those experiences are the norm when we all know, sex before marriage is differen than after marriage, not saying better or worse, but different. If a man expects his bachelor sex to be as exciting and stimulating as his sex life will be during marriage then this is where sex before marriage can damage his expectations.
I think sex before marriage can be put into two categories; casual and relationship sex. Totally different.
Great hub and topic.
ashumann 6 days ago
If i get someone whom i would really love, I think it is no crime to have sex with her being agree both.
TravelinAsia 36 hours ago
Do people actually get married before having sex? Really? Why?
Wow, I applaud and thank you for writing about such a personal and real subject. I can see it's helped so many people already just by reading it and realizing they weren't alone. I have personally never experienced anything like this but I have the utmost respect for you. I love seeing people help other people by being brave enough to stand up and share a story. Sometimes that's all someone needs, is to hear it, that way they don't feel alone.
Thank you so much, Choice. I think it's great that you would take the time to read about rape not having experienced it yourself. I sincerely hope it never happens to anyone you know. But if it does... hopefully you will have some insight. Best, MM
hey MM, its me again.i have just read your reply to my message thank u. i have taken your advice and will be attending an 8 week group therapy session with other rape victims..which one day i hope to say rape survivor! ive read the other messages on here and think one day i'll be strong like them ( in the words of whitney houston "i didnt know my own strength". we do have restraing orders in the UK but i figure he will know i have made contact with the police and im so scared of what he could do.At work yes i am protected to an extent but it doesnt stop him coming into the hospital unfortunately.Talking to my friends did not help at all..youre right they couldnt really get it but hopefully the group sessions will be useful. it cant get any worse that much i know. i will try the link u suggested...many thanks MM :)
Thank you for stopping back and sharing your positive news! I am hopeful for you that you will get strength from other women who have shared similar traumas. Knowing you are not alone is a great first step.
Please check back in and let me know how you are doing. Also feel free to contact me through Hub Pages if you want to... I am a survivor and love to be able to share that miracle with other women. Peace and strength, my friend. MM
Hi, I'm 12. Yesterday, i was raped by two men. I was chatting and i organised to meet them. They were all nice but then forced me to drink beer to the point i was doing everything they said. Because i'm a male, I technically lose my virginity but it is haunting me. Plz help.
*didn't
I just had to say thank you again. Especially on days like today. Always my muse, bless You S
xo
Kimberly
Hey dear Kimberly,
Yes, we do have these days, don't we? Glad you are here. xo
When your raped as a Virgin, and your torn and bleeding, it makes you feel like you never want to have sex again..a woman can often feel nothing for years...what you can do is forgive those men that hurt us. I remember Louise Hays the author, who described having to forgive as a ways of healing her cancer..rather then being mutilated through surgery.. thank you for sharing your story! we have to be brave enough to tell our stories..I once wrote a poem about a rape experience, and poetry. com deleted my submission. There's no doubt we can be victimized, but we can choose not to be Victims afterwards. We can empower ourselves through healing ourselves..
hello donna, can i ask u a question that u may or may not be able to answer?....how do u forgive these men that are so brutally disgusting???i just dont know if theres that place in me to forgive him for his selfish disgusting actions.have u forgiven the man that raped u and if so any tips? maybe if i could forgive him i could move on with my life..he just consumes so much of me even now 13 months on....i may be asking a difficult question but if u have any ideas/suggestions it'd probably help..thank u lsc
hi lsc, i'm not sure if donna will be checking back here. i can answer from my own experience, though. i have forgiven the man who raped me and my friend. but the experience is many years old for me. at 13 months i was in no way ready to forgive. right now your biggest challenge is to stop letting him and his selfish disgusting actions take up so much of your mind and time. RECLAIM YOUR LIFE! he does not deserve any of your thoughts or attention. every thought you continue to give to him keeps you in victim mode. He needs to be banished once and for all. have you tried writing about it? writing can help take the power out of bad experiences. or write him a scathing letter telling him exactly how you feel. then burn the letter. it's healing.
meanwhile, i do hope you are getting some rape counseling. it can really help -- even if you feel you don't need it.
good luck. and donna -- i hope you are listening and will come back and comment! MM
thanks 4 ure reply MM..most helpful. u r so right.. for every moment longer i think of him is consuming so much of my time and everyday thought processes. yes im still having counselling fortnightly at a rape centre which is helpful as i can off load (as much as i dont want to offload on my counselor she is very good and knows me pretty well now) I DO need to reclaim my life but its just soooo hard :( i did do a diary as part of my counselling homework and i didnt really find it helpful as it was more time that i was consciously thinking about him and what he did.However on the plus side.. my latest homework was to write a narrative of the nights events which i wrote in some serious detail then found myself quite angry at the end of it..all 6 pages of it (better angry than crying)maybe its healing and a sign of THE good man working in His mysterious ways?..group sessions start at the beginning of april so hopefully things will be better..my PTSD symptoms seem easier but im taking sleeping tablets now which make me hallucinate terribly..(it may be the sleeping tablets or my way of processing this trauma i dont know but i do know it all seems very real at the time:(..i will remain optimistic and keep fighting through...sorry 2 ramble on but ure tips and this hub r really helpful many thanks :) x
I was attacked when i was younger from the age of 12 till i was 16, i'm 23 now and have overcome most of my problems. I still need to sleep with the light on, I have nightmares,i fill sick when in a confrontational or crowded situation and feel like i have a crippling disorder when it comes to initiating sex this brings be to my question. it is inbarising to say this and I don't wish to upset anyone but i prefer to be dominated and often fatasies about rape, i dont use the real thing but creat new scenes with people i fancy as the bad guy. it disturbs me that this is how i have reacted to what happened and i just wanted to know if this is a normal reaction?
Hi lsc, thanks for stopping back by. Wow! Your therapy definitely sounds like it is working for you! I LOVE the anger at reading your 6-page recount of the events. That's a GREAT reaction and definitely is moving you toward health and recovery. I hope you will get some perspective in your group. You are NOT alone and I bet you will even find that your situation is better than some women's (not that we want anyone to have it worse than us, but just to show how far YOU have come). Good luck. I hope you continue on this path.
Enormous -- I'm so very sorry for your pain. It sounds like you could really use some PTSD counseling. Do you really want to be sleeping with the light on the rest of your life? As for your sex life, there is a range of normal. If this feels ok to you then it is ok. But it sort of sounds like you are not happy with being dominated. So again, I suggest you talk to a trained professional and explore WHY this has been your reaction and how you can move toward an equal partners sexual relationship. You have lived an extremely abnormal, traumatic teenhood. You can't expect yourself to heal without help. Time alone will NOT make the damage go away. I wish you health and healing. Hope you will keep me posted on your progress. MM
Your hub were very interesting Mighty Mom..
Any advice for a guy who married the survivor of a rape? Happened 25 yrs ago when my wife was in college. We've been married 12 years now have two kids (9 & 11) and have not had sex for a few years. I 'm afraid to approach the subject as I feel it brings up memories from the past. I think PTSD is definitely a factor.
Hi Joe G,
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. No knowing the circumstances of your marriage, am I correct in assuming you used to have sex (your children are naturally conceived?)but no longer do. That could be due to any number of things, not necessarily her rape. On the other hand, if she is exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, it's quite possible she hasn't processed the rape and it's still affecting her.
My pat answer always seems to be counseling.
The two of you have settled into a sexless pattern, so couples counseling is definitely in order. She may also benefit from her own therapy focused on overcoming the residue of her trauma.
But of course she has to be willing to participate and recognize that she wants/needs external help to oust those old demons once and for all.
I can also recommend a great hubber here, Dawn M, who is a counselor herself. She has all kinds of great hubs on sexual topics.
Good luck. You guys are way too young to be coexisting as roommates instead of lovers! MM
I was raped last april by a close family friend. Now I have herpes. I haven't told anyone except for my fiance and a close friend. I don't know what to do. Going to the police is not an option. I'm miserable enough without bringing any attention to it. Any advice?
Also, I haven't had sex since it happened... I'm terrified of my wedding night. I don't want this to affect our relationship, and I don't want to rob him of that just because something happened to me. I just don't know if I can do it.
Hello anon. I am very sorry to hear of your situation. Reading your words I can really feel your anguish.
Herpes is an annoyance, but is treatable. Over time, I hope you will be able to dissociate your herpes outbreaks from the rape and just deal with them like any other physical thing -- like your period or a cold. I've found that that helps.
But the whole experience is still so fresh and you have zero closure. I know I sound like a broken record, but counseling is the best way to process the event and move forward. We simply do not have the emotional tools on our own to just deal with it.
I think you are wise not to prosecute. Unfortunately, it would cause you more pain and the chances of justice are not that high. So your challenge is to regain your strength without public validation of your victimhood, if that makes sense.
I can tell you are very concerned about your ability to have a normal sex life with your fiance/husband. The amount of fear you are showing about your wedding night is concerning. Self-fulfilling prophesy, you know?
Can you and your fiance get some couples counseling before the wedding? Maybe even some sex therapy? After a physical and emotional trauma we have to reteach our body and more important, our brain, to react normally.
There are two of you now who are impacted by the rape: you and your fiance. You need to involve him in your recovery. Otherwise he will not know how to deal with you (even though I'm sure he loves you very much and wants to please you). Don't compound the injury by just ignoring it and hoping it will resolve itself. It will not.
You say you don't want to rob him of sex just because something happened to you. How about you? You don't want to rob yourself of a joyous sex life just because something happened to you. Please don't let this rape rob you of the beautiful woman you are and will be.
Good luck. Keep me posted on your progress if you feel like it. Blessings, MM
Very interesting article which every hubber is supposed to comment on.Honestly sex after rape can actually be or look like some kind of nightmare and annoying.In fact,this is an annoying experience that nobody pray for.
hello mojefballa. Thank you for your comment. So true. Once you've been forced to have sex with someone it's hard to go back to seeing (and feeling) like sex is a positive, pleasurable act. But over time we can get back to enjoying sex. Unfortunately, the effects of the rape don't end with the crime. We have to fight our way back to normalcy.
Thanks for your comment. Ilike your little cuties!
I was raped 4 months ago in my home by as stranger. I have not been able to be intimate with my husband since. Everytime we try I flash back and have a massive panic attack. Will this ever end and will I ever be able to make love to my husband again?
Hello Tired of the Tears.
You've captured the entire post-rape trauma perfectly in few words.
I'm so sorry to hear about your rape.
My observations/suggestions are NOT a substitute for professional counseling. When you mention "panic attack" a red flag goes up. Are you seeing a therapist? Has anyone prescribed something for the panic attacks? They can be really debilitating.
The first thing is that 4 months is very soon. Those memories are still vivid. Healing takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe try easing into sex. Rediscover intimacy with your husband and retrain your body and mind that sexual feelings are positive and you can trust your husband.
The other thing is that the rape happened in your home. So you are constantly surrounded by memories. You can't escape them. If he raped you on your bed, that bed is RADIATING bad vibes for you.
I know that moving is difficult and may be impossible for you (as it is for so many of us in this economy). Still, a change of scene can be therapeutic. Have you tried having sex with your husband in a location other than your home? Go away for a weekend, perhaps and see how that makes you feel?
So really, the long and the short answer is "Yes." You will be able to make love to your husband again. I can't give you a timetable on that.
But I do hope you get some rape counseling. This trauma really is too big to try to deal with all on your own.
Good luck. I hope next time you stop by to visit you have a new user name that reflects regaining your power as the strong woman you are! Peace, MM
I just want to say thank you for this hub and your generosity. Yours and the commenters' bravery has helped me to understand things with my girlfriend. I'd like to add to the "promiscuous after sex" category, since she was raped (not violently) by a boyfriend at 16 and was a virgin. In the 2 years to follow, she had no sexual contact or relationships, then became "promiscuous" not for pleasure, but because she didn't associate sex with love. She never enjoyed it, it was more of something she felt they deserved (low self-esteem afterwards). After sleeping with about 7 "friends" during the course of a year she met a guy who she cared for and got counseling. She's progressed so much and that was 7 years ago. The subject of her past is hard for her to talk about and I think in her counseling/therapy she's blocked it out to the point that she was a different person then. Since we met 2 years ago, the subject naturally has come up, but our sex life is great and she hasn't had any sexual problems since "re-connecting" body and mind about 5 years ago, through the help of counseling and doctors (I will add she's had depression ever since which I believe is a result of all of it). Her depression is still present every day of her (our) lives, and it makes me so angry that some person has caused this for her. It is hard as a partner in wanting to talk about it and be supportive but bringing up her painful memories hurts us both. It's hard to find the balance of putting it in the past, or if it's good to talk about it (not fully healed?). I've ordered the Partner of a Rape Survivor workbook, thanks to you. As her boyfriend, it's caused just about every emotion possible (anger/sadness) because of those events, but now I admire her so much for how far she's made it, I think I love her even more. After reading so many traumatic stories here, they are all so different and I hope maybe this will help somebody somewhere. I know some of the similar stories helped me.
Hello guyinlove. Your name is perfect for you! Your love for your girlfriend really shows through in your writing. Hers sounds like more or less a success story --that she WAS able to reconnect mind and body. That is HUGE! She is lucky to have such a caring boyfriend!
A couple of thoughts/comments.
1. I am not a psychiatrist but I know enough about depression to suspect your girlfriend's depression is not situational. Depression that lasts years is biological -- a chemical imbalance in the brain. Since she is otherwise functioning (including sexually) it's entirely possible that the depression is coincident. It's quite common for depression to start in your teens.
But it doesn't have to be debilitating! It sounds like she has done a great job of healing with the aid of medical and mental health professionals. I do hope she is getting treatment for the depression as well.
2. Regarding talking vs. not talking about the rape -- take her lead. If she wants to talk about it, she will.
For me, 26 years later, I don't really like others to bring up the rape. It's kinda my own special scar. But if I feel like bringing it up, I will do so. Perhaps it's a control thing...
Anyway, just a suggestion.
It sounds like your girlfriend is definitely NOT letting her rape experience define who she is today. She is in a loving relationship with great sex.
She is far from 16 -- in more ways than one.
I hope you will post again. I would love to hear your reaction to the Partner of a Rape Survivor workbook!
God bless, MM
I'm a multiple rape survivor. I think the answer to your question about its effect on a person's sexuality varies in relation to who the perpetrator was and how long the rape situation went on. After one of my rapes I lost all sense of rational fear - I believed that the worst thing that could happen to me had already happened (unfortunately, I was wrong about that because I was nearly murdered again about two years later in a random incident - no idea who our attackers were) and I became intent for a short time on re-establishing a sense of control over my own body and my own autonomy.
Anyway, you are very brave to write about this. I have written a little book addressing coping mechanisms and so far all I have received is one "review" calling my work "paranoid and delusional". But, I'm hoping it helps someone. I'm still a little fresh from the most recent attempt on my life and since I've been attacked multiple time, it is getting harder and harder to recover. I was much more resilient 20 years ago. Mainly, I cope by working from home and staying well-armed.
Just reading through the other comments. I see someone is asking how you forgive these monsters. My answer is: You don't. You do seek justice and revenge in order to restore balance to your life, though.
Louise Hayes has written some good books and many of her points are valid. But, there is no way to forgive someone who has held you at gun point, strangled, raped and brutalized you, destroyed your health, your ability to earn a living and live like a normal person or in one of my experiences killed my unborn child. Anybody who thinks you have to forgive rapists and child killers is just as bad as they are, in my opinion. Unfortunately, there are lots of these people. In fact, they seem to be the majority. Most of them well never understand what you've been through until they've been through it themselves because they - like rapists - lack the ability to empathize with other people.
Hello Angela,
You are an amazing survivor. I simply can't imagine going through the rape ordeal more than once. But you're so right -- it doesn't give you immunity from other horrors in life.
I'm sorry you have had to change your life so drastically. But I totally understand why.
We all have different viewpoints/experiences of forgiveness. I'm not sure how I feel about my rapist. I'm pretty sure I will never forgive him.
Could not agree more that unless someone has been through it they cannot empathize. Some people may want to, but they simply don' tknow how. It's a very real barrier between "us" and "them."
I appreciate your sharing your experience here.
God bless and please take good care of yourself! MM
hey i am going threw a lot of this know. i am 23 and i just turned my step dad in for raping me since is was 13. my family blames me and takes his side. i became a cutter and suicidal. i have never had sex with another guy it has always been my step dad raping me. so now i am terrified to even date or have sex with someone else
hey mm, thought i would just message u and say my now 12 week 'therapy class of 6 people' is going really well so far. we are all in the same boat although all of our circumstances are very different..it is so nice to know u are not in this rubbish predicament alone.i really feel like im going mad and sufering alone. Although we are all strangers we have a bond already after only 2 sessions. our counsellor has mapped out a very thorough timetable for the next 12 weeks on how to deal with ptsd,anxiety,sleep problems,relationships,kindness and compassion to ourselves etc. im really hopeful that i will feel better after this...because i really cant feel any worse than i do..i know its a long struggle but im optimistic from reading this hub and my personal counselling sessions i will one day come through the other side...thanks for your advice and guidance through this hub ure amazing and a true inspiration to all of us goin through this traumatic time x
Ive always considered myself a mans man,fully in control of my emotions...but..the comment section I just spent twenty minutes reading makes me almost ashamed to be a man...I know this will Carry no weight with you ladies who've been ...well,you know,but I need to apologize for the scum of my gender that did this to you...I just don't know what else to say but I'm so sorry.Ladies,there really are a few good men out there.Again,I apologize.
Dean
Hello Dean,
What an incredible comment! I'm floored that you took the time to read through and see how personally devestating this crime is. Any assault is traumatic, but rape does damage to the very personal core of the woman. And its effects can mess her up for years afterward. Not to mention her partner, who is a secondary victim.
On the bright side, the men and women who've commented here are working hard on their recovery.
I'm sure everyone feels as I do, that we appreciate your support.
I'd like to believe there are many, many more GOOD MEN out there than rapist scumbags.
Thanks for that reminder, Dean. MM
i got raped when i was 12 by my brothers friend, my brother wouldn't believe me at first and by the time he did i was an absolute mess. we decided to take it to court, only to have it cancelled a week before. it did make me very promiscuous, i think in my mind my attitude was 'if i give it to them, they can't take it from me'. i'm 19 now, and as a result of my promiscuity i got raped again last week.
Dear Anon,
Thank you for writing. How are you doing? Are you in shock over this second assault?
The horrible thing about rape is it's not like chickenpox where if you have them once you can't get them again. We don't get immunity.
You are 19 now and just coming into your sexual prime - with a whole life of (hopefully) loving sex ahead of you.
First, tho, you have a lot of healing to do.
Please, please, please get some counseling. If you read some of the comments above you will see how helpful it can be.
You don't want to continue living a dangerous, unfulfilling, "the best defense is a good offense" life, do you?
I don't mean to lecture here. I do want you to know you're not alone and you WILL heal from this. The power to get past these crimes and move from dysfunctional sex to thriving womanhood is within you.
God bless and good luck. MM
i do think i'm in shock, it's the type of thing that shouldn't happen once, nevermind twice to a person. i am definitely changing my lifestyle, i'm not aiming for a third. i haven't told anyone, nor do i plan to, i've only just gotten rid of my 'victim' label from last time... i don't want it hanging around my neck again. the first time it happened it ruined my education, i went from being an a* student, to barely scraping my GCSE's. i've currently just started my exams and i refuse to let the same thing happen this time. i have never met you in my life, but thanks for being there for me when i feel like nobody else can...
Hello again, Anon.
I'm so glad to hear you are taking charge of your life. Congrats that it only took you 7 years to get rid of the victim label the first time around. Too many girls/women never even get there. So that's huge.
This time around you recognize your part in things. And that's huge, too.
No reason to let "them" ruin your life. The best revenge is not to let them win. Be the woman you know you can be. Your life starts NOW.
True, we have not officially met. But we have a bond that makes us instantly connected. I understand. And I'm not just saying that.
BTW, I am lucky that my own irresponsible lifestyle didn't land me with a second rape. It sure could have.
I hope that you know -- not believe, but KNOW -- that you are a gift. And a loving man is also a gift. When you're ready, when you're comfortable with where you've put yourself in terms of school, work -- whatever other accomplishments are important to you -- love will come to you. Because you will attract it. This I also know to be true from my own experience.
Please keep me posted on how you are doing, ok?
(((anon))) MM
thankyou so much, i most definitely will keep you posted... you are truly an amazing woman for doing what you do. those two comments alone have helped me a great deal.
i feel silly for being anon, but i have a very unusual name, i don't want to risk someone i know seeing this
Cool. Anon is just fine to use here!
I just hope you don't feel anonymous in your own life.
Living well is the best revenge.
Stay strong, dear lady.
I look forward to hearing from you as you heal.
MM
I was raped by my high school basketball coach on multiple occasions when I was 17. About 3 months after he raped me the last time, i was raped at a party by 3 guys i had never met.
I am now 22, and I still haven't really dealt with any of this. I've been in and out of therapy since then and cannot seem to open up to anyone enough to really deal with it all...whatever "dealing" with it means. On top of trying to deal with this, I am also a recovering drug addict trying to stay clean. When feelings around the rape come up, i used to cope with it by using drugs. Now that I am clean (10 months) I don't really know what to do to feel better.
I am very happily married and have been for 3 years now, but being raped definitely has a huge impact on my relationship with my husband. I am happy to see so many people post on this site - the insight is really great. It's nice to know I am not alone.
After I was raped, I definitely had a very indifferent attitude about sex. I didn't care who I slept with at all because sex had lost most of its importance to me. Now that I am with someone I love and care about, sex is a lot more difficult. Luckily he is the most patient and kind man I have ever met. He is nothing but supportive of me and what I have been through.
Some days are great and I don't think much about what happened. Other days it's all I can think about, and it's hard to get through the day. I still have very vivid nightmares about the rapes. I often have flashbacks while I am with my husband, and I am a lot more sensitive to touch and noises - I startle a lot easier than I used to.
I'm writing here because I dont really know how to talk about it in person. I am sick of blaming myself and I am sick f feeling the way I do. This man who raped me walked away without a scratch - getting justice when the perpetrator is involved in a school system is difficult...on top of the fact that my parents don't know and I was too ashamed to tell most people the truth. I continue to blame myself and I am sick of it. Intellectually I know it wasn't my fault..none of the times were..but I just can't really feel it, or fully believe that it wasn't my fault.
I just walked out of my therapy session today after telling my therapist I wouldn't be coming back. I'm sick of running away from the problem but I truly don't know how to deal with it.
Thanks to everyone else who posted before me..it means a lot.I feel a little better after writing this..
Hello RG,
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You've really been through the wringer. But your attitude is great and you seem to have made a lot of healthy progress in your life since your rapes. What a blessing to have a supportive and patient husband!
I totally understand that "stuckness" of going around and around. Of COURSE you know it wasn't your fault. But it did happen to you, so there's still that nagging doubt that you could have done SOMETHING differently...
But in the end, it happened and it's now part of you. It always will be, but it doesn't have to hold you back at all.
You said something interesting -- and so typical. You said you used drugs to numb out the feelings. I swear, if we're not druggies and alkies before the rape, we sure do naturally know where to turn, don't we? But you're smart to kick that habit. You can't numb yourself forever.
10 months of clean time is AWESOME! Congratulations. I also understand how THAT feels (7 years for me, but I remember the early days vividly). So here's my thought.
The fellowship of AA/NA (all the same in my book -- these days it's near impossible to find a drinker who doesn't also abuse other drugs) is free therapy. I swear. You walk into the rooms and it is AMAZING how many other women have been through similar traumas. Molestation as young girls. Rapes by adults/authority figures. Rapes due to our promiscuity. You name it, you'll find others who have lived through it.
Therapy is obviously not working for you -- right now. Ok, so you made a good decision to walk away (or maybe take a break).
As I see it (and dontcha know I am omniscient and can see EVERYTHING. Ha ha) right now your primary challenge is staying clean. The rapes are in there, to be sure. But the daily work is around not picking up and putting in in response to those past events or anything else.
I sincerely hope you are getting or will get recovery support. If my experience is any gauge -- and I think it really is -- you will be amazed what you get back when you open up in a group of fellow women addicts.
Good luck to you.
Please keep us posted on your journey.
Yours in serenity, MM
Rape is difficult to discus. I still suffer. I have had 4 repeats in 4 years; pretty much once a year since I was traumatized as a child. When I was young and did not know what sex was I was used by my own blood; my brother I don't blame him since we were both young and naive but it was suppressed from age 5 to age 14. One day, my brother wrote me a letter when he was in prison (from matters that were not related). It described of what he had done. I was traumatized. Before I read the letter I thought I was a virgin and I was going to wait till I got married. The instant my memory suppression broke I lost it. I told my mom, she brought the letters to my brother and confronted him at visiting hours. He denied the letters and it never happening and then says his mind wasn't in the right place and she forgave him. If he had kept it to himself I wouldn't blame him but now i do. Before he broke my suppressive state I was a straight A student from k to 8. From then on I slipped away. I took drug, drank, and had relations with people. I didn't and couldn't really trust anyone. To this day I can't be in a healthy relationship. I am 21 with a great job and had repeated accounts. I swear I would quit on relationships, but i don't like being alone. I am an example of having sex with men to feel better about myself; to feel like I am wanted, desired, and/or worthy. Heart and soul I just want to fit in but I can't, because of what had happened to me. I don't deny my mental state i suppress it to myself because my family and friends don't believe it is true. They see it as a fantasy he made up. I actually got a shock wave of memory of details he didn't describe. My question to all of this is, is young age an issue? Do people like me actually don't get far in life? I push myself harder and harder I just feel like I am here for a reason. I just don't know why yet. Yes, rape can cause someone to have more explicit sex with people. Mainly for people that were traumatized at a younger age.
From: RG (now registered..!)
Thanks so much for your quick response. Your compassion and dilligence in answering all these comments is really amazing. I do a lot of reading and have come across forum type places similar to this, but none that are nearly as good. I've never felt compelled to write on any of them, so thank you.
I attend AA (agreed that NA and AA are essentially the same) meetings pretty much everyday. I get in service, I have a sponsor and I am working on the steps. You are right, it is free therapy. The rooms of AA are an incredible place but I guess I have the same problem here an with my sponsor as I do with therapists. I just cannot open up. Sure if I tell my story I include being raped..not all the sordid details..but I do talk about it. The feeback is always great, but leaves me feeling pretty empty when it all comes down to it. The more I talk, the more it's real, and the shittier I feel.
I do believe that staying clean is my main goal. Without my recovery i have nothing - my problems are still there and are exacerbated by the drink and the drug, as you clearly know. I don't even have much else to say just really frustrated I guess.
It's not that I wasn't an additict or alcoholic before i was raped..I definitely believe that I was. But after all that happened is when things started to get insanely out of control. And I can distinctly remember making a decision to use drugs and alcohol so I wouldn't have to feel what was really going on.
Today I feel the aftermath of that, but it's weird because sometimes I really do still feel numb. Maybe numb is the wrong word..flat, perhaps? And don't get me wrong - my life is fantastic, it really truly is. I have so much to be grateful for. And I am. I guess the problem is I feel like I have just as much to be angry and resentful about. So even on good days, all the negativity is still in there somewhere.
Now I'm just rambling :) thanks again..you are very strong, brave and compassionate.. It's clear that many many other people agree. Thanks..
Rachael
Hope does well for you Rachael. You are the higher power and continue doing as you do. I am not an expert at helping people or physcology, but I will say it is very liberating to hear your views. Taking care of yourself is important. I have been placing myself away from drinking myself. Not be cause of the explicit interations I have with the opposite sex, I have been monitoring my drinking to avoid being a victim again and again. Alcohol can impair your judgement. What may seem ok when you are drinking could easily not be okay when you are sober. Thank you on your insight and venting. I understand and know that it is vigurating to be able to open your self and not be judged. I do so by not giving a face to who I am. I just textually place my views and comments. Enjoy life to the fullest, I would guess that is what we are here for anyhow. We have a reason, but we will not know. Our lives are being tested day by day, month by month and year by year. I try to do so but it is hard to suppress all that has happened. I guess my vent is over. For now.
Oh my goodness! This is AMAZING! I am so excited to see two strong women supporting each other here. Rachael, I am really glad you registered. I hope you will actually hub (post articles) and be a "real" hubber now! Add your voice to the chorus. Sing your aria!
IwillNotSay, I'm pleased to meet you. Many of the "pieces" of your story are so familiar. Even though yours is sexual abuse at a very young age by your brother, the trauma is still with you. Who is to say that even if your brother had not triggered your repressed memories that something else might have? We will never know, because he did.
I'm really glad you're curbing your alcohol consumption. You're so right. We put ourselves in dangerous situations when we're looped. And then wonder why things happen to us that we know would never happen if we were sober.. Hmmmm.
I appreciate your taking the time to share your story and also t share your strength with Rachael and anyone else who happens to be reading.
Carry on, ladies. And come back anytime! Cheers. MM
IWillNotSay
Thanks for commenting and for sharing your story. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, but I hope you begin to feel better. I definitely agree that its' a good idea to stay away from alcohol. When I was still drinking, I put myself in incredibly dangerous situations, and nothing good ever came from it. I know you will get through it.
I don't even really know why I am here writing again, but I'm trying anything possible that will make me feel better. Most of my attempts at forgetting about how I feel are futile, but writing sometimes helps.
The man who raped me was my high school basketball coach, and my little brother still attends this very school. Today I had to go back to this school, as I often do, to watch my little brother's school play. Sure, I could choose not to go I suppose. But he is my little brother and I don't feel like I can just never attend any of his school events anymore.
Walking down the hallways of this high school, I half expected this man to be there. I know that this is illogical and he doesn't work there anymore and won't ever be back there, but it's all I could think about. No one even knows the truth about what happened. People at that school, students and teachers, believe I seduced my basketball coach, slept with him, and then got him fired. I feel like everyone stares me and judges me the second I walk in there. Maybe this is true, maybe it isn't. I don't think that I would suddenly feel better about the situation if everyone knew the truth, but I do think it would help.
Halfway through the play, I had to get up and go wait in my car because I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to make up some excuse to tell my mom because she doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know how much I despise going back to that school and how much pain it causes me.
As I've said before, the only way I know how to deal with the pain surrounding the rape is to drink or use drugs. Unfortunately or fortunately, however you choose to look at it, this isn't an option anymore. It's not like I truly believe that getting high would solve my problems..I do know, though, that getting high would certainly make me feel better for a little bit. The problem is the mess my life turns into when I put a substance into my body. Not only am I then left with the pain I already have, but I'm left trying to deal with the mess I've created by drinking or using drugs. All I really want to do is go out and get as fucked up as possible..excuse my language.
I wish this man felt even half the pain that I do. I wish he could see how screwed up my life became after he did what he did to me. But really, nothing happened to him. He had to leave the school, yes, but that was it. He is now coaching girls college basketball, as well as a younger girls basketball team. Part of this is my fault - I wasn't at a place where I could tell anyone the truth because I didn't know how to deal with it. I most definitely wasn't in a place where I even considered going to the police or anything like that.
Some days I can convince myself that I don't wish him any harm. I hope he is doing okay, and sometimes I even wonder what exactly he is up to. Other days, like right now, I hope he is miserable. I wish he walked around, day in and day out, an felt the kind of pain that I feel.
I hate that I still think about him. Part of me misses him, which makes me feel sick and pathetic. I feel like I should have known better, like all of it could have been avoided. I was 17 - it's not like I was a little kid. I absolutely should have known better, especially after it happened once.
Anyway - I don't have much else to say. Just trying to do anything to make myself feel better that doesn't involve picking up a drink or a drug. Thanks to everyone who shared before me, and thanks again to Mighty Mom for writing this hub so I have a place to come share all of this..
Rachael
Hi Rachael! Glad to see you have added your pic. I hope you will write some of these incredibly valuable feelings in hubs. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE that you feel safe to comment here on my hub. But as you said, writing is therapeutic. I think if you wrote your own hub about your specific situation with being abused by an older authority figure you would be surprised at the response.
A couple of thoughts occurred to me as I was reading your comment:
1. Whether your relationship with the coach was consensual or not doesn't matter. You were underage and he was an authority figure. That is an abuse of power and trust. It's natural to have conflicting feelings about him and what happened. It was NOT your fault!
2. In recovery we learn that we are as sick as our secrets. Holding in the truth about what happened with your coach is keeping YOU sick. You know you can't go back to drinking/using. That is not an option. But you have to process that horrible dark stuff. Get it OUT! This does not necessarily mean telling your mom. Although I'm a bit confused as to how the coach got fired from the school. Was the public story that you and he had an affair? Anyway, I digress...
What I am talking about is working the Steps. When you write out your 4th step (and if your sponsor does it so you do a separate sexual inventory) you put this all down on paper. That takes some of the power out of it. Telling it to another person who will not judge you -- more than likely your sponsor -- is extremely freeing.
Like having a huge burden lifted off your shoulders.
3. Your feelings about wanting him to suffer and be miserable. Are you right to have a resentment against this man? Absolutely. But resentments keep us sick and don't serve any positive purpose in our lives.
As I have learned, having a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It hurts us. It has NO EFFECT on the other person. Wherever he is, he is in his own version of hell. Or maybe he has brushed the whole thing off and gone on to repeat his behavior with another girl. As far as you are concerned, it doesn't matter! You can't control his life. You can't control how he does or doesn't feel about what he did to you. You can only control YOUR REACTIONS.
I don't want to get all heavy here so I will stop there.
I do hope that the next time you go back to the school you will feel a little stronger. And the next time, stronger still. Concentrate on the good memories you have of the school. Over time (and I can't say how long it will take) it will cease to have that vivid emotional connection for you... At least, that's been my experience!
Good luck and I hpoe you have a great day. (((Rachael)))
MM
You're absolutely right - really what it comes down to is doing the steps and letting go of the resentment. I've been trying to get this recovery thing for a couple years now, and 10 months is the most I've had. I know that resentments and feelings like this will only cause me to go back out.
I'm working on it! Trying at least. I am doing the steps with my sponsor...slowly but surely. For once I am finally willing to do the work it takes, and that includes letting go of the resentments I have surrounding being raped.
Thanks as always for your compassion and your comments. :)
Rachael
Hi Rachael! That's great that you're working on recovery. It's not a race to get through the steps. On the other hand, the sooner you can get all that bile out of you through the 4th and 5th steps the stronger your foundation will be. They're all important, but to me, sitting down and reading your 4th step writing with a sponsor is sooooo freeing!
Letting go of guilt, shame, self-blame, and oh yes, pages and pages of RESENTMENTS. It's fabulous.
But do take your time and make sure you are 100% on board with the first 3 steps, especially the Third Step.
You're going to be fine.
There is incredible wisdom and compassion in the rooms. I hope your sponsor has a strong sobriety "family" to fold you into. I love my sponsor and my sisters. They are all awesome women and beautiful, each in her own way!
Best of luck to you, my dear!
I'm always here so stop by anytime! MM
Very interesting hub,Thanks for the great info..Nice information
My friend was raped when I was at university, I was the only one on hand to deal with it and it was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I felt so helpless and frustrated because she didn't want to go to the police or take it any further. She knew the rapist. I have a huge amount of respect for all of the women on here who have rebuilt their lives after rape.
hey mm, its me again..just thought i would check back into the hub after a short period..i have to say my group counselling is amazing (maybe bit wierd saying that) but we are all in the same boat and going through similar traumas every day...this is week 9 of 12 sessions and we really genuinely care about each other..they are like friends i never had bizarre.My group know truthfully how i feel and can be empathetic unlike my friends who have no idea what i battle through daily, and its not their fault but makes talking to them difficult sometimes having to explain why i feel the way i do etc..i strongly believe that people come into your life for different reasons whatever the circumstances and ive met these truly inspirational ladies who have kicked my butt onto the right path again..i actually see a glimmer of hope for my future.its got to the point where i have to move home as he continuies to pester me and leave flowers at my door etc etc..i just dont get his mind set???i just wonder if he gets what he has done or if he is just incredibly ignorant and stupid??? i still continue to blame myself for what happened even though i know i couldnt have done anything and if i did i probably wouldnt be here today.i found out recenlty what a violent aggressive person he is which frightens me..but then i cant live in fear forever, no way, life is for living not existing..i think ive spent too long just existing..now im tackling my PTSD symtoms head on i do feel stronger and will one day be that survivor of rape and not the victim..sorry for ranting i wasnt coming onto here to say all that but i want to wish all the ladies who have posted above the very best and we will get through it..u have shown us it can be done and im grateful...thank u mm (again)lsc :)
I'm SO glad to hear back from you and to know that you have found the support you need. You are so spot-on about how unhelpful it is to talk to friends who haven't been through what you've been through. I could go on about all the reasons it's pointless to look for sympathy, empathy or even support from friends. They simply don't have the bandwidth. And their reactions can be downright unhelpful (some even catty and mean). No one needs that!
I hope your group counseling friends will stay close and in touch after the formal sessions are over. You have a bond that is strong and unbreakable!!
Thanks for coming back and giving hope to others who may be debating the value of counseling.
Glad you're taking care of yourself. And moving home seems like a smart move, given this weirdo's actions.
My guess is that no. He does NOT understand what he did. He is a sick bastard. It would be great if you could warn future victims of his violent tendencies. But really, that's not your job. Your job is to get You healed!!
So keep up the great work.
stop back and comment any time you like!!!
MM
i'm the 19 year old anon from previous posts... i thought i'd keep you posted like i said i would. i've finished my exams and my fingers (and toes) are crossed. i told my boyfriend about what happened (as much as i hated to, i didn't want to feel like i was making it HIS problem too) but he's been really supportive and literally just held me for hours while i cried. he didn't tell me everything was going to be fine and he didn't tell me it's okay... he just told me i was strong enough to get through it if i tried... i've really changed my ways. i don't drink on nights out anymore as an extra precaution. you really helped me, just through making me feel like i had someone to talk to. i will forever be thankful of that x
this must be the day for great news!
I'm really glad you told your boyfriend. His reaction is about the best I've heard from any friend or lover ever.
Mostly it's wonderful to read that you are processing and moving forward -- safely and sanely -- in your life.
I will share with you that it's not a linear recovery process. But hopefully your down days will be fewer and farther in between now.
I hope you will continue to keep me and the Hub Pages nation updated on how you're doing.
All the best to you. MM
I just wanted to say that shouldn't it be specified that it isn't just women who are raped. men are too you just don't hear about it as often.
Hello srvivor05-07. Thank you for raising an excellent point. Men do get raped, and not just in prison. But the general "image" of rape is heterosexual man on woman.
Sounds like you have some insights into the topic. I would be delighted to link hubs -- survivorship is for ANYONE who has suffered the brutality of being forced to have sex against their will.
God bless, and thanks for commenting. MM
I was molested as a child by peers and strangers, and raped several times as a college student. One of those rapes resulted in a pregnancy. When my daughter was a few months old, an admirer from high school came to visit me. He had always tried to coerce me into having sex. I was so lonely and torn down emotionally that I was just glad to have someone be "kind" and hold me. It was the first time since the rape that I had an orgasm. After a few months, we stopped engaging in sex, and I moved back to my hometown with my then 2 year old daughter. I craved sexual satisfaction. I wanted to feel "good" again. I became promiscuous, sometimes having a new partner every month. I almost always wanted a relationship, but I offered sex, because my experiences led me to believe that was what men wanted from me. At the same time, I began to gain weight. I somehow thought that if they still wanted to be with me, they didn't just want sex. I was mistaken.
I have been trying to figure out if I'm a sex/love addict, or if my promiscuity is just the result of all the sexual trauma of my childhood and adulthood. I don't have the answers yet, but I do know that for me rape led to promiscuity.
Hi Mildred. Thanks for sharing your story. You've suffered an awful lot of trauma.
From your description you don't sound like a sex addict. You see a very clear correlation between your rape and becoming promiscuous.
There's a lot going on and it sounds like you have just rolled with the punches for a long time.
I hate to sound like the "counseling queen" but if you read some of the posts above you will see that it can be very, very healing.
Certainly would help get some perspective and maybe learn some behavior modification techniques around your view of/relationships with men.
I wish you all the best in finding the beautiful, strong, HEALTHY woman you are inside all this trauma!
God bless, MM
Hi and your site here was helpful. I dated a girl that was raped 2 years ago. I love her and after 8 months she up n walked. Said she was a bad person, dirty etc. she text everyday but only to say i love u. What should I do?
Hi Ron,
Gosh. Sorry to hear about your girlfriend's rape. Sounds like she is still feeling the after-effects of her trauma.
But she also sounds conflicted -- she wants to be close but not really close.
If you really love this girl and want to be with her, maybe you could sit down and talk to her about her feelings and suggest she get some counseling.
Of course I don't know the circumstances of her rape -- not that that really matters. But it does sound like it is still ruling her life and now yours.
I honestly don't see how you can move forward in a relationship with her until she gets her self-worth back.
My heart goes out to you both.
Good luck. I hope things work out. MM
We are currently living 3 hours away. Shes away trying to get her mind right, she says. She wants help but isnt getting it. Should i try and get her to go or just butt out. Shes very traumatized. I love her alot and want to help but dont know how.
It's obvious you love her a lot and you are feeling pain over her pain.
If she really wants help she will get it.
She will not get her mind right without some kind of external help. This isn't like an "owie" that will heal itself.
She may be paralyzed with inaction. People do get that way when overwhelmed or depressed. She may simply not have the capacity to pick herself up and go get some help.
Sounds to me like you want to make this work.
Perhaps you could do the legwork for her, research rape crisis centers either where you live or where she lives, and take her there by the hand.
That's about all you can do besides sitting and waiting for her to come back to you "whole" which likely will not happen without some outside intervention.
So that's my best thought.
Good luck to you!
Susan
I believe that as you continue to work through all this things will eventually get better for you. You will love a loving man who deserves you. In the meantime, you are doing a great thing giving others hope and inspiration in sharing your terrible experience.
in the month of April I was raped by my best guy friend, for days I was a total wreck. I couldn't sleep, I could hardly eat, I was afraid to go to school ( he didn't go to the same school, but it in walking distance) I was at my house when it happened, he told me he wanted to hang out. I told him he'd have to sleep on my floor and act homosexual if he wanted to come over. so he said okay and he came over, it was pretty normal for a while. I had brought a bottle of cola to my room so I didn't have to go up and down the stairs to get some. I had to leave the room for a moment and before I left I told him to fill my glass, when I was gone he drugged my drink. I drank it, I felt something go down my throat when I drank it but I payed no mind to it, thinking it was my imagination. after a while I started feeling dizzy, it was getting difficult to walk straight and stand up without feeling weak. so I lied down on my bed, and then I heard a "click". he locked my bedroom door, and that's when I realized what was going to happen. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch him. but I couldn't find my voice, nor the will to fight back. I don't remember how my cloths got off, I remember only having them on. and then some how being off. it was agonizing, if I could have found my voice and screamed, my mom and dad would have come rushing and it would have never happened.
The morning after he was still in my house, I felt like scream then and there. But I didn't want my parents to know, so I called my best and most trusted friend. and she said I could come over. so I woke that guy up and told him I had to go, and that he and to go too. I directed him to the bus and then I left myself to my friends house. I texted my mom where I was going, and when I was on the bus I was violently sick (thankfully I brought a bag with me in case cause I was already feeling a bit sick) I had stayed at my friends house all . even though she had left at 2 PM to go to an Easter dinner at her step-dads parents house and came back at 10PM. her mom saw the condition I was in and told me I could stay at their house until they came back. so I slept, threw up, slept, threw up. and that had happened until 7 PM and then I was feeling a bit better. and finally had gained the courage to call the woman's assault line. after that, I had called and told my older sister what had happened, I told her to tell my mom, not to tell my dad. and to come get me to go to the hospital the assault line had set me up to go to, to make a rape kit. shortly after the call with my sister, my best friend came home and I told her what I was gonna do.
when I was at the hospital, the most horrible thing possible happened. the guy who raped me aunt was the one who was suppose to do the rape kit with me. after she found that out, she with drew from the case and another doctor came. I was crying the whole time we were doing the kit, even before then, I was crying. I get now that I was crying because I was afraid and I felt betrayed. I was scared. all my best friends know and have sworn to secrecy. I still have to do my interview with the investigator. at the tine when it happened. I was 14, in may I turned 15. I still feel like ripping my skin off and burning alive. I moved, I was suppose to move before it happened because of my dads job. I don't have the same bed or anything. I'm still afraid. My boyfriend knows what happened, but recently he has been wanting to have sex. I, do not want to, I am scared. I am scared of men now. so I really don't know what to do. will it always be like this?
Hi! Bandit-lee! I appreciate it very much, at least I know from it someone is reading the contents I have here.
Hello Phone Sex -- glad you're getting something out of this thread.
Bandit-lee. I can tell you from experience that NO, it will NOT always be this way. But, you are very young and this is still very fresh in your mind. So for now, just try to take one day at a time.
I hope the investigators will prosecute this guy for rap. I hope your doctor took not only the rape kit but did a blood test to show that you had been drugged. Plus, being 14 you are underaged and if this guy is older then you've got statutory rape on top of the other charges.
It's very natural to feel afraid of men and not feeling at all sexual after rape. (Alternatively, some women become promiscuous -- and this may happen to you as well, but please don't worry about that).
Take good care of yourself. If you can, get some rape counseling. The best medicine is being around and talking to others who have lived through the same thing.
Others (family members, friends) may mean well, but often say the exact wrong thing. You DON'T need that!!
I appreciate you taking the time to write your story.
You are a strong young woman and a survivor.
Please do everything you can to make yourself whole again.
And I know this doesn't need to be said, but I'm going to say it anyway: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! Not a single thing. And anyone who tells you differently is wrong.
God bless you, MM
Mine happened twice. I knew my attacker I lived with him. My rape was about 12 years ago and i just started dealing with it about 6 months ago.. I tried to hide it all away. Hoping it would it would all go away and i would not have to deal it. The first was not my fault at all but for a long time I felt like I could have prevented the second one.. My attacker got 13 years in prison with no parole.. I mow know neither was my fault. I was a little girl I was 9 and still am not sexually active butdeal with a great deal of flasbacks..
I am going to say your hub really inspired me. I use be a victim myself a while back. Thanks for posting this.
i was rated when i was 8 years old and i have never told eneyone. i can not stand it when a man tuching me no evan if i love him and have deen with hm for years. when i first experenst that i was very uncufterbul with a man tuching me i thought i was gay for like 2 moths but i so did not fancy girls.i have a lot for problems seronding the fact i was raped like i never told eney one i think they will think im lying. i also smiell all the time to make people think im happy but i never happy and some times i cry myself to sleep and evry day i look in the mirror and im disgusted by my reflection and evry day of my life i will hate the man how did this to me he had no right.
i was raped by 2 so called school friends at the age of 15, didnt tell anyone at the time, my mum approached me at 18 thinking i was on drugs as my personality had changed so much.....so i told her and felt slightly better, that maybe someone could help me (i was depressed). So i started to get counselling, but found i couldnt talk about it for years. At 31 i had a breakdown, and seeked help again, yet again found it too distressing to talk about, so stopped and thought i was better, as i had sorted other issues i had! I am now 41 and in a new relationship (6 months so far) and the issues of me being scared of sex are back with avengance, i was fine a few months ago, could have sex with no issues, but now my anxiety has taken over AGAIN. Im scared to get help because i know its all going to be dragged up again, dont know if i can go through reliving it all again, but know i have to if i want to keep this kind, loving, caring man. I cant believe that 26 years later i still feel like this.....i have chosen to be single most of my life.....its easier.......but feel i need to confront these issues once and for all, and after reading what others have done or are doing i feel its time for me, but im scared of how its going to make me feel and the effects it could cause in the meantime on the people close to me. I find it easier to be single, then these feelings arent there, but surely i deserve to be happy and have a boyfriend. I so wish i'd had the right help from the right person when i was younger, then this could all be a distant memory, but i didnt and im now in my 40's and still suffering from what these 2 'boys' did to me......i feel i spend my whole life saying i'm sorry :-(
A friend of mine recently told me part.of the story of her rape. I didn't know what to do say nothing. All I could say is i'm sorry didn't feel like it was enough. I talked to my theripst about ot and then talked to my friend. They both said all a survivor of rape is looking for is an open ear if you haven't been thru it just tell her your sorry your there for her to listen and let her sit and cry and hug her. Pick a day you and her can sit somewhere and talk. Let her tell you about it get it off her chest. Let her know you love her and are there to listen and talk to her about seeing a counselors if she is not already seeing one.
Hello still suffering. We all heal in our own time. And honestly, trying to talk about it until we feel safe to do so can slow the process down.
Therapy is not for everyone.
But a group therapy situation where you get to hear what other women have been through and relate your rape story to theirs can be very powerful.
You are a wise friend. You know exactly how to relate to a rape victim. So often well-meaning friends/family rush to judgment. They want to replay the situation.
You might also benefit from volunteering at a rape crisis center or hotline. I myself I have found that nothing makes me feel like my problems are teeny than to listen to others share theirs.
ANother approach is not through talkin therapy at all. But through more physical and even spiritual therapy. Reclaim your strength and your body by taking a self-defense class such as karate, tai chi, jiu jitsu, etc. Can be tremendously freeing.
Good luck to you. You absolutely deserve to be happy.don't let your rape define who you are today. That's giving that situation way too much power!
Please keep us posted as you make progress, k?
Hello still suffering. We all heal in our own time. And honestly, trying to talk about it until we feel safe to do so can slow the process down.
Therapy is not for everyone.
But a group therapy situation where you get to hear what other women have been through and relate your rape story to theirs can be very powerful.
You are a wise friend. You know exactly how to relate to a rape victim. So often well-meaning friends/family rush to judgment. They want to replay the situation.
You might also benefit from volunteering at a rape crisis center or hotline. I myself I have found that nothing makes me feel like my problems are teeny than to listen to others share theirs.
ANother approach is not through talkin therapy at all. But through more physical and even spiritual therapy. Reclaim your strength and your body by taking a self-defense class such as karate, tai chi, jiu jitsu, etc. Can be tremendously freeing.
Good luck to you. You absolutely deserve to be happy.don't let your rape define who you are today. That's giving that situation way too much power!
Please keep us posted as you make progress, k?
I was raped over almost half a year ago. I have only told very few people and they want me to go to the police. However, there isn't alot of evidence aganist them. What do you think, Mighty Mom?
Hello Darkness,be my friend,
I think it's the police department's job to determine if there is sufficient evidence to arrest your rapists and the DA's job to decide if there is sufficient evidence to charge them.
Just taking the issue to the authorities doesn't guarantee anything either way.
Do you think you would feel better knowing they were caught and not out there possibly doing this to someone else?
On the other hand, not knowing anything about the circumstances, you probably have good reasons why you didn't report this right after it happened.
And the police WILL ask you about that.
My advice -- as you can see from the above -- is ALWAYS to get rape counseling. This trauma messes up your head in ways you haven't even thought of yet.
Regardless of what does or doesn't happen with/to your rapiets, you owe it to yourself to HEAL YOU!!
A good rape counselor can walk you through the possible outcome scenarios should you decide to report them. And hopefully give you firsthand advice that will guide your decision.
Good luck to you. I hope you will stop back and let us know how you are doing.
MM
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I proudly can say that this hub is one of the most interesting I've ever read. I think this topic is so sensitive for female sex, that ... I don't know. It's like, man would publicly talking about their masturbating,impotence or things like that - that are very sensitive,and lately "taboo".
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THIS THING,TOPIC,HUB _ WHAT EVER - Shouldn't be TABOO at all.
I have had a girl that was a victim of sexual attack when she was 13 years old.In a park. She doesn't recall anything but the way HE did it. :/
I can tell whole story actually - SHE can tell YOU whole incredible story {she is willing,I've asked her} in case that ANYONE is interested in publishing a story about RAPE of Thirteen Years Old Serbian BEAUTIFUL girl...
I'd love to hear your friend's story. Can she write it or need someone to put it on paper for her?
BTW, My husband's family are Serbs.
FYI.
Good luck. Either have her write a comment here or contact me if she feels she needs help writing the story out. MM
Mighty mom, who will know that there's a blog like this one. Very unique and beautiful.
Everybody knows that a rape victims probably had a trauma in sex. I really admire you in posting such a great and informative tips.
Thank you very much, naturalsolutions!
First off, MM you're amazing for keeping up with these comments for so long. I just found this hub today and I'm very happy I did. I was raped this summer by someone I thought I could trust. Like many, I don't want to consider myself a victim, however, I don't know how else to feel. What I hate about the situation is that it brought about so much hatred in me towards him and I don't think it's fair for me to experience this hate. Hate isn't something I want to have in my life but since he hurt me I can't help it. What's more is that I feel guilty now that my sex drive has come back. I feel like it's wrong and that I shouldn't want to be intimate with anyone. It seems like so many have become hypersexual and I'm afraid of that happening and on the other side I'm also afraid of never being intimate with someone again. I'm coming up short on how to relate to men. I'm not sure how to trust them either. Ugh these couple of months have been an emotional rollercoaster!
i really did like this post... I have been raped 3 times, and i always trouble myself with why it happened or what i did wrong, and I honestly couldn't admit to myself that i had been raped, and that all of the overwhelming feelings I was having were okay to have. I am sad to say that none of my rapists have seen justace yet, due to my inability to admit my past.. I just wanted to thank you for your braveness in posting this, because it does mean a lot to me.
Hello msconfused. Thank you for commenting. I'm really glad you found my hub. As you can see, people's experiences are all over the map.
I encourage you to be PATIENT and GENTLE with yourself. Your rape is very, very fresh. It takes longer than a couple of months to get over. Sorry to say. I wish there was a magic "forgetter" pill we could take.
Here's the deal on your sexuality. It's YOURS. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the aftermath of rape. If fooling around casually makes you feel more in control, then go for it. Even if it's something you have to "get out of your system" on a short-term basis, then go with your natural flow.
I promise you you WILL be able to be intimate again.
I do understand how hard it is to trust again. But when the right partner comes around, there will be no question. It will happen naturally. Being cautious right now is also natural.
I do hope you are able to hook up with a trained rape counselor. She will be able to help you sort through your trust issues and feelings.
The rollercoaster ride is not forever!!
Hannah, thank you also for commenting.
You raise an excellent point about rape. It's not like lightning which doesn't (or so the saying goes) strike twice in the same spot. Being raped once does not give you immunity to being raped again.
It sounds like you have a really good handle on your feelings. And they truly ARE ok to have. All of them.
Please don't expend your precious energy worrying about what you did "wrong." You didn't do ANYTHING wrong. The men who did this to you did something wrong. Not you.
But I'm glad you are now able to confront and admit your past. That is much better than being in denial.
I wish you both much peace, happiness, and many, many years of loving sex in your lives.
Best, MM
Two days ago I cheated on my boyfriend with our neighbour but I really, honestly didn't want to. I feel like shit about the whole thing but I became very afraid of the guy when he started hitting on me & when he started touching my neck I had flashbacks to a brutal rape I survived a few years ago, where I was strangled, beaten and knocked out when I tried to escape.
I feel so confused and I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend that although our neighbour didn't rape me, it was NOT consensual. He feels betrayed and I hate myself and I'm terrified that this is going to be the end of us because I dissociated and let it happen instead of running out the door.
How can I forgive myself for my inaction? I hate myself for being so weak and I'm having a lot of trouble with suicidal ideation at the moment - is this a normal response to cheating? I feel guilty for feeling like it's not all my fault when I could have run away but I was, like you say, paralysed with fear. I couldn't even speak. & he plied me with alcohol before it happened (which I naturally feel like a complete tool for accepting but he's married to my neighbour and he's like ten years older than me - I really didn't realise what his intentions were until it felt too late for me to stop him). Did I bring this on myself? Is it all my fault? My boyfriend wants to work things out but I feel like I don't deserve him, or anyone. I feel like I'd be better off dead.
Please help me, I'm so confused and upset. I did say no but when he pushed my head down on him I dissociated completely and I just let it happen. Am I a slut?
I got raped, just a week ago. And it just wont click in my head whats happened... I keep blaming myself and my friends blame themselfs for what happened. I'd love to tell everyone bout it but its got to go to court and I arent even allowed counsilling to the trail and been to court has finished incase I give out evidence or anything I shouldnt :/ I got dragged out to local night up in a gay bar with all my friends thursday, and i didnt do myself up..just leggings and a baggy top with heels and still felt horrible tryin cover myself up.. Just danced with my mates and even then i was lookin around paranoid incase any other men were looking at me dancing because i didnt want anyone comin up to me and being raped again. I try stay strong and pretend im ok, but i really arent and theres are only 2 people that know im not ok even without me saying. Its sooo hard, its thrown my whole life off track, i cant trust one person. i was about to get with the most amazing person and that happened..hes kicking himself because when it happened, he was ment to pick me up before it happened because he was ment come out with us when it happened but he couldnt come to me..so hes kicking himself. but we both said just be close friends for time being and not physical contact..hes looked after me for 2 days, he met me soon as i came out of hospital/police station last saturday and then went home the other day but i slept on the floor or settee because i cant cope sleeping in a bed. :( never thought this would happen to me.
Hello LB and bee.
Welcome here and thank you both for sharing your experience.
There are some similarities in your stories, but some differences as well. Bottom line for you both and everyone else struggling to come to terms with having sex AGAINST YOUR FULL WILL: You did not do anything wrong. You are NOT to blame.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda will go through you head for awhile, But in the end, you can't rewind the clock. It happened. And now you have to recover from it.
Bee: The answer to your question is hidden in plain view within your post. You were reliving a brutal rape you'd already endured. How can you think what happened here is "cheating" on your boyfriend? Cheating is when you go out and have consensual sex with someone.
Please, please, please do not mistake this older neighbor's inappropriate actions with cheating.
Do not beat yourself up for not running away.
Your reaction in the situation is NATURAL. I've heard of many, many women who freeze in the face of unwanted sexual advances. I've been there myself (and not just during my actual RAPE either).
You DO deserve your boyfriend and he sounds like a good guy.
Why would you allow this sleazebag neighbor to ruin YOUR life and YOUR relationship? Hell NO, woman!!
I am not a therapist (I always say this). But now that this has happened AND your previous trauma has reentered your conscience -- in a BIG WAY -- please promise me you will got talk to a professional.
If you really feel like you might do harm to yourself, call your boyfriend and have him with you at all times. If you still dont' feel safe, check yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital where they can help you through this.
Please don't minimize your feelings. They are real and valid and need to be processed so you can truly heal from your first rape and now this DATE RAPE -- cuz that is what this is. Your neighbor fully took advantage of you -- happens more often than we care to admit.
Good luck and please come back and let me know how you are doing, ok?
Blessings, MM
Sorry my post to bee got so long. Thank you so much lb for sharing your story as well. Especially since it is sooo fresh.
I'm glad you have a supportive friend taking care of you. Good for him for jumping into that role and enabling you to heal without pressing for a sexual relationship.
I totally understand the shut-down you're in. I slept, smoked and drank for I think 4 days straight after my rape. Just had to numb out.
Please, please know that you did NOT bring this upon yourself. It doesn't matter what you were wearing (or not wearing). Someone who forces you to have sex with them against your will is a RAPIST. There is NO EXCUSE for their behavior.
I hope you will continue to be gentle with yourself and that your case turns out well and justice is done.
Thank you again for commenting.
Wishing you strength and calmness in the days ahead and many happy and sexually fulfilling years to come!
MM
Thank you so much. I'm considering taking it to the police and let them deal with it. I'm am also arranging for rape consuelling. Once again, I thank you very much.
I've been sexually assaulted/in abusive situations more times than I care to count. It's behind me for the most part. But I'm kind of dealing with some residual feelings. My parents are getting elderly and have lived in the same neighbourhood I grew up in all their lives. They don't want to leave. They'll need and have been pressuring me to move back (I'm an only child).
This is it's the same apartment I was molested in as a child by a babysitter. And the same apartment I was sexually assaulted in front of five years ago. Just thinking about moving back has given me insomnia. My parents don't get it and think they're somehow "helping me".
Hi L,
That is a loaded situation on so many levels! Moving back in with parents as an adult as they become elderly and dependent is emotionally difficult on its own terms.
Add to that moving back to your childhood home -- of course memories will be stirred up. It's NOT your home anymore, it's theirs.
But you've got the added stress of not one, but multiple sexually traumatic memories associated with that apartment.
Parents rarely if ever "get it" when it comes to their children being sexually assaulted. It's just too unbelievable for them to accept.
Are there valid reasons for you to return to this apartment and live with your parents? Only you can say.
If you decide there are, then you MUST do some serious work around your sexual abuse (which you should do anyway).
I'm not a therapist and am much less familiar with ongoing sexual abuse than rape. But here's my two cents.
The goal here is to reframe your experience from fear, trauma and victimhood. That is your current association with your parents' apartment.
Whether in this apartment or another place, your role with your parents is shifting. You cannot bring a victim mindset into this caretaking role.
As to "helping you" is this really the case? Or are they looking for them to help you?
Be clear on everyone's expectations here.
And btw you do have the right to say no, you don't want to move in....
Good luck to you. That's a really tough dilemma.
You need and deserve some caring PROFESSIONAL help with it!
MM
Hello..
I was raped 4 years ago, I'm 19 now.
Ive dealt with it in a very different way i think, well i wouldnt say dealt, but dealing.. When it happened absolutley nothing was going through my mind.. I was frozen with fear I could hardly breathe and I could hear nothing but silence, its like everything went blank.. its so hard to explain, but once the trauma was over and i was let go.. I just ran and ran, not knowing where i wa going i didnt know what to do with myself i felt dirty and ashamed. When i finally stopped running i just sat down and tryed to figure out in my head what i was going to do about it.. and do you know what i done? absolutley nothing, and to this day i still regret it i let this man get away with doing me so wrong knowing that he could be doing it to innocent people still now. It took 3 years for my family to even find out, i still have never gone into detail with them, i find it so hard.. its made me and my mum drift apart when it should of brung us closer.. i wanted her to be there for me but how could she of been when i wouldnt tell her anything, i went to tell her the full story so many times but when i went to i welled up and no words would come out. Its hard, i still think about it everyday i dont think i will ever fully get over it, my heart really does go out to everyone that has been through the same as me. One thing id like to ask you all though... isit normal to feel like its my own fault? x
Hello xxpaige,
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. You don't mention how you are coping sexually now, but I do hope you are able to have normal relationships.
EVERYTHING you described is normal. There is no "right way" to react to or deal with rape. It is an extremely abnormal, traumatic experience that we have no training for beforehand.
It's very, very common to feel like it's your fault.
"If only I'd..." or "If only I hadn't..." are the two MOST COMMON reactions. We want to rewind the clock so we can change the outcome. We have a strong need to understand WHY. And that's the problem. There is no why.
I encourage you to reach out to others who have lived through rapes. They will be better able to understand and give you coping tools. It's extremely difficult for family members (especially parents) to deal with the violation of their daughter. It's just beyond their scope. So rather than worrying about it not bringing you closer to your mum, I suggest spending some time/energy in healing yourself by talking to people who can help you heal.
I do hope others here will chime in with their own experiences..
All the best to you, MM
Rape and sexual abuse is the most violent, underreported crime in society. The statistics are higher than the numbers given through available reported crimes. We have a judicial system that does not work together. You can be raped by a neighbor and good luck getting the police to arrest him in anything less than two months. This is terrifying to a rape victim. Most victims would rather walk away and deal with it alone than to publicize this personal and humiliating experience. I know for a fact because I prosecuted an assailant once. I will never do it again, next time I will let my own "law" handle it.
when I was 12 I was woken in middle of the night with someone between my legs. My own father was giving me oral sex! I was scared and speechless, knowing there was little I could do since mom was out for the night. After a few minutes I finally got my senses together and asked him what he was doing. "Its ok sweetie, daddy needs this." I was crying and then my father came up to me and kissed me on the lips. Thats when I felt the worse pain in my life. He pressed his mouth against mine to muzzle my screams. After a few minutes it was over and he held me close whispering in my ear that everything was going to be alright. I cried myself to sleep while laying in my father's arms. I awoke in the morning to breakfast made by a very happy, shameless father. After I ate he assured me again that everything would be ok and not to speak about what happened or mom would be very upset with me. I was old enough to know better, but still it confused me greatly. The next several years my father couldn't keep his hands off me, threatening me if I told. Today I don't see him anymore, but that doesn't take away the anxiety I have every single night when I go to bed. I wake up screaming almost once a week, and my husband can't even hold me to comfort me since it just makes it worse. Its a terrible thing to live in fear, and for the past 14 years I have, because if I couldn't trust my own father, who can I trust? Rape may only last a few moments, but survival lasts a life time.
Jen Jen,
Unfortunately,you're so right. The real battle begins after the main assault. The deck really is stacked against the victim. He's so wrong.
Nicole.
Your story hurts my heart.
Have you sought treatment for PSTD? 14 years living in fear every night is just criminal.
Good luck to you, MM
A few months ago, the man I had been seeing tried to rape me. I'm only 19 and a virgin so it was very traumatic for me. To this day I can't let any man get close to me in a romantic way or even see myself ever getting to that point again. Hopefully with time I can move on
Hello jrook,
I'm so sorry to hear about your trauma. Glad to hear (it sounds like) this man was not successful. This is all very fresh in your mind, so it's not surprising you feel skittish around men. It will take time to rebuild that trust (and it will take a special, patient man to help you over your very real fears). Be patient with yourself and don't rush things. Your virginity is very precious and when the time is right I have faith you will enjoy a beautiful sexual relationship with the right man.
All the best to you. MM
Hi... I'm nearly 20 and when I was 12 I was raped by a family member... For years before, he would touch me and say it was just fun game for us to play... As I was younger, I wasn't fully aware of what was going on, but felt it wasn't right... Thankfully I don't remember much of that, just bits and pieces... But I unfortuantly remember that night... It's strange the things I do and don't remember, like I know it was January (because I was just about to start High school), but not what date, etc... I just remember feeling so helpless and scared... There was four other adults in the house and his sister sleeping less than a metre away from me and no one heard any thing...
The next morning he acted like nothing had ever happened... When we were alone in the kitchen, he threatened me and said that no one would believe me if I said anything... I knew that he was lying, but I was too scared to say any thing...
I've never told anybody about this, never went to the police... I tried to tell some of the teachers who I really trusted, but I just didn't know how... None of my frinds know because they knew me after this happened, and I was always known as weird at school...
When I was about 15 I was having suicidal thoughts and tried to kill myslef a few times... No one thought anything of it cause they were mostly hidden and the visible cuts I blamed on my cats... And I became very good at lying and munipulating the truth...
Lately I've been thinking about telling my best friend all of this, but I haven't wanted to burden her with it... I've just been wanting to get it off my chest for a while now...
I never had any problems with going out by myself at night or staying home by myself, it's when I get in big crowds or small rooms with no windows and closed doors that I start to freak out/panic... I've never dated anyone cause any time a guy comes near me, I freak out inside and start to recoil... I can't stand it when guys look at me and now I can't leave the house unless I am almost fully covered...
I know I shouldn't, but I often feel that it was my fault... Any way, sorry if I went on for a bit, but I actually feel a bit better now that I have written it down...
Dear jmay67,
You are holding inside a lot of fear and rage. Your family member violated you and he knows it and used the classic "don't tell anyone or else..." to keep you quiet about the horrible things he did to you.
And now you have internalized the rape and the shame and the guilt and all that yucky stuff HE caused.
But you are the one who, 8 years later, can't have a normal loving relationship. This is NOT RIGHT.
I'm glad writing it down helped. Writing can be a great release. But honestly, just from reading the extent of your trauma, you need help to reclaim your life.
My personal advice is DON'T turn to your best friend. Not that telling her what happened is a "burden" to her. It's more that she will 99.9% be unable to offer you any kind of helpful support. It's simply way beyond her experience. Not that she wouldn't want to help. Just that all too often the reactions of those around us end up making us feel worse (even when they are well meaning).
So please keep looking on the internet for places to share your story and read other women's. If you can, please, please look into therapy with someone who is skilled in rape and incest. It's important to get all these feelings sorted out so you can live like a normal 20 year old and feel good about yourself and your body and not recoil when a man tries to love you!
Good luck to you. I hope you will come back and share your success with us.
MM
I'm really disappointed by this blog post. It is titled "Rape Victims", suggesting that it is for all victims of rape. Sadly, you left out male victims of rape, which victim reports indicate are numerous. Men and boys do get raped by both men and women and it is socially irresponsible when blog posts like this cater to gender bias and stereotypes regarding sexual assault. Sexual assault and rape are crimes against people, not gender. This article would bring disappointment and sadness to the male victims who clicked on it in hopes of comfort.
So this is the hub for which you are being harassed. Is it a hubber? Can we all flag the person for you and get that person off this site? I was molested -one time- by a neighbour when I was 5 and he was 13. Because he was under age he couldn't be prosecuted. I was more affected by the fact that we couldn't punish him than the actual molestation.
Yes, this is indeed the hub.
I guess I was wrong -- she did write a comment.
I didn't see it until today, tho.
Anyway,
Thanks for taking the time to visit and share your experience, FBR. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Unfortunately, it's the rule rather than the exception that the victim doesn't get legal justice.
But I'm glad you're here today -- I bet wherever he is his life is miserable and pathetic.
Thanks again for the support. MM
My girl got raped by her dad when she was around 7 and we ended breaking up cause of the lack of sex. Now I Feel kinda bad after reading this :(
MM,
I want you to know how glad I am that you have created this hub, where I can read all of these stories and know that I am not alone in howi feel and have felt. I have been in a law enforcement based position for the past 15 years, so I have definitely been through my fair share of physical altercations with both genders, and came to get over the fact that I know there are certain guys out there who have no problem or hesitation in hitting me (a female.)
What did surprise me and still does sometimes is that I put myself in the position to be date raped, and what I did and continue to blame myself for is that I feel, based on my LE background, I should have been able to stop it once it started or prevent it from happening altogether.
Coping with the actual rape itself is an entirely different battle. I have so many different thoughts and emotions at different times. When I met my husband, who is a police officer, I told him about the entire situation before we were ever intimately involved and he told me he would not do anything sexually until I asked him to and he stood by that statement 100%, the first time we had sex he stopped at least a half a dozen times to make sure I was okay and it was not uncomfortable for me. I fell in love with this man almost straight from the start. I never reported it bc of my own personal issues and being in the field I knew a lot of the officers and was concerned about the way they would look at me afterwards. I did confide in one other officer who I knew really well and felt comfortable telling, and he has vowed retribution for me but that was the las I ever heard.
Here is where the question portion of my statement comes into play. When it comes to sex in my marriage wants, cravings and feelings are constantly changing on my end, both during and just thinking about it in general. There are days when in the middle of sex I start to have flashbacks and then I get really uncomfortable, my husband is always the best and understanding, but it's still frustrating for me. Then there have been a lot of times lately that I will just be watching tv or reading something online that brings up the topic of date rape and a part of me wants my husband to do the same thing to me that happened before, just in a different way. I want to be able to take control of it and the way I feel about it and Turn it around and make it a positive ending. In my head I think that by doing it this way I will be able to conquer it and the nightmares will stop. I don't know that my husband will be as willing to partake in this though, bc of what I am asking him to do, so how do I approach this? Is this something I shouldn't even do at all? Is this common or normal to have these feelings or to crave the reenactment to turn the tables so to say? I am just not sure if bc it's been so long, my thought process on the event has just twisted my way of thinking about it.
Please help if you can, any advice would be greatly appreciated!! :)
CSR -- Sorry I missed reading your comment till now. I'm also sorry to hear about your girlfriend's situation (past and present).
I try to look on the plus side of things. Fingers x'd that breaking up with you woke her up to the need to get some help. It sucks to be carrying around old wounds. No picnic for you, either. Glad you recognize that early sexual trauma doesn't just "disappear" with time.
Wishing you both good luck and happy, healthy sex in your future (together or not together...)
Mpdwife,
Your contribution to this discussion is very important for a number of reasons.
First, a background in law enforcement (or any other background for that matter) does not insulate us from rape. Until they add a training course on "how to react as a law enforcement professional in a date rape situation" then really, how could you expect to respond differently? The situation takes us by such surprise (shock) that we can't predict if we will scream, kick, run, or freeze. Freezing is as appropriate (under inappropriate circumstances) as any other reaction.
So please don't second-guess yourself on that.
I totally understand your mixed feelings and the moods that seem to come indiscriminately.
I've said this about 100 times above but I will say it again now. I am not a trained therapist or rape counselor.
So my "advice" is peer-to-peer only. Not to take the place of seeing a real professional (which is always a good idea).
So glad to read that you have a loving and supportive husband. It sounds (to me) like you have healed a lot. The very fact that you feel safe enough to contemplate reenacting your rape -- with a different outcome -- with your husband shows amazing growth on your part.
It IS natural to want to take back control of our sex lives. That' a big part of the promiscuity that some rape victims engage in after the fact.
My gut tells me that asking your husband to recreate your date rape but allow you to turn the tables or whatever it is you want to do over/differently is NOT a good idea. As loving and supportive as he is, he was NOT a party to this rape. He would NOT be comfortable role playing as your rapist (think about if the situation was reversed and he was asking you to be a sexual aggressor with him -- wouldn't it be weird?).
So while the abstract of turning the tables sexually is good, the reality of doing this with your husband may not be the best approach.
Again, please don't take my word as worth any more or less than your own intuition, what your husband says, and especially, what a trained therapist could offer you.
Best of luck. I really appreciate your taking the time to share.
Thanks so much. Yours in HEALING, MM
from my own experiance i was raped at a very young age and to this day the rape is still being continued i am still very young and i have not told anyone out of fear my rapist is a family member that forces me to interact with him in a sexual way every change he has this has been going on for almost 9 years and from the time it happened to now me and my mom have been having a hard time because i try to substain my self from sex but it seems like its apart of me the harder i try it seems like the harder its become ive been through a lot and i think rape makes a women want sex more especially if they were a virgin everyone knows about ther first and in a way you will always be connected to your first and for your first to be a rapist it seems like you have some type of devotion to them and to make it first i was my rapist first and he was my first so it makes things even harer to recover from
So sorry to hear about your beautiful sex life being stolen. I wish you all the best in finding your way past the abuse. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship.
Hope you can get away from this family member and start healing...
I am 16 years old and I have been raped on 2 separate occasions, once when I was 14 and once about 4 months ago I was 15.
Needless to say I spend too much time thinking about why I got raped twice, and it definitely ties into the blow my reputation got when people found out I wasn't a virgin at 14. Even though the rapist went to jail they would call me a slut, so I believed I was, and I became one. I got pregnant at 15, and gave the baby up, but 1 month after giving birth the second rape occurred. The first rape was in a locker room, and the second was at a party and there were 2 men. One forced me to give him oral, practically choking me and I thought I was going to be killed, while the other raped me vaginally. It was the most humiliating experience of my life, and I am ashamed of my reaction to it being promiscuity again. I am terrified it will lead me to being raped again, but consensual sex makes me feel safe and loved. I don't know what to do.
You've already figured out an important lesson that it takes many victims years to get (if ever).
The rapes were not your fault.
You may have been acting like a slut but you are not a slut. You can heal from this.
Consensual sex is beautiful and SHOULD make you feel safe and loved. That is where to pour your energies.
You can't take back what's happened.
It's nobody's business when you lost your virginity or even what's happened to you. Don't give them the ammunition to make you feel bad about yourself!
My one final piece of advice is stay on your game. Be aware of your surroundings and don't put yourself into situations where anyone can take advantage of you.
Take a self-defense course.
Final thought. Being raped once is not a vaccine against it happening again.
I was date raped while home from college.
That was years before the rape I talk about here, at knifepoint.
Hope that helps. MM
I am the girl who just posted here. Thanks so much for replying. I wish more people would understand the seriousness of rape. I had an abusive boyfriend and all his friends knew he was hitting me and they said they knew I "liked it rough" because I had been raped. It's so hurtful and ridiculous that some people feel the need to say things like that. Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just had to get it all out. Wonderful post, you have helped many people! God bless
Hello again, Anonymous.
WHAT?!! Your abusive boyfriend's friends actually said that to you? OMG. That is beyond clueless.
The majority of people out there (even well-meaning ones) do not understand rape at all. They say callous, hurtful things because they are uncomfortable. In the case of these bozos, they are just stupid and justifying their friend's bad behavior. They are young -- I hope they grow up to be human beings.
I would caution you not to broadcast that you are a rape survivor. Especially since you are so young. NOT that there is anything to be ashamed of. I just think you'll have a better, more even chance at life and happiness if you are selective about who you let into that very private and painful part of yourself. It has worked for me -- very, very few people know about my experience. I bring it up only if the situation is right.
I can't control other people's reactions. I don't have to invite misunderstanding, judging or cruelty. But sometimes I do get to correct misconceptions -- and that feels really good!!
Best of luck to you Anonymous. Please feel free to come back and post as often as you like. God bless right back atcha. MM
Hello, I am sorry...
I am dealing with the PTSD from MST (military sexual trauma).
First let me say I am a transgender female, and consider myself lesbian.
From the beginning of my service (basic training) I was harassed for being different, and I fought off attacks on many occasions. I felt I hid my gender identity well? I now see I did not...
I have to say I am proud of my effort to serve despite my gender incongruity, I became a leader and quickly passed other soldiers in rank and position.(SGT, ncoic, acting commander, platoon leader, trainer.) I was well on my way to prove I could be the best, all within my third and forth year.(above and beyond for a soldier to have my position at my age and service time.) All taken away because a few thought I shouldn't be the "boss" no f*ing f*g is going to tell me what to do". How I regret my hard work and dedication??? They started with acting as friends wanting to play cards, drugging my bi**h beer, tied down and gang rapped, painfully degrading and confusing? I'm not gay, they said they hated me being gay, yet they forced me at gun point. 4 men one women all hurting me all having sex with me? Yet I was the worthless f*ing f**got??? I can't understand and I can't accept it even as I write this I deny it. I have been in therapy for years and it won't go away! I need it to go away! I want a life, I want my life back. I'm in hell, I have nightmares I have flashbacks, I see camo wherever I go and it triggers me. Even fake camo, I can't even do paperwork, I can't go out alone, I have a wife who is so understanding and supportive.
Wait; I am sorry, I blocked this memory for a few years, and didn't understand my actions of anger and hostility, one night while in therapy for almost a year I decided to kill myself and my wife tried to stop me(I hate myself for what I did next.) She nor I understood why I felt so angry. I had made pills into a drink and she knocked it out of my hand I became enraged I attacked her I started to yell you want a man, you think I'm a f*g (none of what she ever said or acted like, she accepted my transgenderness) I started to rip her clothing off and for the first time in our relationship I saw fear in her eyes and I stopped and from that moment memories came trickling back off my rape, from that moment in swing the fear in her eyes I remembered my fear, and I hate that I even started to do such a vile and deplorable act.
And I deserve all my nightmares since I caused my love to see pain that I have all my life been an advocate against I have sisters that I knew went thru child abuse, I identify as female yet I wanted to show I could act like a male, my brother is a male who would never rape.
I am so so sorry. She forgave me instantly and we still are together but I know I don't deserve her. I am broken. a year went by and I was able to tell my therapist of some of what happened to me and feeling out of control I wanted to regain my control; so I cheated with a stranger, I had no emotion but I got something back? I got my choice to be sexual with a man vs being forced. I didn't ever find a male attractive I just wanted sex with a guy to be my choice, not theres! Now i have cheated after 8 years of being faithful I have hurt her after being so loving and gental, i have asked her to leave me till I am better, I have gone into the hospital for suicide 6 times and I'm in 4 group therapies one with horses. I have all these survivors of mst helping me and I still cry every night, I want to let go but I can't accept what happened to me and i hate what i have done to her and will never forgive myself. Before I cheated I told her i was going to I told her I was going to get rapped on my terms, and she said ok she talks with my therapist and councillor and they try but i can't get over it I feel so disgusted, I shower but I can't get clean. I try Meds I try to forget but I can't, I give up daily anything I do I go to therapy 4 days a week, why won't they give up on me why won't they let me die? I have done two things now I never would have done before, my stomach hurts all the time I freeze up and can't move, why can't I be like the strong survivors, why am I a victim.?
What's wrong with me. I cant remember people my own family I forget there names.
Yet people still try and help me????
I push them away, i am mean.
I am a freak, let me die is all I ask, they won't they stop me even when I don't tell them im about to end my life. I'm no longer the person i was, im no longer good. I caused fear in the girl i love even if it was just a second I saw her eyes flash with fear of me. Yet she loves me? What do i do? How can I stop her from being with someone who is so broken. She even helps make sure I take my medication while I try to stop.
What am i doing wrong?
I'm sorry i never meant to hurt anyone I wanted to protect the country and instead I have failed. I failed to protect my wife from myself. I cant even have sex like I used too. I know I'm not the only one who has gone thru this I just hate the memories of the day and night I was tied down, i hate that they laughed while peeing on me I hate them and nothing will happen to them, the military wont go after them they won't arrest them, they told me they would find me if I said anything, so now i sleep 3-5 hrs a night.
I don't know what i did to deserve this?
Sorry again last night I was searching how long it would take to het better from rape, its very discouraging to see time frames are not there, I'm scared I won't get my life back, last night was one of my sleepless nights and I posted I'm my lack of energy and for thought, .
I want to say there are to many rapes that happen in the military and not enough help for the victims, I feel pain for all the true soldiers who have gone thru this while a counter part keeps there rank and career, the women I work with I admire so much for there strength in coping and wish the government would acknowledge there attacks by other so called "soldiers" I see a system that allows and condoned many rapes to happen in the name of keeping the military from public shame. All rapes are horrid.
They deserve punishment sever and quick! Laws need to change now!
Men and women who rape should be felt with severely.
no one should be allowed to turn a blind eye to child molestation or adult rape.
Hello evelion. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. And thank you for your service.
I understand feeling the need to "get even" in your current life and frightening yourself by what you did to your wife and the cheating with a stranger just to regain a feeling (however small) of some control of your life.
You are right. All rights are horrid. But your situation is a downright disgrace. You were not only brutalized by your own peers and that conduct was condoned systematically. Words cannot express how sad and outraged that makes me.
What I have learned is to live in TODAY and not dwell on the horrors of the past or even to try to take on the world.
You are a beautiful transgender woman of worth TODAY. You have a loving wife TODAY. All that happened to you -- which is indefensible -- is part of the survivor you are. But it doesn't define you.
TODAY you are SAFE.
You have a tremendous gift to share with others. And it sounds like there are many, many others who have suffered in similar ways while serving our country.
There have got to be lots of other veterans suffering as you have.
I encourage you to think about how you could be of "service" to others to help them feel not alone.
I agree with you that rapists should be dealt with severely.
You have a voice today and you can help make change.
My point is, it doesn't have to be on a grand scale.
Reaching out and offering your hand/shoulder to other violated soldiers -- through volunteering at your local VA or maybe start a chat site specifically for military sexual abuse survivors -- will make you feel stronger.
Please promise me that you will not kill yourself.
If you do, they win.
You are better -- much, much better -- than those pathetic, ignorant f&*ks will ever be.
Thank you again for posting here. I am in awe of your courage, evelion! Take GOOD CARE. MM
Thanks for sharing your experiences, hub. That was incredibly brave. I feel for all you victims. Pgrundy & Pam, it's not too late to report the monsters. The police's duty(no matter how bad the police have become today) is to capture any criminals, including them, the FBI can track most wanted from decades before, the police can capture the criminals then too. You just want to forget(I don't blame you Pam, it must be hard to have gone through that), not that I can even begin to imagine, the pain but it might help to see them get what they deserve.
Hi,
I've never been raped before, thankfully. And I'm really shy around guys however thankfully I have REALLY good taste in boys(to avoid date rapes) & fall for the best guys, occasionally for a rebellious yet still very soft. So I've been very lucky. However I think this rape disease discriminates against no one and EVERY victim here should take counciling atleast once(there are certain things we can't deal with alone). And the girls around 14, you should not blameyourself you are in no way guilty at all of a sick person's violent actions. Whoever called you a sl** is utterly ignorant. Most of all I urge you guys to take some therapy it will help you get through the feelings/understand the reasons for why you feel certain ways after. And report your criminals, esp the girl who this is still going on to. Call the cops on the guy, it's that simple. I think you should too, MM. It doesn't matter if they look at you differently, it's not your fault. And if they do, so what? Things happen in life, if they can't accept that they're ridiculous. There's no reason for you to be ashamed, they're no training to prevent that 100% in the police force either. Forgive me if I said too much & hurt you somehow but I truly believe this. I believe you should put your perpetrator behind jail.
Hi Durga,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
You are so right. The "disease" of rape does not discriminate. Anyone can potentially be a victim. It's not about sex. It's about power.
Keep up the great job honoring yourself enough to attract positive boyfriends.
You've given me pause with your insistence on calling the cops. Perhaps if we all did it as a matter of course there would be more rapes on the books and we'd see how common it is. But unlike having your purse snatched or your house broken into, there's too much "gray area" in rape. It's easy to be victimized twice when you look for legal justice. I think ultimately it is very empowering when you can get that justice.
For the record, I did. My rapist went to prison. MM
I'm glad you "..have REALLY good taste in boys(to avoid date rapes)", but, for the rest of us who live in the real world:
Men and women do _not_ experience date rape because they choose to date rapists! It isn't because they have poor character judgement or are seeking to be abused. Anyone who thinks otherwise is very naive.
Date rapists are opportunists and manipulators. Do you really think they are open about their intent to rape and defile their date?
--
The whole idea of a gray area is a myth..a media created buzz word to apply to rapes that occur in situations where they wish to blame the victim. It's really not that difficult to understand - someone either expresses a consent of an act or they don't. If you don't have explicit consent..don't do it.
hello athena-soul.Sounds like you have a lot of experience with date rape.
I agree with you. Date rape is no more the victim's fault then an ambush in an alley or someone slitting the screen and entering their room at 3am.
But the gray area is not a myth. It is very, very real.
And it's not only the media who perpetuate it.
There is an unfortunate -- but REAL -- tendency in all sexual assaults to blame the victim.
Unlike other crimes, the burden of proof falls more squarely and unfairly on the rape victim.
I wish it were not so, but it is real.
And I feel it's important for people to understand that. I am not saying it's right. I'm saying it's a harsh reality, that proving you did not consent to sex too often becomes "she said/he said" or "he said/he said" and it comes down to who is more credible.
In many ways date rape is more insidious and harmful. You are so right date rapists are opportunists and manipulators. You don't see it coming because they don't want you to.
Thank you for your comment, athena-soul. MM
Yes, blaming the victim isn't a concept reserved purely for those who experienced date rape but that doesn't make the existence of a Gray rape any more true.
I think you should read this article published on a prestigious website that supports survivors: http://www.pandys.org/articles/grayarearape.html
Something is either rape or it isn't. you can't half consent. Even if you consent to groping but not to oral, that would make the oral rape a "grey area" - it would make it oral rape.
In terms of he said and she said..I don't think that is particularly grey either. Most of the time it is pretty clear. Either a person believes rape myths and blames the victim or they put he blame where it rightly belongs right at the feet of the rapist.
Thanks for the link.
I will include a link to pandys.org here.
MM
This article is long but really attracted me. Thank you sharing and definitely I will be back for more. Voted up for you :)
Thank you very much nicregi. MM
your a liar!!!!!! the man your defaming is someone I have know from 1965.....he also was my lover for YEARS and NEVER EVER could he do what you said...shame on you!!!! btw I AM a RAPE survivor....shame on you and your girlfriend!!!!!!!
Excuse, me, but I am not defaming anyone.
This is my story of my experience. It happened as reported.
Check the court records.
It's right there in black and white.
P.S. I'm sorry to hear that you were also raped.
Wishing you healing. MM
Thank you for posting this. It was very helpful. I was sexually assaulted while black-out-drunk at a work party 10 years ago by a man twice my age. I have to say that it still affects me to this day. I am often mistrusting and suspicious of older men if they give me attention and I get scared when walking home alone sometimes. I'd say to this day, it still affects my sex life. I am not very sexual anymore and it has affected all of my relationships. I'm pretty shut down sexually. I think it just shows that we all react in different ways! Thanks for posting your article. It feels good to know what others have gone through. I don't feel so alone.
I'm sorry to hear this I know it happens but myself as well as many other people like to pretend it isn't as common as it actually is I can't begin to imagine how u and ur friend felt I just read this and wanted to leave a comment and let u and everyone else who have been through a similar incident(my best friend) that u can share ur story it's nothing to be ashamed of dont keep it inside and let it make u bitter Don't let the hatred of one person out weight the LOVE of so many others.
Hi. I been reading all the stories. You guys are brave for sharing this. I experienced gang rape on my 25th birthday last year. I knew the man for about 8 months, we were dating, I really liked him. He was about a year older than me, very intelligent/charming, and he was in the Navy. We ended up having sex for the first time after about 6 months of dating. He was out here on deployment, so I knew he was not going to be staying out in this state forever. However, I really liked him, so I would have considered a long distance relationship. But to make a long story short.. He invited me over his house for my birthday. He shared an apartment with him and his 3 other Navy roommates.. He often had his Navy friends over too. So when I went over his house, we were both drinking a little bit.. And I trusted him. I had known him for almost a year, and we had already been intimate once before. But after the first drink I totally dont remember what happen. All I remember is waking up the next morning in his bedroom, completely naked, all alone, and about 10 used condoms/wrappers thrown all over the floor. As soon as I saw all the condoms.. I was so shocked. I didn't know what to do.. So I quickly put my clothes.. grabbed my key and left. It would have been ok if just him and I had sex, but the fact that he let others have sex with me is what hurt me. I didnt remember anything.. But seeing all the used condoms everywhere was dead give away that at least a half dozen other men may have been involved. I was too shocked and embarrassed to even stay and ask questions. As I was driving home, I was so sick. I had to pull over to the rode multiple times to vomit. I guess I was even too shocked to realize how sick I was immediately after waking up.. it took me about 15-20 mins to realize it. Im not quite sure what he put in my drink.. but I was vomiting and sick for 3 days (and I have never once been that sice in the past from drinking.. so im sure something was slipped in my drink). I was very depressed for about a week. Then I just totally forgot about it. Forgot about everything. I totally blocked it out my head and suppressed the memories for about 8 good months. I didn't tell not one soul because I was too embarrassed and ashamed. And going to the police or telling family was out the question. I was so embarrassed. So i just forgot about it (having temporarily amnesia from being drugged made it very easy to forget and block it out.. because I had nothing to recall--except seeing the disgusting semen filled condoms all over the floor after waking up). However, I am currently taking a Human Sexuality class at my college.. and we have been on the subject of sexual abuse for the last few weeks now. We are watching case studies about rape victims.. and a lot of the stories sound exactly like mines. So now these memories are all coming back after several months. So i don't know what to do. However, I guess I will try my best to block out these memories again. It seems like thats the only thing that helps. Besides, I don't want my life off track because of this. I just dont have time for this to be on my mind. Im a full-time student (Im in my last year of college), Im starting my masters next year, I work full-time, and I have a busy life, and I have to stay focused. And I cant let my life get off track for something that happened in the past. Becoming a drug user/alcoholic is out the question, and the only therapy I feel that I need is from God. He's my counselor. And I don't feel bad about not reporting it to the police and letting him and his friends get a way with it, because God will take care of him. And I actually feel sorry for them... because I'd rather spend 20 yrs in jail, than to be punished by God. Also, crying is not going to help me, all I can do now is just be strong, take the loss, move on with my life, accept it, be a better woman, and pray. I was doing perfectly fine until my Human Sexually Class retrieved my repressed memories. So now I cant wait until this class is over.. then I should be back to normal. I wish I would have been strong enough to report this incident, but apparently I wasn't. But that's the past. I refuse to let this incident take over my mind and ruin my life. Life is too short to be unhappy and depressed. So after my semester is over, I am moving on. And letting God deal with the rest.. and returning back to my normal life.
Joyce,
I am very, very sorry to read what these servicemen did to you. But I am very, very glad you shared your reactions with us, as I know others can relate.
You sound like you the one and only thing you want in life is to control it -- you have a plan, you have a schedule, you had things to accomplish and places to go. In your head, all of that will get you back to "normal."
What I read is that you want to live in denial and anything that threatens to reopen the wounds (and they are SUBSTANTIAL -- what they did is HORRIBLE) of that night is to be patently avoided.
Ok. So you won't take another human sexuality class. You won't cry. You will move on after this semester.
Because you say you were doing "perfectly" before these repressed memories surfaced.
My concern for you is you don't know what might retrigger those repressed memories again in the future.
What if you fall in love and want to have real intimacy with a man? What if you have a baby? What if a group of sailors comes into town and one of them physically reminds you of the lead guy? What if you are somewhere not even thinking of any of this and a sight, sound or smell from that evening triggers memories?
Or here's one I bet you haven't even thought of. What happens on your next birthday? Are all birthdays from now on going to be tainted by your 25th?
Do you see what I'm getting at?
Life is NOT controllable 100%. I just don't want you to be surprised or disappointed in yourself if/when something else bursts your perfect bubble of denial.
Meanwhile, I do agree with turning it over to God, knowing that God's justice means more than human justice.
Hindsight is always 20/20. I so wish you had gathered up all those condoms and taken them straight to the police while you were still under the influence of the date rape drug they gave you.That, too, could have been analyzed as evidence.
That step did not happen but a calculated, horrendous gang rape did.
I wish you all the best in your healing, your school and your life. MM
Hi, thanks for your quick response and very helpful points! However, I dont feel like I'm in denial, because I've already acknowledged the situation, and accepted it. What else could I do? And trust me.. I know exactly what I should have done after waking up: collect the condoms, go straight to the police (without talking a shower, or washing your clothes, go to hospital etc).. However, your not really thinking right when your mind is totally in shock. All I wanted to do was leave. And never return. I just wanted him out my life.
And you have a great point. But very few things trigger my repressed feelings. The only thing that can trigger my repressed feelings is him (and anyone associated with him--like his friends).. And of course, detailed similar stories of rape victims like the ones in my human sexuality class. I dont get depressed when I see a soldier or a man on the streets.. because I know all men are not the same. Im not going to let one bad apple spoil it for the rest. And im not going to make the next man pay for the last mans mistakes.
But your right, future birthdays will be somewhat of a challenge. My next birhtday is coming up soon. Im going to have to really pray about that one. Im so glad I have God in my life, He's the only thing that keeps me sane. If it weren't for Him, I would have probably been severely depressed, and turned to drugs and alcohol after a terribly embarrassing, traumatic experience like this. Besides, this man/men may have had control over my body (for a short period of time), but he doesn't have control over my mind. Only I do.
And I totally know what you mean about the relationships. Im dating a great man right now. We actually met very shortly after the rape (about a month). But my feelings were so deeply repressed, so it didnt bother me not one bit. Now Im in love with this guy. However, we do have problems with me opening up to him. But i doubt its all due to the rape. I've always been a very very shy person throughout my life. The only problem the rape did was made me lose my sex drive. When I first met him about a month after the rape, I had no desire to have sex. None whatsoever. However, I eventually fell in love with him after several months, and he made my sex drive sky rocket! But only for him. For everyone else, my sex drive is dead. The only thing now is that I would like to tell him what happen to me, but I dont know how and when. Its even difficult to write about this on this blog, so I cant even imaging talking about it in person. I havent even told any one yet. Besides, I dont want him thinking Im dirty and wanting nothing to do with me after I tell him. He is also a Sheriff.. so I have a feeling that he's either going to pressure me to report this to the police, or pressure me to tell him who the guy is so he can get his gun, hunt him and his friends down and kill them dead. I really believe he would. So I dont know what to do. I will tell him eventually, but I think I should wait a while longer.
Its so hard to know where to start with this. First I do want to say to Joyce818, After hearing your story, as well as everyone else's, you all are INCREDIBLY strong and brave. I do want to say Joyce818, you say that you wish you would have been strong enough to report your incident, but "apparently you weren't" I think just the fact that you are moving on and working past it shows just exactly how strong you are. Especially since it was done to you at the hand of someone who you were with, when that happens it is a definite shock. You find it inconceivable that someone whom you had already been with would do something like that. I actually was raped by my, now EX fiance. I didnt wake up to what you did, but there was other evidence for me. I never turned him in because for the longest time I thought there HAD to be another explanation as to how I became unconscious. And the idea that it was HIM, it was so hard for me to even begin to grasp. I was able to push it out of my head. (Its amazing what the human mind can choose to remember or what not to.) I actually am a psychology major and had just completed my course on Human Sexuality too like you, and I STILL wouldnt admit to myself what he had done. So Joyce818,I think I have an idea where you are coming from, I dont think that its due to lack of strength though. I think a big part of it is just that it is hard to come forward with something like rape PERIOD. But then to have to come forward against someone who you were involved with.... that makes it harder still. When it comes to my ex, I have the same view you have... I will let God deal with him. And I have moved on. You definitely have strength though. Unfortunately for me, thats not where my story ends. The reason that I actually ended up stumbling across this site is due to the fact that I was raped again, around a year and a half ago, 6 months after my ex had done it. This is the incident that I am having a really hard time with. This was actually done at the hands of a man I never knew, and who had a sworn duty to protect and serve, not to be one of the criminals they are supposed to keep off the street. When it occurred, I figured there was NO WAY anyone would take my word against his, so I intended on just pushing through and trying to cope on my own. When it happened I was in complete and utter shock. But, by the next day, I was already having a hard time. I was just basically emotionless. I was a zombie. I felt nothing. I went to work, some how made it through my shift, and thats when I realized I couldnt not do anything about it. One thing that really was eating at me was the way that I could TELL that there was NO WAY that I was the first he had done this to. I just couldnt live with myself knowing that he had done this before, got away with it, and if I did nothing, Im sure would do it again and who knows for how long continue to get away with it. He was actually ON DUTY when he did it to me. Uniform, badge, gun and all. I just thought about it and worried for every other woman that would be as unfortunate as I was to be pulled over by him if I didnt say anything, I felt I would be responsible to anyone who would become his next target. I then chose to find the strength somewhere in me, and in God and so I actually did come forward with it. At this point the wound is still very deep for me. I am still waiting the decision as to whether or not they think they have enough evidence to put him behind bars. So I am not going to go into the horrible details of the whole incident, I just have really been feeling the need to get this out. I sought therapy, and I KNOW that this whole thing is NOT my fault, but I still cant help but have all things that come along with it. The initial shock, it felt like the worlds worst nightmare, but I wasnt waking up. I have gotten better at coping due to therapy and everything, But there are so many times I want to just get it out of me but dont know how. I dont even understand the feelings most of the time. The numbness, the guilt(how does that work that the innocent feels the guilt and blame from others?!), the loss of control, its like I try so hard to control every other aspect of my life SO HARD to try to compensate and get back the control over my own life that was taken by him. I guess thats why I was started reading this whole thing in the first place, trying to be able to make my way back to a normal healthy sex life free from flashbacks. Its like all emotion and feelings for me when it comes to sex has been ripped away too. I feel like I am running in circles and at any moment about to just lose it and drop the ball on everything. Especially knowing that on top of these feelings Im having to struggle through, if they do send this to trial, then I will have to relive it in front of others and the defense will try to shred me to pieces. This is where the gray area comes in like someone posted about. I guess he never really thought I WOULD come forward. But since I did he is trying to take the defense saying I "consented". The thought of it makes me want to vomit. There are so many things about the case to show that I didnt. But they only prosecute if they are like almost certain they will get a conviction. And just because I had no choice but to cooperate....Especially him being fully armed, pulled me over when no one was around, and as it was I thought he was going to kill me, what could I do? I always find myself wondering if there would have been a different outcome had I made a run for it or fought back as hard as I could. But then the only outcome I get is that I definitely would be dead. I did what I had to do to stay alive, I did not think there was any way in hell he would take a chance of me coming forward, but I guess if he has done it enough and never had it happen before, he might have thought it ever would. But I knew at the time if there was the slightest chance I would live, I had to at least try for it. I have never felt and known so much terror. I just remember I was convinced I would never see my family again. So it comes down to who they believe more, him or me cause there were no marks, cuts, bruises or anything. I dont know what I am going to do if there is no justice due the fact that I wasnt beat to sh*t or dead in a gutter somewhere. Sorry if my post has turned into a LONG thing...It just really seems that people experience a range of the same emotions, but in their own way. But its just impossible to describe them to someone who has never been raped. Or even to my therapist. But, I know that by at least getting it out on here, I can at least try to release all of this Sh*t that has just been drowning me. I get images in my head, gut wrenching thoughts, and so many other things all at once. Its nice to escape them. Though my family has been really supportive, it is still so degrading, I cant talk to them about this. They know it occurred, but thats the extent of what they know. I cannot seem to really bring myself to be able to open up about it unless I absolutely HAVE to. But So many others showed so much courage to post their traumatic experiences on here, so publicly, I figured I would as well. I think it helps because through this I know that there ARE people out there that have experienced alot of the same emotions and issues I am trying to handle and actually understand. Plus you never know who you might actually help by telling your story.
Sorry if my post seems like it is out of order, It was taking me so long to get it out and in the mean time Joyce and you posted. So I just wanted to clarify, the first part of my post was in response to Joyce's first post.
@DD: Thanks!! And yes, I know I am a very strong woman. No matter what the situation, I've always have a lot of control over myself psychologically. However, I admit that I am not very brave. I have not told anyone about this, not even my best friend or family. I just cant. I might tell my future spouse one day, but thats about it. I know this might sound very crazy.. but everyone has their own way of coping, and my way of coping is repression. If it works, then why not?
And your right.. its amazing how the human brain can repress memories so well until you sometimes forget they even happened. This is an innate defense/coping mechanism that our brain uses to prohibit severely traumatic experience from entering our conscious mind. Therapy and counseling dont really work to well for me, because I already know well over half the stuff their telling me. Im also a psych major, and my area of study for my masters is clinical psychology. My goal is to be a clinical psychologist very soon. And I hope this doesn't prevent me from doing well in my career of helping others. Because I wont let it. I will pray and ask God for strength (although I know better than to recommend repression to my patients as a way to cope!). Also, I am very sorry what happen to you. But you did the right thing of reporting it. I wish I would have been brave like you. Only 5% of rapes get reported, and I feel terrible that I fall in that 95%. But like I said, I have to move on. I really hope that man who assaulted you gets locked behind bars. He should not be in law enforcement, and on the streets pretending to help people. Same thing with men who offended me, they should not be in the military pretending to fight for this country when they are harming the very same citizens that they are suppose to be helping. Im glad you decided to share your story. Talking about it does help. Im ok with repressing my feelings for the rest of my life.. as long as I can freely discuss it with at least one person in my life when I feel the urge to (like a spouse or significant other). After being raped, now I see why only 5% of victims report it: because it is INCREDIBLY difficult to converse about rape. Especially gang rape like my situation. I dont know how people do it in court trials.. It was extremely hard for me just posing on this blog, although I know nobody knows me, and my real name is not even Joyce. I had to pause and take like 3 deep breaths while writing my post. So far, this is the most difficult subject I've ever had to discuss in my life. So you are extremely brave.
Joyce and DD, You are both VERY BRAVE in your own ways and don't let anyone tell you you are not. It takes courage to put one foot in front of the other each day after being sexually traumatized. There is always the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" -- but no guarantees that even if we do the "right" thing and report our rape that justice will be done.
Joyce, I'm just glad you are in a loving, sexually healthy relationship with someone you trust now. There is no reason to jump in and tell your sheriff guy what happened to you. Maybe if you are engaged and feel "full disclosure" is important. But you can already see the reaction he is likely to have. He will take matters into his own hands (in the name of helping you, of course). And there will go all your nice control. So think about it and read up on partners' reactions to rape.It may help you decide one way or the other.
DD, I'm so very sorry for both of your rapes, both by men who should have been TRUSTWORTHY and who abused that trust.
You mention that you're sure you are not the only person this "law" officer has pulled this on. It's quite possible he has a file in process and the DA is just amassing enough evidence to stick it to him. Would it help you to be one of many rather than sticking yourself out there solo? BTW, an officer who is on duty who pulls you over and engages in sex with you -- even if it is somehow "consensual" is still abusing his authority.
It's like a doctor, psychiatrist or other person of authority. You simply cannot have "consensual" sex with a patient, or in your case, with a random citizen being pulled over for a moving violation.
I am going to have to bone up on my criminal law. I can't advise you who you should talk to. Obviously NOT anyone at this officer's department. But maybe go straight to the DA. You may also consider bringing a civil suit against the department. Sounds like they are protecting a rogue cop and he needs to be STOPPED or he will continue doing this to other women.
Let me do some research and see what I can find.
Good luck to you both. Please continue chatting -- this kind of sharing is GREAT (even though the topic totally sucks). MM
@Mighty Mom: Yes, your right I cant tell my sheriff boyfriend right now. He would go ballistic and cause a huge scene, have his gun ready, and demand that I tell him whos the guy/guys. Then he would probably get angry with me for trying to keep it a secret.. and that would just create more relationship problems. But I will tell him eventually. I have to. Especially if we ever engaged or plan to marry. I've never told anyone, so I wont feel right unless its off my chest. Besides, before I tell him, I want to show him that I can still be a loving woman who has her life together, and still mentally and sexually healthy despite what happen to her. I don't want him to look at me and label me as a "rape victim".. especially a gang rape victim involving several men. He probably hears enough of these rape stories at his job, so I don't want him to have to hear it at home with me too. So I will tell him once more time passes. It hasn't even been a full year yet... but almost. Thanks for the advice though, I already feel better talking about it... especially since its been completely repressed for almost 9 months. And yes, I will research on the partners reactions. Good idea. Thanks.
Hi Joyce,
You really sounds like you have a solid plan there.
I totally agree with holding off on telling the sheriff boyfriend. Not forever. Just until the time feels right for you.
Best of luck with everything. Including celebrating your 26th birthday! MM
Yes.. i will try my best to enjoy my birthday in febuary and repress my feelings as hards as I can. Just one more thing.. Im not sure if you've ever been sexually assaulted..but if so, have you told any of the men in your life? (boyfriend/husband). How did they react?
Yes. This hub talks about my rape.
I have told only very serious boyfriends and my husbands (one deceased, one I'm married to). It is NOT something I lead with. I wait until I feel comfortable revealing it. Like you, I don't want to be viewed as a "rape victim" if my sexual past is not impacting my current relationship. For me, it's ancient history now. But I learned in the years immediately following the rape that people -- not just men -- have a really, really hard time understanding or relating. They may mean well, but they simply don't get it. Except for those who have had similar experiences. That's why I like to chat to people here because we all share a common bond. Our circumstances are not the same but the crime is and we are all here to help each other heal.
I hope you don't have to live your life with the memories of your rape repressed, but rather will one day find the tools to confront what happened to you and get those feelings OUT and GONE. Once you can do that you won't have to worry about repressing. But if repressing is working for you -- go with that. Whatever works, I say!!
@ Joyce .. I totally understand your hesitation towards letting anyone know what happened to you. That was actually was my original plan. As much as I know nobody wants anyone knowing when something like this happens , I had no choice when I decided to come forward with it. I still feel like my family looks at me differently tho. If I thought I was the only one he would do this to, I WOULD have kept it to myself. It is good that you will eventually let your future spouse know, just cause there might still be some issues that could arise in the future. I pray you don’t ever have issues tho. But if repression works for you right now, and you are doing well and in a healthy relationship then more power to you. Just if ever something just isn’t sitting right anymore, you might have to face what happened. I know that I am repressing some things, cause there are things I just CANNOT remember no matter how hard I try. But like you said, sometimes it stays out of the conscious mind for its own safety and self preservation. You said therapy doesn’t work for you due to you knowing a lot of what they know, and I always thought it would be the same way with me since clinical psych was what I wanted to end up in too. But when this actually occurred and I needed the therapy, I wasn’t able to separate myself from what I know in my mind the books say and from what I was experiencing. But if you were able to do that, then that’s really good and you have a great understanding of yourself, Which definitely helps to heal. For over the past year, I have been telling myself that I know I am strong and I can get over this and move on with my life and forget it ever happened. And I really believed that I had. But then I realized earlier in my post how hard it was to get it out. It took me like 3 hrs to be able to get all of it out and then make the choice to send it. I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult, there were feelings coming up that I didn’t even know were there. Like you though, Im not using my real name either. The fact that none of us know each other really DOES help. Though my post caused a very hard realization for me, I have not come very far in the past year at all. As soon as I acknowledged the existence of them, I am back at feeling like it just happened. Once I let myself acknowledge my fears and emotions by getting it out, the whole shock stage set back in. Which I REALLY don’t get, I thought I had at least passed that. But at the same time there is a feeling of relief that they actually came out to individuals who can relate. You should not feel terrible for being in the 95% you just handle your trauma differently. You actually seem to be coping better than I am. I am having the intimacy issues due to it. But you have managed to get your life going again, and trust me, MOST OFTEN I think to myself that I really must be crazy to try to take all this on. I hope that he ends up behind bars too, and I KNOW that God will make sure that the horrible cowards who hurt you get what they deserve. I actually found out from the detectives on my case, that a lot of times rapists go for uniform career like that to hide behind. Because people see someone like the service men or this cop and think they are there to protect. And they are the last ones ever suspected. I always wondered too why no one ever comes forward and now have a very good understanding why. Cuz ur right, I agree with you, it IS the most difficult thing in the world. I actually realized earlier, I cannot say the word “rape” when talking to my mother, its always “what that cop did to me” The word alone makes me wanna vomit. Even though the topic of how we are managing to relate sucks, I wanna say that I am glad that you did post your story. You actually even happen to be the same age as me too.
Sorry this one ended up being long again too….
Thanks Mighty mom, I think you are as well too. I would have never been able to post it like this if it weren’t for the fact of you starting this hub in the first place. You are a great person. I hope that eventually some day, I can be handling and coping with my trauma as well as you have. I actually have thought of possibly using my trauma as a learning experience and a way to help others by changing from the field of clinical psychology to a field that would allow me to help individuals who experience trauma like rape. It would allow me to relate and and create something good from the horrible. I still have a while tho till im done with school. Like I said I haven’t coped the best. After my Ex, that one I know just repressed, but when the LE raped me, I think that’s when it started to put me over the edge and its just gonna stay there until I fully address it. But yea, like you said it was done to me by two individuals who I should have been able to trust. So needless to say I have trust issues. And I made the mistake of trying to rush myself to become intimate with the guy I was with at the time the cop raped me. I wasn’t and am still not ready. I think it just has caused me to be even more hesitant towards the thought of letting someone touch me like that again. I don’t have really any urge for sex really. I know in my own time tho I will be ready when I am ready. The fact that my rapist is a cop just instills so much fear in me. I mean what do you do when you are being raped and scream for help, but oh wait, the rapist IS the cop. I just don’t feel safe. And I don’t know if he has any corrupt buddies in there I need to worry about . I had mentioned that I knew I couldn’t possible been the only one he has done this too merely because it was like it was nothing to him. He was so nonchalant. Knew exactly where to go, and when he said what he said it was like no big deal to him. He just had the entire thing planned out too well for him to be winging it. Just a lot of the aspects of what he said or did tell me im probably not alone. I really DO hope that they are able to get a group of us against him. It would definitely be easier to one of many. Cause if this does go to trial, I don’t even want anyone who knows me to be anywhere near that court. I will be the ONLY one there and I will face it alone. But if I was one of many, then there is a support system there. Though, I hope there ISNT anyone else, I would never want that. But I know there is. Its just a matter if the DA can find them. But yea, his whole “consenting” argument it just ridiculous, I was appalled to find out that was his defense. Just the fact that he does something like that on duty shows there is something wrong right there. And that he already loses credibility. Or at least I would think that would be the case. When it came to coming forward, I was not about to go through the cops. But I have a close friend who is a cop that has known me since I was like 8yrs old, I ONLY trust him, plus to me I don’t know him as “ a cop” hes just “a dork” to me. Only cause I knew him before he was a cop. Otherwise if I hadn’t , I know that would be one friendship that would probably suffer no matter how hard I tried to not let it change my view of him. He was the one I went to tho. He put me in touch with his sergeant whom he trusted greatly and knew I could trust. He did not take it well that someone in the same profession as him did this to some he is so close to. I think he felt like he should have been able to protect me from it and as if he failed me somehow by not being there to save me when I needed it most. In the entire time I have known him, he has always been like a protective big bro. He was the one that protected me and helped me to leave my ex who sexually abused/ assaulted me. I owe a lot of making it through that to him. He was there for me completely.
Sorry this was long as well. Im sure my posts will get smaller though, its just this is the only time I have gotten any of this out to anyone ever since it happened with the exception of to the detectives. But their questions arent about how im dealing and coping, so I never get to express any of this to anyone. Its the first time I have experienced at least some relief. I just feel bad that they are so long.
Yes!! Exactly! It disgust me how someone can do a thing like this. When people think of a rapist, they usually think of some weird, mischievous looking guy on the street...perhaps fondling his balls... But in reality its the very same people in your lives who we trust, and let our gaurd down. Its still hard to believe that he did what he did to me.. I liked him so much--he was smart, funny, handsome, and I was really falling for him. The times I spent at his house, I never felt uncomfortable or like I was in danger. Even his Navy friends and roommates were all very nice and polite to me (the very same ones who may have participated the my gang rape). And whats worst...he didnt even have the decency to clean up all the used condoms before I woke so I wouldn't find out (because like I said earlier, I didnt mind having sex with just him since I really liked him). But he just didnt care.
And your right.. only very serious partners should know. I might not even tell him until after we're married. Im very worried about his reaction. Especially since I didnt report it. Thats just makes me look like more like a coward since I didnt have the gutts to speak out like you.. and all the other brave women in the 5% range. I just pray that he can understand. And Im also afraid that he might look at sex with me differently.. or probably loose his sex drive for me all together. Especially in my situation, where not only one, but several men raped me at once.. and I dont even have any clue how many. Its so disgusting, I hope he doesn't think Im dirty when I finally tell him. Because that would really really crush me.
I cant even belive Im now having all these repressed feelings come up after 9 whole months of repression. I didnt even know I had these feeling in me. I dont want to have to repress my feelings for ever either. Thats why I really want my future husband to know. There might be times I might half to talk about this.. and Im not expecting him to be my counselor or therapist (especially since I know most men probably wont know what to say or do).. all Im expecting is a listening ear. Because talking about it really helps. Especially if its been repressed so long like in my case.
And I really dont feel comfortable telling my family. I know they will pray for me and be supportive.. but just like you, I dont want them looking at me differently. I HATE when people feel pity for me, and treat me like Im handicapped. And thats exactly what my family would do (even tho they mean well).
So you feel your are not over yours yet? How long ago did yours happen? And dont worry.. It was expremely painful for me writing my first post on here.. even tho I know nobody knows me. Its just extremely hard to get it out.. regardless if this through writing or talking (especially talking). And Im sorry you have the intamacy issues.. but im sure your husband understands. As much as I hate to say this, the fact that I had amnesia helped a lot (and by no means does this make the situation right). But if all those men would have forced me down and raped me while I was concious, and if I would have had to live through that agonizing pain and humiliation, then I dont know where I'd be right now. I would probably be in some psych ward crying myself to sleep every night because I would have lost all control. So in a way, Im glad I dont have many memories or flashbacks.. that helps me a lot to repress my feelings, because I dont remember much.
So since I see you still feel all this pain, how do you cope with this now? Im sure this webpages helps.. but do you also still get therapy or help from your husband or family? And dont worry, you have already done a very brave thing by creating his website/blog. Im sure this has helped you, and a lot of other women... including me. Im too embarrased to tell anyone about this face to face, or even tell anyone that I know. So this is the very first time I've ever even got it out to anyone. And so far, it has already really really helped me. I feel like the load is somewhat off my shoulder. So thank you!
@MM: And one more thing.. I know you are still in the healing process yourself.. but doesn't this website sometimes make it very difficult for you to heal? I know you've been keeping up with it for quite some time now (around 3yrs).. But doesn't all our rape stories just remind you of your own? How can you get over something if you keep hearing it, and are reminded of it day after day? And don't get me wrong, this website that you've created for us survivors is a beautiful and kind thing you've done.. but I'm just curious...
But maybe we just have very different coping strategies Maybe you keeping up with this website is what helps you. But I couldn't do it. Because cause everytime I hear a rape story, I would think about my own. And thats not good since my main coping strategy is repression. Im only talking about my story now because I feel I have to get it off my chest or Im gonna explode. But very soon, Im going to have to switch back to repression, so I can just forget about it, and lead a normal life again.. like I have been doing the last 8 months (before I found this blog).
Yea, a lot of people don’t realize that rapists usually can pass all psychological testing and appear normal. But what people don’t seem to get, is that they have the image of a rapist being some really weird creepy looking guy on the street like ya said, but that’s usually never the case. Obviously women are not gonna allow themselves to be approached by someone who they really think COULD be a rapist! Even with what happened to you, where you said that if it would have just been him it would have been different. I still have to say, you were unconscious at the time. If he is capable of assaulting someone unconscious that is still disturbing. I was sick to my stomach when I realized my ex had assaulted me anally while I was unconscious. I think what bothered me the most was the fact that he did not care if I was mentally checked in or not, I became an object, that’s it. I was something to take out his aggression on. That is why he drugged me, it was the only way he could take that much anger out and inflict so much pain to make him feel better. If I was conscious he might have had trouble seeing me as just an object, which is what he wanted. I had trouble realizing that the guy I was living with, fell in love with, had chosen to intentionally inflict pain on me and to not even see the problem with it.
Whenever you choose to tell your future husband, whether it be the guy you are dating now or not, if he is a decent human, which from what you have said he seems to be, he will be fully understanding. When a person actually loves you and doesn’t just see you as a vessel to release anger and rage, they will support you. And with what he does for his profession, I think that he would actually be very understanding. He knows that rapes occur and just because you chose not to report it doesn’t mean you are a coward. It just was not the decision you felt would be best for you. Which in your case, I completely understand. Even though in my position I chose to come forward, If I would have been in your shoes I can honestly say that I probably would have done exactly same as you. I think though, that anyone you become that serious with and get to the point of marriage with, will not look at you any differently and will not lose his attraction to you based on something that wasn’t your fault.
But as far as all the repressed feelings coming out, I know how you feel. I thought I had been coping fine and really just made myself tough . Thought I had gotten over it basically, But instead it just turns out I was really good a lying to myself. I hid and repressed it for over the entire year, it happened sept. 2010. Im not married tho, it was my bf that had been a bit of a support system for me. We broke up though. But by lyin to myself I didn’t have to face the actual pain I guess, the realization that I am in pain and need help tho.. All of this got triggered for me due to the fact that I am experiencing behavior that is unlike me and I don’t know why I am doing it so I don’t understand it, it just really makes me remember the complete lack of control I have right now in my life. It makes me restless. But I don’t talk to anyone in person about it tho. On here Im ok, first post was hard to get out. but I cannot be this open to someone looking straight at me. I think I still might go back to counseling tho, something is stopping me from facing some of the issues. But there are still too many reminders, flashbacks, and nightmares I get stuck living over and over again. With this much still being affected and everything and causing self destructive behavior for me. I just really have the hang up on the idea of becoming intimate with a man again. The idea of letting my control down bothers me. I just cant do it.
[My thoughts before reading this Hub]
Lalalalala, I'll just do some Hub Hopping... Oh hey it's Mighty Mom, she writes great Hubs... Whoa "Sex after Rape"?... Why would she write about that?... Why am I talking to myself?... Oh well, let's read and find out.
[My thoughts after reading this Hub]
... O_O... Very powerful, honest, and... other words that define heroic. Rape is a very serious topic, and I'm glad that you were able to share this. And as I read some of the comments it seems like you have made an impact on many women who have experienced being raped, and abused (some were very shocking and changed the way I think about the subject.) Thanks for sharing (you are very brave), and I really like your work. Voted Up, Useful, and Interesting.
Hi ladies,
I'm so glad you are able to talk directly to each other and encourage each other and learn from each other. That is exactly what this little "rape club" of ours is all about. In a short time you've both learned that your reactions are completely normal (for a completely abnormal situation). And there's no "right" or "wrong" way to get through/past this.
We all share important things in common. Self-doubt is right up there. And some form of self-destructive behavior, especially in our sex lives, is really common.
The one tactic that will NOT work long-term is denial. Those feeling are in there and they will come out at some point. At odd times and in really inappropriate ways. Facing the pain is hard. NOT facing the pain is setting yourself up for disaster (maybe not today or next week, but sometime).
The best thing is what you are both doing here -- writing your truth. Giving voice to your anger, your doubts, your disgust, your fears -- helps take the power out of them.
Two other very quick things. I personally do not feel that not reporting your rape makes you a coward. It may make you a realist. This is my opinion, but I've stated many times (and been criticized for it), but sometimes the wise thing is to spare yourself the double trauma of a trial. No one can tell you what you should do in your situation.
Finally, I need to correct a misperception. My rape was more than 25 years ago. I started writing on Hub Pages 3 years ago. I had no plan to write about my rape until someone asked a rape-related question. I DO feel like I've healed but it did not happen within 1 year -- not even close. I had a lot of self-destructive years before settling into a healthy relationship and acceptance that yes, I did live through that surreal night (and I could have been killed). Time is a great healer. But you have to be willing to own the pain and the rage.
I know in my heart you are both going to be fine.
Keep talking and keep listening. Trust your gut on who to share with and who not to. Blessings, MM
@DD: I think its amazing how all of us have the exact sames feelings.. but in our own way. I thought I was the only who was first in denial and now in repression. I lied to myself immediately after it happed too.. and I was a great liar for 8 whole months, until now (when my sex class triggered the feeling back). I really don't know how ima fully enjoy my next birthday which is coming soon... out of all days, this just had to happen on my birthday :/. And yes I know. I hope my future husband doesn't look at me differently. But its going to be very hard to tell him. I doubt I will even be able to look him in the face. I haven't had sex yet since the rape. But the man im with now, I really love him, and I think im ready. But im kinda worried about my next sexual experience.. ima have to do a lot of repressing so I can enjoy myself. I just pray that I wont have any flashbacks while being intimate with the man I love.. cuz that would be a total mood killer.
And yes... That's exactly why I can't come forth. It was not just one man.. it was several. And I have no idea who, or how many. I've met several of his friends before, and they were all nice and polite and looked like they wouldn't harm a fly. So the cops would had to investigate each and everyone of his friends and roommates as possible suspects..and some of his friends/roommates my be innocent. Not every man is a dog. And also, I can't even be sure to find each man.. becaause some men might have been smart enough to actually pick up their condom and clean up the evidence... it was only the stupid ones who left the evidence there for me to see as I woke. That's why its just too hard to come forth. It could have been 10 men who did this to me, or it could have been 20. I don't know. All I know is that they hurt me. And it kinda bothers me that I will never know exactly what happen to me that night. If only one man would have hurt me like this, and I knew exactly who he was, then of course I would have reported it. No doubt. But to have to go into a court room, with 20 possible suspects, and completely clueless on who did what.. then that's just too much. Too much work, too much stress, and worse of all...too much humiliation. So i'd rather just take the loss. And like I said, they will still be punished...I don't know who all hurt me, but God knows.
@DD & ALL OTHER RAPE VICTIMS: I think that all the emotions we are experiencing are quite normal. I think we are both strong (including several other people on this site). A lot of individuals completely have their lives shattered after experiencing something so traumatic as this. I know its quite difficult to regain control.. but you have to. We already had these bastards take our body.. so we can't let them take our control too. But I understand that's easier said than done. We just have to keep working at it and keep fighting. Just think of it like this: that disgusting pig may have had you physically for a few moments (or in my case.. a full night), but that's all he had. Now he shouldn't have the right to control your mind as well. And to me, that's more important. Besides, one day you will be in a loving relationship with someone who cares about you and truly respects you and loves you. And that's what counts. Once you can understand that, then you can put the past behind you. That's what Im in the process of doing. Its not easy, but its well worth the fight.. and Im up for the challenge. And if you also have God in your life, then thats even better. More power to you. I never get too depressed because I know several rape victims don't make it out the situation alive. So instead of feeling depressed, I actually feel lucky and blessed. Those men could have killed me, severely beat me or damaged me, or dumped me in the local river while I was still unconscious (we hear about stories on the news like that all the time). Yes, they damaged me emotionally... but even that damage can be healed with the right support from your loved ones, and with a positive mindset on behalf of yourself. I belive God allows things to happen for a reason. My unfortunate situation only made me stronger. In Mighty Moms case, maybe God allowed this happen to her so she can help others.. like how shes doing now. Im so glad she created this site, because most of us are too embarrassed to talk about this to law enforcement, or even to our loved ones. So this site let's us get it all out without anyone having to judge us for something that wasn't our fault. So congratulations on helping so many women MM! You really helped me. Sorry for the supper long email.. but it just feel so good to converse about subject after having my feelings buried and repressed for so long.
@MM I am DEFINITELY grateful for this site. Talking on here has actually managed to help me cope more just in the past few days than I did in the entire time since my assault happened. I have definitely faced up to the pain and got really honest with myself. Now that I am aware why that the destructive behavior I was referring to was going on, I know that I can be the one to stop it. Unfortunately I wish that I would have been able to sooner. I know I need to let myself heal before I can ever be intimate with a man again. And even then it will be hard but if I can manage to completely trust him and know that whenever it may happen if I need him to stop that he actually will, then I think I can actually manage to have a healthy sex life again. What I am not sure of though, is how do I GET to that point? My own ex fiancé raped me. I guess im just not sure how I can get to feeling safe. Which leads me to where I currently have a issue I don’t know what to do about… There is a guy that I know. I have known him for a while and well he wants to go out one night this week. Which I don’t have a problem with that, but I am worried what if he is expecting anything when I don’t want to give, and then when I try to say no, he starts to pressure me? Whether it is with guilt or force…. I have absolutely no reason to even think he would, its just a really big fear I have. Because the last time someone had tried something similar and then wasn’t taking no for an answer and went to just jokingly grab my leg and was pulling at me, this I guess caused me to feel very threatened and very aware of the fact that I was feeling powerless again and quickly reverted back to the assault and I had never had a trigger that strong before. And so I just don’t want to be put into a position like that again. I have no reason to believe this guy would even act like that, but in both assaults I encountered I NEVER would have expected or thought it possible they would have done it either. He does know that I was raped. He does not know details or anything, but he is actually very supportive. More so than basically everyone else in my life and he is the newest person to it. Even yesterday, he could tell I was having a bad day so he called me just to check on me and stayed on the phone with me till I felt a bit better. I would think that knowing I am still coping and that the wound is still deep, he would not even think to attempt to even try or ask for anything. But I don’t want to assume anything cause I never would actually KNOW for sure. But I do like him. He seems like a good person to keep around in my life. I just don’t know about the fear I get…. I mean I cant lock myself up forever. This is where I get lost on the whole dating thing after a trauma like rape. Its just almost so near impossible for me to think I can feel safe.
@Joyce
Yea, I was thinking the same thing about all of us having the same feelings. It is good that it actually works that way cause we can help each other better then and relate. It wasn’t until I came on here that I thought any one could be feeling the same as me, I felt so alone. Its nice to not feel alone anymore. That’s good that you are feeling that you might be ready to become intimate again. I think if you are ready and you feel safe you might be ok. But ya never know for sure …..that’s why whenever I am ready I want the person to know about what happened. I would be too worried about an accidental flashback and then he has no clue why I would be so hysterical ya know? I guess there is a trade off either way. All I know is that I know I am not so hence my above dilemma? and like you said one day there will be someone who I can be with again, its just I have no idea how to get there if someone even worth it came along. But I also just wanted to tell ya that I think you are looking at your assault in a good way… you are drawing strength from it. And that is great? I am starting to with mine as well, just not when I am trying to decide if I should go on a date or not. Errrr…. I remember I always used to think dating was hard before, I knew nothing! Lol
i feel like im dragging my rape on. like i should "just get over it." ive gone to counseling, i have friends to help me get through it but i cant seem to let it go. im scared my friends will get sick of me, and leave. i hate being some victim but i cant help it. i NEED to talk about it with someone. and sometimes i wish no one had ever found out.. my cousin raped me. i was 5, and it went on for 2 or 3 years, multiple times a week every week. then after it stopped i had to go to "family dinners" once a week and see him. and pretend everything was fine. it screwed with me. and now im filled with grief, regret, self-loathing, guilt, everything thats been said before. im not special in any way or important so i dont see why i cant get over it. i know everything he did, even if i dont remember how many times or where all it happened. but all i know is i cant get over it and i wish i could so i could stop complaining and having to be a victim anymore
Im trying to heal too but its not easy. Despite my strength, I must admit that Im still somewhat in denial. Im not crying, Im not depressed, Im not scared to be intimate with someone again.. but instead, Im trying to forget that anything ever happed, as a way of coping. Im trying so hard. The thought of being intimate with a man again does not trigger my feelings of the rape. The only thing that triggers my feelings is the word "rape". I've now noticed that when I hear that word, it brings chills to my spine. So I obviously have an emotional connotation with that word. Im almost ready to drop my sexuality class in school because we keep discussing rape, and its a very touchy subject for me. I feel like the whole time in class, someone is just pressing my buttons. When Im in class, I feel like im experiencing the rape all over again. I just cant wait for this class to be over. I dont even think about my rape unless the subject is brought up by somebody else. Thus, Im perfectly fine as long as nothing reminds me of the subject.
@DD. How did your boyfriend react when you told him about the rape?
I would like to tell my boyfriend so bad. So far I haven't told anyone, and I really need to get this out to someone in person. And he is the only perosn where I feel comfortable talking about anything. I know I would be comfortable telling him, but Im just afraid Im going to scare him away, or he's going to think of me as a "victim" for the rest of my life, or someone who he has to play "therapist" with.
And I cant believe your own fiance actually raped you. I think being raped by someone you know very well makes it even harder for you to trust people. Of course, almost nobody will trust a stranger, so being raped by a stranger is not as alarming. But when its someone you actually knew and trusted, then that makes you not wanna trust anyone ever again. And I know what you mean.. actually getting to that point of healing is not easy. I honestly feel that the only solution is time. Time is strong enough to ease the pain of almost anything. And I know your next question to yourself is probably, "how much time?". But that just depends on you. Im sure some people take several months to heal, and some take years. I know its difficult, but you just have to be strong. And I think having a supportive relationship with your family or a significant other would help tremendously.
@Sarah. Im sorry to hear that. Have you been in a relationship so far? I know exactly what you mean about having trouble letting go of it. Have you had counseling?
i was raped by my boyfriends friend when i was 18. since then i have finaly found it was not my fault, and it has changed me, i believe im more sexual now. and when i get turned down i get very emotional.
Hi jen and welcome to the ongoing discussion of the different ways we experience our rapes and heal from them. Some awesome advice and support here (I hope you will find).
Sounds like you are on a journey of self-discovery about your part in your boyfriend's friend's BAD BEHAVIOR.Damned straight it was NOT YOUR FAULT. Glad you got to that realization.
As to your sexuality, there's no right or wrong way to heal from being sexually molested. Good for you for being in tune with what you're doing and your feelings about sex and men. I hope you find quality of sex/love so you don't have to go through feeling rejected -- not a good feeling, I know.
Good luck to you and thanks for commenting. MM
@Joyce
When I told my boyfriend he was actually very supportive. I was expecting him to disappear because we had only been "exclusive" for about 2 weeks. So the relationship was very new. But I told him anyways and he actually took me to the hospital and was there for everything. He even put up with the detectives asking him questions and stayed with me the whole night. Even when I had to tell my parents he was there with me for that. He didnt say much about it but he was very supportive as far as just making sure he was there for me. So I am sure that if you tell your boyfriend he will be just as supportive. Especially since you and him have been together longer than me and my boyfriend were at the time. It is your decision, but I dont think he will run away from you. He will probably be very angry at the people who did it to you, and he will probably want to kill them, but then he will probably focus more on you and how you are doing. But I know what you mean about the word "rape" it sends chills down my spine as well. And yea, trust is a HUGE issue for me, cause its like anytime I am around a guy or dating a guy, I think that if he really wanted to he could do the exact same thing... and its like how do I know that he wont? But you are right, it is just something that I think is going to take time.
Mighty Mom
I was just paroosing HubPages and saw your article for the first time. I went to another page and decided to come back as if to try to pretend it never happened. I have two different incidents that have affected me. The first being an acquaintence rape with an older man. I was 18 and he was at least 35. He showed up at my apartment and just kept pushing the issue until before I knew it he was "in my business" I cannot tell you how defeated and violated I felt. I didn't report him because I felt too ashamed. My second encounter was really only a few years later. I was a newly wed and in a new job. My boss was a good 10 years older and now to think of it, was only hired on the basis that I reminded him of some lost love he longed for. There was some kind of psychological damage going on here and inappropriate touching. He messed with my head. I was so tormented that it was messing with my marriage. I finally told my husband and he got me out of there but the mental anguish did not go away so quickly. I could be sleeping and my husband would touch my arm and I would flinch. Not good. I have gotten older and wiser and what I know now is that no woman should be ashamed to reach out for help, I was stupid enough not to and I think I could have recovered more quickly had I only asked for some help.
Thank you for posting a topic that many women are afraid to talk about.
Hey DD. Good as always to see you. I'm thrilled that you and Joyce are being supportive to each other and to other commenters. That's what this is all about!
Cre8ivOne,
Thank you for adding an important piece to this sexual abuse puzzle. Your two assaults were both perpetrated by men much older than you but people you knew and should have been able to trust. Major violations. Messing with your head and inappropriate touching are in their own ways violations on par with full-on intercourse. It's a power/control deal. That guy sounds sick.
Glad to see you are in a loving marriage and your husband sounds great.
It's never too late to reach out for help. It's out there.
Good luck to you. Blessings, MM
Hi, i was raped when i was 20yrs by six guys and i was a virgin. I felt soo inferior and ashamed of myself. It was the most painful and traumatic event i have experienced soo far. I was not able to tell anyone, not even my parents and this has been hunting me for years. Two months after, i realised i was pregnant and aborted the pregancy and this also has caused another torture. I am 23yrs now and i have not been able to sustain not even a single sexual relationship. I hate anything musculine in this world. If you are a guy and you approach me its either i ignore you, that is when you are lucky or i insault you vividly. I have been trying to control but i cant. What do i do?
Hi Christie,
I'm so very sorry for the horrible, cowardly act of those man. That is awful.
I can say truthfully that you deserve to be in a loving relationship and have a normal, exciting and fulfilling sex life. And I believe that will happen for you.
But you've had SUCH a huge trauma -- gang rape, pregnancy, abortion -- that you have a lot of work you must do first.
Will all of this eventually go away on its own and you'll be able to overcome your "hate" of anything masculine? Not very likely. You're still being held captive by these horrible memories whenever you have a negative reaction to a man.
I urge you to seek some counseling to work through all this bad stuff so you can regain power over your body, your emotions and your life. And start living like the beautiful 23 year old woman you are.
Please, please get rape/PTSD counseling.
Good luck to you,
MM
I'm sixteen. I was raped two years ago when I was at a music academy over the summer. I've never told anyone because I should have been stronger. I should have followed the rules and walked with a buddy to go get lunch. This is the first time I've ever admitted it and I'm scared. I don't want anyone I know to find out. I don't want my mom to know because she thinks everything is great. Since then I've struggled with self-harm and anorexia. I'm so scared. I know I need help, but I don't know how to ask. I don't want to break down the facade that I've spent so long building up. I was just walking to lunch one day and three guys came up behind me. There was nothing I could do, but I still blame myself. I'm terrified when I'm alone in a room with a guy, yet alone multiple guys. I just need some help. Please.
Hi Beth,
You're very brave to recognize your self-harm and anorexia issues are related to your rape. So sorry you have been holding this in and feeling so much self-blame. "Coulda shoulda woulda" is a mental game we ALL play -- if you've read any of the posts above you will see how common it is for ALL rape victims to feel they could have done something to prevent what happened.
You did NOTHING WRONG.
I know on some level you do know that. But you are right, you need help for the issues you are dealing with now. I understand not wanting to tell your parents, although I bet they are more aware then you think. They must notice the anorexia (?)
Regardless. I do understand that you are afraid to open up the whole can of worms with them.
You could start with Planned Parenthood. They are discreet and have services for teens. They may not have the exact counseling you need but have lots of information and can point you toward more specific help to re-empower you.
Otherwise, is there a rape counseling service/center in your town? Much more likely if you have a college or university where you live, but any women's health services center should be able to help you find a caring professional.
Will you check back in with us, please, when you get hooked up?
good luck and blessings, MM
I think sex offenders should be required to have treatment using the information above. Better yet, from a young age, everyone should understand the consequences of rape. Remember, men also feel the pain of rape. It hurts when someone we love is violated, even if the violation took place before you met. Reducing and eliminating rape is the only desired goal.
Hello Keith Tax,
Thanks for the reminder that men suffer too. We read a lot about the women and their concern about how to tell their partner and how he may react. It's true that men -- fathers, brothers, uncles, sons, friends -- as well as boyfriends/husbands -- are impacted by a woman's sexual violation.
Eliminating rape is a wonderful goal. I'm ALL for that!
Thanks for the positive note. MM
This really helped me cope with a lot of blockades and thing in my personnel life. I was feeling numb and disassociated and ended several good relationships with this issue. I thought I was broken and unable to feel. Thank you very much for helping put it into perspective a bit more.
Hi Laura,
Glad you found some answers here. We know the difference between healthy, healing feelings and stuck, unproductive feelings. Sometimes that recognition alone breaks the logjam.
Make me king for a day and rape will come to a screeching halt. The solution is to physically, ACTUALLY whip the rapist -- that is, with a real whip. The punishment is whipping. Ten lashes for the first rape, 20 for the second, etc. (But there will rarely be a second offense.) And it's to be done in the public square for all to see as an extremely powerful deterrent.
Absolute, immediate, screeching halt.
But alas, our society is too "polite" for such a solution. To most of our gutless society, it's much better to continue to allow a coupla hundred thousand women to be raped every year. Yes, that's much more "polite."
I agree with you. There's nothing polite about rape. It should be brought out into the cold harsh light of day.
I wouldn't even mind handing the victim(s) the whip to do the flogging. We know rape is a crime of anger/aggression not sex. Show the perp how it feels to have violent anger turned on them. Yes, I like your idea.
MM
I don't know what's better, the article, the men piping up and having interest, or all these women supporting each other.
Having been raped when I was 10 multiple times (swim team practice) and then finally telling my mom at 17, just to be raped again by my fiancé-at-the-time at 19, a big thing for me has been isolation and feeling alone. I dropped out of college at one point, worked at mcds, and felt totally alone. Now, I'm back in college with a great gpa, have a boyfriend I can trust (as he is the one who literally drove me away after the fiancé....incident) and am back on track. But reading these comments helps yet some more to feel less alone. Not that I'm happy that others have suffered! Simply, others have survived!
And I hope those who are still really recovering read things like this hub and see other survivor stories and find their own way.
Thanks.
PS Shout out to Vagina Monologues and everything the stop the violence movement represents!
Having recently been raped while walking home after a party after deciding to go home and write up my report (at university) I walked past a group of five lads they yelled stuff at me, and just answered back in your dreams...
One circled back and grabbed me.
I went home sat in a shower fully clothed and cried. I didnt tell the police, I told no-one I tried to get on with my life. Today two months on... I've discovered im pregant and it's his.. I am now completely lost..
Christina,
Thank you soooo much for sharing your story. It mixes the worst of the worst with a really happy outcome. I'm so glad to read you are not isolating anymore.
I have found (as have others) that we cannot and should not share our experience with everyone we meet. It's an invitation to disappointment and further isolation. But we are happily surprised when we find other women (and men) who really can and want to support us.
Glad you've got things on track in your life. Continue to be gentle with yourself and if/when any flashbacks occur, know that they are all part of the healing process.
Tessa,
I'm so very, very sorry to hear your story.
Your reaction of sitting in the shower fully clothed and crying is so vivid. I can feel the tears mixed with hot, scalding water. There is nothing like the dirtiness of being sexually violated.
Right now you are experiencing the double shock of finding out you are pregnant. Wow.
The good news there (if you can call it that) is that you have DNA evidence of your attacker. And at 2 months after-the-fact it is NOT too late to press charges.
If the perpetrator is a university student that should make it easier to find him.
As to what to do about the pregnancy, I know you will do what's right for you. Don't make any decisions till you are able to calm down and think.
All the best to you. Will you keep us posted?
Blessings, MM
This site is amazing. And so much of what people are saying is so true! - You're amazing, MM, for keeping this going. You're helping so many people!
What really empowed me (and then I went to the police), after over 10 years is that I sat down and read the legal definitions of rape. Once you read that, it doesn't matter that you can't figure out why it happened or what you could have done to stop it.
It left me feeling so weirdly calm. Because - whatever excuses you find for what happened, you can't take away that it fits that definition.
So I guess I'm trying to say 2 things:
first, if you're struggling to come to terms with this, maybe it'd help for you to read what the law says - as it shows that this is something that is almost universally believed to be WRONG!
and second, whatever different experiences, or blame, or whatever, if it fits those definitions, then that's what it is.
Anyway, so that's my contribution to this discussion. I hope it's useful to someone...
:-)
Ps: can anyone advise some reading?
Does anyone know of anywhere which tells from a man's perspective why he did it? online? literature? All i've found (apart from very hurtful websites) so far is 'Inexcusable' by Chris Lynch.
On one level, it is helpful to hear someone say, and mean it: 'it wasn't your fault' - but on another, if it wasn't, then why did it happen?
Hello imstillhere2012. So glad you added your voice to the chorus. You raise a really important point. There IS a legal definition of rape and that is the framework for investigation, prosecution and punishment.
Sounds like you had a powerful revelation when you read it and it spurred you to take action. Hooray!
As to your second post and rape from the man's perspective, I'm curious as to why you feel that would help you? Rapists are sick individuals clearly not in touch with their feelings or motives.
Some helpful reading might be the definition of a sociopath -- a person lacking empathy who believes the rules of society do not apply to them. In other words, they operate "above the law." It is a mental illness. The person who did this to you is a SICK PUPPY.
Sick people do sick things. They feel pain on a level they simply cannot touch or fix on their own, so they take it out on those around them.
I will post a link here for you.
Good luck with your case. Please keep us posted! MM
Hi MM!
Thanks for your reply. And yes, it is incredible to suddenly realise that what happened WAS something with a definition. Maybe it's nuts, but I hadn't let myself think about it properly, and it really took sitting down and reading the legal definition to finally understand that.
The way my mind works is I like things to be quite logical - to be able to work out why this or that happened. But this just doesn't sense. If I let myself think about it, I spend ages trying to work out why he did that, and why I just let it happen (the first time was unambiguously non-consensual, but after that, why didn't I tell someone?). I seem to go round and round. I thought if I could hear what makes people do it, I could begin to understand why.
Maybe my reactions are all wrong. After I first went to the police station, I came home and suddenly fell apart. I was worried what I might do, so I finally messaged a friend who knew nothing about all this, and we spoke on the phone, and I just said it: that I just reported a rape - as the victim - and my friend (who is religious) replied by saying that this is a crime that someone should die for. I was horrified - I just want to understand why.
I wasn't going to write so much - but maybe someone else is thinking like this, so I figured it might help?!
Also, from looking up definitions of sociopath, I'm left wondering:
- can someone who is a well-respected member of the community be a sociopath?
- if it really is because he was sick, then does that mean there are others like me, since, while i've said nothing? - other comments above mention this, but that is really just too awful to imagine.
Hello imstillhere. It's pretty hard to make sense of something that makes no sense. It's illogical to the max.
The problem with trying to figure out the "why" is we drive OURSELVES insane and plant self-doubt that can be crippling. Like my own rape. I could not understand why I didn't do something to stop what happened to me from happening to my friend in the other room. Why I didn't rush in and tackle him or something. The kinds WOMAN police officer supplied the answer. "You were paralyzed with FEAR." There is no standard reaction to a rape. Everyone responds in their own way. You simply can't prepare for something you don't know if/when/where might (or might not) happen and who might perpetrate it.
I'm so sorry your friend had the reaction s/he did. Yes, it's a crime. No, death is typically NOT a punishment handed out to rapists (whether it should be is subject for another debate).
As I've said and others have echoed, it's tricky sharing this uber personal experience with others. You can end up feeling worse than before you told them.
My pat answer is always get rape counseling. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but honestly, it does help. There is nothing more therapeutic than bouncing off the seemingly incomprehensible set of emotions with someone who's been there and understands.
Good luck to you. Please do keep us posted on how you're doing. MM
Thanks MM. I'm glad counselling has helped you. You and the other women on this site are so inspiring. Today I booked counselling.
If anyone keeps putting it off - I thought booking would be some big thing, but it wasn't at all. And it's not like booking means you have to go. If I go through with it, it starts in January.
Anyway, it wasn't a big thing here, in the UK. Of course, I don't know what what is the process elsewhere. I don't want to mislead someone.
Hi imstillhere,
So glad to hear you moving forward.
THe biggest thing is something you have already identified! It's not signing up, it's GOING and keeping an open mind. It's so easy to want to go back into denial.
I hope you get a great counselor. Don't expect immediate complete relief, but it's important to talk your experience through with an expert.
Good luck!
MM
Hi, I don't know if you remember me, but I commented about a week ago. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. I know I'm not the only one out there like this, but sometimes I feel like it, and it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone. I went to a woman's health center and started meeting with a councilor there. It's awkward and hard, but I promised myself I'd try to get better, and I think it's working. I gained three pounds, I know it's not much, and I'm scared all the time, but I do want to get better. If you don't mind, I'd like to come back here every once and a while to check in, so maybe someone will know that I'm getting better? So that I'm not just getting better for myself, but for others? If not, that's alright, but I think I'd like someone else to know. Thanks again.
Beth.
Beth, you are amazing. Thank you so much for telling about the steps you've taken in moving forward from what happened and from anaorexia.
that came from me, by the way.
Hi Beth,
I think you have your answer already! This hub has taken on a life of its own with women giving each other incredible support and encouragement. Your willingness to check in is huge. The isolation and feeling like you are the only one in the world experiencing this horror compound the initial trauma. Healing/helping/healing/helping -- a healthy alternative to victimhood.
It's not a linear process and there are breakthroughs and setbacks ahead of you. But the same can be said of LIFE. So good luck to you and all the brave women (and loving, supportive men who comment here). To paraphrase a wonderful resource who has been sharing here: WE'RE STILL HERE! MM
Thank you.
I see alot of women. but no service members like men.
Hi MM, this is Joyce. Im not sure if you remember me, but I commented a few weeks ago about the gang rape by the military men. I sorta have a problem.. my human sexuality class that kept reminding me of the rape is now over. Semester ended a few weeks ago, and I have been doing perfectly fine repressing the feelings. No problem whatsoever. However, the main guy who did this to me and allowed it to happen (the man I used to date), has been texting me for the last 2 weeks. And this is the first time I've heard from him since the rape happened several months ago. He's not saying anything disrespectful, he's actually being very polite and wanting to see if Im doing ok. But it really bothers me to see his number on my phone (and I dont want to go thru the hassle of changing my number, because I've had if for several years). But my birthday is coming up soon, so its almost been exactly one year since the rape. He has been texting me for the last 2 weeks, checking on me, and wishing me happy holidays. He wished me Merry Christmas yesterday... but everytime i see his number on my phone, it reminds me of the rape all over again. And I'm almost certain that he has no idea that I realized what happened that night (since I was unconscious), so this is why he probably feels safe contacting me. But I dont know what to do. Lately, I've just been ignoring all his messages. I dont know what to say to him. I really wanna get his side of the story of exactly what happen that night, but Im way to embarrassed to even bring it up with him. Besides, I know he's probably just gonna play dumb, and pretend like nothing happened, and that he dosent know what I'm talking about. So I dont know what I should do. I just really hope he stops texting me. Is its normal for rapist to show concern for their victims, even several months after the incident?
Hi Joyce,
Is it normal for a rapist to show concern for their victims even several months after the incident? The short answer to that is NO. He is not showing concern. He is trying to manipulate you.
You answered your own question. He feels safe because he thinks you don't know what happened.
And you're absolutely right he will not be honest with you if you do confront him about that night. He has no reason to be honest with you. Unless it's GUILT that is motivating his sudden interest in reconnecting with you.
I know you've worked really hard at repressing your memories and feelings. But they've come out through your human sexuality class. And now this man is bringing them out even more. Hmmm. Do you think maybe it's time to stop repressing them and work through the horror that was inflicted on you so you can actually heal? I think these are not coincidental things. The universe is telling you it's time to face your demons and rage and scream and get it all OUT so you can truly move on.
I am sure some of the strong women who frequent this hub will chime in here.
My personal suggestion to you is to seek out professional rape counseling. I am not a professional -- just another woman who lived through rape and reclaimed her life. A rape counselor can safely walk you through the different scenarios of "what if...." to get you to the right course of action for you.
I can say I totally understand how disconcerting yet seductive these texts are. I understand how you are disturbed to see his number come up and yet so drawn to wanting to know more... and to confront him with what you know. Letting him know that you know is empowering on one level, but may end up with you being revictimized if/when he turns it all back around on you. And that could easily happen.
I don't want to advise you in the wrong direction here.
But hope others have some ideas.
MM
P.S. Are you still dating the sheriff?
Hi MM, once again.. thanks for the quick feedback! And yes I understand that I should tell someone and seek counseling. But its incredibly difficult to even attempt to speak about this to others. I still haven't told anybody.. and I really dont plan on telling anybody anytime soon. I might tell somebody a few years from now. The main thing that keeps me from telling someone is the embarrassment. I believe I feel more embarrassment than anger, as this is the most embarrassing thing thats ever happened to me (especially since it was several men). So I dont know when i'll ever get the courage to speak of it. But for now, I just want him to stop texting me. And yes, your right.. now that he's texting me, I really want to confront him, but he will most likely just trun it back around on me, and probably try to lie and say that I asked for it or something. I know its been several months.. but its still very hard to believe that he allowed this to happen to me. I mean, we were dating for 8 months, and I was really falling for him. So I wouldn't be surprised if he's contacting me out of guilt... He should feel very guilty. But I wonder why would he still try to manipulate me? What good would that do when whats done is done? I just dont know how to get the courage to actually speak out on this. It almost feels like that would be even more painful and embarrasing than the actual rape itself.
And unfortunately, me and the sheriff are not on good terms right now. Him and I have been dating for almost a year (about 9months). We met literally like 3 weeks after the rape. I really really like him, but its been incredibly hard for me to open up to him over the past 9 months.. Im just very closed around him and its hard to express myself. I've always been a closed, introverted person even before the rape... but now its just way worst. So we had a big argument about me not being able to open up to him, he thinks Im not trying... But in reality, I've been trying so hard and doing everything I can. I didn't want to accept this at first, but the rape has made it even more difficult to be intimate with a man (and Im now just accepting that after several months after the rape). So I dont know what to do. And he's clueless on what happen to me. And now that he's angry with me and we're not really talking, I feel even more reluctant to tell him, because he's probably just gonna think Im making excuses to explain my behavior. Either that, or he would try and make me report it. So now I really feel terrible.. he's the first man that I feel like I love, and can trust.. and now he might be gone forever. So i dont know what to do. Im fine dealing with this on my own, but everytime I even think about telling someone, all my strength and control just goes out the window. This has been a really hard year for me.. Im so glad its almost over. But I have a bad feeling that this pain and embarrassment will still be here for many years to come :-(
Hi Joyce,
It pains me so much to see the after-effects this man and his lowlife pals still have on your life. All you need to do is reread your post above to see that trying to control this is futile. It will keep popping up and out in the weirdest ways. Now it is ruining your relationship.
I will say this again because maybe one of these times it will sink in. The ONLY way to get past your embarrassment is to reframe this experience. Which you cannot easily do on your own. You're too stuck. That's understandable. A good rape counselor can help you empower yourself so you believe -- for real -- you did nothing wrong and that includes not reporting the rape. Ok. Let's move on and have the happy life and relationship you deserve.
A good counselor will give you tips on how to open up with your man. Whether it's the sheriff or someone else.
But thinking you can just lock this trauma deep inside you is going to keep you sick. It IS keeping you sick.
And I hate to see that.
I've been thinking about this guy who let his friends do this to you. What kind of man does that? What kind of man then walks away while his girlfriend reels for months. And then, when he thinks the coast is clear, he tries to cozy back up to you? No way. That is soooo sick.
I am not in favor of any kind of in-person contact with this guy. However, I am totally behind letting him know in no uncertain (and biting, unsparing, totally cold) terms that you know what happened. I have a few choice questions for him myself.
I would probably start out with, "Wow. I'm really surprised the cops haven't picked up up already." Or
"You know, my birthday's coming up. I sure hope you and your friends are planning a party for me like last year's. That was soooo special. I still think about that every day. I bet they do, too. It was probably the last sex any of them have had since then. Losers."
Yep. I wouldn't spare his feelings.
But I'd only do it via text where you can abruptly stop reading or writing when YOU decide you've had enough.
Just spew at him and don't even read his responses.
Seriously. Unload.
And you might even casually mention you are dating a SHERIFF. Heck, maybe you could even make him crap his pants!!
I hope you sort this all out, Joyce.
Keep us posted. We are here for you. Always. MM
Hahaa! Wow MM! Those are some good choice questions! ...especially the "you know my birthdays coming up soon...", that one is brilliant.. I think Im going to use that one! I love the sarcasm Lol. Thanks! Now I just need to get the courage to text him. Its so hard, because I want nothing to do with him, but yet, I wanna know what exactly happend. And I guess your right.. maybe I will seek a rape counselor, but only so I can get tips on how to tell my partner. That will be the main reason for my visit. But as far as telling her (or him) what happen, and going into detail on how I feel, I don't know if I can do that. I swear, I feel like Im being raped all over again just talking about it. But I will try to get help, maybe I will check with my university to see what services they have.
I can't believe it took me this long to realize what I feel. Im slowly starting to realize, and accept the fact that Im not the same with men since the rape.. Im completely fine with men on a friendship or professional level. But once it starts getting personal and/or intimate, that's where the cookies crumbles.. I have a hard time expressing myself, I get nervous if he gets too close, and sometimes its so bad till I might get startled or even flinch if he quicky touches me off gaurd. And I hate being like this, because I know this kinda behavior of mines just pushes him away, makes him lose hope in me, and makes me look like a weirdo. And I haven't even had sex since the rape.. so Im almost terrified to know the outcome of that.
It took me 10 months to realize I had all these feelings! Im doing everything I can to keep living a normal life.. but I guess I can't keep lying to myself in the process. But I will seek the rape counselor. If its too hard and embarrassing for me to talk to her and be honest with her, then maybe I will just tell her that I need advice for my "friend" who was gang raped. That's a start.
Wow, Joyce! That is HUGE! I'm really so proud of you for acknowledging that you do have feelings about this. Of course you do. But it's very natural for us to underplay it and try to live in long-term denial. That works for a little while, but leaves us vulnerable (as you have found).
It will be really healthy for you -- when you feel comfortable -- to say the words out loud to someone. It's important that the person you say them to is completely safe and trustworthy. That is why I agree with your not telling your sheriff dude quite yet. Even the most loving and supportive people can react in weird ways that end up making us feel worse instead of better.
The trick for you now is to start to reclaim YOUR life. A year is a long time for a young woman not to engage in sex. It's not right that you're still experiencing what sounds like PTSD reactions with men. Those goons can't own you forever! F them, I say!
But you know what? You have already come a long way in your journey to healing. Do you recognize that? Even from when you first started posting here.
I have a new friend here on HP that I would love for you to go check out. She has done a ton of rape counseling (free) and I bet has some great ideas for you.
Her name is anjegirl. Go read her hub (you'll understand why when you read it). She's definitely someone who can relate to your trauma and I believe would welcome the opportunity to offer her two cents as I've been privileged to offer mine.
Not shoving you off on her -- hope you don't think that! Just another fab resource here on my favorite writing community on the planet, Hub Pages!
Please do keep me posted on all your endeavors.
If you want more dripping with sarcasm texts for the bozo guy, I'm always happy to help. I keep my pen sharp and my tongue sharper. LOL. MM
Yes! Its almost like you cant hide and live in denial for long. The truth will haunt you sooner or later. It was so easy for me to just jump into the relationship with the sheriff only 3 weeks after the rape, because I was totally in denial. I was so much in denial till I even successfully convinced myself that it never happened. Now after 10 months, these feelings are starting to pop up, and its ruining my relationship. And yes, I know Im very strong, and I have already come a long way. I feel I'm incredibly strong in every aspect, EXCEPT speaking out loud about it to someone. Telling someone out loud makes me feel so weak till I feel like I just wanna melt. Until now, I never once knew how just even talking about a certain subject could be so emotionally challenging.
And I feel so stuck in my relationship, because I really want to be open and honest with him and tell him what happen, but like you said...even the people who love us don't always take the information and react in the best way. So that's something I will have to figure out on my own very soon. And yes, A year without sex is a long time. But I lost my sex drive for like the first 6 months after the rape. But being in a loving, trusting relationship greatly increased my libido and brought it back. However, now its just hard to actually apply my sex drive to my relationship.. its like I really really want it, but I'm just afraid to have it (I know sounds weird). But maybe those feelings will go away after the first time having sex again...I really hope they do.
And thanks! I will check out Anjegirl. You have been a humongous help.. but I would still like advice, and different opinions from others...so I will be sure to check her out as soon as possible. And don't worry, I will definitely let you know if I need more sarcasm text Lol. Thanks.
Mighty Mom,
You Rock and God has a very special address for you very close to His house===but for now keep lovin my favorite state, Cali and keep encouraging these sweet angels who have been pouring their hearts out to you and each other in an effort to find the peace that you and I and many others have truly found for our lives after rape.
I only have a minute to talk here, but I want to tell DD that I want you to check out my newly republished (long story) hub on rape and abortion and I want to tell you and anyone else here that I do rape counseling for free.
In addition, I want to tell DD that I have been working with prosecutors,defense lawyers and DA's all over the country and going to court with rape victims and I will help you and get involved in this if you want me to.
Truly this is the worst situation ever but most women prevail in these cases strictly based on how and who handles them. I would like you to find out or I can how your state handles rape depositions, filings and testimony. In many states today you are allowed to do your testimony and cross examination and all depositions by video and you may never have to face your rapist or testify in open court. You can maybe find this on RAINN or maybe under rape testimony in your states laws online or by going onto a free legal aid website in your state.
In any event you may not have to face your biggest fears and know this that "cops" are easier to prosecute than a train engineer or a painter or anybody else, because other cops will not stand behind a guy who does this.
Has the DA received this guys "duty" file and have you seen it? That would show whether or not other women have made similar complaints against this sick SOB.
Has your story been in the news, online locally or at all? I promise you he has done this before and probably since. It only takes one person to start a downhill snowball like we just saw with Penn State and the late great Catholic Church,oh,no,wait,they're still here.
Is this guy on suspension pending trial or what? Have you met with a defense lawyer? I have a million questions. Hub pages crashed my emailing capabilites. Joyce and I have sent a bunch of emails back and forth since HP unpublished my site at noon on thursday and when they republished at 4:30 yesterday they did not hook up my email again and Joyce and I cannot email each other. Late last nite I put my email address on my hub so go there and get it and email me "outside" of hub pages if you want and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
I have been to court with lots of people and if we can swing it I will go to court with you, if not I can help you now to get prepared and alleviate some of your anxiety about going and make sure you don't experience any surprises between now and then and try to make this as seemless as this process should be for the freakin' victim. Cops hate rapists even more than prisoners hate pedophiles and although this is painful and extremely intimidating,it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be.
Most judges and jurors know that unless monetary gain is at the root of the rape charges that most women would never take a case to court against an on duty cop unless she was indeed raped!!!!! But like every case in court it is all in the lawyering and I can make sure that you get the best lawyering that the DA will supply so he can prosecute this monster. Which reminds me the Drew Pederson story is coming on lifetime network in a few days. Sick pig.
Do you live in the town or county where the rape occurred and are you being harrassed in any way by any cops, sheriffs, troopers etc. If not and I am pretty sure you will tell me you have not been, because we aren't livin' in the Wild Wild West anymore at least in most of America. Unless sick stuff like that has happened to you,then congratulations you are still livin' in the free world---well semi-free.
Have you seen a personal or professional witness list? Are other cops preparing to testify to his character? You should be able to get that from the DA's office or from the attorneys prosecuting the case.
I highly recommend a Civil Suit against the department where he was raping women, but "when" you file that is best left to the recommendation of the prosecuting atty. He or hopefully and usually a she will know in your state and town whether or not it is best to file now, as you are going to trial or in some cases after a verdict is reached in the criminal trial. Not only are state laws different regarding this but local prosecutors know from past experience when to file a civil suit and you will.
You didn't say, did they still do a rape kit even though it was the next day? YOu can email me this if you don't want the whole world to know. Please write down these questions for both of us and we will work on answers you don't have beginning now. And anyone else who would like my help with a court case, please do the same.
In the meantime I want everyone who reads this and who has been raped to do one thing for me and for you and pay attention there will be questions at the end. Just kidding---I do that a lot, but if you are so inclined after you have done this one thing, email me and tell me what happened---there are no right or wrong answers
Whether you remember your rape or were given a date rape drug or blacked out from alchohol and do not remember does not affect this exercise. Joyce, baby, I am talking to you---
Get out a notebook with lots of paper and a pen---I know this is old school, but you cannot do this on a computor. We have used rolls and rolls of butcher paper (white works best) and your local butcher should sell it to you cheap in a back yard with a big bucket of paint or lots of small buckets of different colors of paint---anyway, you get the idea and I want you to spend at least four hours minimum or an hour for every hour you were raped and begin a list of every word that comes into your beautiful mind when you are forced to think about your rape. Even if you do not remember the actual incident, you will find lots and lots of words to use to describe how you FEEL about your rape. You must keep this list accessible for one week---not 5 days and not 8 days---this a 7 day technique. Every time you think of another word write it down immediately and try not to repeat your words but if you do, there won't be points deducted. Just write and let the words flow and you might want to give yourself a couple of hours in your first sitting.
On the 7th day whether you have been writing on butcher paper, notebook paper or lots of one dollar shower curtain liners on the ground in your yard with spray paint cans, I want you to first tear up or cut up your words or use a shredder, whatever you prefer and after you have done this,I want you to burn the torn and cut up pieces and tell me or one other person exactly what reaction you had to doing this---that's all---end of assignment.
I will post more helpful tips for overcoming rape on my hub by monday nite for sure.
Much love to all and Joyce, I got you!!!!!
Analise
Anjegirl:
I will try the exercise, and I will email you the results. Thank you!
No problem happy new year
To Mighty Mom: This is a very poignant hub. Rape is a horrific crime of violence which has profound psychosocial effects on the victim. I have read a book by Susan Brownmiller, AGAINST HER WILL, detailing the intense, psychological aftereffects of rape. You have made excellent points in this hub. I cried when I read your horrific experience regarding this subject.
As a feminist, this culture of machismo and the boys will be boys mentality often result in an utter disregard and disrespect of women. Even though the culture has progressed regarding equal rights between the sexes, subconsciously women are still viewed as second class citizens. This, too, create a rape culture.
Rape is a horrific crime of violence against women. Boys and girls must be educated regarding sexual equality. As long as women are still viewed as second class and subordinate citizens, they will be treated with disrespect and they will be seen as preys of all kinds of abuse including rape.
Thank you to my new friend, gmwilliams, strong and strident marcher for women's rights. Good point I should put a link to Against Her Will on this site.
One day I had a brain fart. I thought to myself, "What if we simply don't value chastity or virtue or our sexuality? Men can't steal what does not have value." My thought was that we would train women to be impervious to sexual assault. That they would mentally not let it mean anything to them. I guess kind of like how soldiers are trained for combat.
Of course, as soon as I thought the thought I realized how utterly ridiculous and impractical it is. Our sexuality is precious!
And training doesn't do anything to reduce the trauma. Look at all our servicewomen (and men) getting raped in the military. These are tough people and it's still a horrific crime.
So I agree with you the better solution is to educate EVERYONE about equality. Take away the culture that enables rape.
And for GOD'S sake, stop aberrant thinking about a woman's role. Women are not incubators for anyone's spawn. (not so subtle reference to the crazy forum where you and I met, gmwilliams).
Wishing you peace and serenity in 2012. MM
I was raped last having an affair,went on a full blown rampage and wrecked my entire family. i had an affair, my husband was recovering from a series of heart attacks. I had an affair for just over a month but have managed to destroy my husband. I was sexually active before meeting my husband and had many sexual partners I found it easier to deal with sleeping with a man I hardly knew. I had built up this ficticious woman that was strong. My husband has since left me over the affair as he beleives that women become introverted after being raped. Until my husband left we had a good sex life,he but I have destroyed him by running to another man for sex, He says that I must have loved this man but I didnt I was using him but the things I did to this other man sexually (according) to my husband were not the action of a rape victim nor a coping strategy. Now nine months on I still havent dealt with being raped .. my husband says I am just a cheating whore who had an affair because she no longer loved her husband but this was never the case I still love him now if not more than ever before.
Hi samantha,
I can relate to what you are saying very well. I get that you couldn't cope with your husband's illness and the affair was a coping mechanism that meant little to you but a lot to your husband. That's the problem when two people attach different meanings/values to sex.
Of course I can also see how your actions hurt your husband and his pride. That is not how he would react if roles were reversed. He is angry. You can hear that in his words "cheating whore" but also doesn't understand that love (for this other guy) had nothing to do with it.
As the comments above show, some women become introverted and turn away from sex after rape. Others go on sex sprees trying to regain control over their sexuality.
I am really sorry things are so messed up for you. I do hope that your husband will be able to forgive you and you will be able to forgive yourself!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I know your words will help others. MM
Thanks for you reply I take some comfort in knowing that someone understands. I know he is hurt and angry but I dont know how to help him. I have now decided its time to help myself deal with all my issues over being raped, having an affair and turning into "not a very nice person" for a short time.
We had before my rape the same values when it came to sex .. that it was a sacred act between two loving people, when we got together he taught me those values well and I always upheld them .. after the rape something was gone from inside me and unfortunately my value of sex was one of them .. my view is .. if sex has no value then my ordeal wasnt that bad ... its has taken me months to understand why I have cheated, lied and deceived those that I love but I think I am finally coming to terms with it and am ready to deal with the aftermath of my rampage and rape.
I know I am a stronger person although I have tried to take my life several times since this trauma began but I now understand that although what I have done to my family is unforgiveable I know that I am still a human being with feelings and emotions and I am worth something .. maybe not to my family anymore .. but I owe it to myself not to allow my rapist to take ME from ME anymore. I am me and one day when I have finished dealing with all the issues that have arisen from what that man did to me I will rise again and be the person that I was before only better, stronger and wiser. Your pages have been my only hope and it has taken sometime for me to post and admit what happened to me. I have tried denying it to myself continuously and tried beleiving that I am just a cheat who doesnt love her husband but it doesnt work .. so I guess its time to face up to the fact ... I was raped and it wasnt my fault. Oh how I have blame myself over and over for what happened .. the worst of it is I blame my husband too and everything that we did sexually I compared it to that of my rapist. My husband is a good man and I love him so much and I am so sorry for what I have done to him and our family. Its time to seek help .. thank you x
Hi samantha,
Glad to see you back here. I like your spirit. Your rapist cannot take YOU from YOU unless you allow it!!
This may sound like psychobabble, but consider this. If you kill yourself, who wins? A scumbag who won't even know he had that amount of power. You gonna let that arsehole literally take you from you? HELL NO!!!
But I know it's difficult to sit with the wreckage. Gotta work through it and forgive yourself! You do have a lot of reclaiming to do. Reconciling your actions with the consequences. I will give you my standard MM line: GET HELP. Get counseling to help you put into perspective what you did, why you did it, and how you can heal and move on. You, samantha.
You DO deserve to be forgiven by your family, but it may be too soon. Once you have done your own inner healing work, it is tremendously freeing to make a genuine amends. An amends is not just saying "I'm sorry" but accepting full responsibility for your actions and the pain they caused without any mention of whatever your husband may have done (or not done) to contribute to your bad behavior. And also having no expectation of forgiveness or even acceptance of your amends -- just get the yucky stuff out of YOU.
Time has a way of healing even the worst hurts.
We have a similar example in my family. As furious and hurt as the husband was when the wife not only cheated on him but left him for the other man and lived around the corner, eventually they found their way back to each other. They are reconciled now. So it can happen!
Best of luck to you and to your husband.
MM
Samantha
I do rape counseling for free and if you read some of my posts and comments on my hub page you will see that I was raped twice and ran a rape crisis center from my home for a decade and I have helped hundreds of girls and women to get through this thing and truly move on. I use the same technics with them all and if you are willing to do the work, you can truly be healed like me and MM and many other older women who have been there and moved on. I began to work with JOYCE818 who posted just above you only a few days ago. She is coming up rapidly to her next birthday which will be the first year anniversary of her rape. She is working hard and facing her demons and knows she is on a path to healing and I am there for every moment of her pain. Send me an email if you want my help. Much love to you and I am praying for your healing.
Analise
Analise i dont know if you could help me many counselliours have tried and failed but if you are willin to try i would appreciate it i dnt know how to get ppls email address on this page
My email address is earthangel52@rocketmail.com and yes I will offer my help.
Thanks anjegirl ive sent u a email
berttron---I have not received an email from you---still having problems with hubpages emailing and they have not acknowledged the problem and haven't fixed it---go outside of hubpages and email me.
Anjegirl i didnt use the hub email i sent it from footieberta@yahoo.com
I just tried to email you using your email and it did not go through. Joyce818 is emailing me two or three times a day as are about 30 other people and I am not hearing from anyone that they are having a problem. Open up a new account with hot mail or some other email ppl. and try again. Please test it first and see if it goes through and then email me your entire story with all the details and we will proceed from there. Joyce818 has been using my technics for a week and is doing amazingly in her recovery already in spite of the fact that she works full time and is getting her BA in college full time. So try that. much love analise
Dear anyone on here that can help me....I was raped on a college campus in Texas on September 18, 2011 at a small "get together" (not suppose to be a party..."hey come watch movies with us")....I was pushed into a room by two guys and a girl. The guys were my "friend's" roommate, and the girl was a lesbian. My story is pretty messed up to say the least....The girl was drunk, as were the two guys...I was held down by all three at first and the guys made the other girl advance on me. I am a very strong person for a female...I am blonde headed with bright blue eyes and a 25" waist....140lb....so I am pretty muscular. I completely froze up and couldn't scream...everything I was witnessing scared me so badly, I didn't know what to think. At one point in time when I started getting very angry the two guys held me and one continued to penetrate me. I was on my period and my tampon was ripped out of my body. To say the very least, I was so terrified I thought I was dying. When I screamed and cried out the guy that was hurting me laughed in my face. The other girl involved seemed okay with what was going on until the other guy held her down and began raping her as well. I was pushed into the corner of the bed and wall with my legs up in the air trapped. All I remember was this guy....this evil person was hurting me. All I can think about now is how much I hate this immature, idiotic guy. This guy thought he was some kind of hot shot....thought he could do to me what seemed like he had done in the past. The other girl began fighting off the other guy and as my rapist stopped raping me to try to grab her I got away from him and flipped on the light. They were wrestling with her as I attempted to pull what clothes I could on. I ran out of the room, leaving her behind. I did not care for this girl that had hurt me. I hated her just as much.
I ran home that night and tried to contemplate what had happened to me. I could not figure out what had happened. That happened on a Sunday at around 3am. I hate myself for what happened. I tried to leave, but obviously I could not listen to my gut feeling to leave. I called my parents on Monday and of course my dad answered the phone. I didn't know what to say to him....when I told him, he had to give the phone to my stepmom. I told her what had happened and they immediately drove to see me that night. I told them what had happened and I felt that they either didn't or couldn't believe what had happened to me. My stepmom was very angry with me. They called me an idiot and said I should have never been with those people. The funny thing is that when I ran out of that room that night, there were 5 others in the living room. The music was playing so loud they couldn't hear us scream. I couldn't put all of the pieces together and I was and still am so angry at myself. I didn't go to the police until that Wednesday. I tried to remember all that I could about that other girl and went and found her on campus. She was surprised to see me when I got there and I told her that we needed to go to the police. She said she felt she was drugged that night and did not know everything that happened but asked if we were really raped or if she was dreaming it. I was completely sober that night, she was supposedly given a date-rape drug, though I still have my doubts. We went to the police and the rape kit was horrible. They put us (her and me) together in a hotel room for 4 days alone and watched my hotel security and the lady at the front desk. After they got a search warrant on the two guys, the guy that raped me said he was going to come and find me and kill me.
To this day, almost 4 months later, I am becoming more depressed it seems. I am overanalyzing things. I got a boyfriend shortly after the rape. Sex seemed so dirty to me until I remembered that you have sex with people that you love and care about. Something that I have always seen as romantic and sensational and loving turned to something I believed to be dirty and I wanted to hate it. When I found the guy I am still with today....I have tried to let myself forget about the rape when we make love. I have of course had moments where I have freaked out so bad (just from being frightened in my own mind) and almost karate kicked my boyfriend about 3 times. I have left some stuff out....but as of tonight I started overanalyzing things again. I started smoking over this past summer....I am almost 20 years old and I have been trying to quit. My boyfriend hates that I smoke, but after the rape it seemed like something I could do that would make me not think about things so badly....kept me "sane" but not really. I have been feeling like I am going to lose my mind thinking about this upcoming court date that could possibly take place. I had a school court date already at my college and had to sit in the same room with the two guys I hated most and the female that ended up on my side sitting right next to me. They MOVED HER IN WITH ME AFTER THAT to help her feel "safe" and to "cope".....little did they know how I FELT!! I have never been one to hate someone or to be so angry....I have always been very Godly and always had faith...lately I have not talked to God as much and have been getting very angry...smoking is starting to slip away and I feel depressed sometimes like I might not make that day. I had two jobs since then...the one I had before and then one after...I messed both of those up and I blame myself for being such a disappointment. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I am not suicidal by any means. I love my family and my boyfriend too much to ruin their lives because they care about me....I could never hurt them, because the desire to hurt myself is not anywhere as close to hurting them. I just hate my life sometimes. I am disappointed in myself most and make myself angry at myself because I never dreamed of being this big of a disappointment. I have full academic scholarships to college.....This was not suppose to happen to me...I never thought it would and I wish I could get past it. That girl one time told me that she forgave those two guys....I got into a fight with her gf one time and she told me that me apologizing to her gf meant more to her than the rape. I was so pissed at her I wanted to literally beat the crap out of her. I have never been that way. Please help me understand myself. I don't want to put my family and boyfriend through this anymore. That dirty girl went back to Georgia, and my life is so much better without her here. I hated her for what she did to me that night, willingly or not, and I hated her for what she put me through living with me. Please help. I need to understand myself, please.
Also I won the school court date against these guys and I need info about going to court and facing him. It is just my rapist and me now. The other guy was a German exchange student and was sent back to Germany. The girl, moved to Georgia....So now just my rapist and me in court. I don't know what to say or what to do about him. If I win that, will he get prison or just probation. I am terrified out of my mind right now about it!!
Blondie
Are you still there------yes, I can and will help you---go to my website or email me at earthangel52@rocketmail.com and I will email you my phone number if you need to talk right now. I have heard a million stories all of them different from the last one but it sounds like Texas just keeps on victimizing you and I am shocked at how your parents reacted and just email me and you can call me now. The picture is not me but my niece and I am 59 and have been raped two times and have been doing rape counseling and going to court and advocating for victims for four decades. So go to my hubpage and email me or not. Analise Roberts
Blonde
i am the same age as you i just turned 20 i was 16 when i was assaulted mine was by my uncle it took three years to get him to court first time the jury couldnt decided second time he was found not guilty after he turned up court drunk and then tried to od jury didnt no any of this
going to court is the hardest thing to do i was put under child protection due to my age when the incidant took place i gave mye evidance by video link and locked up the rest of the time i felt more like i was in the wronng to wa h e got walk free in court just look at the judge or the jury n ignore him i no thts hard but stay strong
Anje i tried my hotmail account and it failed to send ill try again
Note to all:
I am really glad you are hooking up to get help and anjegirl, really glad you are offering help to these incredible women.
Could you please do your communication via anjegirl's hub instead of mine, however? It makes no sense to be leaving private comments back and forth here. Anjegirl has at least one hub on rape so go there and talk privately.
Thanks, MM
I know that being sexually violated is very depressing, but drugs and alcohol is Not the answer. Drugs only controls the problem temporarily, but the problem still remains. And suicide is Definitely Not the answer! ...If your already planning on making suicide a choice, then right before you kill yourself, you might as well just pay a visit to your rapist, and hand him a goal metal for allowing him to have that kinda control over your life! I believe real therapy is needed if a victim truly expects to heal. And I strongly believe healing is possible with the right counselor/therapist, and with enough determination on your behalf.
Yes, I advise that you get help. I've been getting help from Anjegirl and she's amazing!! She's only been counseling me (via phone and email) for one week, and I've already improved tremendously. I was gang raped last year on my 25th birthday, and for several months, I could not talk about this to anyone. Nobody. But Anjegirl has been spending time helping me, and yesterday, for the first time since my rape, I was able to tell one person who was close to me (my best freind) about what happen to me. I couldn't believe I actually got the words out to someone (although it was still too painful to talk in person, so I sent my friend a super long email instead--Im sure she still got the hint just as good). But I felt so good to finally get it out. And I know this probably sounds very trivial or unimportant to most people, but this was a huge step for me.. Because for several months, I was so embarrassed and emotionally damaged, till I couldnt get not one word out to anybody.. I was totally mute about it, and it was seriously eating me up inside. So Im just amazed that Anjegirl gave me that push to open up only after one week of counseling. I didnt even believe the counseling would work when I first started it, but Im so glad I gave it a chance. Im still hurt and depressed about my rape, but at least I feel a lot better than before. Once again, thanks Angiegirl!!
Hi MM, Sorry.. just read your last comment about the posting for Anjegirl. Will do. Thanks.
I'm sorry MM. I have never done this blogging thing before and I have been getting updates from this hub and when I see these girls screaming for help, I have been trying to help them. Most therapists are not rape survivors and over 40 years, I have found that far too many therapists are no good at therapy and then there is the fact that therapy today averages out at about $150 for an hour and I don't know anyone in this economy who can afford that. I have talked openly here to young girls because many of the hubs I participate on that is being done, but I also have tried not to leave personal messages here,but my email service through hubpages and the email services of several ppl. I daily correspond with on hubpages are also experiencing problems like I am. I am very sorry and didn't know this was against hub etiquette and won't comment here anymore. analise
I'm thrilled when any two commenters are able to connect and help each other. Whether it's through dialogue here or offline, what matters is that we all are here to reclaim our voices and our lives.
But once the one-on-one connection is made, wouldn't it be more efficient and direct to correspond with each other on your hub, analise? I feel like there is a conversation being had over my head and that feels weird. This isn't a blog. It's a hub.
I'm really glad you are helping these women and know they are grateful. I am very grateful and don't ever want to discourage you from commenting here. That was not my intent. Just not to turn the comments into private email exchanges...
Suggestion to current and future readers: anjegirl has graciously offered her counseling services. To take advantage of her generous offer of free counseling should go to anjegirl's profile and click on "Contact" and that should get you right to her Hub Pages email.
Thanks.
See, I don't even know the difference in a blog and a hub. I still don't. I never meant to make you feel like we were talking over your head. Really, I just was doing what I have been doing on political hubs since I came to hub pages and as I said, my email and that of many others has been not working from my hub or theirs and my contact button was missing for a week and hub pages couldn't get it working. Again, I am sorry and would appreciate it when a girl is looking for therapy if you would tell them where to find me. Thanks and much love Analise.
Rape makes it difficult to love period. You cry every night, you cry in the shower, you cry going to work, you cry in the church & you can forget about it temporarily but then later in life you wake up & realize rape has followed you all your life..counselling all your life..never believing you are good enough. That's why you see prostitutes & porn out in this world. Men are scum..its hard to find the real good men..so women take what they can, hope for the best & treated bad all over again. Rape makes you feel alone..then when you are living alone..another pervert comes in & does it again. You become numb..post traumatic syndrome. Life goes on..until you die..period.
Hi Christina,
I can understand that response as an initial reaction to the trauma of rape. It can only follow and define your life if you let it. That's the point of counseling, to de-power the man/men who did this and regain the power that is rightfully yours.
No matter what the circumstances of the rape or abuse, we CAN retrain our minds and hearts to love and to ACCEPT LOVE. There is a saying "We get the love we allow." If we continue to see ourselves as alone, isolated, numb, not worthy, damaged and see all men as scum waiting for the chance to hurt us again, that is the reality WE CREATE for ourselves.
I believe it is possible and necessary to break that cycle.
I've done it and so have many, many of the commenters here.
Check out hubber anjegirl. She'll tell you what's what and it's totally free.
If you can't afford or don't want to pay for rape counseling, go to a 12 Step program where they WILL teach you to love and value yourself. And that's free, too.
Will you at least try those things and let me know how you do? I would not say these things if I did not know in my own life that they are true. MM
bem,
I'm including your link because I think the straight-up, common-sense advice could be useful to women (and men) struggling with knowing how to reengage in positive sexual activity after rape.
I hope you continue to add to your blog. Thanks for the link. MM
I just found out my sibling was raped. I am overwhelmed with sadness for her and I don't know what to do. I have expressed my support to her, and I've encouraged her to attend therapy (therapy has been helpful for me). I feel so nauseous and have horrible dreams. She's younger then me, and even though I wasn't with her when it happened I feel guilty for not being able to protect her. She didn't tell me for awhile, which I understand, but I feel sad that she couldn't talk to me about it. To think of her in that situation, to have a man abuse her in that way is heart breaking.
If anyone can help me understand how to help her, and how to deal with this in my own life I'd really appreciate it. I was violated by a doctor when I was young, not raped though. I told her that although my experience is nothing as hard as hers, that I understand her not wanting to tell the police. I never reported what happened to me, even though I could find out who he is. Is this a common experience? From people who have reported, did it help your healing?
thank you
Hi Lola,
Your sister is lucky to have you. As horrible as being violated by a doctor was for you, it does help you to empathize with your sister.
Your suggestion to get therapy is a good one. This is one of those life experiences that simply cannot be dealt with in our own heads. It really helps to have your feelings, reactions, even the grief process, validated by someone who knows what you're going through.
I feel it's important that you talk to a RAPE counselor specifically. Not any old therapist. It really would be best if the therapist is herself a survivor. But not essential if the "fit" is there.
Mostly, go at your sister's pace. Let her know you are there for her (which you obviously are) when she feels like talking. Don't pressure her.
The feeling of guilt at not being there to protect our loved ones from harm is universal. You will notice the husbands/boyfriends who commented here saying the same. But that doesn't change anything. Get over the coulda/shoulda/woulda and focus on today and moving forward.
Do rape victims who report heal faster? That's a tough but excellent question! At the most basic level, it takes away a layer of guilt and shame. You are not sitting in wondering "Did I somehow cause this?" NO, it is a CRIME.
If you get a positive outcome and your rapist is punished, I believe that helps the healing tremendously.
That takes another HUGE layer of guilt and shame off.
But it's very, very possible to heal and live a full, happy life and have a healthy sex life no matter what the circumstances.
There are some links on my hub you might want to suggest to your sister (sorry to bounce around).
Best of luck to both of you.
Thanks for having the courage to share. MM
Thanks for your response MM, it's helpful to be able to share this anonymously, since I have sworn to keep her experience confidential.
She doesn't know who the guy was, and it happened while travelling, so I don't know what chance there would be for any criminal charges, but I could see how (although difficult) empowering it could be.
I just want what is best for her, and its hard to know because she's not as emotionally vocal as I am. I don't want to keep bringing it up, because I can see the flash in her eyes, but I don't want it to become closeted.
I will recommend her seeing a rape counselor, I want to make sure her first experience with therapy is positive, because I know people who had a bad first session and never went back. It's hard to find the right fit, so I'm sure speaking to someone who has experienced rape could be better.
Thanks for everything,
Lola.
One of my close friends was raped, and it didn't really affect hess sexuality in terms of promiscuity or conservativeness; she had sex, but she doesn't sleep around with just anyone, which is normal for girls our age. I, myself, went through what's known as "coercive rape." Basically, he didn't use physical force, or even actual verbal threats, but he used other tactics to convince me to do what he knew I didn't want to do. In the end, he asked if I trusted him, and then didn't even ask if it was ok-- he just did it. It happened a couple of times. I don't have sex currently, but it's not because of what happened-- I'm not afraid of having sex, I just don't want to at this point in my life. Although my situation was different, it still had a huge impact on me, but neither my friend nor I let our experiences dictate our following sexual experiences or lack thereof. So I would say, from what I've seen, it doesn't make girls more or less promiscuous.
I would like to amend my previous comment-- rape IN AND OF ITSELF does not affect how promiscuous a woman is. Because every woman and every rape is different, we all respond differently. If a woman cares deeply about sex outside of marriage, she won't become a prostitute simply because she was raped. I'm exaggerating, of course, but you get my point-- it depends on the individual. I can see why some women would have more sex afterwards, because it WOULD restore some level of control over her sexuality. And others become afraid of it-- my friend told me there have been times when she's freaked out while having sex with her boyfriend. We women are all different-- that's what makes us all so beautiful! Even twins are different.
I wish everyone good luck in coping with their experiences and/or in helping loved ones recover. Have patience and surround yourself with supportive, caring people. Talk to someone you trust and remember that you are SPECIAL and BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL.
God bless.
My virginity was taken by my rapist. The worst part about it was that he was my boyfriend. I now, after 9 years, still have a tough time sexually with men. I am engaged to an amazing man, but I still have a horrible gut reaction anytime sex is mentioned. I hate that I am this way and wonder what I should do. Any ideas?
Hello Ash,
Date rape can be just as traumatizing as stranger rape, and much more confusing because you trusted the guy. I understand. I'm sorry you are still suffering the after effects of your former boyfriend's selfish and destructive actions.
You deserve every happiness. Congratulations on your engagement and I'm pleased to hear it's to an amazing man! You BOTH deserve a beautiful, healthy sex life together.
Your "gut reaction" is a learned response that CAN be unlearned. You need to create new, positive associations with sex to supercede the negative of your rape.
How do you do this? My standard answer, as always, is "get therapy." A good, trained therapist can guide you to make positive associations with sex so you can enjoy the happiness you deserve.
I wish you all the best. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. MM
MM I am glad that you posted this hub as it is hard for most females who have been raped to talk about their experience. As for I am a victim of 4 different rapes one in which I almost lost my life by being stabbed 18 times I have still been able to find forgiveness for what has happened to me and am happily married.
Hello loverdearest. You are proof positive of the triumph of good. Most of us cannot even fathom being raped once, let alone 4 times. It's inspiring and heartening to read that you have found peace and forgiveness. That is truly the only way we can heal. Congratulations on reclaiming the love and the life you so richly deserve.
MM
Hi
It amazes me that a thread that started 3 years ago is still going strong. I too am a "rape victim." Im actually someone who seems determined to "fix" herself? I keep googling answers to what I believe are the personality disorders I gained from my experiences. Is that weird? Anyway its how I landed on this page.
To tell you the truth, my experience happened years ago. And I feel guilty because the things I do to myself, I sometimes think they are motivated by some sort of self-pity mode.
Yes, I am promiscuous or atleast I feel that I am. I have sex with men, even when I know I don't want it. Before I have sex with them I always seem to think, "well, I have made my bed, now I must lie in it."
I do know that I do want men to be sexually attracted to me, and the fact that they are seems comforting. I don't know why.
What happened to me is that I was abused as a child. It involved penetration and oral, so really it was rape. I managed to stop the abuse by saying no one day. And to tell you the truth this memory of me saying "no" as a child haunts me to this day. I do know why, I guess its the sense that i was somehow disappointing the person who was doing this to me?
I somehow managed to move on and heal from the experience as a teen in high school. However, then came university. Suddenly there were men, and I was living in shared flats. You see your female friends managing to have normal relationships with men. This is something that you also want for yourself. This pinnacle of inviting a guy over to your flat and having nothing happen that is remotely sexual seems to be a sign of true healing (well to me it look that way).
Somehow I have not been able to achieve this status yet of having a male friend and I dont understand why. Its my greatest internal battle. I don't act slutishly, I really don't. Nothing outrageously short in my wardrobe and I don't use any sexual innuendos in conversations, I don't swear and I hardly flirt at all! But somehow I find myself in a cycle of finding men who are intent in having sex with me against my will. These men who I explicitly tell, I want to be their friend are forcing their kisses and hands on me.
What makes it worse is that these very men, are able to have female friends and I know they have never attempted any inappropriate behaviour with their female friends. So really it know becomes a question of what vibe is this that I am sending out? I think people can sometimes sense vulnerability in someone, and perhaps they sense it in me and hence the cycle? They somehow know if they try to sleep with you against your will, you will try fight but ultimately you submit because you cant overpower them and the is no use. Whats worse is that you dont report it. The thing about a 'friend' raping you is that its hard to report. Its not really as traumatic (dont mean to offend anyone). I can view these incidents dispassionately, I rage not at them nor myself for that matter. You dont report it because this person is human as well. They have parents, they have dreams and yes they do crush your dreams in the process, but to me it looks like they have no idea of the inner turmoil and grief that they cause you.
Believe it or not, I met my last boyfriend trying to running away from promiscuity. He was a guy I knew was interested in me and the day we happened to get together I had been drinking at party. I had drank too much that night but I was still functioning, he walked me home and invited him into my house not thinking he would take it as a cue for sex. I just wanted to chat which we did, until I realised at some point that he was not going to leave. So we ended doing the deed and I decided from then on, its better to be in a relationship than alone, because at least in an relationship no one can call you a slut as your sleeping with only one person.
Anyway it was really weird being in a relationship but it gave me some sort of security. Yes, I had not really wanted the relationship to begin with, but I found that because me and this person where in a sexual journey together, I felt like I was learning what sex could be about. It was liberating believe it or not. Finally I somehow did have control of my sex life. What started out as a lover type relationship then evolved into something where we started to have genuine feelings for each other.
One of readers on this talked about how her partner wanting to know about the number of sexual partners they had and about the rape incident. To me this is dangerous ground and here is why I think so:
I finally disclosed to my partner that I had been raped after he raged at me about my peculiar reactions in bed. He did try to be comforting which is good, but I do have to say I also sensed this anger he did feel to what I said (not anger towards me but anger toward what was stolen, its hard to describe). I refused to tell him who had did it but he knew it was not a stranger and it bothered him that I was refusing to share this info. Anyway to his credit he tried to put this behind him, but one day we were discussing whether it right to ask how many sexual partners a person has had when you are in a relationship. I dont care for this number because of my history, for me some of my partners are not people I consented to have sex with but they are my sexual partners all the same. My boyfriend I think was shocked to hear that I was not interested in how many partners he had given the fact that i had now realised that im a very conservative person. It made him curious to know, my number and I lied because he was pressuring me to tell him. He knows I lied because he asked me a couple of days later and I gave him the wrong number. So why is the sexual history question hard for rape victims? Well for me its a simply because more than one men has penetrated me against my will, more than one main has tried to penetrate me and failed against my will. And with all these men i had made it clear i did not want sexual activity. Do these men count towards your sexual history list? I dont know? I therefore think this is the worst question you can ask a sexual abuse/rape victim.
Eventually my relationship with my partner did die off, due to the lack of trust that was established once i lied. Obviously this was not the only reason the relationship ended but it did represent the turning point. I could see the questions in his eyes? He wanted me to trust him with my experiences, and i did trust him, i just didnt want to share. I was just trying to move away from my past. He didnt understand that because i had managed to fall in love with him and graduate to a relationship that could be called healthy, I was actually proud of myself for finally achieving normalcy. Unfortunately i was never able to truly convey that not sharing did not mean i didnt love nor trust him enough. The relationship started to deteriorate until all i understood once again was sex, because that was how we started. He once accused me of using him for sex. What I was afraid of was him seeing the emotional scars I carry with me to this day. Its hard to let anyone see your naked soul for really everyday I put a brave face and my best foot forward. But underneath is a grief that is very deep, I dont think I will ever stop grieving. Just like a parent who lost their child, I too lost something every time I was raped. I am no longer trusting of people (this grieves me); I think all men are inherently bad (this also grieves me for I know it not to be true), I wonder if i will ever be sexual pure, i wonder if i will ever be strong enough to never let anyone force their self on me.
Anyway those were my thoughts. I thought i should share. Really i hope to be cured. Cured of fixing myself, cured of my anxieties, cured of my need to have a man approve of me. I am still searching, still looking for the day when i will finaly be able to say "its well and truly in the past"
And to all you out there who have been sexually assaulted on way or another, I pray we may find acceptance within ourselves to let go and to finally stop grieving.
That is one powerful and insightful comment! You have a lot of understanding of yourself and your reactions. Stopping yourself from repeating unhealthy patterns -- not so much. Which to me (since I totally relate to everything you said) seems quite normal. And for a sexual abuse and rape survivor, it IS totally normal.
What jumps out at me is that you seem to be on the outside of yourself observing yourself doing these things. There's a dissociation of sorts. Also totally normal.
What is missing is integrity. Not honesty, but integrity, meaning that reconciliation with yourself where the disparate halves are reunited into a healthy whole. That is what you are striving for. But understanding something intellectually and really repairing yourself at the cellular level are miles apart.
Ask yourself this question: Do I forgive myself for what happened to me? Do I forgive myself for reacting abnormally because that is the only reaction that seemed normal to me?
I'm going to spare you my Mighty Mom broken record speech. The truth is, I honestly believe you will heal much faster and more fully with outside help. You can do a whole bunch of self work, but if you don't really know where to get the tools, what good is that? Right now you are stuck in analytical mode. That's a start, but the leap from head to heart is big. In my experience it requires external assistance.
Grieving for a loved one is something you can do solo. Your wounds are so complex and compounded, I doubt Mother Nature is going to just lift the burden of grief one day just because you've been suffering for 5 years, 10 years or 50 years. You have to make sense of what's happened to you and make peace with it and forgive yourself. That is a harder thing to do than to forgive someone else. Trust me on this one. Been working on it a long, long time!
If you don't want to go to therapy,I understand.
Perhaps, then, instead of searching the internet for personality disorders, look instead to spiritual healing guides. Read about the law of attraction so you stop sending out subliminal mixed signals to men you verbally say you only want to be friends with but somehow permit them to sexually violate you. Read about affirmations and intentions. There are healing forces all around you.
But, they cannot access you through your brain!
Sorry if I'm getting all New Age on ya.
I wish you every happiness and do hope you will check back in and let us (collectively) know how you're faring.
Blessings, MM
P.S. For what it's worth, asking how many sex partners someone has had is a really immature question and should NEVER be answered. It is totally irrelevant to the relationship at hand. Your boyfriend forced you into a lie then punished you for lying.
But you've now seen for yourself how tricky it is to open yourself up to a "new" partner on the whole rape issue. Even the best ones (and yes, there ARE good men out there and you deserve one and will ATTRACT one to you when you are ready to acknowledge you deserve love) get all squirrely. I don't like it, but I've lived it!
I know of a few friends who were raped at younger ages by family. IT certainly is tragic. This is a great article. Very useful
Good to know that you've come out stronger from your ordeal. Just the thought of being labelled "rape victim" is scary enough, let alone the physical and emotional torture. I hope this hub and its subsequent comments reach out to people who need to read this, and that they can take advantage of your insight and the situation you have been in.
Princesswithapen
I believe that only sometimes does a victim's post rape sex life include 'promiscuity", actually, I think it's the wrong term. - I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes the victim doesn't consciously permit this behavior for themselves. Many victims must overcome the self blame. More so, I believe, if they knew their attacker. They may find themselves in a situation and rather than 'say no' - they lack their own self worth and feel their body is already damaged as well. In some cases, it could be the fear of what may happen if they refuse someone. As in, I'd rather give them what they want than be abused. Does that make sense?
i was raped by my ex husband all the time threw out our marriage. now i am remarried to a wonderful guy but he thinks that i am not attracted to him cause i don't feel like having sex much any more. getting raped really affected me sexually.
princesswithapen -- first off, I love your hubber name! Thanks so much for your supportive words. I think women who find their way to this hub are amazed at the strength they find both through other survivors and in themselves.
KellyPittman -- thank you for the excellent comment. I know exactly what you mean. We can adopt an attitude of resignation when it comes to sex. That we really don't have (or even deserve) any say, so might as well give it away. That's very true. Other times rape victims will unconsciously try to reclaim their sexual power by "using" men (hence the promiscuity). Either way, there's no denying that our healthy attitudes about ourselves, our self-worth and our sexuality are very damaged by rape.
Thank you so much for pointing that out!
Hi rochelle -- Thank you, also, for bringing up the subject of rape in marriage. I'm so glad you got out of that abusive relationship and are now with a wonderful guy. That's a huge step forward. But sounds like you are still dragging around the pain and shame of your previous marriage. It's not that you're not attracted to your new husband. I get it. It's just that your associations with sex are so mired in force and abuse.
I wish I could wave a magic wand over you and say, "You're healed. Give yourself permission to enjoy your sexuality." You deserve that. I hope you are able to claim the happiness you are entitled to as a woman. Get therapy of whatever nature appeals to you.
Good luck to you.
Blessings, all you beautiful strong women!! MM
hi mm its me again from way back when. well just an update really on my 'situation' i still can't say the word r*%* it burns me inside. Anyway a word of encouragement to those seeking counselling..I am striving to become a survivor and one on one therapy helped me no end..this then progressed into group sessions every week for 12 weeks. It nearly killed me (emotionally)hearing the others stories of what happened and how useless our justice system can be in these situations. I'm not here to criticise the justice system just to let you all know that before counselling i was VERY sceptical but my counsellor is amazing..maybe i was lucky to get a counsellor who is very passionate about what she does, yet knows her 'limitations' with some questions i ask that she will never know the answer to..like why me? what did i do to make him to do what he did to me? i blamed myself and still do a lot of 'what ifs.'it took a long time to fully open up to her, i really had in the back of my mind that she was judging me..but she really wasn't and thats what let me relax. A total stranger who seemed to now know my inner deepest darkest secrets has helped me begin the healing process. it is by no means finished but i can truthfully say i am getting there. live for the moment.Don't get me wrong i still get flashbacks, nightmares,intrusional thoughts,insomnia and so it goes on but this is the PTSD i need to deal with. my few friends who know tried to help but i just get frustrated they don't understand and a little flippant 'unintentional' comment really hurts so i give up talking to them about this and my counsellor and ladies from my group get it all instead.Its such a horrible subject to talk about but one that i feel needs to be shared with those who have gone through the same, regardless of circumstance..we have all been violated,humiliated, made to feel useless and dirty...but u cant hold these thoughts and feelings in. I certainly tried the stoical approach and it just came back to bite me in the rear! Fortunately the bond with my group therapy is really tight as we all share the same 'painful secret' so we can help each other get through this, bit like this hub. I promise things do get easier over time and im so grateful to MM for continuing this post and spreading the 'love'...I'm in the UK so justice systems are prob very different to the US but i wish u all the very best of luck and Please dont let these men ruin our lives. They are nothing, they have the problem not us! it wasn't our fault no matter how much it may feel like it is and we will move on! I am by no means healed but i feel emotionallystronger and more determined than ever to continue with my counselling and try and help others if/where possible coz i know what a dark horrible place i came from and how things improve each day.Its very empowering to read sopme of the stories above and pains me to read how very young and vulnerable some of you are/were but keep reading the stories and no that you're not alone. The world is a very big place but it can be a very lonely place sometimes..this hub has helped me realise i am not alone in my thoughts and feelings on what these men have done to us..i found a comment above so very true that "men don't r$*# for sex, they r&$% for the power!" it took me a long time to understand this concept but i get it...Try and stay strong ladies we deserve the best life has to offer. a huge Thank u MM for being open and honest stay blessed :) x
lsc,
It's sooo good to see you back here. I'm really encouraged by your update. You have made so much progress in your healing. I read a lot of EMPOWERMENT in your message. You have worked through so many self-doubts and even misconceptions (which come with the rape territory, alas) about what happened to you. You are telling it like it is, sister. Your message of HOPE is simply awesome.
Thank you, too, for taking up the "get therapy" mantra. You can clearly see the difference it has made in your own understanding and acceptance of the awful truth. There is simply no substitute for processing the insanity of rape with someone else who has lived through it.
Thanks, too, for pointing out that while we can't always expect justice through the courts, we can ALWAYS expect and demand justice in our own lives. That's another tough one to grasp. But you, my dear, have grabbed it and turned your experience into a positive. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing the most important message of all. We are NOT ALONE.
Blessings and hugs, from one STRONG, SEXY, SASSY SURVIVOR to another... MM
Thank u MM, your reply truly touched me and made me cry! I think because i was focusing on the negative of this whole situation for far too long, its nice that i can bring the positives out this awful (understatement of the year i'm sure)situation. I can't emphasise how much it pays to talk about what's happened to us..in this case i thought my best friends were the answer but it was my counsellor and the girls in the group, who although strangers instantly understood the tears, the anger, the frustration, the 'grieving', the silence and every emotion i showed. That understanding is totally priceless...almost like an acceptance into a different world that is full of stigmas.Anyway i digress, i just want to thank u and your hub so much for pretty getting me moving on with my life again. I am sure you have helped so many of us here on this hub, probably without even realising which is a true testament to your kind, selfless soul.I hope to drop by on here again one day with some great news..not sure what but who knows...i live by "everything happens for a reason, the good, the bad and the downright hideous", i try and take the positive out of every situation..it doesn't mean it was right what he did or even that i 'accept his behaviour' but it means i have learnt alot about me,life,society etc and can do some good from this and channel my negative thoughts into positive energy. Now im rambling..sorry. keep strong ladies and gents.(ps love the ending of your messaghe above..made me smile...strong, sassy, SURVIVOR...yes i am a survior
damn it! ive taken ownership of this situation. its up to me to turn it around! Big hugs right back at u MM x
Um, this was far more helpful than other sites I've visted, but I'm still not sure it was what I was looking for. I honestly don't know what I'm looking for. I mean I wasn't really raped in a form that would be a display of power. I was raped by my older cousin when I was 4. It's been fourteen years and for the most part I was able to move on. Only having minor insomia, and paranoia that results from other unrelated things... Um, where my problem comes in now is that though we've all silently agreed to put it behind us. I find that I can't really have a commited relationship. I've never slept with anyone sexaully since that incident, but I have had many bf, and gfs. Though only since last year. I didn't start dating till I turned 17...I was never quite sure what to do. I'm still not comfortable with anyone touching me and yet I want them too. I also find that I can't stand being but in a possion of power or attention. I'm mostly just trying to find out why I'm so socially akward and such.... I was wondering if it was some long term trauma from the, um rape or maybe if it was uh, um from something else.(I had some issues growing up with my mother and being away from my father,sisters. I also moved a lot, jumping between parents after they finally got a seperated and then divorced...) I'm probably not making any since sorry if you read this and I only aggaitated, um or confused you... Sorry, I'll stop typing now. Thank you for your time.
Thanks you mm for this hub...
I was raped twice when I was little. I am now happily engaged to a wonderful guy named David. He does not know about either of my rapes. I am afraid to tell him. I love him and he loves me but I am just afraid that him knowing that I am not the virgin that he thinks I was when we got together 5 years ago will make him leave and not want to marry me anymore. We have had sex once in the 5 years we have been together but we live together like we are man and wife meaning we have an apt together. I feel bad for not telling him and my best friend told me that I have to tell him before we get married we have been engaged for 2 1/2 years so idk when we will get married. Am I wrong for not telling him? The one time we did have sex was awful. It hurt bad and made me think of the pain I felt the night if my rape. Idk why it hurt so bad but he said that there should have been a lot of blood he said that when a girl loses her virginity there is normally quite a bit of blood. He said he was thankful there wasn't but that is a very odd. Does every girl bleed when she loses her virginity? I bled a lot the night o both of my rapes more so the first time than the second but I just figured it was from the trauma of the rape. In closing I am asking what do I do?
lsc, I know you are on the right path. You're working hard on getting past this the right way. I know you're going to land solidly on your feet and continue to be a source of strength and encouragement to others. Bless you. Please keep me/all of us posted on your life's journey.
sam -- I can totally relate to your statement "I don't know what I'm looking for." We know what we're feeling and experiencing something odd that is keeping us from fully living our lives, especially our beautiful healthy sex lives.
One phrase in your comment really jumped out at me: "We've all silently agreed to put it behind us." Wow.
That makes me FURIOUS! How dare the adults in your life dismiss this as if it never happened? How dare your older cousin skate away without as much as a slap on the wrist? Meanwhile, here you are suffering what sounds like PTSD symptoms. I'm not a shrink and can't say what other events in your childhood contributed. But I will say that the insomnia and paranoia and inability to be in a relationship (you soooo deserve to be living your first big LOVE at 18) show that something is still haunting you.
As is my stock answer, I encourage you to get counseling. If at the very least, see a good acupuncturist/Chinese energy specialist who can unblock you and help your energy flow and help you get some sleep.
14 years with no support from the people who were supposed to be protecting you is a long time. This cousin robbed you of your childhood and innocence. PLEASE don't allow him or anyone else to rob you of your womanhood, too!
Dave's Little Girl -- Thank you for your comment and for bringing yet another perspective to the conversation here. First, I'm so sorry to hear about your rapes. You seem to really diminish them and dismiss them, however.
And yet, it seems your relationship with your fiance is really being held back. It is not my place to judge how anyone conducts their private life. However, I will observe that being engaged for 2.5 years and together for 5 and having sex only once -- is that ok with you? Is it ok with your fiance? Is the fear of the pain from the one time you did try making love holding you back?
I would first suggest getting fully checked out by a gynecologist. There could possibly be a physical reason sex hurts. Although it is more than likely that the trauma of your two (!!!) childhood rapes triggers an involuntary cringing at even the idea of being penetrated. That's quite natural, under the circumstances.
It does concern me that your fiance seemed more concerned about the amount of blood that was (or wasn't) present when he supposedly deflowered you than the fact that you were clearly in PAIN. What is that about?
As to your best friend, she is dead wrong. That is quite often the case with people who have not been raped. See other entries above. It's sooo much better to talk to/get support from others who have been in your shoes.
I see no benefit to telling your fiance that you were raped as a child. Quite honestly, I see NO good coming from that. Others are free to disagree with me. You, also, feel free to push back on me and tell me why you feel that opening up to this man you've been with for 5 years, engaged to for 2.5 years,but who doesn't seem to have any urgency to have sex with you or even any curiosity as to why you might not be jumping HIS bones, is a smart idea.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you did ask... MM
Thanks mm. He did say that your first time does hurt he did ask if he needed to slow down or stop but once we did stop I was still in pain and he held me and comforted me till I fell asleep in his arms. Yes as I said we have only had sex once but that was just a few months ago. He has asked but I have just said I am not feeling up to it. I want to be completely honest with him especially since Dave is the love of my life. My family has always acted like my rape did not happen and from what I understand that happens tow lot of women but the only person I know that has been raped is a Guy and he doesn't want to talk about it. Idk if I should really be talking about it but I feel like I am going to explode if I don't. I was raped by a family member he is now in jail it happened twice in the same month before I reported it.
Hi Daves Little Girl,
It sounds like your biggest concern is not being completely honest with Dave that you were a virgin the first time you had sex or tried to. Would he be more upset to find out you weren't a virgin? Or that you were you were raped by a family member?
In my mind, being raped doesn't disqualify you as a "virgin" (if that's important to anyone). It wasn't like you went out and had consensual sex with 10 guys before meeting Dave.
But it sure does have an impact on your attitude toward sex now. Which you can't just turn "on" simply because you're with the love of your life.
You haven't asked for my advice, but I'm going to give it anyway.
I strongly urge you to talk about your rape to people who get it. Families are notorious for not being able to handle it. Boyfriends/fiances/husbands want to be supportive, but are very traumatized and you cannot rely on them to react in a way that helps you. Believe me on this. I've lived it.
I am NOT saying you should hide this big part of you from Dave. Not at all. But I think that getting some professional guidance FIRST is a good idea. A trained counselor can even give you ideas on the best way to broach the subject with Dave. If you read lsc's comment above, talking in a group with other rape survivors can be amazingly healing. Please seek that out.
Of course, I don't know you and I don't know Dave. He may be the most understanding man in the world. I know you think the world of him, and that's exactly why I would hate to drive a bigger wedge between you than is already there.
But right now there's a big fat elephant in the bed with you two.
You both deserve a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
That may happen simply by finally coming clean about your past and being ultra gentle with him.
But honestly, that is a calculated risk. You've waited this long to spill the truth to Dave. Wait a little longer until you've dealt with the "I'm going to explode" feeling of needing to SCREAM about what happened to you!
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Final comment: The first time does NOT always hurt. Perhaps that has been Dave's personal experience with other virgins he's slept with, but it is simply not true.
This is way of topic but is there a way to change your Name on here. Mine was supposed to be Dave's Girl not Daves Little Girl. I set it up on my best friends phone and didn't relize till it was too late that the predictive text put little in there.
That's a new wrinkle in Hub Name selection how odd.
Given that you haven't "officially" signed up as a hubber with a profile description, photo or avatar or written any hubs under the name Daves little Girl, I would suggest the easiest thing is to open a new HP account using a different computer/email address with the name you want. If for some reason Daves Girl is taken, add a number that's meaningful (e.g., Daves Girl378 if your birthday or his birthday is in March 78) or even Daves1Girl or something...
I do hope you will officially join our community and start writing (e.g., HUBBING) about your own experiences, as they add a lot of value to our readers.
Hope that helps.
MM
Hi MM!
I know its been a while since I've been on this site, but I just wanted to stop by and say hi! I've been doing a lot better lately. My birthday was not as bad as I expected (however, I did have a few flashbacks--but I worked through it). I do admit, I was a mess during the few weeks before my birthday--I was pretty depresssed, and I couldn't stop thinking about my gang rape. However, as soon as my birthday passed, I felt a lot better, and the anxiety and depression significantly subsided. So if worse comes to worst, then I'm assuming that in the future, I will only feel depressed during the few months before my birthday (until I competely heal). So things are better. However, I still need to finishing healing, because I still think about my rape quite often, and Im still not able to be sexually active or engage in serious relationships without difficulty. But fortunately, the depression has decreased. I've even been doing a few things to help me heal. Right now I'm training to intern at my university for a rape crisis/domestic violence hotline so I can help others. And also, I've found a new hobby--recreational shooting! I've already signed up to do some interesting firearm training classes, along with some self-defense classes. So the next person who tires to harm me is in for a rude awakening! Lol
Also, Anjegirl and I have still been doing our counseling sessions! She has helped me sooo much and she has been amazing! She's not only my counselor, I believe I've also made a new friend for life :-). I don't know what condition I would have been in right now if it wasn't for her help. I would reccomend her to any rape victim, so please check out "Anjegirl" for counseling. After working with her, I'm starting to feel less and less like a rape victim---I'm starting to feel more like a "rape survivor"!
And also, MM you have also been a great help. The very first time I ever discussed my rape was right here on your site. Reading everyones stories (including your excellent advice and feedback), really helped me to talk about my rape for the very first time in history! And I've even managed to tell 3 of my closest friends after telling you and anjegirl. So thanks again :)
Hey MM
Just checking in. The last time I posted here I was quite depressed. But I'm in a much better place now (as in I'm functioning normal life). Anyway I did get counselling, which is ongoing. The first session truly did help, it made me able to get out of bed and do productive stuff. But I'm finding counselling very difficult. The lady seems fixated in what happened on my childhood where as I am obsessed with what is happening to me as a adult. But I have decided to try and stick with it.
Meanwhile Im missing my ex, missing the sex. I want sex now. hahaha not funny but true. I feel like I don't know anything about myself, and somehow sex in what was/seemed like a loving relationship was an anchor. I do feel bad to come here without a better sign of improvement but trust me, I'm working on it.
Meanwhile it seems like I might eat my way to obesity. Definitely not a good coping strategy. I type this now feeling bloated from all the muffins and Doritos I managed to munch thorough.
Anyway there is progress. I'm trying to be light hearted and stop isolating myself from people. I thinking about joining some group therapy as seeing a counsellor one on one freaking me out. Its too much like Tv, sometimes I'm dried eyed, and all I can think is I should be crying so that she can believe me and feel sorry for me. Definitely twisted thinking on my part. But my counsellor is nice, I just happen to have an active imagination.
I hope your well. Your hub really helped me in a time of need.
Love all you ladies out here (and the men!)
mxwaah xoxo
Joyce! Happy birthday! I am thrilled to hear you got through the anniversary of your rape and are doing so well. I absolutely LOVE the positive steps you are taking. Not sure which is more healing -- the working with others on the crisis line or learning to shoot. I'm kinda liking the shooting idea right about now. Get that rage OUT, girlfriend!
Thanks, too, for affirming that Anjegirl is helping you so much. I am so glad.
And note to others (including you, stayingsane), check her out. Joyce is living proof of how we CAN turn a devastating situation around.
Stayingsane -- Thank you so much, too, for reporting in. Progress is progress. We can't expect to be well and wonderful overnight. Please be gentle with yourself. I think you're doing amazingly well -- even being able to put one foot in front of the other and go to those counseling sessions is HUGE. So keep up the great healing!
I totally get the eating thing. I did that, too. Until I decided it was time to live in my body again. LOL.
As for wanting sex -- isn't that a positive sign? Heck, I think it is! If you want it, go get it!
As for your counselor and the fixation with your childhood. Sounds like a Freudian therapist. But good for you for sticking with it. You might also want to check out Anjegirl and I do HIGHLY recommend group therapy. As you can see from other women here, it's incredibly powerful to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD by others who have lived what you've lived. We have our own tribe and we "get" each other, you know?
Overall, I can't tell both of you -- ALL of you -- fabulous women how amazing it is for me that you are committed to "our" mini-community here. There is such energy and support among the women who share here.
I am honored to be the hostess.
Continue talking -- and healing -- amongst yourselves.
You all totally rock. Much love. xxooo, MM
Mighty Mom
It is very interesting that you did not want to speak about the specifics of the night in February 1985,
WHY IS THAT !!
It was 27 yrs ago and you talk about everything else that happened, WHY not the truth, Is it because you have embraced you'r identity as a rape victim and you are milking it for all it's worth, you don't want the truth to end all the attention and sympathy, it seems that way.
As a victim you have a right to speak the truth to help you heal and to help others..
You said the police had to drill the truth into you'r head why did you need the police to tell you how you felt that night, was it because they felt the truth was not relevant either ? Or was it because it did not happen the way you say it did in you're blog ?
One of you'r readers Mia 1957 said you are a liar was she referring to the specifics, or did she know you were trying to just cast Anthony Canejo in a bad light, could it be that you have to make yourself as sympathetic as possible and give you the right to try to comfort victims of real rape.
Could it be that you really want to meet new potential girlfriends on the blog pages, If so then Mia 1957 is correct to say shame on you Jane Rothchild.
You know that Anthony was very drunk when he walked in on you and you're girlfriend as you were in the middle of a lesbian sex act both naked in bed, He asked could he join you and made a threat when you said no, so your friend agreed to oral sex but not until you and Anthony shook hands on a deal, this concerned him promising to leave and not taking any jewellery with him just the 6 pack of beer and a few dollars you gave him.
That was the only time he touched you, soon after you shown him to the door he kissed you
he could smell that you had oral sex with the girlfriend, he then said he wanted oral sex with you too and you agreed, he then left, he was so drunk he left his wallet there
The judge in the courtroom asked you and you're girlfriend if you would like to give a statement but you both declined, was this because in MA homosexual oral sodomy was a crime and you would have opened yourself up to charges.
Anthony pled guilty that meant no trial so no need for any of you're secrets to come to light !! yes the secret of what was really going on that night.
Anthony had no right demanding to be part of the action, you had every right to engage in homosexual activities in you're own home without a drunken stranger wanting to be part of it, being drunk was no excuse and he deserved to go to jail, the only reason he is still there is for a crime of robbery that he committed later in life.
You could have held the moral high ground by simply telling the truth but you didn't Jane Rothchild
that could be how Mia1957 picked up on it you lied simply to seek attention and play the victim after all you could not tell the police the whole story now could you so you lied to them too.
For example you say they had you're clothes and body taken for evidence ? Why when you were naked when Anthony walked in on you, when he kissed you in the kitchen you had wrapped a blanket around you but you did not say the police took the blanket.
So you know the only sex you had that night is oral with a man and a woman, “OH lucky not to get pregnant” this is why you left out the so called specifics so you're lies would be more believable..what happened was not you or you're girlfriends fault so why not tell the mighty truth shame on you for painting yourself a bigger victim than you were.
You say the key is not to let you're new identity define you long term yet here you are 27 years later still peddling your lies, and the court papers back up Anthony's version of the events that night.......
Dear Laurel85,
I obviously don't know who you are or why you feel the need to come onto my hub and vilify me.
Anthony Canejo didn't "walk in" on anything.
He slit the screen to a second floor apartment.
That is breaking and entering.
He held a knife to MY throat and told me that if I didn't perform oral sex on him I would die.
That is forcible rape.
Rape is any sexual contact that is not consensual.
Trust me. This was not consensual.
If you've read any or many of the comments here you will notice that most rape victims don't have the satisfaction of ever facing their perpetrator or seeing justice done.
Mr. Canejo left his wallet there. Perhaps he wanted the police to find him?
The one portion of your story that is likely true is that Mr. Canejo was very drunk (seems to me like he was also high on something). Like that excuses his actions?
I didn't delete your comment because I want everyone to see your accusations.
Blaming the victims.
All I can say to you is God bless. I hope you never find yourself on the receiving end of rape.
MM
Hey mm, just thought I would check back in while I was having a little blip...nothing serious just an overwhelming flashback triggered by yesterdays therapy session. Feel ok now until I read the post above yours from laurel 85!! Goodness that's made me so angry...quite frankly am totally shocked, outraged at the comments. Why o why would they post this? I don't really care for her perspective on what happened to you and your friend.is she some jealous colleague/associate. She has said some very hurtful things and achieved what exactly??? Just made themself look stupid. I don't know this person and apologies for my comments but I'm sure we are all thinking the same...if we didn't value mighty mums view,kind words,inspiration,encouragement,hope then we wouldn't keep logging in and fighting the fight. Laurel 85 clearly has some kind of issue+I'm very disappointed they have spoilt the feel of the hub :( I hope u stay strong+keep up the amazing strength mighty mum we all value you as in individual. I could rant for ages but its not my place to...laurel 85 hope you' re very proud of your incredibly insensitive post...when you dig at mighty mum u r at us all...please keep your hurtful comments private. We are rape survivors and getting some serious guidance from each other. We all have mighty mum to thank for starting this very tricky hub. We were all raped in different circumstances,different men,different ages but u know what we were all violated! If you have nothing encouraging to say please don't say anything. Naming the perpetrator on here is useful how exactly? Please remember this is an incredibly sensitive subject that some people are talking about for the first time. Don't ruin this. Now I know mighty mum is tough enough to fight her own battles but as someone who has benefited no end to this hub please don't embarrass yourself and let mighty mum do what she dies amazingly...sorry to go on...lsc x
after what happened just looking for some answers how to get on with my life. I in som ways try to tell myself its not as bad bcause it happened whie i was druNk then druged anD asleep.The animal that did it was a close friend known since i was young he ould b the last person i would of expected to mess with my head and do that to me. After i woke up still had his semem inside me asked hi what he had done. he calmly explained he pulled m shorts down and rubbed my thigh to check if was awake but obv flat out . Then he got on top and fucked me ... AND quote his word i couldnt help myself... Then he said he was sorry he wanted make up to me ... BY then my head in pieces.. i have reported it all going through procuction system well. But he even said he was going to admit it now he crawling out of it. feel like i lost in limbo dnt no wherre to turn... Is there something wrong with e that somedays it dnt bother me i can shake it off then others breaks my hart any advice please
hi katie,
Welcome here. Thank you for sharing what happened to you. I understand that feeling in limbo. It feels like it's not real sometimes but other times it's the only thing in life that does feel real and it's hard to imagine life ever being normal again.
If you've read through some of the comments here you know your experience is shared by many women.
It sucks. It was horrible. It's the worst betrayal someone you trusted could possibly do to you. He is a _____ fill in your favorite word for lower than low scum.
Whatever you do, don't go near this man. He will twist this around to save himself. He will justify his actions. I couldn't help myself? Really? What kind of animal are you? Do not look for any explanation or anything from him. You will only get more confused and hurt. There is nothing he can do to make it up to you.
You said you have reported it. Good for you. Have you asked them if they have rape counselors you can talk to?
Even if they don't have that resource, I highly recommend (see every single comment above) talking to someone. There is something very empowering about getting the rage out of you in a safe room or group with others. Don't look for the differences of circumstance. They are not important. Look for the commonalities.
Someone had sex with you against your will. That is RAPE.
On the positive side, I know you WILL heal. It will not feel like this forever. But you will heal more completely and faster if you get help rather than trying to deal with this on your own (lots of commenters above have tried the above, too).
All my best to you. I wish you peace and serenity. And happiness. MM
I have heard hundreds of stories where the girl got raped by his family members or even by her male friends. That makes me feel sick as I do not understand the philosophy behind this sort of activities.
Thank you, this is an important hub. I work with survivors of interpersonal trauma, many of them children. Those who have survived and thrive have much to teach other survivors and caregivers.
Thank you for this hub, I just found it while searching for information about sex after rape. I was raped 17 years ago and it took me ten years to finally start talking about and dealing with it. I am still not all the way healed but finally approaching the possibility of actually having a healthy romantic relationship - and doing so with joy instead of fear. Therapy as well as some women's studies and human sexuality classes in college helped me start to understand what happened to me and to stop blaming myself and quit making excuses for that bastard. Something that had a huge impact on me realizing that I am not alone was watching the documentary film "Searching for Angela Shelton." There is also a book that came out after the film called "Finding Angela Shelton". Both are excellent. Basically, Angela Shelton set out to make a documentary surveying American women and decided to look up all the women with her same name that would talk to her. Throughout the process of these interviews all over the country, she discovered that, like herself, nearly half of them had been beaten, raped or abused. This is an epidemic in our country. I just want to encourage everyone who has been brave enough to share here, and all those who are just here reading the article and comments - You deserve to be heard, don't give up. You deserve to have a full and joyful life.
Also, if you can't bear to go to a counselor yet, I found this book really helpful with starting to process what happened (written by a counselor and rape survivor) - The Truth About Rape by Teresa Lauer.
And PS to Laurel85 - your attack on MM is disgusting. I truly hope some righteous hacker enacts some internet justice on your ass.
I give you credit for being a strong person on blogging on this subject. My question is... Are you a social work and do you specialize in mental health? When you say you are certain in topics you mentioned... Make sure you are certain. There are stages to post rape. Study them. Not everyone reacted as you did. I certainly didn't. You talk of how serious this is yet you basically insulted the rest of us who didn't deal so well and had different outcomes.
Dear just a note
I'm very sorry for your experience and wish you healing. I am certain of only three things when it comes to rape: 1. My own experience, which no one can dispute.
2. No to rapes are the same, and even in the exact same circumstances, no two rape survivors will react the same. I fully respect each person's pain and healing procss as individual.
3. That rape counseling does help women heal and the chances of healing without it are greatly diminished.
lori763 3 years ago
I have known a few women who have been raped. The ones who fared the best are the ones, who like you, do not accept the "rape victim" label; recognizing instead that a violent crime was perpetrated on them. You are fortunate that you did not have to spend more than 5 seconds wondering what you did to bring this on - many women are mentally tortured with that one.
I love finding strong women - and you are one!